"I love you."
The words replay in my head, again and again.
He loves me? Loved me? Does he still love me, after he told me and I didn't fucking say anything? Now he's gone.
Do I love him?
I haven't interacted with anyone in-depth in a few years. You can't really fall in love with the first person you know, right? That's not real love. Maybe the feelings I have for him are strictly platonic, but god, I don't know anymore.
Do I want to kiss him?
That one's harder. Do I want to kiss him, softly, sweetly, curl up in bed with him, sharing warmth in the cold hours of the morning?
No. No, no, of course not. That's what I had with Oliver, before. He's the only one I could ever love like that. He's the first, and the first is what counts.
My mother never loved after her first boyfriend. She never fell again, but she tried. It always ended in a baby and an absent spot at the dinner table and a couple weeks of her undivided frustrations.
Things would've been better if her first had been there. The first is what counts.
But there's been so many people with three, or four, or eleven, or thirty loves, or people who never settle, or people who never love like that at all.
Who keeps track? Does it matter if he's not my first? Does it matter if I don't remember what it feels like to really love someone else, for real?
Do I want to be with him, just him, forever? Do I love Arthur?
None of my limbs will move. I've never felt this before. My head overflowing, but my gut, my heart, my everything else, so empty. It's strange and unpleasant. It was better to be in harmony, even if it was a bad harmony. The rain outside is a cacophony, jumbling the puzzle-pieces in my head, breaking up the picture and tossing pieces into the abyss.
It's so hard. To do anything, at all, ever. To get out of bed, to think, to talk, to eat, to move. To breathe.
But Arthur, when he was here, it was so easy. Hearing him downstairs, in the morning, there was something about him that made me want to try, and when I found the strength, he was always so happy to see me up and about, it felt worth the effort.
I had forgotten how lonely it was before he'd been here. What was there to live for, anymore? There's nobody else I'd want to get out of bed for.
There's nobody else I think I'd ever want. Not like this.
Oh, god, I might love him.
Oh, no.
I might love him and he's gone.
Oh, what have I done?
I heard his car start up and pull away about an hour ago. He's gone, forever. He's not coming back and I've gone and driven him away.
I've lost him, and I only just decided I didn't want to do that.
I roll over and grab my phone, telling it to call Paul, and putting it on speakerphone.
It takes a couple rings, but eventually, he answers.
"Aedin? What's wrong? It's late."
"I'm sorry," I say, gritting my teeth. "I didn't realize, I just... I didn't know who else to call."
"What's wrong? What happened?"
"I just... It was Arthur, and then he left, and now I'm by myself, and I don't want to be by myself, but it's all my fault."
"What happened with Arthur, is he okay?"
"He said he loved me and I didn't know what to do and then he left."
"Oh. Oh, goodness. Okay."
"I didn't mean to wake you up over this, I'm really sorry, Paul."
"It's okay, Aedin. I'm glad you called. Do you need someone to come over and be with you? Are you scared of doing something to hurt yourself?"
"I really want to hurl myself out of the window but I just don't have any strength to move."
"I'll be over in a few minutes. The door is unlocked?"
"Yeah. The front door is unlocked."
"We're gonna figure this out, Aedin."
We. "Okay."
"Hang tight, I'll be there soon. Do you want me to stay on the phone until I get there?"
"You don't have to. I already ask so much of you and it's so unfair."
"Aedin, I'd like to think that over the years, our relationship has become less client-therapist and more like friends. It's okay for you to call me when you need someone to be there. I care about you and I'll be there."
"Are you just saying this because you think I'm gonna throw myself out the window?"
"No," he says, chuckling slightly. "No, I'm really not."
"I don't know."
"I hope I can convince you."
"You can hang up, now, if you want to."
"It's up to you, Aedin. I'm getting in the car."
"I..." I don't know. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I tell him that.
"That's okay. What're you thinking about?"
"How bad I fucked up this time. How I don't really remember what love is supposed to feel like. How I really want him to come back and be here. He made me feel better. He gave me a reason to try."
"A reason to try?"
"To get out of bed. It wasn't, like, bam, now I'm cured, there were still times when it was hard. Times when I couldn't do it, no matter how hard I tried. Times where I was just too tired of trying. But other times, it felt impossible. The weight on my chest felt too heavy, and everything felt like too much. But then I'd hear him, downstairs or in the other room, and I'd want to go and talk to him. And he always said he was happy to see me up and around. Even if I couldn't bring myself to do anything but get up and go down the stairs and eat breakfast with him." I sigh, pressing my hands against my forehead. "God, I think I love him but I don't know anymore. I don't remember."
"It sounds like you had a good relationship. What's stopping you from pursuing him romantically?"
"I don't know, it feels like... I don't know, like I'm doing something wrong. Really, really wrong. I feel like I'm hurting someone, if I start thinking about the possibilities. I shouldn't... I should be with Olly."
"Olly is gone, Aedin. He has been, for quite some time, now. You don't have to be by yourself or feel guilty for wanting to try again. If it'd been you, would you have asked Oliver to avoid dating anyone else?"
"No, never. If it couldn't be me... He was so kind. It would've been selfish to ask him never to love again. The world deserved to have someone like him out there, giving sunshine to the people who needed it. I would've wanted him to love someone else, like he loved me."
"That's what he would've said, isn't it?"
"I guess."
"Do you want to be with Arthur?"
"I miss him. I don't want to feel like I need him, but he really did make some days worth living. If he hadn't been here, I know there were probably a couple days in the last few weeks where... I might've given up and... done myself in. But I've hardly thought about it."
"Do you want him back in your life as a friend? Or as your boyfriend?"
"Honestly, Paul? I'd be okay either way."
"So do you want to try? I can probably get you into contact with him sometime tomorrow."
"Okay."
"I'm here."
"Thanks for coming."
"Anytime. Is it okay if I take the guest room, or is it too soon?"
"Go ahead."
"Alright. See you in a second."
"See you."