My mind is a safe place for my thoughts and dreams. I love going there, but it causes problems too. The deeper I go into my own world, I feel both happy and bad. Happy because I am free there. Bad because I am ignoring my real-life work.
I feel heavy pressure from what society expects. Their judging words feel louder every day. They call me "lazy." They call me a "loser." This makes me feel angry and defiant. Who are they to judge my life? I feel both mad and confused. Are they gods? Then why do they worship other gods? I find this funny in a dark way. By this society's rules, I am a loser and they are winners? That feels so unfair. So, powerful people try to control weaker people? Then why do they become slaves to gods they made up, who aren't even real?
"Wake up, wake up..."
A sharp voice pulls me from my dream. I feel confused, like I just fell. My heart beats fast. My mother speaks urgently, bothering my already stressed nerves. "Suvam, wake up. Go clean yourself, put on your school clothes, and eat. You're late."
I force myself to sound calm. "Okay, Mama, I got it." The normal routine takes over, numbing my wild feelings. I no longer hope for change. I am just tired and accept it.
I walk into my classroom and look for a seat. I don't have a regular desk. I just sit anywhere it's empty.
As I sit, I see other students get nervous when they can't find their usual spot. They look for their friends. I feel a small twist in my stomach. Should I feel that way too? But I don't.
Sitting alone or with others feels the same to me. Not happy, not sad, just okay. This makes me wonder: Am I strange? Different? That thought makes me uneasy.
Then I stop myself. Who am I to think I'm better just because I don't need a special seat or friend? Maybe they have reasons I don't know.
When the teacher talks, I look at my book, but my mind wanders. I dream of ruling the world and people apologizing for hurting me. But a quiet voice inside says, "Let it go," and I fall back into daydreams.
I think, "I believe I know myself, but I really know that I don't. That is the one thing I do know."
The lunch bell rings. The teacher leaves and the room gets loud. My made-up world disappears. Kids run to eat or talk, but I sit alone, feeling separate.
I take out my secret comfort book I bought online. Reading it makes me happy to escape, but also lonely in the real world.
Lunch ends too quickly. We go back to class and I feel stuck at my desk. The next two hours feel very long. I switch between boredom and quick flashes of imagination, wishing I could stay in my dream world.
Finally, school is over. I walk out, stuck between two worlds: the one in my mind where I feel strong, and the real one where I often feel small and unsure.
I have paid for the school bus for two years, but I never use it after school. I take it in the morning because I always wake up late, feeling sleepy and in a hurry. After school, I walk home instead.
I walk home while drunk from alcohol... I know it's not healthy, but I like the feeling. People say only bad people drink, and society disapproves.
But this makes me angry and confused, because society still sells alcohol everywhere. Why judge others instead of looking at themselves?
I wonder if people would want it less if it wasn't called "bad." Society's disapproval might even make some want it more, which is frustrating. Some drink to seem cool, some from habit, some to forget sadness.
I feel torn because I understand all these reasons. The world says drinking is bad, so why allow it? I feel bitter knowing countries make money by harming their own people.
What is the point of trying to seem better than others? Why talk about peace while causing harm? I feel lost in a world that doesn't make sense.
I eat and clean up after my bath, then watch TV. My room feels like a warm, comfortable cocoon.
As I talk to myself, my thoughts race: "I love getting lost in my imagination, but it is slowly destroying me. The outside world forces its rules on me, rules that don't make sense. Maybe we are not so different, though—they live in their made-up world, and I live in mine. At least I know mine isn't real... or do I? The more I think, the more I doubt everything, even myself."
Suddenly, I panic. I forgot my homework. My eyes feel very heavy with tiredness. I am torn between doing my work and going to sleep.
A familiar feeling of hating myself comes over me. I am about to make the same mistake again. "First things first," I sigh with a bitter smile. "And like always, today is the same as yesterday."
My eyes open wide. The homework! My heart races as I sit up, but then heavy tiredness pulls me down.
I look at my desk, then at my bed. I am torn. "Just like always," I mutter, lying back down. "I'll let my future self handle it tomorrow."
As I curl up to sleep, my mind starts to wander. What if I wake up as a different person? What if I am in a world with no homework? Or a world where homework is all we do?
I imagine different versions of me in different worlds, all making this same choice. Are they all giving up too? Is there a version of me somewhere actually doing the work?
My thoughts get blurry as sleep comes. Maybe the "me" in my dreams will be more responsible. But as I fall asleep, I know that's just another story I tell myself.
Tomorrow will come, and I will be right here again, stuck in a cycle I can't seem to break.