Senju Park, Konohagakure. 10:43 AM.
Naruto and Minato ducked under the barrier tape the ANBU had set up to cordon off the crime scene in Senju Park. Medics from the nearby hospital and investigators from the military police were already on site, along with a few more familiar faces.
"Another victim of the Boobie Kid," Minato said, shaking his head sadly as he watched two white-clad medic-nin drape a blanket over a shivering Inuzuka Hana's shoulders and press a warm mug of cocoa into her hands. "Whoever they are, the Boobie Kid must be brought to justice as soon as possible… or Jiraiya-sama will have my head."
This attack has Sakura-chan written all over it, Naruto thought to himself. I hope she knows what she's doing, y'know… He stepped away from his father to see how far Team 10 had got with their investigation. Ino was busy comforting the victim— who was apparently Kiba's older sister— while Shikamaru and Chōji paced the perimeter of the crime scene, searching for clues.
"I see, I see…" Shikamaru said, nodding to himself smartly and rubbing his chin as he surveyed his surroundings with a judgmental eye. "…Nah, I don't get it."
"That's 'cause you're an idiot, Shika," Chōji sighed. "Man, what a drag…"
For some reason, the Shikamaru in this reality was a few sandwiches short of a picnic. It was as though he'd sneezed out his frontal lobe and Chōji had eaten it before he could stuff it back inside through his nose, because Chōji had somehow taken his place as the smart one. The evidence lay in the fact that he was no longer pleasantly plump; no doubt his newfound intellect had enabled him to devise a diet he could actually stick to.
"Menma," Chōji called out suddenly. "You look as though you're entertaining some rather interesting thoughts. Care to share your insight with the rest of the class?"
Naruto wasn't sure which would take more getting used to: people calling him Menma, or a thin Chōji stringing together multiple words of more than three syllables into a coherent sentence… without spraying potato crisp crumbs all over himself each time he opened his mouth.
"M-me? I'm just tagging along with my dad," Naruto spluttered. "Ya know?"
Chōji gave a little grunt of disbelief before returning to his examination of the crime scene. He bent down and plucked a blade of grass and held it up to his eye, before flicking it away.
"Charring consistent with the discharge of a lightning style jutsu… a powerful one, too, but the victim is basically unharmed, apart from the missing breast tissue…" he muttered, studying the zigzagging, lightning-bolt patterns of discoloured grass scarring the lawn of Senju Park. "And the Inuzuka clan members who closed in on the suspect reported hearing an extremely loud, strident sound… one that no one else in the vicinity heard… hmm… how does it all fit together…?"
"Looks like you need some help, you brats."
Naruto's eyes widened in shock as he watched Sarutobi Asuma stroll through the ANBU's security cordon as if he owned the place, puffing away on his cigarette as he made his way over to Chōji. Apparently, he was still alive in this reality!
"We've got the matter well in hand, sensei," Chōji said, wrinkling his nose as the smell of cigarette smoke wafted across on the morning breeze. "And you're shedding cigarette ashes everywhere, compromising my crime scene."
Shikamaru laughed dumbly.
"Look out, sensei's gonna say something racist again," he said. "Five, four, three…"
"I see you've already correctly identified the charring pattern as the result of lightning style ninjutsu," Asuma said, taking a long drag from his cigarette. "On a perhaps not entirely unrelated note, did you know that, despite making up only thirteen per cent of the ninja population, Kumo-nin account for fifty-two per cent of Hōzuki Prison's inmates?"
Chōji rolled his eyes.
"What? It's not racist to notice patterns, is it?" Asuma said defensively. "Besides, back in my father's day, nobody minded saying things as they saw them…"
"Can someone get Asuma-sensei out of here?" Chōji called. "Hopefully before he starts ranting about women?"
Naruto goggled as two ANBU operatives frog-marched Asuma away. To think that, after dying such an unceremonious death in the real world, his next appearance would be this rather disgraceful display for a one-off joke.
Chōji fixed Naruto with a penetrating stare.
"Say, Menma…" he said slowly. "Do you remember what we talked about yesterday, in the baths?"
Naruto tilted his head to the side in confusion. He hadn't gone to the hot springs, he'd bathed at home; so, he told Chōji as much. His thin friend must have been misremembering things, he rationalised.
"Chōji-kun," Ino said as she jogged over to the boys' side. "I had a little chat with Miss Hana, and she says the criminal is a girl… she could tell by her smell, apparently. Oh, and the medics found this stabbed into her collarbone."
Ino handed him two halves of a pink needle, one half still attached to a small, silver bell.
"I've seen this material before, when I went to help seal away the Three-Tails…" Ino explained. "It was created using the Crystal Style Kekkei Genkai— one of Orochimaru's underlings was the ability holder."
"Bell senbon…" Chōji said softly, giving the bell a small flick to make it jingle. "I haven't seen one of these since the Chūnin Exams…"
"Really?" Shikamaru said, scratching his head. "I don't remember…"
"Well, you should, moron!" Chōji snapped. "That Sound-nin kunoichi you faced in the third-round qualifiers kicked your arse using this very weapon… wait, that's it!"
The coincidences were piling up. The Hidden Sound Village was owned by Orochimaru, the sound-based ninjutsu that attacked the hearing of the Inuzuka clan and their ninken… and the Crystal Style kunoichi serving under Orochimaru…
"The footsteps lead to Naka River, which runs through Senju Park and the entire length of the village…" Chōji said thoughtfully. "If the Boobie Kid realised she was being tracked using scent, she would definitely have tried masking her odour using the river."
"It's a shame the Inuzuka clan's ears were still ringing at the time from the criminal's jutsu," Ino pointed out timidly. "Their hearing is excellent, so they would have noticed if she'd dived in or walked across, even if they couldn't get there in time to see her… also, can we stop calling her… that? It's embarrassing to say out loud…"
The Boobie Kid was a kunoichi, which meant she would know her pursuers would expect her to walk on water… but simply pulling a Matthew 14:22-33 wouldn't be enough to wash away her scent; she knew they would continue tracking her along the riverbank until they picked up her scent again.
Given that Inuzuka Hana seemed to have caught the Boobie Kid by surprise, Chōji was about ninety-two per cent certain she would have panicked and, hearing the barking of hunting dogs closing in, dived into the Naka River to slip out of sight and nose before swimming out of the village… because otherwise, she would have looked rather conspicuous trudging through town soaked to the bone.
Having deduced this, he could now narrow the search area considerably, making it far easier for Ino, his squad's sensor-nin, to track the Boobie Kid's now-isolated chakra signature!
In Chōji's view, the smartest move would have been for the Boobie Kid to run along the river's surface for a few kilometres before slipping off on the far bank. It wouldn't have erased her scent, but it would have bought her some breathing room before the Inuzuka could pick up the trail again… enough time to melt into the crowd and douse herself in something strongly scented, like some perfume.
"It's all a matter of getting inside the opponent's head," Chōji said, tapping his temple as he finished explaining his deductions. "As long as you're smarter than your opponent, you can predict what they'll do… the cleverer they are, the more predictable they become, you see… but I'm the smartest of them all!"
"Nothing like me!" Shikamaru said proudly. "I never know what I'm gonna do next, yup!"
"Well, I'm sure you've got this in the bag," Naruto said nervously. "Good luck finding the criminal, y'know!"
Chōji's pupils contracted slightly as he watched Naruto flicker away in successive jumps, following the river as he headed… downstream.
As expected.