JIMMY
I woke up, my mind groggy. I looked at my alarm, an hour or so till it would ring. It seemed like my body always woke up just to shut the alarm, but if I didn't have it I would never wake up. Regardless, I was awake, it was still dark outside, 5 in the morning, that's all that mattered.
I stared at the ceiling, it was dark but the few street lights outside illuminated the room plenty. It was silent, but in a few minutes, the birds would start chirping, and perhaps the neighbour's sprinklers would turn on. I had always thought it sprinkled at 7, but it seemed to sprinkle earlier and earlier into the day, sooner or later it would surely turn on at midnight.
There wasn't much going on in my head…or rather, nothing much of importance. My mother had told me the previous day that life was all about perspective, she was a kind soul, bless her heart, trying to cheer me up when I seemed down.
But was that all there was? Simple perspective. Was perspective what shaped how I viewed the world, or was the world shaping my perspective? Who was to blame, the world or the man for how the man became. Who was I to blame, the world or me…
It seemed so much easier to blame me, that would make things easier, for if I blamed the world that I had no effect upon, I would only burden myself. Or ev-
I shook my head vigorously, sighing loudly then taking my phone by the side of my bed. At times like these I needed something, anything to root me to reality…or was that my reality and I wanted to avoid it? Regardless, some Bachi looked delectable right then as I closed my eyes. I'd take a shower after that, then 'prepare' for school, not that it mattered.
ALICE
I held my white mug still as I slowly poured the hot chocolate into it. I had worn a sweater and an overcoat but damn did it still feel chilly inside the house. I wrapped my fingers around the mug, putting it close to my lips as I planned to sip it slowly. What I wouldn't give for a few marshmallows.
I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, my boy must have been awake. He should have been preparing, school would be on in about an hour and the way the clouds were looking, things would not hold up for well if he walked there.
"Hey Jimmy." I called out to him. He wore a plain white shirt and black jeans.
"Hey Mom, I should be going." He walked to the kitchen, taking a glass off the shelves and taking the tap water.
"What about your breakfast?" I had prepared some toast for him. Nothing too fancy since I knew he was a light eater.
"I'll eat it when I come back, I should really get going to school." He flashed a smile at me, a curl in his lips but his eyes remained dead steady.
"Wait!" I shouted, "Let me take you there, you can't be walking hungry like that every day."
"Mum, I'm okay," he said while tying his shoelaces, "Besides, you have work."
"You," I stepped to his side and grabbed his shoulder, slowly increasing my grip till he winced, "Are also my work. Let me put on my heels."
We walked to the car together. His school was about a fifteen minute drive from home and about a forty to forty five minute walk if you used a long route, thirty for the normal one.
I pulled from the drive way. I waited for the school bus across the street to drive off before turning right. A red traffic light at the bottom of the street turned green just before I reached - a lucky break. I took a left.
"School isn't this way Mom." Jimmy said. I could feel the side eye piercing through the side of my head.
"I know."
"Where are we going?"
"Relax Jimmy, I won't eat you"
There was a diner I had recently found on one of my round trips. 'Misty's diner' was the name. It had been built up recently, so it had this new feel to it. The customer service was divine, the way the waiters smiled at you and such. I ordered another cup of chocolate, I might have been more than a sucker for the thing.
I grabbed the blue mug I had been given by my waiter, wrapping my arms around it to get some of that warmth in me. It was about to get colder in the coming days, the weatherman predicted that it would snow soon, but how soon was the question.
My son's arms wrapped around mine, I glanced at his face but he quickly looked down, focusing on our hands. He was a sweet child, just like his father. Kind but ever too asocial, very few people could get the kind of warmth he had.
"How is school?" I decided to ask.
"How is work?" the classic evasion, he was hiding something from me.
"It's alright, the customers have started pouring in for their winter wear." I ran a clothes business, whenever the seasons changed is when we had the most amount of customers. All I had to do was follow the trend and sooner or later they would start buying like crazy.
"I see."
"And how is school?"
"It's…" he paused for a while, glancing out the window, "Fine I guess."
"I hear you've been late." His hands twitched. He retracted them back to his side of the table.
"I-" he paused again, he was debating, "don't like it there." He clasped his hands together, leaning back from the table. He didn't want to talk, and I did not want to push him any further.
The waiter came back with his order, a double shot of black coffee with a complimentary scone on the side. He pushed it towards me, I couldn't help but smile.
"What?" he asked, holding the hilt of his mug.
"Nothing. I'm just wondering why you look more adult than me"
"Stop." he blushed as he glanced to the side, forcing a cough just to pretend to cover his mouth. He was weak to compliments, a cute kid. I had heard giving 14 year olds so much coffee was a bad idea, but a little bit of spoiling for him was the best thing sometimes.
"Want to go outdoor swimming after this?" I asked jokingly, hoping he would take the bait.
"You have work mum, I have school too." he asked as he stared into my eyes, "Besides," he moved his gaze to his mug as he slowly lifted it, " I don't know how to swim." I knew that. Jimmy couldn't swim to save his own life.
"Okay, you win." I said, taking the scone from his plate as I took a bite, "But once it gets warmer, I'll teach you how to swim." His lips twitched.
JIMMY
It was break time. The clouds were still gray, no hint of sunlight at the moment.
The other students had broken off into their collective cliques, sharing stories on what adventures they had taken part in over the weekend. The boys were being loud as usual, in the hopes of someone outside their group being interested in their stories, the girls just laughed their way. Two grounds both loudly pining for attention…at least that was how I saw it. The observation of a lone student towards the social ones, a biased take.
I stared at the clock at the front, it was about 10 minutes to one pm. School would close at 3. It was already a long day, looking at that clock made me even more exhausted.
I shifted my gaze out the window. Our class was on the second floor of the school towards the edge that faced the forest on the hill in the distance. The clouds greyed the sky and some hovered over the hills, creating this beautiful scenery of trees mixed with some kind of mist. It had this fantasy feel to it, staring made me feel as if I was in another world, an inaccessible realm of euphoria no doubt.
"Hey Jimmy." my name was called out in this happy skippy tone that was only ever used by one person, Nancy, "Why didn't you text back?" I heard a seat being dragged closer to my desk from the front.
"Did I?" I was hoping that not replying would get her to dislike me, leave me alone for a moment. Being with her caught too much attention, her fans most likely didn't like that, I could feel it…Yet there she was, having forced her number into my phone and consequently being the first one to message me. If there ever was a study on how love was blind, Nancy was a perfect specimen to observe. Though I hoped it was just a passing phase, a brief infatuation that like a plant, if not well tended would wilt away.
"Look at this." she forced her phone to my face, forcing me to change where I was looking at.
"Could you no-" she was close, having leaned over my locker to get the phone to that position. She had long eyelashes, a bit of a sharp nose but it blended quite well with the round shape of her face. Deep brown eyes that looked more black than brown, and a faint sweet smell of strawberries in her breath. Something stirred within me, but I suppressed it.
I leaned back, swinging on my seat in the hopes of getting further from her but she leaned even closer.
"It shows the message has been seen but you didn't reply."
"I'm sorry." She didn't look convinced by my apology. "Could you please move back now?"
It's not that I didn't like her, I just didn't want to. We were worlds apart from each other, we would never be good together. Even if we became a thing, it would only take some time before the illusion she built of me broke down in the face of the crushing reality of what I was. Sooner or later she would lose interest by herself, and I had to hold out till then.
****
"You seem pretty close to Nancy."
Classes had ended and I was preparing to go home when I was pulled to the side by a group of three. Curious if it was something serious, I allowed myself to be pulled to the side, only to be confronted over such a ridiculous issue.
"She doesn't like you." another short one at the back of the big one said.
"Look buddy," the big one said, "She made a bet with some other girls. She wants to make you fall for her for that reason."
"Okay." I responded almost immediately. It would make a lot of sense if that was the case, but it didn't matter anyway.
"Okay?" He looked confused.
"What do you mean okay? You're supposed to be angry." How could I? I for sure couldn't take his word for it, he wasn't my friend to say the least.
"Not that it matters." I simply responded, his brows furrowed as his nostrils flared up. I may have been asocial but I lived not under a rock. He was her previous boyfriend as far as I could tell, bitterness after an ended relationship was normal. Or he could have been telling the truth, either way, it didn't matter to me. I never liked the idea of aiming for what I couldn't achieve.
He stepped forward, his arms outstretched as he pushed me back. I lost my balance, falling on my back. I tried to get up but he swung at me, getting a clean punch right at my left eye, my right eye the only one left that could see right. He grabbed the collar of my shirt, staring directly into my eyes in a rather humorous display of rage…yelling something that passed over the ringing in my ears.
I'm sure he didn't understand what happened next, and neither could I.
Straight punch to the neck, he staggered back as he choked. The other two rushed to him, trying to help him as he grabbed his throat, neither rushed me. A relief.
*****
I plugged in my earphones, playing the moonlight sonata as I decided to take the long way back home, through the woods. Something that would help clear my head, and possibly not get called out for the stains on my shirt. I hadn't checked my reflection yet but from the way my eye was aching…it was sure to be a black eye.
"That's a dangerous look you have there." someone called out, interestingly loud enough to get past my earphones. It was an old man. Gray hair, sunken eyes, the way his lips sunk back in…I was sure he had no teeth or was probably aged beyond repair.
He sat on a fallen tree trunk.
"Did this tree make noise when it fell?" he asked, patting the trunk with his left hand. Such a weird question to ask a stranger, sketchy behaviour.
"I'm not sure," regardless, I decided to reply, "what do you think?"
"It does and it does not, a contradicting answer but hear me out will you."'
"I'm all ears." I had some time to kill.
"Sound exists whether you are there to hear it or not, but then again, you will never be completely sure whether it exists outside your own perception. You'll just be guessing whether it made a sound."
"I see," he was saying something interesting but… "what's your point?"
"There is no point to it unless you see the point in it, I just wanted to talk to you. You look like you've had a rather unpleasant day."
"Unpleasant?" I scoffed instinctively, "That's one way to call it."
"Mind telling me what had happened? This old man has two ears and all the time in the world to hear you."
"You don't say, why would I do that?"
"Everyone has a story to tell."
I remained silent. Old man, alone in the forest, the only thing left would be darkness and we would have a horror film scenario in our hands. That man was a stranger…then again, what was there to lose? The man was just a stranger.
ALICE
It was evening, the sun was about to set. It had been an exhausting day at work. So many customers had shown up that I wasn't able to take any of my breaks. I was tired, I was hungry, my feet hurt and even worse…I had to cook dinner. Surely Jimmy wouldn't mind if I ordered take out, maybe Chinese food or pizza.
I opened the door and was immediately hit with the scent of cooking food. I couldn't quite guess what it was but it smelled completely intoxicating. I walked over to the kitchen, Jimmy was there, frying something with the amount of hiss I was hearing, his back was turned against me. That was quite a pleasant surprise. I hadn't known he knew how to cook.
"Well would you look at that." I said, hugging him briefly from behind then stepping back, he hated long hugs. He turned around and smiled at me…he smiled at me?
"Hey Mum, how was your day?" I noticed the black eye, "I got a bit hurt at school, don't worry about it."
"You sure?"
"I am mum, please go and take a shower first, dinner will be served in a few."
"Okay," I was a bit concerned about his bruise but even more impressed by his current behavior, "Who are you and what have you done with my Jimmy?"
"Hurry up mom or else we'll have to eat it cold."
"Alright."
I made my way upstairs.
JIMMY
I slumped in my bed, a blue bottle in my right hand. The old man had given it to me after I spoke to him. Why exactly I did it was a mystery.
He had just sat there as I slowly spilled my guts out.
"You really are as smart as you look."
"Huh?" I responded, rubbing my hands together.
"You have your head screwed in tighter than a plane's bolt." he scratched his chin with his right hand, "I have the perfect antidote for you." he reached into his pocket. "Here," he handed me a bottle, a small blue bottle a bit bigger than the size of my closed fist, "This should help with your problems."
"I don't do drugs." I responded. And I couldn't, my mum would have a stroke on hearing that, wondering where she went wrong.
"They're not drugs," he stopped, then stared at the sky with a smile, "They're medicine for the soul."
"Uh, huh" I couldn't tell if he was serious, "the soul you say." It would probably take me on a divine trip on a golden hawk or something.
"They'll make you a better man," he continued, his smile turning to a grin, "The first you should take to clear your mind, you shouldn't make a wish when you're thinking a lot. If it works, take the second and make a wish, the third will strengthen your resolve to see it through. Take exactly as I tell you, nothing more, nothing less, in that order."
A better man huh? If I became that, maybe I'd be able to let my mum rest easy. It must have been difficult raising me with my…inquisitive tendencies, asocial demeanour and silent attitude. I might be able to show her what she means to me.
I popped the cap, put three of the pills in my hand, they were red in colour. I took the first one to check what would happen, how my mind would feel if it started to clear. I monitored myself, I would bail if I started feeling off…
He took the second after nothing happened for a while, then the third. He then lay on his bed. What was there to lose? There was only one way, and it was up. He closed his eyes and made a wish.
ALICE
I came back to the dining room, the lights were dimmed and the table was set up in a rather fancy way with candles on there.
"What is all this?" I asked as Jimmy emerged from the kitchen. He had this smile on his face, wore a white shirt which had a black tie print on the front. He looked a little silly as he walked in an uptight manner.
"Table for one?"
"Yes." I chuckled a bit, he had put on a bit of an accent while saying that.
"This way please." he took me two steps to my seat, pulled the chair for me to sit down.
"And what would you like to have today?" he slipped me a note with only one thing on it.
"It's a hard pick, but I'll have the spaghetti."
"Very good choice madam, the spaghetti is extra exquisite today." he slipped me another note as he continued, "And what about the accompaniment?"
"I'll have the pineapple juice."
"Truly a connoisseur in my midst."
He brought the food one by one, humming a tune from a child's song he used to hear on repeat. The itsy bitsy spider.
"Enjoy," he said as he sat on the other side of the table. He flashed me a smile…I couldn't help but feel a bit uneasy, "How was your day mom?" He stared at me directly in the eyes.
"It was rather enjoyable, boring at most apart from this one kid."
"Do tell." he leaned on the table, still keeping eye contact.
"He wanted a taper fade on the sides while we shortened his hair but his mother would have had none of it. He was shaved bald."
"What?" he asked with a slight smile on his face that lengthened to a grin , "That's so FUNNY!" he let out a loud laugh as he smacked the table with his fist - my heart stopped- the glass toppled, spilling my drink as it spread over the table. We stared at each other in silence.
"I'm so sorry." he said as he stood up, staring at the spill "I should clean this up before it spills over."
He took off his shirt and started wiping the table with it. I just sat there, staring at him. His movements were quite fast, not that I was complaining but he never moved that quick.
"I should clean this up, I'm so sorry for ruining everything m-"
"You didn't Jimmy." His breathing was getting heavier, "Sit down Jimmy, you should go and rest. I'll clean up."
"But I want you to enjoy your nigh-"
"And I've enjoyed it Jimmy." I stood up, moving closer to his shaking self, "I love you J, I hope you know that." I held his shoulder, his body was on fire, his eyes darting all around…something was wrong.
"Love you too mum." his voice was firm, his eyes steady as he said those words.. This wasn't my Jimmy.
JIMMY
I woke up in my room, my head feeling some type of way. A light ache, like a pin lodged at the side of my head. I must have been dehydrated, I heard that was always the first culprit in times like these.
I could barely remember what happened the previous night. Fragments and pieces all formed and broke themselves in my mind. It was more like trying to remember a movie I watched in the distant past than an actual event. I remembered that I wanted to cook something for my mother, and the small fragments showed her being pleased, happy even. I waddled through my pockets, if I remembered correctly, I had some of the pills in my pocket, what did the guy say again.
"One to make the wish," I took the first, "two to tighten my resolve, the third makes you a better man…?" his memories were a bit fuzzy after that. He searched in his pockets but there were no more.
He looked around for his bag. It must have been downstairs.
ALICE
As I took my morning cup, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Maybe I was being too paranoid. I didn't want to be one of those parents that didn't believe in their children, watched their every move and in the hopes of controlling the kid,losing them altogether in the end.
I noticed his bag by the couch, next to the coffee table. He never left his things out like that, only in his room did he keep his things disorganised. I walked over to it and picked it up…it was open. A few of his books spilled from his bag and something rather concerning rolled under the table. I tried to ignore it, my mind was overthinking, this was a bad habit. He wouldn't.
I crouched under the table, there was this small, hand sized blue bottle, I could see the pills that were inside.
"Hey mum, have you seen my-?" he stopped. I had his bag in my hands, and I was sure he could see the bottle in my left hand. He froze at the entrance to the living room, having that deer in the headlights look about him.
"H-hey," I tried to steady my breathing as I spoke, "Jimmy," I tightened my grip around the bottle, "Are you…" I stared at him directly in the eyes, I neither broke my gaze, nor did he. He looked guilty even before I asked, "Are you on drugs?"
He neither responded nor walked away. I was right. That was all I needed to know. All that joy we had last night was simply him on drugs.
"Where did you get it from?" I asked silently, he didn't respond, "Answer me J!" I yelled at him, letting go of the bag as I approached him. I grabbed his shoulder with my right hand and showed the bottle to his face, "Where did you get this?"
"I was given them on my way home…They aren't what you think."
"Really?" I stepped back, pulling at my hair with both my hands, "Then what are they? Candy? Vitamins? It has no label J, IT HAS NO LABEL!"
"Look Mum."
"Don't you even think of lying to me, you've never been good at it." he always froze before a lie, as if a computer was trying to process heavy information. It always came out logical, but I had been with him long enough to know that freeze.
"I just…I just wanted to make you happy. I…I don't want you to worry about me. "
"Look J, you are my son." I crouched to be on the same level as him, "MY SON! Of course I'll worry about you, it's my job Jimmy." I tried to pull him closer but he moved back, a blank expression on his face, he was angry.
"You don't understand." He turned and headed straight back upstairs.
"JIMMY!" I was unsure if I was to follow him or let him sort out his feelings on his own.
I screamed…out of anger? Out of pain?...I didn't know. I held my head as I pulled on my hair, surely my mind had something that I could try.
JIMMY
He stormed into his room, he had a lot of things running through his mind. He needed to clear his head and make her mother forget, but the pills were with mother, and he doubted whether he could get it back from her.
He was about to jump on his bed when he saw another bottle, just like the other on his reading desk…He had two? He asked himself. He couldn't remember whether he had only one or more of them, and if he had more where they were.
Regardless, he popped it open and took out three pills. Taking the first for his mind to be clear to think, the second wishing for the mother to forget, then the third as a strengthened resolve. He lay on his bed, closing his eyes as his mind began to clear. He forgot his troubles, he forgot that the mother was angry at him, he forgot his school, he forgot his name, he forgot who he was, he forgot how to breathe, he forgot he was ever alive.
ALICE
It had been about thirty minutes after Jimmy had gone upstairs. My elbows on the table, my head between the palm of my hands as my feet tapped the floor furiously…I was panicking. I never thought I needed to have this kind of conversation with Jimmy. I thought I knew him, I thought he was better than that.
"Calm down." I whispered to myself as the knot in my stomach got tighter. I needed to go upstairs and have a talk with him. I was his mother after all.
I made my way upstairs, running the script through my head and stopped at his door.
I raised my hand, curled up my knuckles, hesitated to knock but finally did it after steadying my breath. Two soft knocks.
"Hey Jimmy," no response, "Can we talk?" still no response, "I' m not mad or anything, I just want to have a talk." still no response.
I waited, still no response. So I turned the knob and softly opened the door. "Jimmy?" I scanned the room, he was on his bed staring into the ceiling, the blue bottle in his left…
"Jimmy?" it was empty, I could see that it was, "Jimmy?!" I moved to his bed, shaking him. His pupils were completely enlarged, a glassy look in those eyes, but his gaze looked distant.