"You all did a commendable job. It's time to call it a day. Follow the soldiers, and they will guide you to your tents. You can choose to have your own tent or share it with someone. Rest your minds tonight; we will resume tomorrow."
As the weight of Captain William's words sank in, a collective sigh of relief swept through the group. However, the latter part of his speech filled the air with a sense of dread. Some individuals began to voice their objections, but a single stern glare from the captain silenced their protests. They understood that they had no say in the matter. Reluctantly, they followed the soldiers to their assigned camps, each person separated from their classmates.
Kelly bid farewell to Sumire, who opted to share a tent with another female classmate. He, on the other hand, chose solitude for the night, seeking a moment of peace to collect his thoughts.
As he reached inside his tent, which has all the basic amenities for a comfortable stay, kelly slowly reached for his bed and finally with all his strength leaving his body dropped onto it with a thud.
Laying there and looking at his still bloodied hands, he felt a sudden urge to vomit, thankfully or not he hadn't eaten anything all day or else he would be spending the night drenched in his own vomit. He curled up his fist and turned to look at the ceiling of his tend still smelling the faint scent of blood and gore coming from him.
"It was so h-hard! The feeling of taking someone's life and looking into their eyes as all life goes away is so horrifying…yet it felt strange I…why didn't I felt anything at all…why just what is wrong with me…I just enjoyed it the feeling of struggle with my life on the line…me fighting going all out just to survive…why was it so good…I am disgusted with myself…why just why I had to pick a fight all those years ago, I thought after that I learned something I became a little bit matured but no…I was running like always I run…from my mother from my father…from Lia and ash…from my old man's Death…why am I so selfish and after all that I still love the feeling of taking those lives…after the death of my Old man…after so long I felt just free…"
Kelly feeling restless kept on muttering throughout the night; his mind was consumed by the haunting memories of past events. All he longed for was a peaceful slumber, a temporary escape from the relentless recollections. Yet, sleep eluded him, and in his restlessness, he found himself confronting the vivid images that tormented him. Within the depths of his imagination, he re lived the moment of slaying the beast, the rush of exhilaration etched on his face. But as the imaginary scene unfolded, it triggered an overwhelming flood of unwanted memories from his past. Like a forceful surge of water breaching a dam, the memories crashed upon him, engulfing him once more in their emotional grip.
"Why the fuck it's so tough to get a joint or a smoke here…what kind of a fuck logic is this that a hero can't smoke, I am not even a hero god danmit …"
Kelly spoke aloud as he firmly pressed his hand on his chest and felt his heart hammering like a drum.
And again, the stillness of the night took him to the depths of his mind where, Kelly confronted the memories of his foolish encounter with a man armed with a gun. The reminiscence brought forth the vivid recollection of his misguided belief that he was invincible, the fantasies of being the strongest under the heavens. He remembered the sheer joy of releasing his inhibitions, the thrill coursing through his veins. But then, it happened the man pulled the trigger, shattering his illusions and exposing the harsh reality before him. Fear gripped his fiber as he stood frozen, unable to take a single step. In that moment, despair washed over him, an unfamiliar emotion that seeped into his very being. For the first time, he truly understood the depths of the fear of life itself. And then he saw the fall of a hero… his hero… his grandfather… because of his arrogance… because of his foolishness… because of him…, he finally felt the weight of his arrogance and foolishness. It was because of him that he had lost someone dear. Time seemed to come to a standstill as his heart shattered, the pain searing through his chest like a vise squeezing his heart. A single tear escaped his eye before darkness enveloped him, and he slipped into unconsciousness.
When he finally got himself to wake up, Kelly found himself alone in a sterile hospital bed. It was revealed that the immense stress had caused him to lose consciousness. Overwhelmed by emotions, he couldn't hold back the floodgates of his sorrow.
He wailed uncontrollably, like a vulnerable child, in front of his family. His mother, who should have been grieving herself, stood by his side, offering comfort when she should be hitting his arrogant self for killing her father. In an unprecedented act, his father pulled him into a heartfelt embrace, desperately trying to soothe his pain. His younger brother and stepmother joined in, enveloping him in their arms, offering their support for days on end.
But despite their unwavering love, the void in his heart continued to expand, and the weight of guilt grew heavier with each passing day. Following the psychological sessions organized by his family, Kelly began to distance himself from them. Their sympathetic gazes pierced his already burdened conscience, exacerbating his feelings of guilt.
Finally, driven to his breaking point, Kelly reached out to his parents and pleaded with them to reclaim their own lives. He knew it was an unreasonable request, but he felt desperate for some semblance of normalcy. In a moment of desperation, he even resorted to threatening them with thoughts of suicide, a twisted attempt at gaining control over his own life. To his surprise, his words struck a chord, and his parents acquiesced, albeit with conditions.
They agreed to give him the space he craved, but only for two years until he finished high school. During this time, Kelly would be required to attend regular sessions with a psychologist to address his emotional well-being. A caretaker would be assigned to ensure his safety and provide support. Though it was far from an ideal solution, it offered Kelly a glimmer of hope, a chance to get away from them to rebuild himself and find his own path forward, even at that time he was selfish.
Now, in this moment of solitude, Kelly confronted the truth of his own shortcomings as a son. The weight of his anger towards himself grew heavier with each passing moment, fueling a sense of despair. Overwhelmed by his emotions, he couldn't contain them any longer. He cried out, unleashing a torrent of tears and screams. With every ounce of his being, he faced the full force of his fear, guilt, anger, and all the negative emotions that had consumed him.
In this cathartic release, something shifted within him. As the tears streamed down his face, he found a glimmer of acceptance. He acknowledged and embraced the depths of his emotions, refusing to push them aside any longer. It was a pivotal moment of self-awareness, a turning point where he began to reckon with his past and the person he had become.
"Sorry dad, mom I should have talked with you more…I should have grieved with you instead of making you suffer…Lia you too you were so loving and kind still I remained ungrateful towards everyone…I just hope ash my younger brother stands up to your expectations dad…please you all just be happy…"
Through this raw display of vulnerability, Kelly took the first step on a journey of self-forgiveness and healing. It was a daunting path; however he was finally ready to confront his own demons and strive towards a brighter, more hopeful future.