We have been living together for almost five months now, things have been pretty good. We had so much fun together, what I loved most was the mornings we made love outside watching the sunrise and the evenings cuddled up in his arms watching the sun set. It was going amazing. Simon made me laugh like no one ever could, he made me feel safe and alive. I couldn't ask for more, I was blissfully happy.
But that all ended about a week ago. Simon lied to me and he had been acting so suspicious lately too. A week ago I got off early and decided to call Simon to check if he wanted to grab lunch. He answered his phone and told me he was at the centre and couldn't speak.
I quickly realised that was a lie when I went past Bill's and saw him having lunch with a blonde woman. I haven't said anything since I saw him, every time I tried to bring it up I just had this sick feeling in my stomach. I was so terrified of the answer, of the reason why he lied to me it made me feel like shit. Everyday for the past seven days I have fell so betrayed and lost. Was he cheating on me? Maybe it was innocent but why would he lie. I have manage to also keep my distance, so did he weirdly. He usually was all over me unable to keep his hands off of me. But lately It feels like he was constantly avoiding spending any time together. He says he is busy with the centre, working late almost every night. Maybe that was a lie too, because he was seeing her on the side. My brain was foggy.
I'm sitting at the kitchen counter working, everyone is working from home due to covid this week. Simon is upstairs fixing the guest bathroom tap. There's a knock on the door, as I get closer to the door Simon shouts from upstairs.
"It's for me, I'll be down in a second"
I open the door to find the same woman who was with him at the door. What the hell? But she was dressed in an army uniform. My brain connecting the dots realising they probably work together. But why lie and say he was at the centre? Still doesn't explain why he has been so distant lately?
"Hi, I'm here to see Simon" she says smiling at me
"Hi, he's coming down now" I give her a polite smile
"You must be Lina, Simon's told me a lot about you"
"Oh really?"
"Reed thanks for coming" Simon interrupts
I move to the side "come this way" he leads her to his study. She gives me a tight smile and I close the door and watch them go in. Wait what? What's this about? I retreat back to the kitchen and carry on working, I could keep my eyes off of the door. I was desperate to know what was going on, after 30 mins they come out.
"I'll let him know. Thanks for seeing me" she shakes his hand
"Nice to meet you Lina" she says smiling at me before leaving
"Who's that?" I ask
"Just a friend from work. I'm going to grab a shower" he says bluntly and makes his way upstairs. My heart sunk, that's all I get. I pace in the kitchen I've decided to confront him. I need to know why he is pushing me away, hiding things from me. I couldn't wait any longer and sneak into his study. There are some paperwork about the centre laid out on the table. What caught my attention was the letter from the army addressed to him.
It's a mission, they're asking him to lead a mission. It says they need to retrieve something very important and that the mission is dangerous with a 50% success rate. My head was heavy, my palms sweaty and my heart was racing. That's the secret.
I make my way upstairs with the paper in hand. Simon is standing by the foot of our bed with a towel around his waist, his chest slightly damp.
"Who was she Simon?"
"I told you"
"No you have been lying to me? Please tell me the truth! What the fuck is this Simon?!" He looks at the letter then at me. His expression cold and serious
"Why are you going through my things?" he says angrilly
"Because you have been distant and lying to me. I saw you that day, when I got off early and called you. I saw you with her. And you lied to me" Tears in my eyes. He sits on the edge of the bed and exhales sharply. I frown at him, my eyes watery.
"Why?" my voice was small and broken
"Simon say something!" I shout
"It's one last job. They need me"
"What do you mean?"
"Reed wanted me to sit down with her to talk about this mission. They need me. I couldn't tell you because I know that you wouldn't understand. I'm still in two minds about it but They need me"
"And me? Your mom? Char? Do we not need you?"
"Don't do that, I have a duty" he shouts at me. His eyes dark, glaring at me. He's standing towering over me. A look of fear washes over my face and I take a step back. I know Simon would never hurt me, but the look on his face and how he stood before me scared me. Seeing my face his expression softens and he sighs.
"Why can't you understand" he rubs his face
"Because I don't want to lose you, I read the letter it says it's a dangerous mission with 50 % success rate" I shout
"I don't understand because I Love you Simon, I love you so much it hurts just to think about you leaving" tears stream down my face. His eyes wide, he stretches out his hand to touch me.
" No, don't touch me .You are selfish"
"How can you say that?"
"How? because you're literally choosing death over me" my heart was heavy, I felt like I was gasping for air.
"You knew what my job was. They need me because I'm the only one who can get the job done"
"I thought you were done, you said you were done"
"I'm done with this conversation" I gulp. I watch him disappear in the walk in wardrobe I couldn't even move. It's like I was glued to the ground. He comes back out dressed, he didn't even look at me. He grabs his jacket before walking to the door, he turns around and looks at me.
"Simon" I whisper as he closes the door. I was broken, was I wrong for not wanting him to leave. Was I the selfish one for wanting to keep being happy with him. I couldn't help the tears rolling down my cheeks to my neck. I sat on the bed with the letter in hand, I look at it before throwing it on his side of the bed.
--------------------------------------------
I look at my watch anxiously. It's 9:50pm and Simon still isn't home. I call and text him but no answer. I grab my keys and make my way to the centre. Roy told me that he was never there, I even tried Charlotte. After going there I kinda wished I didn't because I had to lie to her. I told her that me and Simon had a silly argument but I didn't tell her what it was. I drove around for another hour before giving up and went back home. I called his phone so many times and texted until I fell asleep on the couch.
I'm woken up by the sound of the door handle cranking.I stumble off the couch towards the door to my surprise a drunk Simon walks in.
"What the hell? Simon where were you? I've been out looking for you"
"Well you shouldn't have I went for a drink" he replies bluntly
"Yeah I can smell that" I put his arm around me and take him upstairs. He stops and pushes me against the wall trapping me one hand around my jaw and the other locking me in place
"Simon, stop"
"Don't you want me sweet girl, you want me to stay right?" his voice rough, his mouth moves to my neck
"Simon, Simon look at me, please look at me" he brings his face to mine
"Stop please, let me help you" his expression softens at my words and he lets go. I wrap on arm around his waist and lead him to the bed.
I push him down and he wraps his arms around my waist with his head on my tummy. I place my hand on his head stroking his hair gently
"Why didn't you tell me Simon?" he looks up
"Because I am torn. I know you wouldn't want me to go and part of me would stay for you. but I have a duty. I have to go" I kneel in front of him in-between his lap.
"But there's only a 50% chance...." I choke up
"There's a chance you won't make it back" tears pour down my cheek. He wipes my tears with his thumb.
"Would it mean anything if I promised you I would come back" his voice soft
"You don't know that" I bow my head and close my eyes
"I do, I'm good at what I do. I need you to trust me" his eyes dark, I lean my face into his hand. His hand was warm and smells of whiskey
"Simon...I"
"Don't say anything" he rests his head against mine, he was falling asleep. I pushed him back onto the bed gently. I took his shoes off and pulled his pants down. It was tricky but I manage to get his jacket and t-shirt off. The whole situation made me feel nauseous, I made my way to the guest bedroom and slept there. I just wanted to be by myself tonight