The cafeteria is crowded, natch, clamorous with chattering students, every topic, every group. Somebody's shouting for someone skipping the line. That is my usual expectation, yet today everything is so unfocused, distorted and blurred, faded by the wind. All I can see are the two trays of food on the table that Nixon picked for our lunch.
I slide up my perspective to Nixon as I shared with him what I've been musing at. "I supposed to tell him, fill him in, that you already texted me. Anyway he is the one introducing us. But, it seems that I can't do that today. I have no idea what occurred on him if he's just irritable or he really detests me."
Nixon takes my hand and caresses it smoothly with his thumb." Cloe, I know that your affected since you and Ziggy are so close. But there is something else I want to know. Besides the friendship you have, is there something more? Do you feel something more than just amity?"
Dumfounded by Nixon's query, I'm totally out of words. At that same moment, I caught sight of Ziggy and Bettina walking hand in hand towards the cafeteria, making me more dismay that I can't bear my excruciating emotion; it feels like my knees turn to jellies. So, without a sound, I pull my hands out of Nixon's and rush to the lavatory.
One big banging sound echoes through the whole washroom. I push it that hard to close it, the moment I step inside that suffocating room as suffocating as this emotion. Hence, I open my mouth to gasp for air, take the deepest breath I can make, and let the tears flow freely from my eyes.
Taking out some silent mourning in such a way, not a single ear can perceive me crying from my place of escape. I just need to let my emotions out, and in a few minutes, I'm gonna be fine 'coz I need to be.
*****
After I fill my tummy with the sumptuous dinner my mom prepared that night at home. I go straight to my room and exchange some texts with Dina.
(Dina) I'm done printing the photos and putting them in an album too. I'm very impressed with your shots; the images of Ziggy and Bettina look so much in love with each other. Wow, as if you're a pro.
(Cloe) I'm sorry if I have to pass on the task of printing the photo.
(Dina) NP, dear, as your VP, I'm always here to assist. Besides, I'm thrilled you did an excellent job making our Valentine's Dating Game initiative a big success. As in, they indeed turned out to be a real couple.
(Cloe) Couple? You mean Ziggy and Bettina, they're together?
(Dina) Yes, and it's totally spread out that they're official.
(Cloe typing) Official? Maybe that's why
I fail to finish and send my last text when I hear Mom knocking at the door. "Cloe, darling, can you come out for a while? Somebody's looking for you."
Like a whirlwind and full of excitement, I opened the door. "Is it Zig?"
"Nope, and if I'm not mistaken, his name is Nixon?" She answered.
All my excitement seems gone with the Wind, even though I'm not that excited that it was Nixon and not Zig. Still, there's some flattery brought about by having been noticed and visited by somebody as popular as Nixon, besides being handsome, a varsity player, Mr. University titleholder, dean's list, and more talents that are too many to mention. He seems too perfect to notice his flaws.
I drop by the mirror to check my reflection to see if traces of crying are still visible in my appearance. Applies few taps of foundation on my face to cover it up, thinking it's no longer that obvious. Eventually, I went down.
I found Nixon sitting silently on the sofa. Eyes glued to the TV, he held a little bouquet and a gift box in his hand. I didn't get his attention until I was just about in front of him.
He stood up to greet me after he caught sight of me and handed me his presents. "How are you? I'm so worried about you. Are you fine?"
After I offered him a seat and carefully put down his presents on the center table, I sat down. I cracked a slim smile before I said, "I'm all right, just not feeling well a little while ago. By the way, I would like to say sorry; I failed to notify you and just left off." Heads bent down, eyes focused on the floor, trying so much to avoid his gaze.
"Don't think about it. That's not a problem. Too bad, I haven't realized that you're not feeling well. I should not let you go by yourself." Looking intently at me, as if scanning for something on my face or my expression. "Are you certain you're okay?" In his most delicate way, he holds my chin and raises it to see my face clearly. "Have you been crying?"
I look away in a jiffy, eyes laid directly on the television. "No, I'm not."
"You can't deny it, Cloe; I know you're hurt, and I know that you got that special feeling for Ziggy, more than just a friend. I tend to see, too, that you're trying to neglect the idea of falling for him."
I stay unstirred, not a word, not a reaction. In an effort to overpower my emotions, I failed. Crystal-clear liquid drops inevitably fall from my eyes. I've never been more confused about my feelings after hearing the harsh truth of Nixon's words. Left me with some reflection.
Did I surely love Ziggy more than I expected? Could it be why I'm terribly hurt like this, or maybe it's just a fit of unreasonable, immature jealousy because I missed my best friend? Yet, the more I should not love him, now that he's already my cousin's lover.
I wipe away my tears at the same time I recline my back on the sofa. "Perhaps I'm just habituated to having him around. Perhaps I just missed him."
Nixon holds me by my upper arm, both in his big, strong palms, for me to face towards him. "Cloe, I want to fill the part that's missing in your life. If you lose your best friend, then I can be your best friend. In fact, I can be more, whatever you want. I love you, Chloe, and I don't want to see you cry ever again." He takes one of my hands and kissed the hind of my palm. "So can I be part of your life?" He continued.
"What exactly part of my life do you want to be?" I smiled timidly, biting my lip as I asked him.
"Anything you want me to be, if it's not too much to ask. Can I be your boyfriend?" Nixon implies it with smiles and his pleading eyes.
I mutter, not a single word, just a hug of a thousand meanings. For even me is not deliberately sure how I want him to understand it. Me neither; I do not know if It means. Yes, I accept you as my boyfriend, or no, because I'm in love with someone else. But it seems his way of perception says that that hug foretells a grant of his wish. He looks at me with glimmers in his eyes. Thereupon, he moves close and kissed me on the lips. Brought by being surprised, I pushed him away. Makes him wonder. "Sorry, you don't like it?"
"No, it's not that. As much as I like it, I am not comfortable. Since this is the first time I'm doing this." My excuse.
He smiled again, believing what I'd said. "I love you, Cloe." He grasped me again in his strong arms and sealed a kiss on my cheek.