all along it was you

Per therapist's demands, I'm making this notebook or diary, whatever you want to call it. This October has been the hardest for me. Everyone's just making plans to be with their loved ones, having fun, doing what normal teenagers do. I just can't get through it. I'm just so tired. I don't think I can continue dealing with all these pretty girls and guys who just want to be with them. what about people who are in between? Not just for artificial reasons like normal. Not like I've been through. My family thinks just because I'm not as pretty as the rest of them like my aunt Vita with her perfect body and light blonde hair or like my cousin Cecilia with her confidence and fashion choices. Or even like my brother Jayden with his perfect looks and his outgoingness. They've got so much going for them. But what do I have? Some stupid therapist no one even knows about because I'm "too happy to go to therapy". I can't even tell my family I decided to go because then they'd ask why. Okay well if I was so happy I wouldn't need therapy would I? They assume because I smile they can treat me however and I won't feel a thing. I'm in therapy right now though. I see the fancy couch that doesn't even FEEL comfortable. Feels more like an investigation to me. I see my therapist Ms. Lefugh with her perfect ash brown curls and rhinestone manicured nails. Her outfit that won't make guys stop looking at her. I can't stand it. "So how's your day been?" She snaps me out of my train of thought. "Fine I guess." She doesn't talk for a bit. One minute goes by. Two minutes. Three. "Did anything happen today? no panic attacks? anxiety? thoughts?" She crosses her legs. It drives me crazy that I can't stand looking at her. This world has made so many perfect people but I'm not one of them. She even looks pretty doing stupid things. I bet she gets anything she wants and doesn't get screamed at for messing up simple tasks like she just committed a crime. I can't focus. Why am I even here? I feel so out of control. Seconds tick by. 5 seconds. Ten. A minute. I want to go home. My session finally comes to an end at 5:15 pm after a lot of awkward silences and random sentences. I don't drive. My brother picks me up right after but of course he has a friend's party to go to. I just want to go to bed. I'm tired. Just as I began to close my eyes, I hear a screech. "Watch where you're going!" My brother turns to me. "Did you just see that? I swear they give licenses to anyone these days." Hateful much? I bet he was just looking at his phone again. Sometimes I wish I could drive myself that way I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'm getting nervous. That car that almost hit us has been following us and Jayden's just on the phone like he can't talk to these people when we get to his friend's house. I won't lie, I do kind of like Alek. Just not enough to get too close to. He seems to travel around my family a lot. More specifically my house when Cecilia's visiting me. Sometimes I just want to spend time with my cousin too, you know? It's weird seeing him make excuses to hold her hand and pretend he's checking something. She's not dumb just tell her you like her already! Anyways, this is getting long. I'm done for the day.