Celestine remained silent. I was thankful for that. The buzzing in my head was intolerable enough that I might have gone mad without it, a static that drowned out every thought except the one I didn't want to have. In a way, her silence was a soothing balm. At least I wasn't alone in coming to this realization. Maybe it was something I'd known long ago, but subconsciously refused to admit, tucked away somewhere I never let myself look.
"What now?" I asked Celestine in a hoarse voice, after a long while, the words scraping on the way out. She approached and patted my hand with her delicate, jade-like fingers, then gestured for me to sit with her in that vast nothingness, the two of us small against all that gray.
"I take all the blame, Miss Bai Feng Jiu. I only wanted..."
"Xiao Jiu. You could call me that instead." I cut her off before she could finish.
A bright smile, dazzling as the morning sun, was aimed straight at me. Damn. Beauties and their killer smiles.
"Then, then you can call me Toni. It's a nickname I thought up for myself, only ever meant for friends. Well, if I ever had one. Finally, there's you." She said it giddily, hooking her small arm through mine. Yep, I could confirm it now. She was a smöl bundle of sunshine.
"As I was saying, Xiao Jiu, I apologize profusely. This is a result of my own selfishness. I shouldn't have dragged you into the mess that is my life. And now things have become irrevocable. I don't think you should even treat me as a friend. You should scold me. I've taken you away from a perfectly fine life, only to hand you a miserable one that's mine. You, at least you have people who care about you. People looking forward to spending time with you." Celestine said it softly, sorrow and regret dripping from her voice, her head dipping down in shame. I sighed.
"Actually, it's not entirely a perfectly fine life. I wouldn't have been eligible for a soul swap if it were. I wouldn't be here if I really had something to live for. My team? The old geezer? My job? My commitment to my country? I guess none of them were strong enough anchors. Maybe that's why the old geezer kept telling me to get a life. Because I wasn't really living. I was just going wherever the current took me. Maybe that's why I don't feel all that regretful or sad about this." I paused, then let out a chuckle, disturbingly mocking, even to my own ears.
"Haha. Damn. I'm f*cking detached from all of it, now that I think about it. Guess I would've realized this sooner or later. Talk about a wake-up call." A cynical smile touched my thin lips.
"How similar we are, Xiao Jiu. And the way you curse is utterly fascinating." Celestine said, sardonic, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.
Yep. We really were similar. Though our situations sat on opposite ends of the same coin, we were both pathetic. But that last comment of yours, dear Toni, was on an entirely different topic. How does your brain work? Why does it keep skewing sideways like that?
"Did you know," she started, lips in a cute pout, "I didn't really plan on going through with the spell, or the soul swap. I was skeptical it would even work, and scared of what might happen if it did."
I was stunned. Not because I doubted her, her bright, clear eyes were painfully honest, but because I was curious. Why go through with it at all, then?
"What made you do it, then?" I asked carefully.
She stared at me, the bitterness returning to her eyes.
"I was planning to live out my days until the Equinox Flower disease took me. I thought dying wouldn't be so bad, as long as I got to spend what time I had left with my family. So I decided to tell my parents and my brothers the truth, after my birthday. Except. No one came."
F*ck. A piercing pain went through my chest as she said it, matter-of-fact. I grew up in an orphanage, then later in the military. But I'd never once spent a birthday alone, even then. I could only imagine what that day had been like for her. Dying, her days numbered, and still alone on the day she was born.
"That's what made me throw caution to the wind. I was going to die anyway. What difference would trying the spell make? What was the worst that could happen?"
I was speechless.
Yeah. I would have done the same, in that kind of despair.
"Are you really alright with this, Toni? If you're going to live my life from now on, you'll be an orphan. You'll spend your days on a rigorous military base surrounded by men. You'll need to be tougher than them. Brave hardships harder than the average man ever will. You'll be responsible for their lives. You'll have to kill for your country without ever expecting to be thanked for it. It's a far cry from your life as a noble lady." I asked, after a moment of silence between us.
Celestine turned to me with a small smile.
"I have your memories, Xiao Jiu. They'll guide me through your world. I'm confident they won't fail me. I have confidence in you, my first ever friend." She answered. I smiled back.
Yep. There was nothing else to be done anyway. So we might as well make it count.
"Well, I'll find it hard to adapt, that's for sure. As you can see, I'm not exactly a good example of a lady. I fail at being feminine. I curse like a sailor. But I have your memories too. They'll help." I said, with a mirthful laugh. Celestine grinned back at me.
"Our time to talk is about to end. The Equinox Flower disease's power is nearly exhausted. Our connection will be cut off, for now. Practice your divination and soul magic. It'll lead to a way for us to reach each other again." Her form began going incorporeal by the second.
"Toni, when you go back, even with my memories, live as yourself. Your true self. Unpretentiously. Nothing else matters. That will do justice to my life too. Please take care of my people there." I said. She deserved a shot at a fulfilling life. Just as much as I did.
"I wish the same for you, Xiao Jiu. If you can't tolerate our family, or where you find yourself, run. Grandfather will be there to help you. Everything else is of no significance. That'll grant me freedom too. You can count on me, Xiao Jiu. Let us live happily, from now on." Celestine's voice faded along with her form.
I slowly opened my eyes and stared dumbly at the ceiling. From now on, I am Toni. And she is me.
"Yeah. Let's live on happily."