"In me, you lived - and, in my death - see by this face, which is your own, how wholly, how completely, you have killed - yourself!"-Edgar Allen Poe-William Wilson
Harry sat there on his bed, staring straight ahead, absolutely numb.
' Shouldn't I feel something? He-he loved me, and I just-I just killed him. Just like that'
Beside him, Bella sat, looking just as shocked. After a few seconds though, she started laughing, more hysterically even than she had up until then.
"Oh, well done! Well done!"
She bounded off the bed, and he winced as she strode towards Sirius' body and began kicking it, punctuating each kick with a squealed insult.
"Worthless! Blood-traitor! Embarrassment to our family! You-"
"Bella! Shut the fuck up! I need to think!"
She looked back at him, her leg half raised. He stood up and started pacing, running his hands through his hair.
"Well," she said petulantly, "What do you need to think about?"
A dull thump informed Harry that she had kicked Sirius again. Something started to ache at the base of his skull.
"What the fuck do you think?" He snarled, "I need to figure out what to tell the Order! How to explain this!"
His hands waved towards his godfather's body.
"It's simple," she said, looking at him like he was an absolute idiot. "Just leave. Come with me to the Dark Lord"
' It could work. I can't just get rid of the body, it's not like with the elf. I could just..run away. Escape this'
' But the Cabinet. My spying. I can't just-just leave it all. I don't want to just leave Hogwarts. Not yet. No, there has to be a way'
An idea occurred to him.
"No"
"What do you mean, no? You can't just be sitting here when the werewolf comes, he'll-"
"I know. That's why we're gonna make it look like you attacked us"
She cackled. "As if I would attack and leave you unharmed. If we were really enemies, I would-"
"I'm aware," he said grimly. "We're gonna need to make it look realistic. Totally realistic"
She stopped laughing, the sound cutting off abruptly as if from a faucet that had been turned off.
"And why did I leave you alive?"
"Because I fought you. And the Dark Lord told you that he wanted to kill me himself. They'll believe that I promise you. But we're gonna-"
"It won't be something that you could just fake" she interrupted, her eyes not moving from him. "They'll test for the Cruciatus. They'd never believe that I had you under my power and didn't cast it. Not for a second"
"No. They wouldn't". The words fell with grim finality.
She drew her wand, pointing it at Harry with a small smile playing at her lips.
"No-one's ever asked me to Crucio them before. Not when I hadn't had the chance to play with them first"
"What can I say?" Bitterness dripped off his words. "I'm unique"
A mad light danced in her eyes as she raised her wand. "That you are"
"Wait!"
Disappointment flashed across her face.
"We need to-we need to make it look realistic. Like-like there was a fight. Spell marks on the walls. And-and I should ask-I should ask the Dark Lord before we do this"
"I'll set the scene while you contact him. What should I do with dear Sirius?"
He felt a lump in his throat as he looked at the body.
' I can't do this. Not now'
He banished the thought and spoke with a thick voice.
"Leave him. It looks like you surprised him. That's good"
He grabbed the mirror, and as he started calling the Dark Lord, he heard Bella merrily shout off a blasting hex.
Instantly, the Dark Lord appeared in the mirror.
" $What is the problem? Bellatrix has not returned. What happened?$"
Harry swallowed, his eyes flickering to Sirius' body and back. He squeezed them tightly shut for a moment before he began to speak.
He quickly explained what had happened, and outlined his plan.
In the background, Bella laughed as something broke loudly.
" $You do not have to do this$" the Dark Lord finally said. "$There can be no doubt about your dedication, but this is not necessary. It would help our cause if you are still believed to be on their side, but that could still be arranged$"
In his mind's eye, he saw Sirius' last expression again.
He winced.
" $This will work, my lord. And it will make them more likely to trust me, they will think I desire revenge. They won't suspect me, I'm sure of it$"
"$No. If done correctly, they won't. But it cannot be feigned. This will have to actually happen$"
His eyes flicked to Sirius' corpse again.
' And it's nothing less than I deserve'
" $I know$"
The Dark Lord nodded, eyes gleaming.
"$So you do. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty. You took the appropriate action. Had you given him a moment to recover his senses, he would surely have attempted to kill you$"
Harry tried to answer, to agree, but the words caught in his throat.
" $You still remember how to clear your wand? They will surely cast a Priori Incatatem$"
" $I do$"
" $Good. Replace it with spells you would have used, were you truly attacked. They will either take you to St. Mungo's or to the Hogwarts Hospital Wing. Healer Deschain or Severus will keep me informed. If they seem to distrust you, I will kill everyone there as I remove you from their custody$"
Harry nodded.
" $Give the mirror to Bella. When I am done speaking with her, hide it in your trunk. Focus on clearing your wand and making it look as if you were simply relaxing when you were attacked. Leave a book or two open on your bed$"
" $I will$"
" $Good. Harry. I have faith in you$"
He walked out of the room and handed Bella the mirror.
He tried to avoid looking at Sirius when he re-entered, but his eyes were drawn to the corpse.
' I deserve what's coming. If anyone ever did, I do. He loved me, and just wanted to help me, and I-'
He shook his head, allowing numbness to settle upon him again.
He began to clear his wand, filling the memory up with Disarmers, Stunners, Blasting Hexes, Shields, and a Praefoco.
' They'll believe that all right'
After setting up his room in the quay the Dark Lord had suggested, he sat and waited for Bella to come back in, his heart pounding.
She was clearly finished talking to the Dark Lord, as he could again hear her mad laughter echoing against the backdrop of small explosions.
As he waited, his eyes again fell on Sirius.
' This is all your fault' he thought savagely. ' You weren't meant to be here. Why did you come home early? Why?'
Without making a conscious decision, he found himself standing next to Sirius.
"You weren't meant to be here!" He hissed.
"Why?!"
He kicked Sirius.
"Why the fuck did you come home early?! Look at what you've done! THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT! WHY!DID! YOU! COME! BACK! EARLY!"
He punctuated each shouted word with a kick, turning Sirius over onto his back.
His eyes were open, staring sightlessly in blank accusation.
The muscles in his face had started to relax, making him look like he could be sleeping. If the open eyes could be ignored.
"Why?" Harry whispered. "This isn't my fault. I had to do it. You made me do it. Fuck you!"
"It's therapeutic, isn't it?"
He jumped up at Bella's sudden words.
"Huh?"
"Kicking the dog. It's therapeutic, isn't it?"
She was looking at him expectantly, her head cocked to the side.
' Doesn't that hurt her neck? Fuck, it's annoying, makes me feel like I'm sideways, and-'
"Isn't it?" She repeated.
He let out a ragged laugh.
"Let's do this. Give me the mirror"
He quickly stowed it in his trunk and turned to face her raised wand.
"Wait. They're gonna see marks all over the walls outside. They should find me out there"
"Clever boy" she whispered.
He shivered. Adrenalin started pounding through him as he walked out of his room and into the corridor.
Bella had really gone to work on it. There wasn't more than a meter stretch of unmarked wall. Burns and dents dotted it all. He walked down the corridor until he was near the top of the staircase.
"Ok," he said, turning to face her. "Let's get this over with"
She cackled as she raised her wand.
"After this, I'm going to owe you a Christmas present. Crucio!"
Every inch of skin, every nerve screamed in sudden agony. His eyeballs were going to explode, his head was going to burst. White-hot pain blinded him, and he could hear nothing but his own tortured screams. All thought ceased, and there was nothing but the most extreme pain he had ever experienced, covering his entire body.
As soon as it had begun, it was over.
He lay on the floor, twitching and shaking as breath slowly returned.
' I deserve this'
"Are you alright, ickle Harry?"
"Peachy" he muttered, holding back bile.
"Lovely. You know, I can see why He trusts you so much"
Her next incantation was lost in her giggles.
His left arm began bending, pressure building on it as it twisted in the wrong direction.
And with a snap, it broke.
He had a moment before the pain burst into his mind. When it did, he screamed, and rolled onto his back, clutching at his arm.
"Still good to go?" She asked happily.
' LET IT STOP! STOP IT!'
' I deserve this'
He gritted his teeth together, grinding them tight.
"Just fucking do it"
Something flashed across his face, hot and sharp. Warm blood started spurting out and covering his face, starting from just an inch or two away from his right eye.
"My fucking face!"
"Your eyes are fine, aren't they? Besides, the scar will be sexy. Stop whining"
"Just fucking carry on!"
The pain from his arm felt like it was building. He still hadn't stopped twitching after the Cruciatus. And now his face felt like it was on fire.
Something bludgeoned its way into his chest, knocking the wind out of him and hurting far worse then a hit from a bludger did.
It took almost a minute before he could breathe properly again, and when he inhaled, a sharp stabbing pain accompanied it.
"No. No more" he said weakly, trying to back away. When he did so, he knocked his left elbow on the floor.
Stars appeared, flashing in front of his eyes as he bit through his tongue.
"Almost done, harrykins. Shhh, it'll be over soon"
' I deserve this'
A long gash opened across his chest. Not as deep as the one on his face, it still stung. And it made his breathing harder, more shallow.
"Bella. I-enough. Please, enough"
Through the film of blood coating his eyes, he saw her pout.
"Now you just sound like everyone else. But we're almost done. Oh! I almost forget!"
She dropped a large, jet-black stone on the floor.
"You saw me drop this while we were fighting, ok?"
Head spinning, he managed to answer. "Sure"
"Crucio!"
An eternity of torment passed, and the pain receded.
Harry found himself lying on his stomach, his broken arm crushed between his body and the floor.
He screamed until he was sure his throat would burst.
"Shh. Almost done. Just two more things"
"Please" he whimpered. "Please, Bellatrix. I need-I need the hospital. I-I don't want to die-"
"Silly Harry," she said gently, "you will go to the hospital. The wolf will take you. And you won't die"
"I-I feel-"
"I'm an expert. You'll survive at least for a day or two without medical attention. And if no one's heard anything by midnight, Daphne will get in touch with Dumbledore, say she can't reach you and she's worried"
"Pl-plea"
"Hush"
Hundreds of little cuts appeared, covering his legs.
Something tore in his throat, and he coughed up blood with his screams.
"Just one more thing"
Something seemed to smash him over the back of the head.
Everything started spinning, and the room slowly began getting darker and darker.
"Sleep now, ickle Harry. You'll be fine. I promise"
He heard a giggle as his eyes closed and darkness filled the world.
"Even if you won't fuck me, you still make me feel so good. Sleep now"
Warm lips pressed against his own, as unconsciousness claimed him.
The first thing he noticed, was that Sirius stood in front of him.
Alive and whole, his hands in his pockets, Sirius stood there.
His mouth fell open at the sight, and it was then that he realized that he didn't feel any pain.
No screaming agony from his arm, no dull ache in his chest, no harsh pain coming from his face.
He looked around, noting with interest that he seemed to be in the Wizengamot's courtroom.
"Am I dead?"
Sirius ignored his words and just kept staring straight into his face.
"Why am I here? Where is this?"
No response.
"Answer me!" He shouted, his voice echoing around the chambers.
"You know. I escaped Azkaban for you" Sirius finally said, staring straight into Harry's eyes.
"This is a dream"
"I found out Peter was alive and knew I'd be able to prove that I was innocent. So I escaped, to take care of you"
"This isn't real. You're dead!"
Sirius just ignored him.
"And you weren't what I was expecting, but I still loved you. Hell, I would have done anything for you"
"Leave me alone. I had to kill you, otherwise-"
"And you killed me. How could you do that?"
"I HAD TO!"
"I couldn't believe it when I saw you and Bellatrix. And then you cast that spell. You know why I didn't try to save myself?"
"I DONT CARE! I'M HAPPY THAT YOU'RE DEAD!"
Sirius didn't respond to that. He just carried on with what he had been saying.
"Because I preferred to die, rather than live in a world where you were a traitor"
"I KILLED YOU! I KICKED YOUR LIFELESS FUCKING CORPSE, AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!"
"I loved you. I treated you the best I could"
The world started growing dark around them. Harry looked around in fear, but Sirius didn't even seem to notice.
"And that's how you repay me?"
Everything went black.
Someone was shouting his name. He opened his eyes but still couldn't see who it was.
"HARRY!"
Sluggish thoughts ran through his brain.
' It's Lupin. Start convincing him now'
"Sirius?" He asked weakly.
He felt himself being lifted in strong arms. They started moving forward.
"Where's Sirius?" He slurred.
"Harry, just hold on! We're going to the hospital. Just hold on"
Lupin's voice hitched.
"Bellatrix Lestrange" he managed to get out. "She-she was here"
The walking movement stopped. Lupin stood still for a moment, seeming to sag forward.
"Just hold on, Harry. We'll be at St. Mungo's in a minute. Hold on"
They disappeared in a swirl, and once more, everything went black.
"How could you do it?" Sirius asked.
"It was you or me"
"I just don't understand. Peter-Peter was always a coward. But you? How could you give in to him? He killed your parents!"
"And he's done nothing but help me!"
"And how could you kill me? I thought we were friends. I thought- I thought you liked me. Wasn't I good to you? Did I do something wrong?"
"You picked the wrong side" Harry whispered.
When he woke up, everything around him was white.
He was lying on his back in something soft, and his neck seemed to be held in place by something.
' Definitely St. Mungos'
He ran through a mental checklist of his injuries.
His arm seemed to be fine, although all his muscles felt stiff.
His face. There was a line of something sticky down his face.
' Probably some gross ointment for that cut'
His chest felt fine, and so did his legs.
His head hurt slightly, but not too bad. That could also just be from looking around the room without his glasses on.
' Where are they? I hope someone's got my stuff. My wand. But all in all, I'm ok. Interesting'
' That was easy. I'd have expected it to take a lot longer than that'
He coughed. Less than a second later, a blurry figure blocked his sight.
"Here, Mr. Potter. Drink slowly"
A glass was pressed against his lips. He gulped the water down, letting it ease through his parched throat.
He coughed again.
"Small sips, Mr. Potter. One sec, and we'll have your glasses. Can you hold the glass?"
"I-" he coughed. "I think so"
"Try"
He lifted his hands, feeling weak, and gripped it, feeling as the other man let go.
"Excellent. Just a second"
The man walked off, returning a few seconds later and sliding Harry's glasses onto his noses.
He blinked a few times, and the room settled into focus.
"Can you see alright, Mr. Potter?"
Harry focused on the man in front of him.
He was dressed in a set of Healer's robes, with a brass name tag announcing him as Healer Daniels.
"Yeah"
"Excellent. I just want to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. Just to check that you're not suffering memory loss or the like if that's ok?"
"Uh, yeah"
"Ok. What's your full name?"
"Harry James Potter"
Daniels marked something off on his clipboard.
"Are you in school?"
"Yeah. Hogwarts, in my fifth year. I'm in Slytherin"
"What subjects do you take?"
"Uh. Defense, History, Theory, Runes, Arithmancy-"
"Perfect. Do you know how you got here?"
"I-kind of? I'm in St. Mungo's, right?"
At Daniels' nod, Harry carried on, trying to make himself seem agitated.
"Uh. Someone picked me up. I remember-we were attacked"
"We?"
"My godfather. Sirius-"
He broke off, not needing to fake his tears.
Healer Daniels nodded in kind understanding, before gently asking: "how much of the attack do you remember?"
"I-all of it. Bellatrix Lestrange. She-she just appeared. And-and Sirius, He was talking to me, and she-she-"
He buried his face in his hands.
' He's buying it. Good. It's all fucking Bella's fault anyway'
"I'm so, so sorry, Mr. Potter. I know this must be difficult for you. You don't need to go through all the details with me now if you wish. I just need to make sure that your head is ok. You got hit with some form of concussion spell, and we aren't certain exactly which one, or what effects it could have"
"I-I remember fighting her. And she-she hit me with a lot of stuff, but she ran. And then everything went black, and someone picked me up. And then I woke up"
Healer Daniels made another mark on his clipboard, before smiling reassuringly at Harry.
"Well, your memory seems to be fine. We're going to keep you under observation for today and tomorrow, and then you'll be released"
"What-what day is it? How long was I out?"
"Today is Sunday, the third of February. You've been unconscious for approximately five weeks"
' What. The. Fuck'
Noticing Harry's look of dismay, the healer quickly explained. "Due to the unknown nature of your head injury, we wanted to as careful as we possibly could. There are certain Dark curses that will only truly activate once the patient is conscious. Until that's point, they remain dormant, waiting to strike. As you can imagine, we wanted to avoid such a situation"
"Five weeks? Hogwarts started again? It's been five weeks?"
"Yes. Headmaster Dumbledore should be arriving within the hour to speak to you. Do you have any questions?"
' Does he suspect me?'
"What-what happened to me? I mean, what injuries did I have? I feel fine now, but I remember being in pain everywhere"
"Your left arm was broken in two places. You had three broken ribs and a large cut across your chest. Your legs were covered in nearly hundreds of small cuts and bruises. You showed signs of having been placed under the Cruciatus, as well as the concussion curse we discussed"
"And-my face?"
For the first time, the healer showed signs of discomfort.
"You-have a scar. The cut was easy enough to deal with, but curses often-"
"Can I see? Do you have a mirror?"
Wordlessly, a mirror was conjured. Just before he raised it up, Daniels spoke. "Don't be alarmed. The discoloration is from an ointment we put on it. When you shower today, it'll come off"
And the mirror was raised.
Harry flinched. A long, jagged scar ran across most of his face, moving down in a vertical line from a point an inch to the right of his eye. It ran down to just below his mouth, and it curved across his face there, coming to an end by his left cheekbone.
' I deserve this'
"There are incredible cosmetics available. Nothing will be able to totally get rid of it, but-"
"Thank you," He said coldly. "Could I have some privacy, please?"
"Mr. Potter, I-"
"Please?"
Healer Daniels relented. "Your headmaster should be here soon," he said, before walking out of the room. "If you need anything before then, anything at all. Just let me know"
Harry ignored him.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Harry threw the mirror at the wall as hard as he could.
' Fuck you, Sirius! This is all your fault!'
When Dumbledore came in, he found Harry sitting morosely on his hospital bed, staring into the mirror.
He'd found his wand on the bedside table, and after a bit, had repaired and summoned the mirror to himself.
Of course, he'd broken it again, cursing Sirius' name with tears in his eyes.
He'd fixed it again after that.
"Harry," Dumbledore said, walking into the room, "I'm glad to see you awake"
Harry grunted.
' If he suspects me, I'm fucked. I can't deal with that type of shit now. Won't be able to'
Dumbledore conjured himself an armchair next to the bed and sat down.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, quietly.
Harry laughed. "Pretty shit, to be honest"
"I cannot pretend to profess surprise. Harry, what you have been through…" Dumbledore clicked his tongue sadly, shaking his head slowly from side to side. "Most adults have not experienced half as much difficulty in their lives as you have. And that is why you are stronger than them?"
"Am I?"
' I was definitely stronger than Sirius'
Tears filled his eyes. He didn't rub them away.
"Indeed you are. You have not let the challenges that you experienced cripple you. Many others in your position would have"
Dumbledore reached out and gripped Harry's hand.
"I could offer you hundreds of empty, meaningless platitudes, about how Sirius is in a better place now, about how the dead are not gone. But that is not what you want to hear, is it?"
Harry shook his head, keeping his eyes locked on Dumbledore's.
"What I will tell you, Harry is that Sirius loved you, very, very much. That he loved you so much, he gathered the energy to escape Azkaban, all in order to take custody of you. That he wrote me regularly, asking for advice about how he could build a stronger relationship with you, how he could help you, what I felt you were missing that he could give. He lived for you, Harry"
Dumbledore's words were like someone was stabbing Harry repeatedly.
"And when Bellatrix came, she took him by surprise. That much was clear from the scene itself. And at some point, I will ask you to recount what occurred there, but not right now. Now is not the time. But Sirius' death, by all appearances, gave you the chance to gather your energy and to fight. He died for you. And the Sirius I knew, would have been glad to do so"
' He did die for me. But not in the way that you think'
Dumbledore continued "Remember Sirius," He said, "And remember the love you shared. That is why we fight"
Harry swallowed down the lump in his throat. "Thank you, sir"
"Will you be up to returning to Hogwarts upon your release?"
"I-I think so. I can't just-just give up on my life. Sirius-he wouldn't want that"
Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "No. He wouldn't"
"But what-what happens to me now? Where do I live, in the summer?"
"I believe, that your best option will be to apply for emancipation. The Wizengamot will grant it, this I guarantee. And in the summer, Hogwarts will be open to you"
"I-Yeah. Sounds-sounds good"
"Harry. I know you have been through an extremely traumatic experience. I would like you to speak to Healer Deschain again. At least while you are still in St. Mungos"
Harry nodded.
"Excellent. As I said, at some point, I would like you to tell me more details about what happened. But for now, rest. I will take you back to Hogwarts, once you are released. And do not fear for your safety here. Your room is guarded at all times"
Dumbledore rose as if to leave.
"Sir? Sirius-was he buried?"
Dumbledore nodded gravely, a shadow catching his face.
"Next to your parents, in fact"
"Could you take me? Before-before going back to Hogwarts?"
"Certainly. But do not focus on that right now. Focus on finishing your healing, on restoring your mind and body to their best state"
Dumbledore strode out of the room, the door closing behind him.
' Restore my mind' Harry thought, looking at his face in the mirror. ' Maybe once I kill you, my mind will be at peace'
He began to laugh.
Were someone in the room, they might have commented on the similarity between that laugh and the mad cackle of Bellatrix Lestrange