There's so many things happening in that skull, that brain of yours, so many memories and questions shooting at it all in seconds.
Attempting to process every little thing that's going on but sometimes the net gets overfilled. Overwhelmed by so many little thoughts that it breaks and spirals out of control. Little pieces of yourself getting lost in different areas when they're supposed to be captured by the net.
But what happens if the net stays broken and isn't repaired? What happens when those small thoughts starts to leak into the heart or the soul? Echoing over the hardest parts of your life into wounded parts of your body. It is already enough that you are doing your best to hold on, to heal, but when the past comes back to literally bite you it aches more than anything.
It feels like hell in your body, like you can't do anything right, small things start to bother you and your cranium screams. It pushes out any sort of emotion that will free you from the little jabs, the little repetition that keeps burying your brain.
Blurring faces of the people that hurt you, that nag you, use you and think it's funny, the little jokes on the side making fun of the insecurities that sting more than physical pain. The tears you cover when you can't stop the uncontrollable tears and the disappointment in your face when the person that means the most to you isn't there.
What is your brain suppose to do in this situation, keep blurring faces and forgetting like it won't come back? What is it suppose to do when the depression hits a little too hard one day and you can't wake yourself up? What is it supposed to do when it's finally your turn to be the adult they always prepared you to be but instead you choke and freeze when it matters the most.
When so many bad decisions led to lack of trust in people and yourself and now you don't know how to ask for help. You don't know how to ask for food because crying doesn't do it anymore. When you realize you aren't a baby anymore and you can talk and walk, that simply waiting for the answer won't happen like it used to.
Everyone is growing up and moving on but you still have the same sadness from high school, middle school and when you were a child. When your mom and dad couldn't stop fighting and your tiny brain was just as confused as you were. Because when you tried to stop it they just got louder and louder, and when you put your hand between them they just pushed you out the way.
And, ever since then little you hasn't been the same, hasn't been able to forget the moment they screamed at each other like you couldn't hear. You haven't been able to eat the same, think the same or even make decisions for yourself. Cutting off any part of your body that people ask for just for the same scene not to happen again, not to replay again.
Shaking because it's like a little record that's been broken, spinning on replay and the real reason you ended up sad, and make the wrong choices. The real reason why your net broke in the first place and why you haven't been able to fix it and the main fact why the mirror in your bathroom looks different.
You haven't been the same, and you haven't got to heal because life kept going when you asked it to stop. Life kept hitting your broken net and even made bites on it just for fun because it can and will. And as long as you are breathing it will show you why it was a mistake to keep going, why it was a mistake to get help for that thing that happened years ago. It will show you why your ancestors suffered and why you will suffer twice fold because they didn't die and instead survived.
Truly it will be the hardest challenge you have ever had to face and something you can't avoid even if you wanted to. But everyday you choose to lift yourself up even though your brain is all over the place, is another day you are alive, stronger even when they call you weak. Another day that your ancestors applaud you from the afterlife because you made it, regardless of their fears and worries and the hatred that this world burdened in you. You continued to stand up, to fight the insanity that is so easy to let overtake you, the angry that you could so easily used to kill.
But you don't and that is why you are strong, even with all the brokenness you have, gold has seeped through those cracks. Gold shines through your glass fingers and reminds you that you are special regardless of what happens. That you are beautiful even if someone tells you that you're not, even when it feels like you lost everything that gold reminds you that beauty is found in resilience. In the bravery that it takes to be better than the pain that they gave you, that they associated you with and to hug that part of you that was crushed oh so many years ago.
So many things are crammed in that constantly evolving brain of yours and still it is able to function: to breathe, think, blink and do simple things that we don't realize is amazing. Simple functions that shouldn't be possible but yet they are. Like a bee flying regardless of the odds telling them that they can't or the fact that you still push yourself even when it feels like death, when being alive is more painful than simply lying down and waiting for everything to stop. You keep going, we all keep going in hopes that something will change. In hopes that maybe we could possibly make a change in something even if it's small.
Just something to make our short existence worth it, to make all the puzzle pieces make some sort of bigger picture.
Because if we were put on this world to co-exist, then it must mean something right? All the fighting and crying must add up to some greater version of yourself, right?
Because torture can't be forever and if it's not then what are we really here for and why do our brains constantly keep becoming something different?