It's been two weeks since Rafael told me about his breakup with Mary, and since then, I haven't talked to him even once. And it's not because I hate him. I just... I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I think sometimes when you want something so badly, when the time finally comes and you get it, you don't know how to react. You just... don't know how to take it. You become numb. Like... you just don't know what to do at all. And that's what's happening to me right now. I've always wanted him. Yeah, I have. And now that I feel like I've finally got a chance to be with him, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'll be betraying my friendship with Mary, and I mean, I've already done enough. I've betrayed my sister by making out with her boyfriend. Well, yeah, her boyfriend. Even though they had just broken up, I knew he was my sister's ex-boyfriend, and I was there making out with him. It wasn't even the next day. It was the same day. And now it's my friend's ex-boyfriend. I feel like this is a lot for me, and I don't know. I just want to have a minute. I just need a minute.
While am I still thinking , my phone buzzed, and a notification appeared on the screen reminding me that tomorrow was Rafael's birthday. I hadn't even made peace with the fact that he was single now, and already it was his birthday. In our friend circle, it's kind of a tradition to celebrate everyone's birthday, so of course, tomorrow was Rafael's birthday. And I'm still here with Mom in Paris. She hasn't talked to me yet. Thank God she's been eating these past two weeks, but still, not a word. I leave the food for her, and she eats it, but she doesn't talk to me. And how am I supposed to go back to Germany and leave Mom here alone? This is going to be so fucking crazy. And for fuck's sake, Elliot is going to be there, and I know Regina is going too. I mean, my friends like her, and I can't stop them from inviting her, so she's going to be there. I haven't even prepared a gift for him. It's been two weeks. I've been ignoring his texts and calls, and what exactly am I supposed to do now? I just feel like I need... I just need everything to stop. I need a break from all of this, from this whole thing. I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy, you know? I don't know if I've told you in detail, but these past two weeks, I've been lying in bed all day. All day. No showering, just lying in bed, watching Legacies, and eating nothing but junk food. No wonder I probably look like a monkey. If it hadn't been for Mom, whom I still have to cook for every day, I think I'd be what... a fucking cripple by now? Because I can't imagine staying in bed for two weeks without getting up. Oh, God. And I've been ignoring all my friends. It's not just Rafael. Leah too and everyone. I've been ignoring everyone. My phone is always on airplane mode, and I haven't even... Jesus. This is a lot. I can't take this. I can't take this.
Still lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I tried to do nothing but breathe. Someone knocked on my bedroom door. It couldn't be Regina because she couldn't come home without telling me first, especially now when things were already so complicated. And it couldn't be my brothers. They couldn't just show up without saying they were coming. And Mom? Could Mom actually get out of bed and come to my room? Or had someone gotten into the house? Okay. Okay, whatever. "Yes, come in." The door opened slowly, and for God's sake, it was Mom. "Mom?" I didn't even know how to feel. For all these days, I had been waiting for Mom to come out of her room. Waiting for her to open that door. Waiting for her to look at me, even if she didn't say anything. And now she was standing right there in my bedroom. I immediately got off the bed and hugged her, tightly. My eyes filled with tears, and so did hers. There was nothing to say. We just stood there holding each other, like we were both afraid that if we let go, one of us would disappear again. For a moment, I wondered if she was even breathing. She pulled away slightly, looked at me, then hugged me again. I could tell she had been dying to do this just as much as I had. "It's okay, Mom," I whispered. "It's okay. It's going to be okay, okay? It's going to be okay." She nodded, tears running down her face. "I'm so sorry." "It's okay." "I'm so sorry, Anna." "It's okay, Mom." I held her hand and guided her toward the bed. "Come on. Let's sit down. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain anything. You don't know how long I've been waiting for this." She sat beside me, and I looked at her. "Just tell me if you're okay. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it. Whatever it is. Even if you want to go to the USA right now. Even if you want to go somewhere far away. Just tell me, and I'll do it." She looked at me for a moment before speaking. "Well, Anna... I actually came to tell you something. Your aunt called me." "My aunt?" She nodded. "She said she can take me in. We don't have to stay here alone. She said Regina is there too, so you won't have to be alone. I can stay with your aunt, and she said she'll take care of me." I listened quietly. "And you can just do your thing," she continued. "I know most of your friends will be there, so it shouldn't be such a bad decision, right?" "Yeah. Of course. That would actually be great." But then I looked at her. "The most important thing is that you'll have someone close to you. That's all I want. I just want you to be fine. When you're fine, I'll be fine. When you're happy, I'll be happy." She smiled through her tears. "Thank God." I hugged her again. Then she pulled away and looked at me carefully. "Anna?" "Yeah?" "What happened to you?" I frowned. "What do you mean?" "You don't look like yourself." I sighed. "Oh, Mom. For these two weeks, I've basically been living like this. Lying in bed, watching movies, doing nothing." "I know." "It's nothing. Maybe I was just tired." "Anna." "Mom..." "Anna." I knew that tone. I looked down. "Okay, fine." I took a breath. "Rafael told me he broke up with Mary. And I've been ignoring him for two weeks because... I don't know what to say to him." Mom didn't interrupt. "I was just so stressed. I ignored all my friends. And you weren't talking to me either. So, yeah..." I shrugged. "It was rough for me, you know?" She reached for my hand. "But now that you're finally out of your room..." I smiled at her. "I think I'm okay." "And I'm sorry." She studied my face for a moment. "Are you sure you're okay? I can make an appointment for you with my therapist. She's really good. She can help." "No, Mom." "Are you sure?" "Yeah. I'm good." She kept looking at me. "I'm fine." "Well, if you're fine, then I'm making dinner." I laughed softly. "Or we can just go out," she added. "But first, you need to shower and change." "Okay." "I want you to be human again." I laughed. "Then I'll take you out when you look good." "Fine." I hugged her one more time and kissed her cheek before she left. Then I went straight to the bathroom. I had actually been dying to shower. Sometimes I felt silly for not wanting to do something as simple as taking a shower, but at the same time, I had missed the feeling of standing under hot water, then putting on clean pajamas and climbing into clean sheets. It was so refreshing, and I really missed it. Going out alone with Mom felt just as strange. It had been years since the two of us had gone somewhere together, just the two of us. But somehow, after everything that had happened, the thought of it felt... good. Really good.
After showering, getting dressed, I stood in front of the mirror and kept things simple. I'm not really a fan of makeup anymore. I used to love it, but now I don't like wearing too much. A little lip gloss is enough for me. For my outfit, I went with my cottage skirt, a white tank top, and my long woven brown sweater that reached just below my hips. Brown is my color, so honestly, you didn't even need to ask what I was wearing. I finished everything with my usual sandals, and that was it. Simple. Comfortable.
By the time we got to the restaurant, I realized just how hungry I actually was. I had been eating nothing but junk food for the past two weeks, so I suddenly felt like I could eat everything on the menu. Mom laughed when she saw me looking through it. "So, Anna, what do you want to eat?" "I've been eating so much junk lately, so I'll just have a salad. And... what else? A cold Sprite would be fine." Mom raised an eyebrow. "That's all?" "For now." "And what about me?" "Mom, please. Just eat whatever you want. Don't worry about me." She smiled. "Okay. I know you." I smiled back, but then she suddenly remembered something. "Oh, I heard your aunt say that Regina told her she was going to a party tomorrow. Do you know anything about that?" Here we go. I already knew where this was going. "Yeah. I mean... it's Rafael's birthday." "Oh. Cool, cool, cool." She looked at me. "Anna?" "What?" "So what are you going to do? You're going, right?" I immediately shook my head. "Mom, please. I'm not going." "Anna, he is your friend, right? So why don't you want to go to your friend's birthday?" I looked down at the table. "He was there for yours, remember? Last year, he came to your birthday. So why don't you want to go to his?" "Mom..." "Don't make it complicated. Just go there, take him a gift, and you don't have to say much. Just tell him happy birthday and give him the gift. If he wants to talk to you about anything else, he'll talk to you, okay?" "I don't want to." "Anna, please. When have I ever advised you to do something bad?" I sighed. "Never." "Exactly. So listen to me this time. All you have to do is find something simple. Something funny, something stupid, something you know he'll like. Then just go." I stared at her for a moment before finally giving in. "Okay, fine. I'll go." Mom smiled. "Good." "I'll go there. It's okay." "See? It isn't so hard." I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help smiling.
After dinner, we went back home and started packing. Apparently, we were going to spend the whole summer at my auntie's place, so we had to get everything ready. We were leaving in the morning. Somehow, saying it in my head made everything feel real. Tomorrow, I would leave Paris, go back to Germany, see everyone again, and face Rafael after two weeks of ignoring him. I didn't know how any of that was going to go. But there was no turning back now. I looked around my room one last time before closing my suitcase. "See you in Germany."