[Roman's secret hideout]
Inside Roman's new hideout, chosen because the last one had been compromised when Neo's correspondence arrived straight at the front door, Neo was not having the best time of her life.
Lying back on a couch, she watched Roman's minions come and go carrying boxes, moving from one side to the other without stopping. She sighed, irritated, feeling the annoyance pile up inside her. That discomfort was mainly due to the "gift" Daniel had given her.
Turning her head, she focused on Roman, who was a few meters away, feeding ice cream to Vanilla, who was sitting on a tall chair, eating spoonful after spoonful.
"Eat, dear Vanilla, eat, grow, and make me rich," Roman laughed, handing her another spoonful of ice cream.
Neo frowned. He had never fed her ice cream, yet he fed Vanilla every chance he got. He had done it so many times that her size had quadrupled, and she had already reached the height of a small child.
As soon as Vanilla finished another tub of ice cream, she used the same container and held out her hand. The tub filled again with white ice cream or rather, with the new drug Roman was distributing.
Roman smiled when he saw yet another full container. "Good job, Vanilla. Mwah!"
He kissed her on the forehead as he placed the tub into a box along with other tubs of freshly filled drugs. Immediately, a minion approached, lifted the box, and carried it away.
Neo could not help but wonder if Roman would love her more if she could secrete drugs from her hands. The answer was pretty obvious. Of course he would.
Neo was genuinely jealous. Vanilla was not only stealing Roman's paternal affection, something he had never given her, she had also stolen her ice cream themed name. Basically, she was living Neo's dream of being fed nothing but ice cream.
"Still jealous?" A male, melodious voice sounded beside her.
Neo did not even bother turning to look for the source. She knew perfectly well who it was.
Beside her, sitting on a table, was the frog that had arrived with Vanilla in the box, now known as Michigan J. Frog. At first, he had not spoken at all, only sung, but once people stopped paying attention to him, he started talking. Now, dressed in a black suit, he looked at her with arrogance.
"You should not feel jealous, Miss Neo, just because Vanilla is far more loved and important than you after only one week since her arrival."
Neo absolutely hated the frog. She was certain he took pleasure in driving people insane. And even though she really wanted to kill him, she could not. Vanilla had taken him in as a pet, and harming him was forbidden.
Michigan crossed his legs.
"What is it? Why are you not answering? Do not tell me you have a frog in your throat. HAHAHA!"
Annoyed, Neo grabbed her umbrella and, in a quick motion, tried to smash him, disobeying Roman's orders. To her misfortune, the frog did not get crushed.
With a masterful leap, he jumped off the table. The sound of the impact caught everyone's attention. The frog croaked in fake agony while hopping in Vanilla's direction.
Vanilla stopped eating, alarmed, and took Michigan into her arms, checking to make sure he was all right. Once she confirmed it, she narrowed her eyes at Neo, flipped her the middle finger, and ran off.
Roman looked genuinely irritated when he saw that several containers were still left to be filled. "Get back here, Vanilla! It was just an accident!"
He waited a few seconds, but when she did not return, his expression tightened even more. The annoyance was immediately obvious.
"Damn it, Neo, I told you to leave that frog alone!"
Neo rolled her eyes. She stood up from the couch and turned her back on him, ready to leave. However, she stopped when one of Roman's minions planted himself in front of her, holding two packages.
Neo looked at the label on one of them and immediately recognized that they had been sent by Daniel.
All she could do was sigh, exhausted. She was not sure she wanted any more gifts from him.
Roman, meanwhile, slapped his hand against his forehead. "Are you fucking kidding me, Neo? You gave him the address of the new base?!"
Neo had done exactly that. She could not help forming a small smile when she realized she had managed to annoy Roman.
Without wasting time and with her mood slightly improved, she opened the package, which was fairly long. Inside was what looked like a white umbrella, tightly wrapped in a lot of tape. It came with a note.
[Careful, the umbrella bites]
Neo did not take the warning as a joke. She removed the tape carefully, peeling it away with delicate movements, and when she finally managed to take it all off, an eye appeared on one side of the umbrella.
A large eye, staring straight at her.
But Neo was not alarmed. On the contrary, she felt something deep inside her, a strange sensation, as if an immediate connection had formed with the creature she was holding. The creature seemed to feel the same.
"Damn it!"
Roman complained, but not because of the umbrella. A minion had brought him a tub of ice cream for Vanilla, but it was not the kind he had asked for.
"I told you I did not want artificially flavored ice cream!" he growled, throwing the tub straight at the minion's head. "Vanilla only likes fresh things. This is the last time you screw up!"
Annoyed at hearing Roman talk about Vanilla again, Neo instinctively aimed the umbrella at the minion, trying to vent her frustration with a quick thrust, but just before the tip pierced him, the umbrella snapped open, unfolding into large, massive, tooth filled tentacles that wrapped around the minion's head and shoulders.
"GMAMGMM!"
The muffled screams echoed as he kicked several times, but it was useless. The umbrella effortlessly swallowed his entire body. Then it returned to normal, once again taking on the appearance of a simple umbrella.
Several minions who witnessed the scene quickly backed away. Even the one holding the other package dropped it before running off, afraid of being next.
Horrified, Roman stepped closer, trying to keep as much calm as possible.
"Neo, dear…" His tone was almost paternal. "I am not the type who likes to meddle in other people's lives, but…"
He took a deep breath. "WHO THE HELL IS SENDING YOU THIS STUFF?"
He started pacing back and forth as he complained. "First a dancing frog, golden guns, an ice cream girl who produces drugs… though I am not complaining about that last one…"
He did not stop. He pointed directly at the umbrella.
"And now a monster shaped like an umbrella that eats humans? NO. This is where I draw the line. I already have enough on my plate with Cinder Fall, and now I have to worry about objects eating me."
Roman kept rambling, complaining nonstop, but Neo was not paying attention. Her eyes lit up with a dreamy glow as she stared at the umbrella. Just like hers, the umbrella's eye seemed to shine in the same way.
Something deep inside Neo told her they were going to be very good friends from this moment on.
She genuinely appreciated Daniel's gift. She was already ready to hit the streets and look for rival gangs to feed her new friend. However, she could not do that because Roman was still yelling at her.
Neo put on a bored expression, watching as Roman grew redder and redder with rage. Meanwhile, her gaze drifted toward the other package Daniel had sent, and she was surprised to see that it was not for her.
It was for Roman.
Discreetly, she kicked the package toward him. Roman stopped yelling, staring at the box in confusion until he noticed the label with his name on it. He knew it would be best not to open it, but curiosity got the better of him. He opened it anyway, expecting to find some mysterious weapon, some magical object, or something unique.
There was nothing like that.
He was overwhelmed when he saw that inside the package, instead of anything useful, there was an enormous rubber penis shaped like a sword, a meter and a half long and an intense pink color.
Roman dropped the package to the floor in horror. The penis sword bounced and jiggled like gelatin.
Roman felt like throwing up. He wanted to yell at Neo, but when he looked around, he realized she was already gone.
He rubbed his eyes slowly. "I really hate Daniel…" he growled in annoyance.
—/—
[Schnee Manor]
Inside the Schnee manor, only two days after the death of Jacques Schnee, a lively argument was taking place between Weiss and her mother, Willow.
Weiss finished explaining her future plans to her. She told her what she intended to do with the SDC, about the merger with her boyfriend's company, Aperture Science, about how they planned to change the world, and about all the dreams she had built.
Willow did not interrupt her at any point. She simply poured herself another glass of wine while Weiss continued rambling, until she finally finished speaking.
"So?" Weiss asked excitedly, smiling. "What do you think?"
She waited for her mother's response, perhaps looking for a bit of approval now that she was running the SDC. She hoped Willow would look less depressed, maybe encouraged by the company's new direction, returning to the old glory days when the goal was to improve the world and not just profit from it.
Willow, with an indifferent look, set the empty glass down on the table as she began pouring herself another.
"I always thought you were smarter than me, Weiss." She said it in a cold tone.
Even so, a small thread of hope for validation formed in Weiss's heart, only to collapse almost immediately when Willow continued speaking: "But it seems I was wrong."
Weiss's heart tightened with sadness, but more importantly, she frowned and took a step forward. "What do you mean by that?" she asked, trying to understand her.
Willow sighed, tired. "You are just like me…" She paused briefly, swirling the wine in her glass. "Like mother, like daughter…"
She laughed bitterly and, before Weiss could reply, continued, explaining herself. "You just handed complete control of the SDC to the first man you fell in love with."
She laughed again, without humor, letting her shoulders slump, exhausted. "You are exactly like me. You are repeating the same mistakes I made with your father."
Weiss froze, shocked, but it did not last long, because that feeling quickly turned into annoyance and then into anger. "Daniel is not like my father!"
She raised her voice, clenching her fists. "He does not care about money! He cares about helping people!"
Even though Weiss's voice sounded loud and upset, Willow did not react, taking another sip of her wine.
That indifference only managed to irritate Weiss even more. "He saved Atlas more than once and asked for nothing in return!" She raised her voice, speaking with a hint of pride. "And he has even more plans to help the world!"
She continued laying out all of Daniel's good points, but still got no reaction from her mother. Tired and irritated, she narrowed her eyes, feeling the frustration rise in her chest.
"Just because you were stupid enough to fall for Jacques's lies does not mean all men are like that."
She said it with the intention of hurting her, and it seemed to work. Willow's glass stopped halfway, her gaze finally meeting Weiss's.
"Anything else, or are you done?" she asked with all the indifference she could muster.
Weiss nodded. "Yes, there is something else."
She paused briefly, taking a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "Daniel will be coming soon. I was hoping you would meet him… but I think it would be better if you did not see him."
With those final words, Weiss turned around and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Willow was left completely alone, and seconds later, in a burst of rage, she hurled the glass against the wall with force, scattering shards everywhere. She did not care. She stood up, irritated, and headed toward the massage room. She needed to relax.
As she walked, she could not help cursing herself for not having guided Weiss better, for not having taught her that all men were the same, liars and deceivers, and now her own daughter had fallen for one of them, just like she had in the past.
When she entered the massage room, she began taking off her clothes, ending up covered only by a towel. As she approached the table, she noticed something strange.
The masseur was not the usual one. This one was younger, in better shape, with white hair, blue eyes, and a wide smile on his face.
"What happened to my masseur?" she asked, frowning slightly.
The young man shrugged. "He is not here today. I will be his replacement."
He smiled, speaking with confidence. "But do not worry. I can assure you I am a much better masseur than he is."
He extended his hand, inviting her to lie down on the table. "Just lie down, relax, and I will do all the work," he said with a smile, a predatory glint in his eyes.
Willow hesitated for a few seconds, but in the end, she did not care who gave her the massage. She lay down on the massage table.
After all, what was the worst that could happen?
[Important: Read the author's note]
—//—
Author's Note:
Writing helps me relieve stress, and I really needed to write something today, even if it was short and full of mistakes. As an apology, below I'm leaving an idea for a fanfic I had discarded and never published. I hope you like it!
—//—
Title: Another stupid Harry Potter fanfic
[The Dursley Family Home]
In the Dursley household, on July 24th, everyone was going through what seemed like a perfectly normal morning, unaware that this day would mark a radical change in their lives.
Harry was finishing up Vernon Dursley's breakfast without the slightest hint of motivation. As soon as he was done, he grabbed the frying pan by the handle and walked over to the table where Vernon was sitting.
"Done," he said begrudgingly, dumping the entire contents straight onto the plate. A stick of butter wrapped in bacon landed with a dull thud: Vernon's favorite breakfast.
"Hope you enjoy it, disgusting pig," he added, unable to stop himself.
Vernon's forehead wrinkled instantly. His face began to turn red as he watched Harry turn his back on him with complete indifference.
"THIS IS MY HOUSE, BOY, AND YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH THE RESPECT I DESERVE!"
Harry stopped dead in his tracks. He let out a long sigh, clearly exhausted, and slowly turned around. "I hope you enjoy your meal, disgusting pig… sir."
Vernon's expression softened immediately. He picked up his cutlery and started eating without another word. "That's much better. I don't tolerate disrespect in my house."
He spoke with his mouth full, spreading butter and grease all over the table. An absolute mess, but no one seemed to care. Petunia and Dudley kept eating as if nothing were happening.
"Hope you don't have a heart attack," Harry muttered as he walked away.
Vernon turned his head, still chewing. "What did you say, boy… ARG!"
He didn't finish the sentence. His hand flew to his chest and the pain doubled him over instantly.
"AHHHH!"
He collapsed to the floor with a heavy thud, writhing as he suffered a heart attack. Petunia and Dudley didn't even look up from their plates. Harry, for his part, calmly headed toward the front door to check the mail, completely ignoring Vernon's body on the floor.
He flipped through letter after letter without interest until one caught his attention. It bore a shield-shaped symbol divided into four quadrants.
Unfortunately, he didn't get the chance to open it.
Dudley, defying every known law of physics, moved his greasy body at an alarming speed and snatched it away from him.
"Harry's got a letter! Harry's got a letter!" he shouted over and over as he ran into the kitchen, his natural habitat.
Vernon, now standing as if nothing had happened, took the letter from his son's hand, incredulous.
"It can't be possible for him to get a letter. He has no one who would send him one."
Harry stepped closer, annoyed. "Why the fuck do you care whether I have someone sending me letters or not. Also, weren't you having a heart attack?"
Vernon smiled smugly and let out a low laugh. "Who do you think I am, boy? I've been having heart attacks since before you were born… AGR—"
His words were cut off when a second heart attack, in less than ten minutes and nearly breaking his own record, struck him again and sent him back to the floor.
Petunia, who had already finished eating, intercepted the letter before Harry could grab it. She opened it herself, reading in silence.
"Do you hate your children, or the asshole you're legally obligated to keep alive?"
Petunia nodded without realizing it.
"Do you want to get rid of them, see them suffer, and is your name Petunia?"
She nodded again, more and more surprised each time. It almost seemed as if the letter had been written specifically for her.
"Do you have a husband one calorie away from turning into a walrus and a nephew with a scar on his forehead? Is your ass sagging, and are you having a physical affair with the pool cleaner?"
Petunia's gaze sharpened instantly. "Hey!" she protested, annoyed, giving herself a quick slap on the ass just to check. "My ass is not sagging," she thought, before continuing to read.
"Well then, what better idea than sending those pests to Hogwarts? The minimum-security magical boarding school, where the chances of death are objectively high."
Petunia felt genuinely interested.
The parchment continued to lay out the proposal with enthusiasm. The place was surrounded by a Forbidden Forest filled with deadly creatures, aggressive animals, and giant spiders. It also had a lake that housed a giant squid, with a rather unclear track record regarding missing children.
And if that didn't do the trick, the castle itself offered constant hazards.
Staircases that randomly changed positions and could drop students several meters. Unsupervised animals roaming the corridors. Trolls in the dungeons. Negligent teachers with an extremely flexible concept of the word safety.
In short, Hogwarts was the worst possible place to study.
Petunia was about to accept without thinking twice, but she stopped herself for a second.
"Wait a moment," she whispered. "Do I have to pay anything?"
The contents of the parchment changed immediately.
"No."
Petunia couldn't help but smile. She turned to look at Harry, who was still standing there, tense, waiting for her to give his letter back.
"Pack your things, boy. You're going to Hogwarts."
—/—
Several days later, Harry stood in front of the Dursleys' house with his suitcase full of his few belongings. According to the letter's instructions, someone would come that day to pick him up and take him to buy everything he needed for Hogwarts.
Petunia was standing beside him. Not to make sure he was okay, but to confirm that he would piss off with whoever showed up.
It didn't take long before they both heard the muffled sound of an engine.
Following the noise, they looked up. A flying motorcycle appeared in the sky. Riding it was what looked like a massive vagrant, with a thick beard and a completely unkempt appearance. He wasn't flying in a straight line. The bike wobbled dangerously from side to side as it descended at full speed.
Its trajectory was aimed straight at the house across the street, right where Arabella Figg was stepping outside to grab her morning newspaper.
Harry opened his mouth to shout a warning… but stopped halfway, remembering that he couldn't care less what happened to that old woman.
As expected, the motorcycle slammed into Arabella, sending her flying several meters back toward her house. Her body crashed through the window, glass exploding in every direction.
"I'm fine!" a voice shouted from inside the house.
Petunia rolled her eyes. "Nobody cares!" she snarled.
Immediately after, she kicked Harry, shoving him toward the strange man on the motorcycle.
Harry stumbled, regained his balance, and turned to look at her. "You can't seriously be expecting me to go with that drunk, right?"
He looked at the newcomer, who was bent over on Arabella's lawn, violently vomiting.
Petunia shrugged. "That's not my problem. All I know is that from this moment on, and for the next few months, you're not my problem."
With those words, she shut the door without another thought. The sound of the lock echoed loud and final.
Harry sighed. He picked up his suitcase and walked over to the drunk who was still leaning against the motorcycle.
"Are you my ride?"
The man straightened up slowly. He was huge, far more than he had seemed from a distance. He nodded a couple of times while wiping the vomit off his beard with the back of his hand.
"Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of Hogwarts and your guide."
Harry looked him up and down. Up close, he looked even worse. "Are you sure you can drive like this?"
Hagrid nodded several times in a row. "I'm not drunk enough that I can't drive."
As he said it, he pulled a flask from inside his coat and took several long swigs.
"Now I am very drunk to drive," he laughed, dropping himself into the passenger seat.
He looked at Harry completely at ease as he settled in. "What are you waiting for to get on?" he asked, pointing at the driver's seat with his finger.
"I don't even have a driver's license," Harry replied without moving.
Hagrid grinned, clearly amused. "Neither do I. Now get on. I'll guide you. Don't be a little scared bitch."
Harry narrowed his eyes. Nobody called him a little scared bitch and got away with it. Without hesitating, he climbed into the driver's seat and put on the aviator goggles.
"Just press here, turn the key, and hit the gas," Hagrid explained, pointing at the controls.
Harry followed the instructions. He started the motorcycle and accelerated… but instead of moving forward, it lurched backward.
The bike shot back and slammed into Arabella, who had come out once again for her newspaper, the same one she never managed to grab. The woman went flying back into her house, crashing through the same broken window as before.
"I'm fine!" she shouted from inside.
"NOBODY CARES!" Harry and Hagrid shouted at the same time.
Harry tried again, and this time the motorcycle moved forward properly. They lifted into the daylight, drawing the stares of several people who had no logical explanation for what they were witnessing.
—/—
The trip lasted several hours, mostly because Hagrid forgot the way more than once. Even so, they managed to reach Diagon Alley.
Harry managed to land the motorcycle without killing anyone in the process.
"Good job, boy," Hagrid said as he got off and started walking.
Harry followed him. "Where are we going?" he asked, curious.
Hagrid didn't stop, but he turned his head to look at him. "Your Hogwarts supplies aren't going to pay for themselves. We're going to get money."
"I don't have any money," Harry said, certain he didn't have a single coin to his name.
Hagrid stopped dead in his tracks and turned fully to face him, his voice sounding serious for the first time. "Harry, do you really think your parents would leave you in this world without even a single knut?"
Harry's eyes lit up for a moment at the mention of money. "They left me something?"
Hagrid nodded, proud. "Not just something. Hundreds of galleons."
…
An awkward silence followed.
"Unfortunately," Hagrid continued, "they left the vault key with me… and I don't know where I put it. So we can't take anything out."
The excitement vanished from Harry's face almost instantly, replaced by a palpable anger.
"Then where the hell are we supposed to get money from!?" he asked, clearly pissed off.
Hagrid raised both hands, trying to calm him down. "Easy there, lad. I've got a secret method."
[Gringotts]
The massive doors of Gringotts burst open and two figures stormed into the bank, each wearing a balaclava that covered their faces.
"Nobody move, this is a robbery!" Hagrid and Harry shouted at the same time.
The two goblins at the counter reacted immediately, trying to activate the alarm. They didn't get the chance.
Hagrid moved with surprising speed and struck them with his umbrella, snapping their necks in the process. "Quick, Harry. Just like I told you."
Harry didn't hesitate. He stepped up to one of the fallen goblins and followed the instructions without thinking. He pulled out a knife and began peeling the goblin's face off the corpse, then placed it over his own face.
Hagrid did exactly the same.
"You seriously think this is going to work?" Harry asked as they moved forward.
Hagrid shrugged. "You relax. Nothing's going to happen. These goblins are stupid."
They walked together toward the vaults. They passed several goblins along the way, none of whom seemed to notice anything strange about a three-meter-tall "goblin" and another one-meter-seventy "goblin" striding confidently along, their faces lightly bleeding.
"What did I tell you? They're stupid," Hagrid laughed as they kept moving down the corridor.
"HALT!" two goblin guards shouted, raising their weapons as they intercepted them in front of a vault. "What are your intentions?"
Harry tilted his head slightly toward Hagrid. "What do we do now?" he asked in a low voice, quiet enough that only Hagrid could hear him.
Hagrid calmly raised one hand. "Relax. I've got this under control."
He stepped forward. "Hello, goblin friends. It's our break, so we came to rub our naked bodies against the stupid wizards' galleons."
The guards fell silent. They looked at each other for a fairly long second… and then lowered their weapons.
"Oh. Well, if that's all, no problem," one of them said, while the other began opening the vault without asking any further questions.
Both of them went inside, and the door closed behind them.
"Ahh…" one of the goblins sighed from outside. "I can't wait for it to be my turn to rub my naked body against the galleons."
Minutes later, Harry and Hagrid exited the vault, each carrying a bag full of galleons.
The same goblin guards stopped them again. "Hey. What are you carrying there?"
Hagrid gave Harry a hard slap on the back, forcing him to step forward.
"Uh… trash?"
The goblin narrowed his eyes. "And why would there be trash inside the vault?"
Harry shrugged. "I wonder the same thing. I don't know why I have to be the one who takes out the trash."
The goblins looked at each other again… and lowered their weapons.
"We'll report this to the bosses. I'll personally make sure they whip whoever's responsible for the cleaning."
With the matter settled, Hagrid and Harry quickly walked away, leaving Gringotts without any trouble.
That night, both of them would celebrate their success with beer and with women.
—//—
Author's Note 2:
Did you like it? Maybe not? Personally, I had a lot of fun writing it. Feel free to leave a comment, I'd love to read them.
Kisses and hugs!!!