A/N: This is a side story between Jiwon x Dacre (it has a sexual scene but its not that explicit), this takes place between chapter XX and XXI.
Song Recommendation: ♫ Narcissistic - Jade LeMac ♫
"Take me. Bound me. Break me. The sensation of your skin on mine burns like the sun, up close it might kill me, yet I can't help it, as it draws me closer to my doom. I love you. I despise you. I need you. Bring me towards my downfall as we interlock our bodies in this hell of our own making.''
A personality that most would consider arrogant, childish and pathetic, that's how most people see Dacre, as a child from the slums that sold his body way too easily to pay off debts that weren't even his. But behind those deep green eyes, there is a person that is everything but stupid, he knows how to act, what to say and how to say it. This was the way he found to be able to survive, if he could choose, he wouldn't have had a mom that was an addict, he wouldn't have seen his father's limp dead body as his first core memory of life, and he definitely wouldn't have sucked off old, disgusting men in exchange for measly silver coins.
But even if he had to resort to such desperate methods to survive, he never saw himself as wrong or disgusting, he never saw his choices as immoral. Sure, people call him slut, rat, disgusting, whore and a bunch of other derogatory names, but he never took them to his heart, he is too sure of himself to do that. He is too sure that those disgusting people are only acting the way he allows them to, that when they do so, he can't take what they say seriously.
After he became a knight, slowly he's been peeling off this mask of weakness he usually carries, his real personality slowly flowing through the cracks. Right now he's not a scared and desperate child anymore, sure he's still considered a child to most, but when one isn't allowed to have a proper childhood, it's hard to look at the mirror and think 'I'm only 18, I'm not an adult yet, I still have time to grow'. And then he blinks and he's almost 19, soon he'll be 20 and then he'll grow and grow, and in the end he'll never feel as if he ever got to be a reckless child.
Regardless, he doesn't regret his past, nor thinks he wishes to have had a different one. All Dacre wants is to be able to start over in a place where his mother's debt can't reach him, being Prince Nikias' knight gave him that, and he doesn't wish to throw it away.
So this night was incredibly important, he had a job to do, something was entrusted to him.
But he failed.
He failed his saviour.
All he had to do was stay there, act as a proper knight, he was so sure he could go instead of Scarlet or Gutierre, that he would do a great job. He was chosen as Prince Nikias' personal knight, he was trusted with that position.
Yet, he failed.
I need to go back, he thinks, desperation reaching his heart, but it is already too late, the nobles already started arriving, and what could he do when the man in his arms is literally glowing pink?
Fuck, he feels trapped, between a knife and a rock, there's no choice to be made, he knows that, if he goes back without Jiwon he could suffer bigger consequences, and if he stays he could lose the light he finally found after so long.
''You feel cool, its nice'', Jiwon mumbles, his arms around Dacre's waist, his skin burning up as his veins glow in a pinkish light, making the man glow in his entirety, the tiara in his head is now fixed and has a beautiful tone of silver, as if belonged there all along. Dacre can also feel the bulge on Jiwon's pants as the man rubs himself against him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Dacre feels immobilized, he can't enter the ballroom or the Palace again, and walking towards the dorms might get them caught by other knights. No one can see him like this, he observes, seeing how the man who's usually disgusted by him is now rubbing himself against him, mumbling nonsense.
You'll be my downfall, Dacre thinks, staring at Jiwon's hair that is dripping in sweat, his usual dark eyes are in a deep pink tone, mellowed, as if he's pleading for something with his gaze. Maybe if it was anyone else, they wouldn't be able to keep their calm, but Dacre can, even with his heart beating faster and his pants hurting due to his own erection, he's looking around, seeking a place to take shelter.
Because when walking around could grant you a beating or perhaps even death if you're not smart enough, he can deal with the temptation for as long as he should.
''We need to leave the gardens, Jiwon, or we'll get caught'', Dacre says, pulling Jiwon up, the man completely out of it, before he was grunting in pain, but now its as if a switch in his head was turned and he looks as if he's in heat. Jiwon's eyes meet Dacre's before the man tightens his grip and lays his head on the pink-haired boy's shoulders. I can't walk like this, for fucks sake. Dacre attempts to pull him off, but he can't, he was never as strong as the other knights. At the distance he can see the knights patrolling and a few carriages passing by, they're away from prying eyes, but it's a matter of time before someone catches them. ''Please, you can rub yourself in me as much as you want once we're safe'', Dacre says, pleading, he's starting to become desperate, his mind in shambles as he keeps wondering how he will make things right with the Prince.
What if he abandons me?
Was he too greedy to try becoming friends with someone above his stance?
Is this his punishment?
''Dacre'', his name sounds like a plea leaving Jiwon's lips, his eyes are filled with tears and his mouth is parted, as if he's suffering. Why, why me? Why must I be in this situation? Why didn't I just ignore your suffering? ''My Dacre'', Jiwon whispers, rubbing his head on Dacre's shoulder. ''Don't abandon me'', those words hit him like an arrow, his heart bleeding. ''I love you'', he says again, are you even sober? Dacre can't move, all he can do is stare at the flowers being moved by the wind, feeling as a man 5 years older pleads as he rubs against him, his green eyes becoming darker and darker as he processes what's happening. ''Mine, mine, mine'', Jiwon keeps repeating, rumbling words he himself barely understands. ''My Dacre, my soulmate''.
His blood runs cold.
Soulmate?
Ha.
What a joke.
Dacre can't help but smile, another smile that never reaches his dull eyes.
There's no such thing as soulmates, there's no such thing as someone that will love you for eternity.
This is a lie to bound people, just until they're not enough for you anymore.
If they were truly soulmates, why did Jiwon spend 3 months leaving every night to sleep with someone else? Why did he throw harmful remarks towards Dacre at every opportunity? Why did he insist on saying he would never be attracted to him?
Sure, Dacre knew those were mostly lies.
So why would this be true?
''Please, don't leave me, I can't lose you too'', Jiwon says as if he lost it all. As if he was at the bottom of a well, begging Dacre to pull him up. But isn't this situation exactly the opposite? Jiwon is an important member of a special force of knights, well-regarded by his peers, loved by the people of the nation he serves and surrounded by those who love him, even if he lost his parents, his sisters are there, to remind him he has a family to go back to if he ever feels lost.
What does Dacre have besides this opportunity? Being a knight is all he has.
His last resort.
Well, this and finally fully selling his body.
He avoided as much as he could, becoming an actual prostitute.
Sure, he did blowjobs and sometimes allowed men to touch his body for an extra fee, but he never went all the way or allowed them to even kiss him.
But if he goes back, to the streets.
He won't have a choice anymore.
He'll finally be forced to break.
''I won't leave you if you just let us go somewhere else.'' He says, attempting to convince the man again.
''You promise?'' As if snapping away from his own daze, Jiwon looks at Dacre, finally standing up properly. Dacre's eyes go to the man's pants where a big stain is in the area of his crotch. For the goddess' sake. ''Promise me''.
At this point, he's exhausted, so exhausted he doesn't stop to think what those words might entail. If he just stopped to see the glimmer in Jiwon's eyes, the pink smoke around them or even the tiara in his head that was shining as if it was made of diamonds. Dacre would know that words he said just to convince the man to leave that place, would bound their souls. But either way, he doesn't notice those things, all he does is stare at the moon as he mutters those words. ''I promise''.
Arriving at their room in the dorms was easier than Dacre thought, once Jiwon was collaborating, they were able to avoid passerbys and enter the building unnoticed. And although the older man refused to let go of Dacre's hand during the whole path, he was able to control himself. Thank god, Dacre thinks with relief the moment he closes the dorm's door, just before Jiwon hugs him again from behind. But now, it doesn't matter anymore, the damage is already done, at least now they're out of prying eyes.
''Let's take the uniforms out'', he says, feeling like a baby's parent, trying to convince them to take off a costume. Jiwon raises his head to look at Dacre, his eyes are now back at its usual black tone and his veins weren't glowing anymore, he seems stable, the tiara on his head is also back on its broken state, but on Jiwon's forehead there is a small scar in the shape of a diadem. Dacre can't avoid but touch the new scar, the place is warm and the scar feels fresh. ''Did it hurt too much?'' Dacre asks with a whisper, when he put the tiara on Jiwon's head, it's not like he didn't know the real consequences, he just didn't know it could hurt him that much.
''Yeah'', Jiwon mumbles, rubbing his cheek on Dacre's shoulder. ''But it's ok now, hugging you helps''.
Dacre sighs, he isn't sure how to proceed, he read and heard about saints before, but he never interacted with one so directly, the memory of the God of Love still fresh on his mind, his words and the way he acted, as if he was doing Jiwon a favor by granting him sainthood. However there isn't such a thing as a deal that doesn't benefit the other part when it comes to gods.
Your soul is quite interesting, child.
What did the god mean by that? And what did Jiwon see in Dacre that made him, well, act like this?
''I thought you hated me'' Dacre says, attempting to push the other away, but Jiwon doesn't budge.
''I thought it was hate too'', Jiwon answers, looking at him again. ''Your soul is so beautiful'', he says, as if he was still out of his mind. He went insane, Dacre thinks, but doesn't say a word. His expression must've given him away, though, because Jiwon speaks again. ''I'm not crazy, my mind just feels clear now''. He steps back, finally giving space for Dacre to move, turning on the room's light, he stares at the knight, who's looking at him with longing clear in his eyes. ''I felt such intense emotions because we're soulmates''.
''Sure, and I'm the lost son of a rich noble'', Dacre scoffs, taking off his uniform.
''I can see it, Dacre, the lines intertwining our hearts'', Jiwon says, placing his hand above his own heart. ''I always thought soulmates was bullshit, but now that I can see these… lines, I can tell, they're real and they mean something''.
''So you became a believer now that you're a saint?'' Dacre asks, still skeptical, thanking the gods that his own erection was gone as they were walking there, because Jiwon's was still there, and he wouldn't be able to hide his own feelings if his were so clear like that. ''You're just horny'', he says as he takes off his shirt, Jiwon's eyes burning through his skin.
''If you want to sane your doubts, just ask away'', Jiwon says, his tone is calm, he never spoke to Dacre like that, almost as if he respects him, the idea brings shivers down the boy's spine.
''Fine, if we're soulmates, then why you slept with so many people after you came to the Empire?'' He asks, sitting down on his bed just wearing his underwear. He's not stupid, he knows what's going to happen soon, and he's not in the mood to get dressed just to be undressed minutes later.
''Because of my rejection of sainthood and the poison made my mana go haywire and my feelings were a mess, I confused feeling horny for you to just feeling horny, so I tried to sane those feelings through sex.'' His answer is even more ridiculous than what Dacre imagined, even so, he believes his words, because there's sincerity in his eyes. ''And my anger towards you was more towards myself, for not being able to understand my own emotions.''
''I see'', Dacre says simply. ''I believe you''.
''Thank you''.
''But I don't forgive you'', he continued. ''There was no reason for you to go to those places to find women to sleep with, and most of all, you treated me like shit, Jiwon, just because I could tell you were into me, doesn't mean I can't feel hurt by your words''.
''Did you, though?''
''What?''
''Feel hurt?''
Jiwon's question makes Dacre hesitate, no, he never took his words seriously nor he ever felt truly hurt by them. Regardless, he doesn't hate himself enough to say that he'll forget everything just because he's confident enough in himself to not be hurt by those stupid remarks.
''Me being hurt or not, doesn't erase your words''.
''You also said hurtful things, Dacre'', Jiwon says, approaching Dacre's bed.
''Not because I'm secretly in love with you Jiwon''.
His words and eyes are clear, they're not equal in this relationship. For sure, Jiwon is one of the few if not the only person Dacre feels sexually attracted to, even so, he doesn't feel love nor believe them to be soulmates. Speculating about what your life would be if you made any choice differently was never in Dacre's book, but if it were, and it was indeed true that he and Jiwon are soulmates - something he doesn't even believe in, but just for imagination sake -, then, it would mean that they were never meant to have a relationship by the gods standards.
As they wouldn't have met in any other circumstance and in any other world.
What led them in each other's path was an anomaly in itself.
Differently from the others that have a lot of reasons to meet besides Prince Nikias interference, Jiwon and Dacre only met due to someone else's choices, someone else's life and someone else's privilege.
Or at least that's how Dacre sees it.
''That's fair, you're angry'', Jiwon says as he caresses Dacre's cheek, moving a few strands of hair away from his eyes. ''But if you saw what I did there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind that we're meant to be''.
''And what did you see?''
Jiwon pauses, he sighs as his hands drop to his side and he seems to think, proceeding to move to his own bed, removing the tiara from his head and starting to undress as well. ''A lot, infinite worlds, infinite possibilities, infinite fragments of our souls''.
''And how do you know that wasn't just a figment of your delirious imagination?'' Dacre asks, looking anywhere but Jiwon, as he isn't ready to see the man naked, not when he's still processing the information thrown at him.
''I saw a world where we were childhood friends, another where we met at a coffee shop, one where we met at an Academy, oh, there was one where we met at a party as well, it was quite different, I never saw clothes like that, you were quite… bold''. Jiwon smiles, he's trying to ease the information, he truly is, sure, before he was quite out of his mind as his brain was bombarded with information about parallel lives, souls and whatnot, but now everything just feels right, his mind is clear and he isn't even sure what he was scared of.
Maybe Cypress was right, and all Jiwon had was survivor's guilt. He could only see snippets of his family through those worlds, as a god of love does also involve familial love, but as it was mostly focused on Dacre he couldn't see much, but it was enough for him to understand. That it isn't his fault. That he couldn't have done anything to save them. And that if given the chance, his parents would make the same choice of sending Jiwon away in a heartbeat.
He would be lying if he said that he found it easy to accept the fact that he and Dacre are soulmates, or that he is, in fact, madly in love with him. Through the first snippets he saw, he found it hard to believe, how could've he and Dacre meet even if his country had never fallen? And why did Dacre have such horrid scars in his body? Then another one came by, they were chatting, laughing as they were watching a street performance, talking about how they've been friends since childhood. And again, another one where he was sitting alone in front of Dacre's grave, crying copiously as he mumbled about losing his chance due to pride.
And then again, and again, and again, every single world, a million possibilities, a thousand what if scenarios and others that were completely different from his real world. Not only that but the emotions his other selves were feeling, the sensation of love, lust, grief, pain, hate, everything was just extremely overwhelming for a while. But then it stopped and all it remained was this reality. His real life, his choices, his Dacre.
''I love you'', he says, staring at the pink haired man. It is a lot to digest, sure, but he'll regret it if he keeps to himself or tries to deny it. A relationship can always change, even when the scale is heavier on one side, it can slowly become equal. And he's willing to wait until Dacre's heart is ready for him.
Dacre finally looks at him, Jiwon isn't naked, he only took off his jacket, deep inside him, Dacre even feels disappointed. Such a feeling makes him want to laugh, why is he disappointed? Does he want to see Jiwon naked? Even when hearing those heavy words didn't even make his heart skip a beat? ''So you do want to sleep with me''.
''If we end up dating, yes, of course'', Jiwon nods.
''Fine,'' Dacre says, laying down on his bed. ''I don't believe in soulmates, I don't believe in parallel lives or even that we could have a healthy relationship. But I am attracted to you, and if dating you will soon make you realize you don't really love me, then sure, let's date''.
''I don't think-''
''However'', Dacre interrupts Jiwon, ''I have a small condition''.
''What is it?''
''No one can know, sure, Nikias is smart, he'll figure it out, Fleuri probably as well, but they will pretend not to because they can't be bothered, but I don't want you telling others, nor want to tell them myself, we will be dating only inside these walls, when we're alone. No hugging, kissing or touching in public, nor saying anything that might be misunderstood.''
''Why?''
''Because I don't want to be seen as an idiot, Jiwon, I don't care when it's for my own survival, but choosing to date someone that treats you like shit isn't exactly commendable''. He says, looking at the man's direction, the truth is, that he's scared, scared of having to explain to others when they break up, because that will happen eventually.
One way or another they'll break up.
What Jiwon feels isn't love, it can't be.
Dacre isn't someone who can be loved like that.
A love for eternity.
He only spoke of the worlds where they were together, but what about the ones they weren't? The ones where they never even crossed paths? If Dacre were to believe his words, there's still a lot that he didn't speak of, and seeing only pieces of a life doesn't exactly bring him such reassurance, how does he know if they never broke up in those worlds? Or if Jiwon went off to date another girl and marry?
Dacre is gay, and he always felt like he was losing because of that. If he dates Jiwon that has options, why would Dacre be his choice? Why would he choose to have to live a hard life?
Sure, being around Nikias and Lyor may make one think that most people are accepting of those who like the same sex, but that isn't the truth. It's not been even 100 years that same-sex marriage was approved, and the idea of same sex couples having children was something implemented in the last 10 years and was highly criticized.
Jiwon doesn't know how much they would suffer if they're together in public.
And Dacre is brave for a lot of things, especially those he knows he'll succeed, dating Jiwon is a mess that will destroy him.
That is the absolute truth.
''Okay'', Jiwon says with a sigh. ''Just to make it clear, this was your choice, I don't mind writing that I am yours in my forehead if needed''.
The pink-haired boy has no choice but to laugh, the sudden change in personality of the man being completely opposite than just a few hours ago.
There isn't much trust going into this relationship.
They're not right for each other.
However, reading the situation, this is the only way to make Jiwon give up, by giving him a taste, so that he soon finds out he hates it or becomes bored of Dacre, and then returns to his life, marry some girl and be happy.
Because the only future for them together is misery.
''Then what are you waiting for? Marital bells? Let's just fuck'', Dacre says, his words are crude, but Jiwon doesn't even flinch.
''Ha, you can be quite mean when you want to'', the man says, getting up from his bed and approaching the other, he leans over Dacre, his dark hair brushing against Dacre's forehead as he comes closer.
He smells like sweat… He thinks, blinking slowly before closing his eyes. This isn't Dacre's first kiss, he had a few with other boys in the slums, not paid, of course, and they weren't all that bad. Dacre never had high libido either way, so when Jiwon's lips touched his, he didn't think for even a second that he could get hard by a kiss.
Damn, how was he wrong.
No wonder he hooked up with so many people, he can't help but think once the kiss deepens, small bites, his warm tongue and a soft breath on his skin, the kiss feels good and soon he's letting off soft moans and he feels his blood rushing to his crotch. Even if Dacre doesn't have much experience in sexual situations that require him being into it as well, Jiwon is a natural, or it would be better to say that he is highly experienced in comparison? His kisses go from his mouth to his neck, sucking in a few parts, then his chest, paying special attention to Dacre's nipples, that honestly just feel slightly ticklish and then his legs, placing what feels like a million kisses along the way.
''Do you like kisses?'' Jiwon asks, touching Dacre's erection through his underwear.
''It surely appears so'', the boy answers, moaning softly as the other takes off his own pants.
''We can't go all the way right away, you need to prep beforehand''.
''Oh, so I'm at the bottom?'' Dacre asks with a soft smirk, not able to hold back his moan when Jiwon pulls his underwear down and touches his dick directly. His hand is hot and sweaty, but it feels good as he moves it slowly.
''If you want I can do it'', Jiwon says as he takes off his own underwear, his dick is clearly rock hard, he's not much bigger than Dacre, however he is quite thick. I want to suck him off, Dacre thinks, but doesn't move, not today. The room is slowly becoming hotter, and the boy is starting to sweat as well, the feeling of their bare skin touching is quite hot and the closed room is starting to smell like sex even if they're not actively doing anything.
''I don't mind'', Dacre says. ''But I don't want to always be in the bottom'', he continues, after all, he is just as prideful as Jiwon, even if he shows it less.
''Sure, whatever you want my love'', Jiwon says, his breath is unstable and he also moans once he places his dick on top of Dacre's and starts moving both together with his hands. The feeling of their sensitive skin touching and the sound leaving their mouths is all he needs, he just wants to feel connected, a proof that they're together now, the feeling of watching someone you love feeling pleasure through your hands is unbeatable. ''I love you so much'', Jiwon mumbles between moans, leaning over Dacre, burying his head on the boy's shoulder as he fastens the pace of his hands.
It feels good, Dacre thinks, he wants to speak as well but he can't stop moaning, he never thought he was sensitive like this, but he feels so good, as if he's floating, the build-up of pleasure on the pits of his stomach, his flushed skin, his rapid and damp breath and the drops of sweat on their bodies, his heart beating so fast he wonders if he might have a heart attack from feeling this much pleasure. He's not even sure if it is because it's Jiwon or if he was always weak to pleasure and just never had the opportunity to taste it. How will it feel when we finally do it? He even wonders.
''I'm gonna cum, my love'', Jiwon whispers in Dacre's ear, biting his lobe, his breath loud, shivers run down Dacre's spine as he feels himself climaxing alongside the other. A feeling of relief mixed with the need of feeling it more.
Crossing the line between them was easy, too easy. Even so, Dacre still feels empty once it's over, even if Jiwon is still laying on top of him, catching his breath, even if their naked skin is still touching. It all feels… useless.
It's all empty pleasure.
In the end, Dacre will be left alone and broken.
So he mustn't allow himself to feel more than just pleasure.
Because he's aware of his position in society and he doesn't want to allow himself to start skydiving into unknown feelings he cannot control.
At least now this is solved, and Jiwon won't trouble Nikias anymore, Dacre thinks, one of his problems is already solved, right now he must then move towards stability and being able to have a life after he's abandoned by those who won't require him anymore.
I truly wish to befriend Nikias, though, I never had friends and I think we might hit it off, he thinks with a sigh, just then noticing that the older man fell asleep on top of him. A soft laugh leaves his lips as he turns to see Jiwon's peaceful sleeping face, he's so attractive when his mouth is shut, he thinks, a smile lingering on his lips. One day you'll find someone better, I just hope you don't break me too much on your way out, he places a soft kiss on Jiwon's cheek, drifting to sleep himself, as he won't be able to push the knight off anyway.
♫ Narcissistic - Jade LeMac ♫
"Take me. Bound me. Break me. The sensation of your skin on mine burns like the sun, up close it might kill me, yet I can't help it, as it draws me closer to my doom. I love you. I despise you. I need you. Bring me towards my downfall as we interlock our bodies in this hell of our own making.''
A personality that most would consider arrogant, childish and pathetic, that's how most people see Dacre, as a child from the slums that sold his body way too easily to pay off debts that weren't even his. But behind those deep green eyes, there is a person that is everything but stupid, he knows how to act, what to say and how to say it. This was the way he found to be able to survive, if he could choose, he wouldn't have had a mom that was an addict, he wouldn't have seen his father's limp dead body as his first core memory of life, and he definitely wouldn't have sucked off old, disgusting men in exchange for measly silver coins.
But even if he had to resort to such desperate methods to survive, he never saw himself as wrong or disgusting, he never saw his choices as immoral. Sure, people call him slut, rat, disgusting, whore and a bunch of other derogatory names, but he never took them to his heart, he is too sure of himself to do that. He is too sure that those disgusting people are only acting the way he allows them to, that when they do so, he can't take what they say seriously.
After he became a knight, slowly he's been peeling off this mask of weakness he usually carries, his real personality slowly flowing through the cracks. Right now he's not a scared and desperate child anymore, sure he's still considered a child to most, but when one isn't allowed to have a proper childhood, it's hard to look at the mirror and think 'I'm only 18, I'm not an adult yet, I still have time to grow'. And then he blinks and he's almost 19, soon he'll be 20 and then he'll grow and grow, and in the end he'll never feel as if he ever got to be a reckless child.
Regardless, he doesn't regret his past, nor thinks he wishes to have had a different one. All Dacre wants is to be able to start over in a place where his mother's debt can't reach him, being Prince Nikias' knight gave him that, and he doesn't wish to throw it away.
So this night was incredibly important, he had a job to do, something was entrusted to him.
But he failed.
He failed his saviour.
All he had to do was stay there, act as a proper knight, he was so sure he could go instead of Scarlet or Gutierre, that he would do a great job. He was chosen as Prince Nikias' personal knight, he was trusted with that position.
Yet, he failed.
I need to go back, he thinks, desperation reaching his heart, but it is already too late, the nobles already started arriving, and what could he do when the man in his arms is literally glowing pink?
Fuck, he feels trapped, between a knife and a rock, there's no choice to be made, he knows that, if he goes back without Jiwon he could suffer bigger consequences, and if he stays he could lose the light he finally found after so long.
''You feel cool, its nice'', Jiwon mumbles, his arms around Dacre's waist, his skin burning up as his veins glow in a pinkish light, making the man glow in his entirety, the tiara in his head is now fixed and has a beautiful tone of silver, as if belonged there all along. Dacre can also feel the bulge on Jiwon's pants as the man rubs himself against him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Dacre feels immobilized, he can't enter the ballroom or the Palace again, and walking towards the dorms might get them caught by other knights. No one can see him like this, he observes, seeing how the man who's usually disgusted by him is now rubbing himself against him, mumbling nonsense.
You'll be my downfall, Dacre thinks, staring at Jiwon's hair that is dripping in sweat, his usual dark eyes are in a deep pink tone, mellowed, as if he's pleading for something with his gaze. Maybe if it was anyone else, they wouldn't be able to keep their calm, but Dacre can, even with his heart beating faster and his pants hurting due to his own erection, he's looking around, seeking a place to take shelter.
Because when walking around could grant you a beating or perhaps even death if you're not smart enough, he can deal with the temptation for as long as he should.
''We need to leave the gardens, Jiwon, or we'll get caught'', Dacre says, pulling Jiwon up, the man completely out of it, before he was grunting in pain, but now its as if a switch in his head was turned and he looks as if he's in heat. Jiwon's eyes meet Dacre's before the man tightens his grip and lays his head on the pink-haired boy's shoulders. I can't walk like this, for fucks sake. Dacre attempts to pull him off, but he can't, he was never as strong as the other knights. At the distance he can see the knights patrolling and a few carriages passing by, they're away from prying eyes, but it's a matter of time before someone catches them. ''Please, you can rub yourself in me as much as you want once we're safe'', Dacre says, pleading, he's starting to become desperate, his mind in shambles as he keeps wondering how he will make things right with the Prince.
What if he abandons me?
Was he too greedy to try becoming friends with someone above his stance?
Is this his punishment?
''Dacre'', his name sounds like a plea leaving Jiwon's lips, his eyes are filled with tears and his mouth is parted, as if he's suffering. Why, why me? Why must I be in this situation? Why didn't I just ignore your suffering? ''My Dacre'', Jiwon whispers, rubbing his head on Dacre's shoulder. ''Don't abandon me'', those words hit him like an arrow, his heart bleeding. ''I love you'', he says again, are you even sober? Dacre can't move, all he can do is stare at the flowers being moved by the wind, feeling as a man 5 years older pleads as he rubs against him, his green eyes becoming darker and darker as he processes what's happening. ''Mine, mine, mine'', Jiwon keeps repeating, rumbling words he himself barely understands. ''My Dacre, my soulmate''.
His blood runs cold.
Soulmate?
Ha.
What a joke.
Dacre can't help but smile, another smile that never reaches his dull eyes.
There's no such thing as soulmates, there's no such thing as someone that will love you for eternity.
This is a lie to bound people, just until they're not enough for you anymore.
If they were truly soulmates, why did Jiwon spend 3 months leaving every night to sleep with someone else? Why did he throw harmful remarks towards Dacre at every opportunity? Why did he insist on saying he would never be attracted to him?
Sure, Dacre knew those were mostly lies.
So why would this be true?
''Please, don't leave me, I can't lose you too'', Jiwon says as if he lost it all. As if he was at the bottom of a well, begging Dacre to pull him up. But isn't this situation exactly the opposite? Jiwon is an important member of a special force of knights, well-regarded by his peers, loved by the people of the nation he serves and surrounded by those who love him, even if he lost his parents, his sisters are there, to remind him he has a family to go back to if he ever feels lost.
What does Dacre have besides this opportunity? Being a knight is all he has.
His last resort.
Well, this and finally fully selling his body.
He avoided as much as he could, becoming an actual prostitute.
Sure, he did blowjobs and sometimes allowed men to touch his body for an extra fee, but he never went all the way or allowed them to even kiss him.
But if he goes back, to the streets.
He won't have a choice anymore.
He'll finally be forced to break.
''I won't leave you if you just let us go somewhere else.'' He says, attempting to convince the man again.
''You promise?'' As if snapping away from his own daze, Jiwon looks at Dacre, finally standing up properly. Dacre's eyes go to the man's pants where a big stain is in the area of his crotch. For the goddess' sake. ''Promise me''.
At this point, he's exhausted, so exhausted he doesn't stop to think what those words might entail. If he just stopped to see the glimmer in Jiwon's eyes, the pink smoke around them or even the tiara in his head that was shining as if it was made of diamonds. Dacre would know that words he said just to convince the man to leave that place, would bound their souls. But either way, he doesn't notice those things, all he does is stare at the moon as he mutters those words. ''I promise''.
Arriving at their room in the dorms was easier than Dacre thought, once Jiwon was collaborating, they were able to avoid passerbys and enter the building unnoticed. And although the older man refused to let go of Dacre's hand during the whole path, he was able to control himself. Thank god, Dacre thinks with relief the moment he closes the dorm's door, just before Jiwon hugs him again from behind. But now, it doesn't matter anymore, the damage is already done, at least now they're out of prying eyes.
''Let's take the uniforms out'', he says, feeling like a baby's parent, trying to convince them to take off a costume. Jiwon raises his head to look at Dacre, his eyes are now back at its usual black tone and his veins weren't glowing anymore, he seems stable, the tiara on his head is also back on its broken state, but on Jiwon's forehead there is a small scar in the shape of a diadem. Dacre can't avoid but touch the new scar, the place is warm and the scar feels fresh. ''Did it hurt too much?'' Dacre asks with a whisper, when he put the tiara on Jiwon's head, it's not like he didn't know the real consequences, he just didn't know it could hurt him that much.
''Yeah'', Jiwon mumbles, rubbing his cheek on Dacre's shoulder. ''But it's ok now, hugging you helps''.
Dacre sighs, he isn't sure how to proceed, he read and heard about saints before, but he never interacted with one so directly, the memory of the God of Love still fresh on his mind, his words and the way he acted, as if he was doing Jiwon a favor by granting him sainthood. However there isn't such a thing as a deal that doesn't benefit the other part when it comes to gods.
Your soul is quite interesting, child.
What did the god mean by that? And what did Jiwon see in Dacre that made him, well, act like this?
''I thought you hated me'' Dacre says, attempting to push the other away, but Jiwon doesn't budge.
''I thought it was hate too'', Jiwon answers, looking at him again. ''Your soul is so beautiful'', he says, as if he was still out of his mind. He went insane, Dacre thinks, but doesn't say a word. His expression must've given him away, though, because Jiwon speaks again. ''I'm not crazy, my mind just feels clear now''. He steps back, finally giving space for Dacre to move, turning on the room's light, he stares at the knight, who's looking at him with longing clear in his eyes. ''I felt such intense emotions because we're soulmates''.
''Sure, and I'm the lost son of a rich noble'', Dacre scoffs, taking off his uniform.
''I can see it, Dacre, the lines intertwining our hearts'', Jiwon says, placing his hand above his own heart. ''I always thought soulmates was bullshit, but now that I can see these… lines, I can tell, they're real and they mean something''.
''So you became a believer now that you're a saint?'' Dacre asks, still skeptical, thanking the gods that his own erection was gone as they were walking there, because Jiwon's was still there, and he wouldn't be able to hide his own feelings if his were so clear like that. ''You're just horny'', he says as he takes off his shirt, Jiwon's eyes burning through his skin.
''If you want to sane your doubts, just ask away'', Jiwon says, his tone is calm, he never spoke to Dacre like that, almost as if he respects him, the idea brings shivers down the boy's spine.
''Fine, if we're soulmates, then why you slept with so many people after you came to the Empire?'' He asks, sitting down on his bed just wearing his underwear. He's not stupid, he knows what's going to happen soon, and he's not in the mood to get dressed just to be undressed minutes later.
''Because of my rejection of sainthood and the poison made my mana go haywire and my feelings were a mess, I confused feeling horny for you to just feeling horny, so I tried to sane those feelings through sex.'' His answer is even more ridiculous than what Dacre imagined, even so, he believes his words, because there's sincerity in his eyes. ''And my anger towards you was more towards myself, for not being able to understand my own emotions.''
''I see'', Dacre says simply. ''I believe you''.
''Thank you''.
''But I don't forgive you'', he continued. ''There was no reason for you to go to those places to find women to sleep with, and most of all, you treated me like shit, Jiwon, just because I could tell you were into me, doesn't mean I can't feel hurt by your words''.
''Did you, though?''
''What?''
''Feel hurt?''
Jiwon's question makes Dacre hesitate, no, he never took his words seriously nor he ever felt truly hurt by them. Regardless, he doesn't hate himself enough to say that he'll forget everything just because he's confident enough in himself to not be hurt by those stupid remarks.
''Me being hurt or not, doesn't erase your words''.
''You also said hurtful things, Dacre'', Jiwon says, approaching Dacre's bed.
''Not because I'm secretly in love with you Jiwon''.
His words and eyes are clear, they're not equal in this relationship. For sure, Jiwon is one of the few if not the only person Dacre feels sexually attracted to, even so, he doesn't feel love nor believe them to be soulmates. Speculating about what your life would be if you made any choice differently was never in Dacre's book, but if it were, and it was indeed true that he and Jiwon are soulmates - something he doesn't even believe in, but just for imagination sake -, then, it would mean that they were never meant to have a relationship by the gods standards.
As they wouldn't have met in any other circumstance and in any other world.
What led them in each other's path was an anomaly in itself.
Differently from the others that have a lot of reasons to meet besides Prince Nikias interference, Jiwon and Dacre only met due to someone else's choices, someone else's life and someone else's privilege.
Or at least that's how Dacre sees it.
''That's fair, you're angry'', Jiwon says as he caresses Dacre's cheek, moving a few strands of hair away from his eyes. ''But if you saw what I did there wouldn't be a doubt in your mind that we're meant to be''.
''And what did you see?''
Jiwon pauses, he sighs as his hands drop to his side and he seems to think, proceeding to move to his own bed, removing the tiara from his head and starting to undress as well. ''A lot, infinite worlds, infinite possibilities, infinite fragments of our souls''.
''And how do you know that wasn't just a figment of your delirious imagination?'' Dacre asks, looking anywhere but Jiwon, as he isn't ready to see the man naked, not when he's still processing the information thrown at him.
''I saw a world where we were childhood friends, another where we met at a coffee shop, one where we met at an Academy, oh, there was one where we met at a party as well, it was quite different, I never saw clothes like that, you were quite… bold''. Jiwon smiles, he's trying to ease the information, he truly is, sure, before he was quite out of his mind as his brain was bombarded with information about parallel lives, souls and whatnot, but now everything just feels right, his mind is clear and he isn't even sure what he was scared of.
Maybe Cypress was right, and all Jiwon had was survivor's guilt. He could only see snippets of his family through those worlds, as a god of love does also involve familial love, but as it was mostly focused on Dacre he couldn't see much, but it was enough for him to understand. That it isn't his fault. That he couldn't have done anything to save them. And that if given the chance, his parents would make the same choice of sending Jiwon away in a heartbeat.
He would be lying if he said that he found it easy to accept the fact that he and Dacre are soulmates, or that he is, in fact, madly in love with him. Through the first snippets he saw, he found it hard to believe, how could've he and Dacre meet even if his country had never fallen? And why did Dacre have such horrid scars in his body? Then another one came by, they were chatting, laughing as they were watching a street performance, talking about how they've been friends since childhood. And again, another one where he was sitting alone in front of Dacre's grave, crying copiously as he mumbled about losing his chance due to pride.
And then again, and again, and again, every single world, a million possibilities, a thousand what if scenarios and others that were completely different from his real world. Not only that but the emotions his other selves were feeling, the sensation of love, lust, grief, pain, hate, everything was just extremely overwhelming for a while. But then it stopped and all it remained was this reality. His real life, his choices, his Dacre.
''I love you'', he says, staring at the pink haired man. It is a lot to digest, sure, but he'll regret it if he keeps to himself or tries to deny it. A relationship can always change, even when the scale is heavier on one side, it can slowly become equal. And he's willing to wait until Dacre's heart is ready for him.
Dacre finally looks at him, Jiwon isn't naked, he only took off his jacket, deep inside him, Dacre even feels disappointed. Such a feeling makes him want to laugh, why is he disappointed? Does he want to see Jiwon naked? Even when hearing those heavy words didn't even make his heart skip a beat? ''So you do want to sleep with me''.
''If we end up dating, yes, of course'', Jiwon nods.
''Fine,'' Dacre says, laying down on his bed. ''I don't believe in soulmates, I don't believe in parallel lives or even that we could have a healthy relationship. But I am attracted to you, and if dating you will soon make you realize you don't really love me, then sure, let's date''.
''I don't think-''
''However'', Dacre interrupts Jiwon, ''I have a small condition''.
''What is it?''
''No one can know, sure, Nikias is smart, he'll figure it out, Fleuri probably as well, but they will pretend not to because they can't be bothered, but I don't want you telling others, nor want to tell them myself, we will be dating only inside these walls, when we're alone. No hugging, kissing or touching in public, nor saying anything that might be misunderstood.''
''Why?''
''Because I don't want to be seen as an idiot, Jiwon, I don't care when it's for my own survival, but choosing to date someone that treats you like shit isn't exactly commendable''. He says, looking at the man's direction, the truth is, that he's scared, scared of having to explain to others when they break up, because that will happen eventually.
One way or another they'll break up.
What Jiwon feels isn't love, it can't be.
Dacre isn't someone who can be loved like that.
A love for eternity.
He only spoke of the worlds where they were together, but what about the ones they weren't? The ones where they never even crossed paths? If Dacre were to believe his words, there's still a lot that he didn't speak of, and seeing only pieces of a life doesn't exactly bring him such reassurance, how does he know if they never broke up in those worlds? Or if Jiwon went off to date another girl and marry?
Dacre is gay, and he always felt like he was losing because of that. If he dates Jiwon that has options, why would Dacre be his choice? Why would he choose to have to live a hard life?
Sure, being around Nikias and Lyor may make one think that most people are accepting of those who like the same sex, but that isn't the truth. It's not been even 100 years that same-sex marriage was approved, and the idea of same sex couples having children was something implemented in the last 10 years and was highly criticized.
Jiwon doesn't know how much they would suffer if they're together in public.
And Dacre is brave for a lot of things, especially those he knows he'll succeed, dating Jiwon is a mess that will destroy him.
That is the absolute truth.
''Okay'', Jiwon says with a sigh. ''Just to make it clear, this was your choice, I don't mind writing that I am yours in my forehead if needed''.
The pink-haired boy has no choice but to laugh, the sudden change in personality of the man being completely opposite than just a few hours ago.
There isn't much trust going into this relationship.
They're not right for each other.
However, reading the situation, this is the only way to make Jiwon give up, by giving him a taste, so that he soon finds out he hates it or becomes bored of Dacre, and then returns to his life, marry some girl and be happy.
Because the only future for them together is misery.
''Then what are you waiting for? Marital bells? Let's just fuck'', Dacre says, his words are crude, but Jiwon doesn't even flinch.
''Ha, you can be quite mean when you want to'', the man says, getting up from his bed and approaching the other, he leans over Dacre, his dark hair brushing against Dacre's forehead as he comes closer.
He smells like sweat… He thinks, blinking slowly before closing his eyes. This isn't Dacre's first kiss, he had a few with other boys in the slums, not paid, of course, and they weren't all that bad. Dacre never had high libido either way, so when Jiwon's lips touched his, he didn't think for even a second that he could get hard by a kiss.
Damn, how was he wrong.
No wonder he hooked up with so many people, he can't help but think once the kiss deepens, small bites, his warm tongue and a soft breath on his skin, the kiss feels good and soon he's letting off soft moans and he feels his blood rushing to his crotch. Even if Dacre doesn't have much experience in sexual situations that require him being into it as well, Jiwon is a natural, or it would be better to say that he is highly experienced in comparison? His kisses go from his mouth to his neck, sucking in a few parts, then his chest, paying special attention to Dacre's nipples, that honestly just feel slightly ticklish and then his legs, placing what feels like a million kisses along the way.
''Do you like kisses?'' Jiwon asks, touching Dacre's erection through his underwear.
''It surely appears so'', the boy answers, moaning softly as the other takes off his own pants.
''We can't go all the way right away, you need to prep beforehand''.
''Oh, so I'm at the bottom?'' Dacre asks with a soft smirk, not able to hold back his moan when Jiwon pulls his underwear down and touches his dick directly. His hand is hot and sweaty, but it feels good as he moves it slowly.
''If you want I can do it'', Jiwon says as he takes off his own underwear, his dick is clearly rock hard, he's not much bigger than Dacre, however he is quite thick. I want to suck him off, Dacre thinks, but doesn't move, not today. The room is slowly becoming hotter, and the boy is starting to sweat as well, the feeling of their bare skin touching is quite hot and the closed room is starting to smell like sex even if they're not actively doing anything.
''I don't mind'', Dacre says. ''But I don't want to always be in the bottom'', he continues, after all, he is just as prideful as Jiwon, even if he shows it less.
''Sure, whatever you want my love'', Jiwon says, his breath is unstable and he also moans once he places his dick on top of Dacre's and starts moving both together with his hands. The feeling of their sensitive skin touching and the sound leaving their mouths is all he needs, he just wants to feel connected, a proof that they're together now, the feeling of watching someone you love feeling pleasure through your hands is unbeatable. ''I love you so much'', Jiwon mumbles between moans, leaning over Dacre, burying his head on the boy's shoulder as he fastens the pace of his hands.
It feels good, Dacre thinks, he wants to speak as well but he can't stop moaning, he never thought he was sensitive like this, but he feels so good, as if he's floating, the build-up of pleasure on the pits of his stomach, his flushed skin, his rapid and damp breath and the drops of sweat on their bodies, his heart beating so fast he wonders if he might have a heart attack from feeling this much pleasure. He's not even sure if it is because it's Jiwon or if he was always weak to pleasure and just never had the opportunity to taste it. How will it feel when we finally do it? He even wonders.
''I'm gonna cum, my love'', Jiwon whispers in Dacre's ear, biting his lobe, his breath loud, shivers run down Dacre's spine as he feels himself climaxing alongside the other. A feeling of relief mixed with the need of feeling it more.
Crossing the line between them was easy, too easy. Even so, Dacre still feels empty once it's over, even if Jiwon is still laying on top of him, catching his breath, even if their naked skin is still touching. It all feels… useless.
It's all empty pleasure.
In the end, Dacre will be left alone and broken.
So he mustn't allow himself to feel more than just pleasure.
Because he's aware of his position in society and he doesn't want to allow himself to start skydiving into unknown feelings he cannot control.
At least now this is solved, and Jiwon won't trouble Nikias anymore, Dacre thinks, one of his problems is already solved, right now he must then move towards stability and being able to have a life after he's abandoned by those who won't require him anymore.
I truly wish to befriend Nikias, though, I never had friends and I think we might hit it off, he thinks with a sigh, just then noticing that the older man fell asleep on top of him. A soft laugh leaves his lips as he turns to see Jiwon's peaceful sleeping face, he's so attractive when his mouth is shut, he thinks, a smile lingering on his lips. One day you'll find someone better, I just hope you don't break me too much on your way out, he places a soft kiss on Jiwon's cheek, drifting to sleep himself, as he won't be able to push the knight off anyway.