@LunaBliss
I just opened Twitter, and my entire life ended. Troy Armitage on one knee???? Scarlett with tears in her eyes????? Someone tell me this is a joke ššš. I liked Troy and Scarlett as a couple, but isn't this too early for them?
@NovaKnight
He dropped the first-ever Twitter image, and it's a proposal. This man doesn't do anything small. History was made today, and Troy made sure people will remember this proposal for eternity. And yeah, I think he's gonna regret that decision if he were to ever end his relationship with Scarlett, but I'm happy for those two.
@SereneDreamer
she said yes
She Said Yes.
SHE FUCKING SAID YES.
I AM SHAKING. TROY & SCARLETT ARE PRACTICALLY STRANGERS TO ME, YET I'M EMOTIONAL.
@FireStarter12
RT @Troy She said yes!
When will I get a man like that? Troy is rich, handsome, cool, understanding, and oh so sweet. Scarlett just hit the jackpot of her lifetime. Lucky bitch!
@PatAttack
Just last week I was talking to my friend about how Twitter should allow photos. And then this week, Troy broke the internet (and especially Twitter) with his proposal photo. What a flex. What a KING. He is my king of entertainment! And now we have a queen as well!
@Trucy123
I refreshed my Twitter, and now Troy Armitage is ENGAGED??? Is this what a heart attack feels like??? I'm not saying Scarlett is a gold-digger, but Troy should definitely get a prenup.
@TinFoilHatExpert
I don't think there is any reality where someone as smart and financially sound as Troy would marry anyone without a prenup.
@StarlitEcho
I don't even care about celebrity stuff usually, but Troy + Scarlett just feelsā¦ right. Like the universe aligned for five seconds. I still remember seeing them together in Disturbia, one of my all-time favorite movies. I hope they make more movies together.
@PhoenixRises
He really said, "Let me rewrite Twitter history AND my love life in one post." I bow to the royalty.
@BrokenHalo88
Me: logs on to check updates
Twitter: TROY ARMITAGE IS ENGAGED
Me: lies down on the floor, dead. (This is my ghost typing)
@VelvetStatic
Scarlett Johansson said YES to Troy Armitage, and suddenly, all romantic standards are impossible. People like these are the reason why there are so few marriages in the world today. Every girl needs a Troy, without realizing that they are not Scarlett.
@TroyStanForever
THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT. NOT. A. DRILL.
Troy proposed to Scarlett, and I lost the will to live. WHY Troy!!!?? Where did I wrong you so much that you ignored my love and devotion in favor of her?Ā
@NovaKnight
Also can we talk about how he looks on one knee?? It's so picturesque, as if it's a movie still. Do you think this moment was staged?
@SereneDreamer
While I love Troy, I'm 90% sure that it was staged. The photo is too perfect for it to be candid.
@MidnightVerse
Twitter was not emotionally prepared for images yet. Especially not this image. My 85YO grandma is asking me what's wrong. I just can't stop screaming.
@TinFoilHatExpert
Wait, he owns Twitter. Does this mean he kept images just for this moment? That's selfish of Troy. And I love it. I would have done the same if I were in his spot.
@FireStarter12
Scarlett Johansson really woke up one day and decided to live inside a fairytale. I would give anything to switch lives with her for just one day, if that one day is spent in Troy's arms.
@LunaBliss
I keep staring at the photo like maybe it'll change. It hasn't. She still said yes. š
@SereneDreamer
Congrats Troy. Congrats Scarlett.
Also RIP to the emotional stability of the internet. Is it just me, or is your Twitter opening slow as well?
(Break)
January 2010, Broadway Theater, Manhattan, NYC
Austin was practically bouncing in his seat, his knee jittering nonstop as he scanned the auditorium like a kid waiting for fireworks.
"Will you calm down already?" Martha hissed, nudging him with her elbow. "People are going to think you've lost your mind."
"Maybe I have," Austin said flippantly, not even trying to sit still. "Just like most of the world. Look around. We're not the only ones who saw Troy's post. People are dying to see him. Did you see the paparazzi and reporters lined up outside? I'd bet there's a similar crowd camped outside the Cort Theatre, where Scarlett's doing her play. This is probably the biggest celeb news of the year, and 2010's barely started. And that's coming from someone who doesn't even follow celeb news."
Martha couldn't argue with that. Troy and Scarlett's engagement was massive news, and the chaos outside the theater only reinforced it. An exclusive photo, or even a single comment from Troy or Scarlett, would dominate tabloids and online magazines for weeks. She knew that well from her time working as an assistant to a journalist at The New York Times.
"What amazes me is how positive the reception's been so far," Martha said, lowering her voice. "The only things people seem hung up on are Troy's age and his wealth."
Austin waved off her concern. "That's just people being petty and jealous. Scarlett's one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood right now, so of course Troy would choose her over anyone else. And yeah, twenty-one is a little early to get married, but it's not unheard of. They've only announced their engagement anyway. It's not like they're getting married next week."
Martha nodded. "Most people marry late because they still have things to achieve, finishing their studies, building a career, all that. But those two are already insanely successful. Honestly, if I were in either of their places, I'd have retired by now."
"That's exactly why they're who they are," Austin shot back. "People have asked Troy that question a million times, about why he keeps working when he doesn't need to. And every time, he gives the same answer. 'I'll work as long as people enjoy my work. When they stop, so will I.'"
Martha shook her head with a faint smile. "Thank God that's his philosophy. I get why someone like him might want to retire, but I honestly don't think I'd survive it if he did."
Austin laughed softly. "Now you're being dramatic."
"No, I'm not," she shot back heatedly. "I loveā"
"Ladies and gentlemen," a very recognizable male voice boomed through the auditorium's speakers, instantly cutting through the chatter. "Hello, and welcome to tonight's show."
Austin leaned toward Martha, his eyes wide. "That's Troy's voice."
"I know," she whispered, elbowing him again as the lights dimmed. "Be quiet. I want to hear this."
"Before the show begins, please take a moment to silence all cell phones, pagers, communicators, and any other electronic devices you may have brought with you from the future.
"The use of cameras, recording devices, or any form of photography is strictly prohibited. Seriously. Don't do it. We'll see you, and we'll ask you to leave."
Austin chuckled at the bluntness in Troy's voice, the sound blending in with scattered laughter across the auditorium.
"This production contains strong language, adult themes, and material that may offend people who are easily offended, moderately offended, or offended in general. If you're one of those peopleā¦ wellā¦ welcome to Broadway.
"Latecomers are usually not allowed, but may be seated at the discretion of house management, and possibly judged silently.
"Once again, please silence all electronic devices.
"Now sit back, relax, and enjoy The Book of Mormon. And remember, you paid for this."
Austin, Martha, and the rest of the audience burst into laughter at the tongue-in-cheek opening announcement. The atmosphere in the theater shifted immediately, the crowd buzzing with anticipation about getting offended.
"If this is gonna be the vibe of the whole show," Austin whispered enthusiastically, "I already know I'm gonna love it."
Before Martha could even glance his way to shush him, the lights dimmed further and the show launched straight into a hilariously exaggerated introduction to the beliefs of the LDS Church.
"Iā¦ am Jesus."
The actor playing Jesus was clearly having the time of his life, milking every pause and inflection for maximum effect. His dramatic flair alone had the audience laughing, even before the punchlines landed.
As soon as the brief introduction wrapped up, Troy Armitage stepped onto the stage.
Gone was his usual superstar grin. In its place was an aggressively friendly, almost cartoonish smile that showed every one of his perfectly white teeth. His dark hair was neatly gelled back, giving him an unmistakably geeky, squeaky-clean look. Completing the Mormon missionary costume, he wore a crisp white shirt, a black tie, and sharply pressed black trousers.
He paused, lifted his hand, and mimed ringing an invisible doorbell.
~Hello!
My name is Elder Price,
And I would like to share with you
The most amazing book.~
The show had barely begun, yet the audience was already losing it. Troy's exaggerated facial expressions and boundless enthusiasm sent waves of laughter rippling through the theater. He sang the opening lines with such pure, unfiltered joy that it was hard to believe this was the same man who had played the Joker not too long ago.
One by one, more missionaries appeared on stage. What began as a solo quickly grew into a full-blown ensemble number, swelling into something that felt almost like a cheerful, overly polite choir by the end. The song served as a perfect introduction to Elders Price and Cunningham, while simultaneously poking fun at the wide-eyed innocence and odd behaviors of teenage missionaries sent around the world by the Church of Latter-day Saints.
As the show moved forward, it became clear that Elder Price was the most devoted missionary of the group. His dreams were big, his faith unshakable, and his heart was set on being sent to his favorite place in the world: Orlando, Florida. He expressed this dream through an energetic song-and-dance number, complete with relentless optimism and over-the-top choreography.
Unfortunately for him, luck had other plans.
In a hilariously cruel twist of fate, Price was assigned not to Orlando, but to Uganda. Even worse, he was paired with Elder Cunningham, the least disciplined and most chaotic missionary in the group. The audience roared with laughter as the reality of the pairing sank in, setting the stage for the madness that was sure to follow.
After their families bid them farewell with an over-the-top, Lion King-style send-off, Kevin Price made one thing abundantly clear to Arnold Cunningham.
~You and me, but mostly me,
Are gonna change the world forever,
'Cause I can do most anything.~
Cunningham seemed perfectly fine with that arrangement. He didn't miss a beat before chiming in, "And I can stand next to you and watch."
The dynamic between the two was instantly absurd. One of them openly accepted that Price was the superior Mormon, and their shared, painfully naive worldview had the audience in stitches.
The moment the missionaries touched down in Uganda, reality hit hard. They were immediately accosted by a group of local thugs who introduced themselves as enforcers for someone ominously named General Butt Fucking Naked. The name alone was enough to send the audience into uncontrollable laughter.
"That's actually the name of a real general from Liberia," Martha whispered to Austin between laughs as the cast paused to let the reaction die down. "Just without the f-word."
The thugs stripped the two young men of all their possessions before sending them on their way to meet their assigned local contact, Mafala Hatimbi. The shift in tone was subtle but effective. It quickly became clear that the village they'd been sent to was plagued by poverty, famine, disease, and violence. Yet despite witnessing all of this firsthand, the Elders remained stubbornly focused on converting the villagers rather than helping them in any meaningful way.
Mafala greeted them with weary patience before breaking into song, using music to explain both the villagers' suffering and their deeply cynical worldview.
"In this part of Africa," he explained, gesturing broadly to the village around them, "we all have a saying. Whenever something bad happens, we throw our hands to the sky and say, 'Hasa Diga Eebowai!'"
~We've had no rain in several days
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
And 80% of us have AIDS
Hasa Diga Eebowai!
Many young girls here get circumcised
Their clits get cut right off
Way-oh!
Raise your middle finger to the sky
And curse His rotten name!~
Mafala then went on to explain that Eebowai meant God, while Hasa Diga translated to "fuck you."
That was where Austin completely lost it.
It was the darkest thing he'd laughed at in his life, and he didn't regret it for a second. Judging by the deafening reaction around him, he wasn't alone. The entire hall erupted in uproarious laughter at the sheer absurdity and bleak honesty of it all. The song laid bare the misery of the Ugandan villagers, people so beaten down by life that cursing God felt like the only response left to them.
Even as he laughed, Austin couldn't help wondering whether this number would spark massive controversy. It was brilliant, but it felt like the kind of song every religious group would have something to say about. It was almost as if the creators had anticipated that exact reaction, because the song answered its own critics head-on.
~If you don't like what we say,
Try living here a couple days,
Watch all your friends and family die,
Hasa Diga Eebowai!~
The laughter faded almost instantly. The mood shifted as the Ugandans continued singing and dancing, repeating the next part with raw intensity rather than humor.
~Fuck you God in the ass, mouth,
And cunt-a~
The shock of the lyrics hung heavy in the air. When the song finally ended, the audience exploded into applause. People leapt to their feet, clapping and cheering for what had been an extraordinary ensemble performance by most of the cast.
Austin stood as well, applauding hard, his palms stinging. It wasn't just a great song. It was a brutal reality check for people living safe, comfortable lives in America and other Western countries.
The actors on stage, many of them seasoned performers, had to wait nearly a full minute before the show could continue. The applause simply wouldn't die down.
When things finally settled, the story moved forward. Elder Cunningham appeared instantly infatuated with Nabulungi, Mafala's daughter. A running gag followed, with him repeatedly getting her name wrong, which only made it funnier considering Nabulungi wasn't even that difficult to pronounce.
The two Elders were then introduced to the other missionaries stationed in the area. Their optimism took a hit when they learned that not a single person in the district had been converted to Mormonism.
Elder Price admitted that he was "confused" by the situation, a word that immediately set off alarm bells among the other missionaries. They burst into another song-and-dance number, this one titled "Turn It Off." The song explained how Mormons were taught to suppress uncomfortable emotions, doubts, and desires in order to remain cheerful, confident, and obedient at all times.
One missionary casually mentioned ignoring his mother being abused by his father. Another spoke about shutting down emotionally after his sister died of cancer. Their leader, Elder McKinley, was a closeted gay man who had buried his sexuality entirely in order to serve the church.
~Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes,
And find the box that's gay and CRUSH IT.
Okay?~
The joke landed hard, drawing huge laughs from the audience. In hindsight, it was darkly hilarious. The entire song had started simply because Price said he was "confused," and the others immediately assumed that meant he was gay. The implication was clear and unsettling. So many gay Mormons must have been suppressing themselves that it had become the default assumption among missionaries.
The next day, Elders Price and Cunningham headed out into the village to spread the word of their religion. One of the best moments of the sequence came courtesy of a Ugandan villager.
"You, sir," Troy, as Elder Price, said brightly, pointing at a man in the crowd. "Do you feel something stirring inside of you?"
"Yes," the man replied without hesitation.
"And it's because you want to believe in something higher," Price continued eagerly. He leaned forward, a big smile stretching across his face, clearly convinced his first conversion was seconds away. He placed a reassuring hand on the man's shoulder.
"No. It's because I have maggots in my scrotum."
Price froze. His smile vanished as he immediately pulled his hand back and glanced down at the man's groin.
"You should see a doctor," Price said carefully.
"I am the doctor."
Austin burst out laughing. The joke landed perfectly, driving home the idea that for the people of Uganda, survival and basic quality of life mattered far more than religion.
True to form, the Elders brushed past the villagers' very real problems and launched into a full song-and-dance number explaining their faith, its origins, and how it came to be. Even that introduction was outrageously funny, and from what little Austin knew about the religion, uncomfortably accurate.Ā
They weren't making fun of the religion, just stating facts. If those facts turned out to be funny, it wasn't their fault, was it?
The laughter hadn't even fully died down when chaos erupted.
A general stormed onto the stage with his armed thugs and delivered a terrifying ultimatum. All the women in the village were to be circumcised, or elseā¦. To make his point, he raised his gun and shot a man point-blank in the head.
Blood sprayed outward, splattering across Elder Price, who had been standing just behind the victim. The theater went deathly quiet as the shock of the moment settled in.
Terrified and furious, Price reached his breaking point. He wanted a transfer out of Africa immediately.
When Cunningham caught up to him, trying to offer support, it only made things worse.
"I'll transfer with you. We're best friends," Cunningham said desperately.
"We're not best friends!" Price snapped. "I got stuck with you because of the Missionary Training Center."
The words hung in the air. Almost instantly, Price realized how cruel he'd been, but it didn't change his decision. He still couldn't stay. He stormed off, leaving Cunningham alone.
Before Cunningham could retreat back into the village, Nabulungi found him and gently encouraged him to keep teaching the villagers about their religion. Left on his own, Cunningham launched into another song, "Man Up", a number that was both hilarious and oddly heartfelt.
~What did Jesus do when they put nails through his hands?
Did he scream like a girl, or did he take it like a man?~
What started as a solo soon grew into something more. Price rejoined the song, as did Nabulungi, each of them singing about their own frustrations and dreams. Cunningham wanted to man up and prove himself. Nabulungi longed for a better life in a place like "Sal Tlay Ka City." Price dreamed of nothing more than escaping to Orlando.
Each of them finished their verses on a high note, until the doctor from earlier suddenly burst onto the stage.
"I have maggots in my scrotum!"
The timing was perfect. Austin laughed hard, nearly doubling over at the delivery.
Moments later, the stage lights dimmed, signaling intermission. The entire audience leapt to its feet, clapping as if their lives depended on it.
"Wow," Martha whispered once the applause finally faded. "I don't think I've ever laughed this much in my entire life. And this is just the first half."
"I haven't either," Austin said, still grinning. "I haven't seen many Broadway shows, but I don't think anything could top this. The social commentary, the jokes, the religious satire, all of it's so dark and still so relevant. It's perfect."
"Well, of course it's perfect," Martha replied. "Troy picked it. He's just proven again how good his instincts are when it comes to choosing projects."
"True," Austin said, standing up. "Come on, let's grab some snacks before the show starts again. I can't miss a single second of the second half."
____________________
AN: My apologies for the delayed release of this chapter. I had a family emergency, which made it difficult to focus on the story. All's well now, and I'll be aiming to post chapters more frequently here.Ā
Check out my second story, 'Swimmer to Superstar (A Hollywood SI)'.
Link: www(dot)fablefic(dot)com