The evening air of spring always tended to have a faint chill to it that seemed to go right through Xueye. Tonight though he was quite warm with alcohol in his system and the proximity of the body he clung to as they walked had him enjoying the cool night air for once. Even as he clung to Yushi he was stumbling but all he could do was giggle each time.
"Careful," Yushi warned with a gentle smile as he reached out to stabilize Xueye. "I might have to carry you at this rate."
"I might be drunk enough to let you," Xueye giggled.
A coy smirk was Xueye's only warning. He felt dizzy at how quickly Yushi scooped him up, as though he'd been waiting to do so all night. Xueye wrapped his arms around Yushi's neck to help steady himself, feeling as though he was going to fall despite knowing Yushi wouldn't let that happen if he could help it.
"A little more warning next time!" Xueye looked away, unable to keep eye contact with that adoring gaze..
"Sorry, I couldn't let you change your mind," Yushi chuckled and Xueye felt the vibrations through his chest.
Xueye felt his own heart pounding in his chest. Now the proximity to Yushi was just as intoxicating as the drink in his system. His head was spinning still, he had to press one hand to his forehead to try and get it to stop.
"Perhaps I should have offered sooner," Yushi sighed softly as he adjusted his grip and resumed walking towards Xueye's home.
"Maybe instead stop me from drinking this much next time," Xueye suggested, leaning his head against Yushi's chest. Even if he felt so flustered at the proximity it was rather stabilizing, helping abate the spinning sensation.
"Was it really because it tasted so good or was it something else?" Yushi asked tentatively. Since it was just them now he felt more compelled to find out what was bothering Xueye all night. He had hoped that Xueye would be more open about it since he was drunk.
"A bit of both…" Xueye's expression clouded with those shadows Yushi noticed all night.
"Tell me," Yushi urged gently.
"I-I don't know if I should…" Xueye paled. How could he tell Yushi about his chaotic mess of thoughts? He worried in his addled state that he'd mess something up when their relationship was already teetering in his own mind. After all, they spent so much time apart after the incident with the dream root, he couldn't help but worry about where they stood.
"You can tell me anything. I won't be going anywhere," Yushi spoke with such a sugary sweet tone that Xueye's concerns about where they stood faded into the background noise of his mind.
"Shujing…" Xueye felt tears welling up over those soft words. "What if it hurts you?"
"It hurts me more to see you suffering silently," Yushi leaned his head against Xueye's. "Talk to me."
"Will you stay for a bit?" Xueye asked tentatively as his home came into view.
"I was hoping to take care of you a while longer," Yushi smiled warmly.
"Sorry for the trouble," Xueye flashed a somber smile.
"Caring for you is never any trouble," Yushi voiced so tenderly Xueye felt like he would melt through Yushi's fingers. "If anything it's the highlight of my day."
"Y-You can't just say things like that!" Xueye felt like he was going to combust. He certainly was more susceptible to Yushi's charms in his addled state.
Yushi set Xueye down on the doorstep to Xueye's home. He didn't go very far, keeping a hand at Xueye's back as the young man searched for his keys. Once he did, he struggled a little bit to unlock the door but managed to do so on his own before Yushi could reach out to help him.
Yushi guided Xueye to sit and fetched a glass of water for him before joining him. It gave Xueye a moment to make a poor attempt to sort through his thoughts, not that it really helped much.
"So, what's been bothering you all night?" Yushi asked after Xueye drank some water.
"Hmm, how do I put this…" Xueye exhaled. "Honestly, I'm not sure why I was so bothered. It's stupid really."
"Tell me anyways," Yushi rested a hand between his shoulders, a gentle comforting touch that Xueye melted into. Xueye was so terribly weak to Yushi's soothing gestures, even bringing up the most difficult of subjects felt easier because of it.
"Have you ever thought someone has changed but it just turns out nothing has at all? It was just hidden…" Xueye's fingers tensed around the cup of water in his hands. Even if Yushi made it easier, matters of the heart were still so difficult for Xueye to talk about, especially in recent years.
"You can't expect to see all sides of someone," Yushi was starting to understand there was something between Xueye and Jinse but neither of them seemed to have acted upon it for one reason or another. Even if it was difficult to accept, Yushi cared more about helping Xueye process or come to terms with it. So he was willing to set aside the part of himself that was getting riled up over it.
"I know," Xueye said dejectedly. "Like I said, it was stupid."
"Have you ever told him that it bothers you?" Yushi asked delicately.
"No…" Xueye slumped in his seat. "I don't want to force him to change. I just don't want to be lied to."
Yushi tensed briefly. It brought to the surface a concern that Yushi had lingering for some time. Most of what Xueye knew about Yushi was a well crafted lie so he could blend in among his people. Yushi did his best to work around it at times but how much would Xueye despise him should he find out.
"Even if the lie protects you?" Yushi couldn't stop himself before he blurted out the words.
"That's…" Xueye's eyes narrowed. His head hurt the more he thought about it, as did his heart. "I don't know… Is it really protection if it comes to light and hurts so much more?"
"I get it…" Yushi wanted to be able to tell him at some point. He would have to one day. He couldn't expect to love him as Shujing when he already wanted to as Yushi. However, this night wasn't the time, with how much Xueye drank it would be a wonder if Xueye even remembered this conversation. Although, Yushi would do his best to remind him if he needed to. "Xueye, I know I carry a lot of secrets. I want you to know I intend to share them all with you one day." Yushi brushed a stray strand of hair behind Xueye's ear.
"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean-!"
Yushi placed a finger on Xueye's lips to quiet his panic, "I know you didn't mean me. I still want you to know. It's been on my mind."
"I get your work must have things you can't tell me," Xueye huffed. "That's not the kind of stuff that bothers me."
"I understand more than you think," Yushi smiled softly. "I have much to tell you, but perhaps when you are a little more likely to remember and we have the time."
"You think I'm that far gone?" Xueye giggled.
"You seem pretty present, so probably not, but I don't want to risk it," Yushi cupped Xueye's cheek in the most gentle of caresses. "I want you to remember who I really am."
"You say that like you haven't been yourself around me," Xueye's smile warmed greatly. If there was one thing he was sure of, it was that Yushi was the most genuine person he'd been around, aside from Shizhe.
"Indeed, you are the one person I feel like I can be myself around," Yushi beamed at Xueye's uncanny perception of that fact. "That's why I hope to be able to tell you everything. That's why I want to tell you everything, in time."
"It's okay. I promise," Xueye placed his own hand over Yushi's and leaned into his touch. "We are still learning each other. I don't expect to know all about you. I'm just reading too much into things with Jinse. I'm getting bent out of shape for no reason."
"I don't think so," Yushi shook his head. "His intentions with you seem so unclear, it's only natural you get a little frustrated."
"And would you tell me if I were to ask what your intentions with me are?" Xueye found himself blurting out before he could think. Almost instantly he turned a little pink with the strangely hopeful thoughts he wasn't used to.
"I just want you to be happy," Yushi's fond smile spoke of so much more than those words conveyed. Xueye wanted to hear the words behind that expression.
"Is that really all?" Xueye closed his eyes, just melting into the warm palm on his cheek. He could feel Yushi's pulse faintly through it. It seemed Xueye wasn't the only one who's heart was racing.
"That's all I can say before I can tell you about those secrets," Yushi sighed, pressing his forehead to Xueye's. "Just know I'd give you the world if you asked me to."
"I don't need the world, just being around you is more than enough for me," Xueye sighed contentedly.
"I'm sorry you've been deprived of my presence then," Yushi chuckled.
"You have to make it up to me," Xueye said childishly.
"Whatever you ask of me," Yushi whispered softly.
"Stay?" Xueye's eyes searched Yushi's for any apprehension, but it was the same warmth in those eyes that was completely unwavering. "Take care of me a little longer?"
"I would love nothing more," Yushi beamed. "Are you still taking your sleep remedy?"
"Yeah…" Xueye closed his eyes and let out a breath. "I have a new remedy since the dream root hasn't been working quite the same."
"You haven't been sleeping well either?" Yushi's brows knitted in concern. Dream root was supposed to guarantee a pleasant dream, the fact that both Shizhe and Xueye were still having restless nights with it was worrisome. Even though Xueye expressed it was an issue before, Yushi was wondering if it was a warning from the Moon Goddess if they were both experiencing such troubles that not even dream root could dispel. "Are they different from what you are used to?"
"Yeah, actually," Xueye nodded. "Normally they are whispers of the past. Nothing but ice and snow and hurtful words. Remnants of my near death in Vual, usually."
"Wait, near death? What happened?" Yushi tensed.
"Ah, I probably should tell you," Xueye closed his eyes. "I was exploring ruins with my lover at the time. It started collapsing. We nearly escaped except I wasn't fast enough. She caught me but the ground was still unstable so…" Xueye took in a sharp breath, the words that came next were what truly haunted him, "she let me go and just ran. Her face was so cold, like she never cared about me at all… I fell deep into the pit that was formed, impaled on some old spear sticking out of the rubble." Xueye's hand ghosted over the place. It ached just thinking about it. "I was left in the cold to die. If Jinse hadn't seen her back in town without me and set out to find me, I would have died there in that frozen pit. I probably should have. It was some miracle it didn't kill me." Xueye was trembling but less out of fear or sorrow, but the memory always made him shiver as though the cold were there to take him again.
"I'm so glad you survived," Yushi pulled Xueye into an embrace, and Xueye delighted in the warmth. The grounding touch that made him remember he was in Meihua not trapped in the cold. "You still dream about this?"
"Nothing so vivid anymore, it's nothing but a hazy mess now. The cold, the feelings, the pain, distant voices. Every so often, her face, as she turned away…" Xueye clutched onto Yushi so desperately and he squeezed the young man tighter to reassure that he wasn't going anywhere. "It mixes with just about anything terrible in my life, especially moments with my father. See, it was especially hard to recover considering I received the news that my mother died as soon as I woke up in the hospital there. Xinhua arrived in person saying father had already held the funeral. He didn't bother to contact me. So, I apologize if I get a little emotional tomorrow."
"You have every right to be," Yushi felt his heart breaking for the young man in his arms. "You don't need to hold back on our account. I know I don't know him well but I don't think Jinse would blame you if you did either."
"Thank you," Xueye let out a shaky breath of relief. "I figured you wouldn't mind but it's nice to hear it."
"I appreciate you telling me." Yushi ran his hand up and down Xueye's back comfortingly. "I'm honored you would allow me to accompany you tomorrow amidst one of your most vulnerable times."
"Well my last one didn't scare you off so I thought I'd risk it…" Xueye giggled softly.
"You could never scare me off," Yushi pulled back to ensure Xueye could see his genuine dedication written all over his face. "You know there wasn't a thing I feared before I met you. The more I get to know you the more I fear hurting you, because you don't deserve it. Not after all you've been through."
"Is that why you were so worried about keeping secrets?" Xueye's lavender eyes were moist with unshed tears that shone all the brighter when he smiled with faint amusement.
"If I'm not careful you will find them out without me even telling you," Yushi joked.
"I promise to not look too hard into it," Xueye teased lightly.
"I just hope I don't scare you off so forgive me if I end up delaying." Yushi couldn't deny the anxiety in his heart over telling Xueye of his true identity. Reassurances or not, it was still present. "I don't want to lose you because I cherish our time like this. I've missed your company desperately."
"Shujing, you let me tell you anything without any judgement, it would only be fair that I do the same," Xueye's sweet smile was reassuring. "For the record I missed you too, admittedly it's why I invited you to join us tomorrow. To spend a little more time with you."
"Let's try not to let so much time pass in the future," Yushi chuckled softly.
"As much as I'd like that, it's obvious we both can get very busy. We can still try, though, and I appreciate your letters." Xueye lit up at the thought of them. It was the highlight of their time apart.
"As do I," Yushi beamed. "Still, I prefer to hear your voice."
"Then I'll be sure to save some words for you," Xueye laughed softly.
"I did get us a little off track, you were going to tell me how your nightmares have changed," Yushi reminded gently. He didn't want to break the happy mood, but he was more concerned about Xueye's wellbeing and the possibility of a lingering unseen threat that put him in danger.
"Mmn, right," Xueye nodded. He closed his eyes and tried to remember all the hazy details. "The specifics escape me, unlike my usual ones. I'm floating under the water and it feels like I'm being watched, that's all that has really stuck with me. I feel like I should be scared but for some reason they bother me less than what I usually see while I sleep. Oddly enough the unknown scares me less than my past. I just wish I felt less physically exhausted after waking from one of those, like I really had been swimming all night."
"That is quite odd," Yushi worried that Xueye wasn't getting proper rest again. He knew that Dr.Jingji was doing his best to help but he wondered what Shizhe would have to say provided she wasn't too exhausted herself. "Just how long ago did it start?"
"Hmm, I don't know exactly when it started but definitely in the past couple weeks, I think…" Xueye yawned as the day and the alcohol was catching up to him.
"I hope it improves soon. You deserve only the sweetest of dreams." Yushi reached up and pulled the crescent moon hair pin from Xueye's hair and let the white locks fall as he ran his hand through them. He set the pin down on the table in front of them. "Allow me."
"Please," Xueye sighed contentedly, shifting so Yushi had better access to his hair. Yushi started gently combing his fingers through that soft, white hair. It was bringing back such a complacent feeling that Xueye missed from staying with Yushi. "I admit the promise of sleeping in tomorrow sounds delightful."
"As you should," Yushi said with a fond smile as he started braiding Xueye's hair. "You should catch up on your rest. It sounds like you will need it."
"Mmn," Xueye agreed softly. "Have you been resting well? I know you mentioned being restless."
"Depends on the day," Yushi admitted, his voice softening hoping to lessen any worry on Xueye's part. "Recent rain and palace work has made it a bit difficult. Concerns I carry have also made it a problem as of late."
"If there is anything you can share, you can tell me," Xueye offered.
"The main thing has been worrying over those I care about. Luoshi, Yuliang, Shizhe, your sister, you."
"Me? Did I really send you anything that made you worry?" Xueye tilted his head back a little to glance at him.
"Not at all," Yushi smiled gently. "I meant it though, that you are often on my mind. Not being able to visit you, I couldn't help but worry something might happen and I couldn't be there for you."
"Oh, Shujing," Xueye felt his heart squeeze. "Aside from a few restless nights there hasn't been anything wrong. I promise."
"I think I've made it apparent my concern is more than just your safety," Yushi gently tapped the side of Xueye's temple. "Clearly there's been a lot on your mind you haven't written about."
"I guess so," Xueye closed his eyes. "I promise it's not all that bad. Just sort of compiled a little tonight. I do feel better after chatting."
"I figured you would," Yushi chuckled softly. "And that's just the thing I mean."
"I understand now," Xueye voiced quietly. "You aren't the only one I speak to about these things. Shizhe has a tendency to pry a little to check on me whenever I visit. Yuliang listens when it's just us in Shizhe's garden. Obviously, my sister and brother do whenever I see them. Dr. Jingji always checks in on me when I visit Qingkong. Jinse tries to when he notices something is bothering me."
"I'm glad you have many to rely on now, but am I selfish to want to be the one you come to the most?" Yushi draped Xueye's untied braid over his shoulder and embraced the young man.
"Maybe a little," Xueye giggled, relaxing into his embrace. "But I don't see anything wrong with it. I've never felt more comfortable sharing so much with someone, truly. I really don't know how you bring it out of me."
"I'm glad you think so," Yushi was so delighted to hear as such. Despite how he was talking it was nice to know that Xueye was confiding in others. Xueye was opening up more in such a short time. The part of him that wanted to monopolize Xueye's attention felt a little jealous, but he really couldn't hold it against any of them. They were supporting Xueye when Yushi couldn't. It really was a comfort, especially when it was with those he trusted. "I just don't want you to feel alone anymore."
"I'm not," Xueye whispered with a fond smile.
"Indeed," Yushi ran his hand along Xueye's arm, releasing the young man from his embrace. "Shall I make you tea while you dress down for the evening?"
"I would like that," Xueye hummed thoughtfully.