Hey, Folks!
How goes it?
Well, I hope.
This has been quite the long, busy, tedious month for me.
Overtime.
Annual fire drills.
Coworkers quitting.
New coworkers starting.
Just a loooooooot of go, go, go, go, go, you know?
Nothing that I can't handle, I assure you!
I am still settling into my new place and the lifestyle that comes with that.
It's been a challenge, but it has also been everything that I have asked for and wanted for so long.
One step at a time, my life is falling into place as the dust finally starts to settle...
I have been surviving for so long that I am just ready to live and enjoy my life with as little stress as possible.
I hope that 2027 brings that, and that the end of 2026 plants those seeds, as it seems to be doing.
I love and appreciate all of you for being so loyal to me and this silly little series of mine!
We just hit 266,540K English views, and an additional 114,320 in Spanish!
I don't make any money from these stories or views, but you all make me happy and inspire me to post more.
This has also been quite cathartic for me, so thank you all for that as well, as you have no idea how much mental and emotional healing you have aided me with.
You have no idea.
I hope that you all stick around till the end, and maybe even beyond it.
Who knows, my current journals may make the leap to these here pages with time, lol.
Want something more to laugh at between chapters?
Check out my Facebook, Terance Bluu Ivy, or my TikTok and Instagram: @blackguyinnabowtie
I will see you all here, there, and wherever else we are destined to cross paths!
I love and appreciate you all, and I will see you back here after this entry, yeah?
Enjoy!
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November 9th, 2013.
Journal #112.
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"I've got no strings, so I have fun.
I'm not tied up to anyone.
They've got strings,
But you can see,
There are no strings on me."
I think I'm starting to realize what I need to do.
Stop.
I need to stop.
I won't be a puppet,
I can't fall for anything.
I can't keep being
"In love" with someone who isn't in love with me,
And that's fine.
She has him.
One way or another.
And it's wrong of me to keep trying to pull that apart -whatever it may be.
She loves him, and I have no option but to accept that as fact and leave it as it is.
Because that is the right thing to do.
So, as hard as it is, I must forget my dreams and just be me.
Be the friend that I am supposed to be.
That is where I belong,
And it sucks.
It hurts,
But there is no room for me, and I won't try to make room.
"Some women can have any man they want. If she isn't with you, and she has the option of being with you, then why are you chasing her?
Part of me really believes that because of this situation.
She can have me if she wants me,
But she isn't with me,
And that's life.
Other people can always see things from a different angle,
And it's nice to get others' opinions when you are blind or lost.
In this battle for hearts, I've really lost myself in another world,
And that world will either chew me up and spit me out, destroying my dreams,
Or give me what I've been longing and looking for.
Crazy.
I envy XXXXX and her man.
They have a connection that very few people find in their entire lives.
I want that,
But I always want what I can't have.
Maybe I'll do what I used to do.
Stream through people till I find what I want...
What I need.
Because I have no idea what that is.
I know what I want...
But what we want isn't always what we need.
I don't know what to think...
All I know is I need to stop being in plays of people around me and take a part on my own stage...
Because opening and closing the curtains is not much fun,
And fighting for something that I want so desperately but can't and possibly never will have...
Is painful.
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Hmm...
What a lengthy post, lbvs.
Where to start?
- Pinocchio was and still is my favorite Disney character. I've always felt like I wasn't quite human, or maybe just not Black enough...
Or both, quite honestly.
Growing up as an educated Black person seems to be such a strange and rare thing on this planet, and we "Nerdy" Black folk get treated as if we are the craziest thing people have ever seen.
Things are a bit different in 2026, where knowledge seems to be lauded and actually appreciated; nonetheless, to be Black and smart can be alienating and even dangerous.
- I knew I needed to be done with trying to love her and looking for her affection.
I knew she didn't want anything serious to do with me outside of sex and the things I could buy her.
Well, I came to realize those last two a bit later, but still, I knew pretty early on that I was wasting my time in pursuing her romantically.
I just wanted her so bad.
So very, very bad.
I wanted to love her.
I wanted her to love me.
I wanted her to love me like she had loved her ex, and more.
I wanted her to want me.
To need me.
I was blinded partially by my own lust and love, but more by her lies and manipulation.
She read every page of this journal WHILE it was being written, or shortly after the entry was done, often times within days of its completion.
She had him in her heart, and undoubtedly in her bed, while I was trapped in the palm of her hand.
She never wanted ME, just what I could do for her physically and emotionally.
I was far too good a catch to let slip away, even though she didn't care for what she had caught.
A wasted fish.
I was a perfectly polished pawn on her board game.
- As you can see, I kept trying to talk myself into just letting it all go and staying in the friend zone, you know?
As you can see, she never let me. She had the advantage in every way, and letting her read my journals was just handing her a map to my mind and heart.
I was a fool.
She took advantage of that vulnerability.
That love.
She used it and me for just over 11 years.
Bah.
Even after I left her, she managed to stay in my life and even in my bed for another year and a half or so...
I am ashamed to admit that, but she played on my love languages of touch and acts of service.
She would bring me things that I loved, and she would always -if not most times- offer her body to me, and I would take it, missing not only touching her, but the ghost of the old feelings that came with that action...
I was trapped.
- That quote was from an old friend of mine whose bridge I had to burn.
He was... Well, I had thought of him as a pretty good friend before that point, but he had said this while we were on talking terms, and it had slipped right past me at the time.
She could have had me, and she didn't want ME.
It took me from 2013 to 2022 to finally see that, and an additional almost two years to gut her roots from my system.
- I was blinded by her beauty, her body, and her false and hollow words.
I was lost in her perpetually dark and cold world, consequently.
Right where she wanted me.
I would have or could have had a wife, kids, a house, and who knows what else, you know?
But hey, I still will always believe that everything happens and/or doesn't happen for a reason.
I am a better man for having gone through all I did.
I was chewed up and spit out, but I rebuilt myself into a stronger version of me, and I wrote six books.
I think I came out of it pretty good, if not a bit more battered.
- I was initially jealous of her best friend's relationship, but I quickly came to realize that she was just using the guy she was with.
Maybe I should have looked a bit closer at the woman I was idolizing, lbvs.
Birds of a feather flock together, or so they say!
- I definitely started "streaming through people" after I left my ex.
I was lost and hurt and lonely and looking for something to fill the gaping wound where my heart had once been.
I know at least 22 women I met and slept with from 2022 till earlier this year.
22 women.
I was chasing everything I had "missed out on" while with her, and I got it all.
Most of it, at least.
Of all of those women, I only dated three.
The rest?
I was proudly nothing more than a sexual tool.
A fun night.
A getaway from stress, pain, and life.
I let myself be nothing and everything to anyone I liked the look of.
It was liberating.
It was cathartic.
It was exhilarating, lonely, chaotic, fun, and so much more.
It was not what I wanted.
I wanted, want, and now have one lover.
One.
One person to love, hold, and cherish.
One person to adore.
I know what I do and don't want.
I am building all of that from the rubble that I pulled myself from back in 2022.
I am on my own stage now at the tail end of 37 years one, you know?
No more fighting for love or chasing it.
Thank you all for joining me again for another entry here at O.J.M!
I HOPE YOU ALL LOVE THE NEW BOOK COVER! I DID IT MYSELF!
I WILL HAVE ONE MADE FOR MY LOVING AND LOYAL SPANISH READERS AS WELL VERY SOON!
I love and appreciate each and every one of you, and I hope to see you all back here in a few days, yeah?
If you found this series via TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook, welcome to the chaos of my world!
LMAOOOOOO!
I will see you all soon, yeah?
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.