"Old man! Have you seen the threat those arrogant bastards in Kumo sent us!?" Kurotsuchi barged into Onoki's office, incensed and yelling in outrage while waving around a copy of the letter he had just read. Looking at her, Onoki let out a long, aggrieved sigh.
Why did his granddaughter have to be so stubbornly mulish? He heard that the shitflinger from Konoha has finally retired, and Onoki dearly wished he could do so, too. Alas, Kurotsuchi was the best candidate he had for a replacement, and she was nowhere near ready.
His retirement plans seemed like a distant dream.
"Yes. I have seen it. What about it?" He casually asked, intending to test her reaction. There was a reason why he allowed her to view copies of his correspondence, after all. It usually served as a learning experience for her. He hoped she would notice, but...
"What do you mean, 'What about it?', old man!? We should tell them exactly where they can stick their threats! Iwa won't bend to the wishes of some," Kurotsuchi was practically seething in fury, "Some muscle-brained moron dipshit with his massive ego compensating for his abysmally small penis size that can't satisfy any woman in his vicinity, giving him mental issues that he needs to compensate for with his aggressiveness! Let's just tell the Raikage that he can go and fuck his brother in the ass! That might help him with his issues!" She finished, breathing hard as her anger finally diminished.
Giving her a blank look, Onoki suddenly leaned forward with a groan and rubbed his temples in frustration. See? This was why he could not give the hat to her. He could swear that she was a great successor in every other way, but diplomacy was not it. Iwa would be in a war within a month for some nonsensical reason!
He was pretty sure his granddaughter already had a similarly worded, maybe even more scathing, reply written, and her presence here was just to get an okay from him to send it. And with the current political climate in the world, he might as well just declare war against Kumo because that would insult them far less.
... After all, Kurotsuchi was not really wrong about A's ego issues. And if she wasn't wrong about that, what else might she be correct about?
Ahem. Onoki mentally shook himself from that train of thought and cleared his throat to gain Kurotsuchi's attention.
"You are not sending that letter." He told her in a no-nonsense tone that clued even his dense granddaughter that this was an order.
Kurotsuchi's expression scrunched in distaste as she nearly whined, "But old man...!"
"No." Onoki strongly replied, giving her his trademark 'don't piss off your granddaddy' look.
It worked like a charm, too, and Kurotsuchi deflated, folding like a wet tissue despite the unhappy scowl that stretched now on her face.
"...Fine, dammit." She grouched before she crossed her arms over her chest and mumbled, "Great. Thirty minutes of inventing new insults for the Raikage twit wasted."
Onoki pretended he didn't hear her even as he inwardly chuckled.
"Oh, don't be so glum." He gently admonished her, "The Raikage might froth at the mouth like the rabid dog he is, but we came out of this situation on top. This threatening letter?" Onoki lifted the letter in question with his hand. "It's the extent of what Kumo can do about getting a kick in the butt."
"Really?" Calming down, Kurotsuchi curiously asked and sat down in the chair for guests in front of Onoki's desk.
Onoki nodded a bit smugly. "Kumo lost two Elite Jonin and failed in the assassination of the Suna princess and her husband. That much is known. It was a very small hit to their forces, but losing Elite Jonin so meaninglessly is never nice. The bigger issue is the hit to their reputation. This made them look like the bad guys, but also incompetent."
Not to mention, Onoki's sources in Kumo shared with him that Akatsuki delivered a retaliation on their own for the Hachibi Jinchuuriki killing one of their own, and A came out of it looking like an absolute clown.
The Cloud-reaching Peak, the pride of Kumo and the location of A's home, was already in secret being mockingly called the Shit-looking Peak. They still didn't manage to dispel the illusion layered onto it, even after two weeks of trying. Onoki grinned in immense schadenfreude. That must burn A's ego somewhat fiercely.
Kurotsuchi leaned forward in excited interest, making Onoki even more eager to explain the situation. "And we? All we lost was a down payment for an assassination mission to Akatsuki." He uncaringly shrugged.
Because there was no way in hell he would send the rest of the payment for a failure. All Onoki cared about was that Iwa would not be linked to the assassination attempt, and thus, its reputation would stay clean. Of course, Suna and Konoha knew who sent the Akatsuki their way. But their opinion did not matter. It was the general public, the nobles, the merchants, and the clients whose views mattered.
And without any proper proof of their involvement...
"Is that so?" Kurotsuchi grinned, and Onoki mirrored it while nodding. "And are you sure I can not send at least a little bit of a scathing reply? I can tone it down!"
Onoki's grin slipped as he deadpanned at her. "No."
"Dammit." Kurotsuchi cursed under her nose. "Ah, well, whatever! I guess you would know best. I am off." She abruptly stood up and walked out of the office under the gaze of her flabbergasted grandfather.
"But... But I am not done with you." Onoki shouted and stretched his hand toward the door as it closed behind Kurotsuchi. "Hey! At least help me with the paperwork since you are already here!"
His only reply was hearing her steps quicken as she fled.
Rolling his eyes, Onoki snorted. He had trained her well. She definitely knew when to choose to retreat. Putting his hand back on the table, Onoki sighed.
Well, that was one problem solved.
Hah~, Kumo. Who cared about Kumo? He had bigger issues to contemplate. Suna, for example. Those broke-ass sand eaters were going to be an issue in case another war sprang up.
It was ironic. Their villages were on very good terms during the first and the second war. But during the third war, Suna decided to ally itself with Konoha, and now, if it came to war, Iwa had to attack Suna. If only out of sheer fucking spite.
Pakura of the Scorch Release slaughtered many good women and men from Iwa during the third war. Having a hand in arranging her demise was something that still filled Onoki with grim satisfaction to this day.
Everybody had a weakness. And her weakness was that she was too loyal and trusting of her village. It was Onoki who had given the brain-dead idiots of Kirigakure the idea to ask for Pakura's life in exchange for a peace agreement. And it was also Onoki who had his agents make the Wind Daimyo push Rasa into agreeing.
The coastal areas of the Land of Wind were being raided left and right by Kirigakure ships, and the Wind Daimyo just wanted the conflict to finally stop. He didn't really care about the price.
Not that it was hard to get Rasa to agree. Rasa had seen Pakura as his political enemy. He didn't exactly need a lot of prodding before he told her a 'good luck!', gave her a thumbs-up, and knowingly sent her to her death.
Honestly, Rasa was a shit Kage. Everybody knew that. Even the man himself. Onoki could have destroyed Suna long ago. The tree-hugging idiots thought they were oh so subtle, but that wasn't the case. He noticed their meddling in the economy of the Land of Wind. And it would be rude not to take that as an invitation to join in doing some harm of his own, no?
Poor Rasa never even suspected that their woes might not be just because of his antagonistic relationship with the Wind Daimyo. Their feud helped cover most of the sabotage. In his arrogance, Rasa didn't even bother to properly investigate. At least, now in a direction that mattered.
If it were Pakura in his seat... Onoki shuddered. Yeah, better not to think about that. That witch was one of the very few kunoichi who gave him the chills. He met her on the battlefield only once, and he was almost mummified five times within two minutes, suffering slight burns over a lot of his exposed skin surface just from the proximity to her scorch release.
People believed his Dust Release was the deadliest technique in the world. He would call bullshit. How do you fight somebody whose ranged fucking attack flashburns you even if you evade it with a ten-meter margin? Somebody who can spam those attacks like nobody's business?
Hide in the forest? She scorched the entire forest with Iwa ninjas still inside.
Jump into the river? She evaporated the damned river alongside the Iwa ninjas inside.
Get underground? Good. You bought yourself until your breath ran out, and you needed to resurface. Upon which time, you would eat a fireball because, of course, the woman was a damn good sensor, too.
Onoki wondered during many sleepless nights where the hell Suna and Konoha were getting these monsters? Why couldn't Iwa get somebody who could lay waste to armies as simply as breathing?
Onoki managed to fight her thanks to his flying skills. It gave him enough maneuverability and the ability to disengage at his leisure to make their match-up more or less even.
But anybody else? Pakura was a meat grinder for Iwa ninjas on the southern front during the third war. Being sent against her was a death sentence. She pretty much single-handedly held most of that front.
If the Yellow Butcher hadn't slaughtered over a thousand Iwa ninjas at once and ended their straight run to victory in that war, it would be her whom Iwa hated with passion. Many of his ninjas still did. Enough that allying with Suna was out of the question.
The day her death was confirmed, the entire village celebrated.
He wanted to end Suna so much. To give them that final economic blow that would shatter their village. They deserved it, too. It would have been a righteous justice.
Unfortunately, he couldn't. Kurotsuchi would have done it. She would have gone for the jugular. And in doing so, she would have lost. If Suna was shattered, Konoha would step in with 'aid', and Suna would low-key end up as a subordinate village to Konoha, bolstering their forces immensely.
No. It was better to leave Suna suffering a slow death as their economy spiraled into bankruptcy rather than finish them off in one stroke.
Not that Konoha wasn't trying to make Suna obedient with one of their S-rank ninja parked smack-dab in the middle of Suna, probably enjoying their Princess' womb at his leisure, while Suna did not possess even one S-rank ninja of their own currently.
It was a shame the assassination did not succeed. It would deny Konoha a valuable ally and resources. But at least, Kumo was humbled, and A's hate-rage-boner for Konoha hardened.
The letter? Hah. Inconsequential. Kumo needed them, and they knew it. Just like Iwa needed Kumo. They couldn't really wage a war against Konoha if they had a conflict with Kumo, now, could they?
Onoki was long past caring about benefits. Attacking Suna was a thankless job. There was literally nothing of consequence to be won in their sand-filled, desolate lands other than the blood of their ninja. Yet, it was that blood that his forces and honor demanded, and so, they would attack Suna in the next war.
Konoha was different, yet also the same. Their lands were rich and fertile. There was a whole lot to be gained. But they were too far away for Iwa. Purely from a cost-effective view, attacking Konoha was not efficient at all. But it didn't matter. What his village and he wanted was revenge.
He was perfectly willing to stomach Kumo and A's ego if it meant he could make Konoha understand even a little bit of pain the Yellow Butcher caused his village and its people. One way or the other.
His mood thoroughly soured after thinking about these unhappy times, Onoki returned toward the letter he was writing. One that would be headed to the Fifth Mizukage in Kirigakure.
And who knows? Maybe they could find a common ground for an alliance of convenience against a common enemy?
Stranger things have happened in his life.