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Losing myself in fantasies is like saving grace. Fleeting moments that allow me to almost vanish from the real world, entering a different life, even if it is not my own. The problems in those worlds... they seem so trivial to me, even if they do not to the ones who have to live with them. It's strange, considering I always thought that there must be so many people who have it way worse than I do. I suppose everyone has their own horrors and their own understanding of 'worst'.
Coming back from those worlds can be somewhat a slap on the face... always an unwelcome one. Sometimes, it takes quite some time to readjust my eyes and brain to what I'm coming back to. As if the world in the fantasy was the real one and the world I come back to is something new, alien, that I need to relearn before being able to move again...
As for memories... many times I wondered what happens to them. One moment, they're there, the next, they vanish without a trace, as if erased by some unknown force. How do I know? Because I seem to be the only one who does not remember... It wasn't like that before... maybe spending so much time trying to come up with methods of dealing with the curse forces the other memories out due to lack of space? Or does the curse's suffocating effect cause braincells to die? Who knows...
If the curse takes away things so important though, why allow it to fester? If it's all just in my mind, then I surely should be able to stop it... Well, I'm not. Even when I reflexively do things the way I used to do them, something, some demon inside my head instantly tells me to react like a normal person would never have. Even in my dreams, my reactions are all focused around a single train of thought: 'don't do anything that would trigger that reaction'. It even makes me aware enough that inside the dream itself, I am sometimes able to tell myself that this is just a dream, and once I wake up, there will be no consequences. I suppose that's a good thing in this case. But can it be called 'good' when its twisting the mind into something beyond any recognition? That while awake, I need to remind myself that it was in fact just in the dream and I need not take any action to fix it because it never really took place?
You would think that whoever is responsible for this should feel guilty, should feel some sort of remorse, at least recognize the fact that their actions ruined someone's life. Funny... It might seem like the most logical thing to me and you, but to them? Never. They will deny it, act like the problem doesn't even really exist, as if you made it up for attention, or try to push the blame onto someone else. Such is the human nature. They're so afraid of their own failure that the thought of being the cause doesn't even cross their mind. Or they're just not allowing it in. Instead, they will act like you are the problem, because you're not behaving like all other 'normal' people do.
Of course, there are those little specks of human affection that keep me going... Keep me believing that one day, maybe, things will get better. Does it make sense to believe in that though? Beats me. It sure is making things easier to bear, but whether or not it will all eventually steer into the right direction remains written in the stars, I suppose. For now, it doesn't feel like it. After so long, the mind clings to the curse even if it doesn't want to, because it's afraid of a life without it...
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