12-3-2025 8:16pm
So I just took a 50 milgram antianxiety/antidepressants meds, I'm gonna use this to talk about how I feel and if I noticed any effects so yeah day 1 is here.
10:49 pm
Not sure if it is working, it has been a couple hours and I still feel pretty anxious about stuff but it is just 50 milgrams and I just started taking them.
12-4-2025. 11:43 am
So it is day 2, I also take sleep pills now forgot to talk about that. So far today I am find I guess, not sure if the pills I took are good or if I'm still tired or such but so far I'm good, having really been in a situation that stresses me out yet to test though but hey we will see.
2:19 pm
My mom and her boyfriend are arguing again though I'm not as stressed about it as usual. They always argue even over stupid stuff like who bought milk, what is there to eat, where the remote is. Everything somehow ends up into an argument and been that way for years, their relationship is toxic and unhealthy thanks to both sides and I don't understand why they don't just break up with each other. Honestly I have been expecting one of them to kill the other.
3:08 pm
So far I been fine but then I started watching a story called 'my brother's wife stole my baby at the hospital while I was unconscious', and now I'm shaking a good bit though it isn't as bad as I thought. My head is mostly clear which is weird since I have been young I constantly had to have thoughts going through my head or else I would start becoming annoyed, angry, and wanting to punch something. So maybe it is working but I'm not sure, usually I need strong medicine to deal with stuff since my immune system is strong so I'm not sure.
11:18 pm
So I finished work awhile ago. I guess my meds are working. My head self weird like it was clear but also not? My thoughts and mind felt like they were trying to scratch at some type of wall so I'm not sure. I suppose 50 milgrams Is good but I honestly think I need stronger ones but who knows.
12-5-2025. 12:14 pm
So it is the third day. I guess I am find, I feel like how I felt yesterday and I'm starting to figure out which is me and which is my depression and anxiety. I also am thinking about going to the gym today but am unsure. I will write what I decided later.
10:01 pm
So it is the end of the day, everything is good I suppose, I think the meds are working but not completely. It feels like my anxiety and depression is stuck behind glass scratching trying to get back to the forefront. And as for the sleep pills I think they work the first day but aren't working anymore, I'm not sure but I know I have taken so many pills during my life that I might have gain some resistance to the weaker stuff but who knows.
12-6-2025. 11:11am
So it is another day, I am kinda running out of things to say, I guess I'm starting to wake up at 11 am recently though I don't know if it is the meds or not but probably.
1:36 pm
So I'm not sure, maybe these anti depressants are working, anti anxiety, whichever these are but I'm not sure. As I said I feel better, but the thoughts feel like they are scratching at a wall trying to get in. Maybe I need stronger stuff or maybe I just need to get used to it, I'm not really sure.
3:13 pm
Weirdly enough I feel stress and anxious about getting a kid's meal at McDonald's, I really want the 70th anniversary toys and like the happy meals so the anxiousness is about what people might think about me getting a Kid's meal(happy meal). I also am sad, I was hoping to go to Disneyland(first time I would ever go to a Disney park) this year during it's 70th anniversary. But it will likely be a few years. I am sad slightly because if I had saved when I first gotten a job then I and others would be able to go. The reason I didn't is because I wasn't use to having so much money so spent it a lot. I also didn't feel like I could ask for us to go, we don't have much money.
3:35 pm
Weird I just felt depressed about working. It felt like the scratching stopped and now a veil is opened slightly. Also I got Beast from Beauty and the beast, a girl with red hair in a superhero pose they do after dropping from a high place wearing a mostly white, and black outfit. And ended up surprisingly the same ones again so I have doubles.
11:16 pm
So I am back from work... I'm not sure, I feel like the antidepressants are already starting to wear off, or better my body is already starting to gain a resistance though I'm not completely sure to be honest but it feels like it, feels like the wall keeping demons and such at bay is becoming thin.
12-7-2025 1:29 pm
So it's another day, my eyes hurt and I have a minor migraine or headache. I think the medicine is working, I have to take them every night, my mind is clear right now but hurts as I just said, I'm not sure if I need stronger meds or not.
3:34 pm
I took some ibuprofen(painkillers) the headache is still there but it is being held back, I feel dizzy? I don't know if it is because of the medicine or if I'm just hungry.
7:04 pm
I took my medicine an hour or two ago and starting to become really sleeping. I showed my mom this stuff and she says my antidepressants full effects don't usually work untill a month but I'm not sure. My sleep pills I'm so confused, sometimes it feels like they work and sometimes it doesn't, they are supposed to work naturally instead of forcing your body into sleep so maybe that is the reason.
7:23 pm
I have started playing Tales of Vesperia again since a few hours ago, it is an amazing game and I absolutely love it and it's story, if I could I would love to be reborn as Yuri.
10:31 pm
I feel extra full from pizza I ate and feel extra depressed all of a sudden. I am 280 something pounds, used to be closer to 200. I started eating a lot unknowingly because it made me feel happy. Now I have a hard time stopping especially since I work at a fast food place and I do go to the gym but now that it is winter I don't feel as wanting to go outside as much.
12-8-2025 12:40.am
So I am slightly depressed, my black work pants pocket is ripping out and I just realized in four years I have had to replace my work pants a lot at least I think I have. I also noticed that I have started to use this to put my thoughts into words and such instead of just using it to talk about how my meds and such been doing and how they been affecting me.
3:15 am
So I don't know why but I'm constantly thirsty, even when I'm hungry the thing I immediately think about is water, I don't even like eating all that much which would surprise people who sees me but I prefer drinking, juice, pop, water(no alcohol, I have never touched a sip in my life), and I'm just constantly wanting to drink.
11:23
I just remembered about the club I tried to start after a teacher suggested I try. It was gonna be a gaming club where we would have board games and card games and such to play and anyone who beats the club leader in the game becomes the new club leader, it didn't last long sadly, we had nothing prepared but the teacher said it was good to try anyways.
12:44 pm
I always hated having to change clothes in front of the other guys for gym class and tried to stay in a quiet part of the gym and only changed my pants. I also found it uncomfortable and such to change and such in front of people even those of the same gender. I also hate when doctors need to check your penis so I always refused it even if I could get cancer. Honestly I always hoped one day I would get cancer so I don't have to do something myself to die(which I don't plan on doing, as long as the medicine and therapy works). Strangely when I had a breakdown awhile ago watching Imaginary friends Institute season 1 played by Super horrorbro, and putting video game discs away in a disc case thing kept me slightly calm which I'm not sure about. I'm also thinking of stopping the trying to find a new job with the disability people as I'm afraid if I try to change my routine and job while starting antidepressants/antianxiety meds and counciling it can do a lot of harm but also there is still fear of change that I have.
2:40 pm
So I feel slightly more depressed and anxious right now, I think it has to do with the medicine, I read that it usually gets worse before it gets better but I thought it just meant the beginning day you take it but I'm, not sure. My head has also started feeling lighter now and I have a minor headache or migraine.
12-9-2025 11:15 am
So nothing new today, I wasn't gonna write anything but I thought they might as well keep putting chapters in for new days and all that. Well I guess I might as well says that besides barely anything, I can't truly remember 9th and 10th grade, it's like my mind blocked those years out and I read online that happens during times when you feel extream stress so maybe that was it.
11:23 pm
Umm I don't know if it has to do with the medicine but I have had moments where I felt light headed or nauseous or tired.
12-10-2025 10:23 am
It is another day, I have been able to wake up before 12pm takes to the medicine but it is still hard to fall asleep before 12am.
11:10 am
So I am bad right now I guess. I know that I read that when you take antidepressants you get worse before you get better. Honestly I wish I said something when I was in highschool but I knew I would refuse and need someone to make me do it instead of letting me choose, at least until a panic attack happens.
11:29 am
My chest feels light, like when I had panic attacks and close to breakdown though I'm not sure, it also feels like something is trying to hold it back but barely.
3:36 pm
I feel slightly depressed like the medicine can't push back but I know it is and can and will take a few weeks to start fully working but I'm also not sure and wonder if I need stronger medicine.
I also constantly feel like people are reacting or talking about me even when they aren't which I think I wrote before but I'm not sure.
12-11-2025 10:50 am
So another day, there isn't anything really new with meds, their affects have gone down I guess but like I said it usually takes a couple weeks for the medicine to take full effect so who knows. I umm really can't wait for imaginary friends Institution chapter 2.
12:03 pm
I am annoyed, I have to work four days in a row this week (already worked Wednesday) and I also work next Sunday and next Monday so that is 6 days in a row without a break also Fridays I'm scheduled even though I put in the system I don't want to work Fridays so I'm even more mad.
1:09pm
I feel slightly dizzy and such right now so I'm not sure what that is. I haven't done anything that could cause the dizziness, just been laying here.
3:22 pm
I don't know if I wrote this but I really like Imaginary Friends Insistute, it helped me when I was in a dark time/moment which is surprising because what it is about, I first learned about it by watching SuperHorrorBro.
12-12-2025 12:23 pm
So a new day, my mind is the same it has been for awhile, I feel light in the chest but beyond that I'm good, we are supposed to go back to see the doctor to see if I need stronger meds soon. And I'm supposed to get counciling soon too.
1:52 pm
So I feel slightly anxious and such more lately, and stressed about things like my mind is more affected, I am unsure if it is my meds starting to rewrite whatever like becoming weaker before becoming stronger but it is strange? Weird, I don't know. I'm also stress my mom is always sitting in her bed instead of finding a job, she has a summer job but that is it and not only does that mean me and Michael are really the only ones paying the bills but she isn't contributing to the Disneyland Fund.
10:23 pm
So umm I am thinking of calling off the disability help getting a new job thing not only because the guy scared me by saying I can't find a job that pays the same or more which I kinda expected but it still hurts, but also I don't want my environment and such that I know and am comfortable with to change when I'm just starting on antidepressants and am gonna start counseling soon. Though I'm also scared and want a reason to stop it as not only has this been taking so long and such but I'm also afraid I will fail whatever job I find, and making new friends and such especially when I made my work friends by accident and likely won't keep in contact once I leave. My medicine also I think effects I need stronger as my mind though isn't wondering with thoughts as bad is still almost like they were just less but not by much.
11:05 pm
I tried but I don't know how to stop my Data from turning on randomly. I keep having to turn it off but it just turns back on after awhile and it's been like this for a day or two.
12-13-2025 10:54 am
So another day, my dreams have been easier? Better? I don't know, I have also started waking up before 11 am so that is good I suppose, since I was never a morning person waking up before 10 would be annoying.
11:28 pm
I am playing Disneyland Kinect and I'm really happy at the area and the thought of saving enough money to see Toontown and I told my mom to look at the screen and such because I was excited to show her it but she acted annoyed and such which really ruined my mood.
2:18 pm
I don't know why but for a few hours now my legs have been full of energy and I been anxious and wanting to run around and get rid of the energy.
2:37 pm
I also really want Mom to get a job and work not only to make sure we have money but to know she can save for Disneyland.
3:47 pm
I just randomly felt depressed. Though maybe it wasn't random as I was looking at a snow filled sky(which looks nice) but it is darker thanks to it and I am listening to a story where a guy's family got him kicked out of college thanks to false rumors given by his parents and sister because she didn't get into her college so It was likely what made the depression hit. I am also drinking hot cocoa from McDonald's and was thinking I should tell mom but how we have tons of hot coco packets so I really shouldn't in case Mom wants to waste money getting some hot coco here when we have more than enough at home.
12-14-2025 11:21 am
So I woke up at 7 something am today but I was still so tired and such so I went back to sleep but I kept having unique and interesting dreams so I didn't fully stay up until now
12-15-2025 11:08am
So another day, I told my brother if I work up early than we would watch our show before I leave for work but I'm not really in the mood right now.
1:39 pm
So my legs and such have more energy I wonder if that means that thanks to the sleep pills and me waking up more in the morning I have more energy which is likely and/or it is because of the Antidepressants but I still think I need stronger pills.
12-16-2025 6:15 pm
So I went to the gym, it has been awhile so I went easy but wow I was able to do so much more than I used to and if it didn't get dark I was thinking of doing more. I needed to get groceries (well if snacks and pizza things are considered groceries). I never realized but I think me being able to sleep and wake up at good times have really helped which I feel should of been obvious, I still feel like people are always talking about me and feel slightly depressed so I still think I need stronger antidepressants but the sleep meds are good.
12-17-2025 10:08 am
So morning I guess, I kept waking up last night. Also my chargers don't work except one that barely works so I'm gonna need to buy new phone chargers.
2:25 pm
So I gave a guy some money on my way to the gym. I don't know if he needed it or not but when someone asks I feel an urge to help and give it so maybe I was raised somewhat right. I only had 2 dollars on me though so I felt bad about only being able to give him two dollars but I hope he finds other people to give him money to add onto those 2 dollars I gave him.
12-18-2025 10:55 am
So another day, today I will give my friend Kat her gift and later will give my friend Matt his gift. There were two others, Jail Bait and Nate that I wanted to give gifts too but I don't know what they like and I'm also tight on money so I didn't get them gifts, I feel slightly bad about it.
3:21 pm
So I am depressed, the snowing and such made me keep my mind off things, well helped me and I noticed that without it the meds are less effective than I thought and I definitely need stronger antidepressants. I also realized or at least admit now that the reason I hate kids besides the fact they annoy me is because I'm afraid if I look at a kid for 'too long' that people might think that ugly fat guy might have some ideas which really harms my mental help. I also keep thinking people are talking about me and my thoughts are running again so yeah definitely need to talk about this with a councilor but also admit the meds helped keep these thoughts at bay at the beginning but it's effects are less. I also admit I still have somewhat of an urge to get a new job now that winter is ending or at least it feels like it. The reason is because I feel for whatever reason McDonald's is a good job to have during fall and winter but not spring and summer. But I also been told we are all being pointed to see which of us should get raises which surprise me since I find it unlikely we would but I'm also hopeful. I'm deciding though even before this to end the trying to find a new job for now because I'm afraid of doing this while I'm getting on antidepressants and counciling. I also believe I'm gonna die for in a few years so might as well continue to work. I'm also afraid with my mind not calm as much and such that I will spend more again.
3:29 pm
I'm also constantly trying to escape life into stories and try to do so for as long as I can even when I know I should get ready for work and leave.
3:36 pm
There are kids to my left a bit awhile who got so loud and such that I had to urge to break their arms, I need I am getting overwhelmed? I do have autism so I guess that makes sense.
3:53 pm
So I am stressed about my mom not working, not only because it means that we are less stable and less likely to pay bills and get groceries but also because that means there is less people to save up for money. And I have been stressed for years as thanks to my Mom and the guy she is dating having a toxic and unhealthy relationship (caused by both sides), we have never had a stable household in years and I actually am less stressed when neither is around and hope that it will be a day or more before I see them.
12-19-2025 10:50 am
So another day, the other day I became stressed and depressed for awhile until work distracted me. Like I been saying, I definitely need to get stronger meds but I don't see my doctor till the 22nd.
12-20-2025 11:18 am
It's another day, I said I would make my buck eyes flatcakes which I real. I just didn't think I would be working five days in a row. Also my brother kept asking me what I wanted, he wl only spend at most $50 dollars. At first it was the Simpsons game, but too much, so he tried thinking of Far Cry 6 which was less than 10 dollars but I don't like far cry 6. Then I said Disney Infinity but he looked up Xbox one, and it would cost over 100 so then I was like Lego dimensions but again over 100. Then I realized he only looked at the ones for Xbox 1 so I sent him a link to a PS3 Lego dimensions that only cost 30 something dollars.