Hey there, Folks.
I hope that you all have been well, yeah?
I hope that we all made it safely through that crazy cold snap that crossed our nation!
It's been a bitter winter already, and that stupid groundhog seems to have cursed us with several more weeks of crap!
Who the hell said we had to listen to that thing, of all animals!?
Why do we take his word for solid when the damned thing can't even talk?
Bah, lol.
Americans are strange folk, I tell ya.
As for me?
Keeping things positive!
I've been feeling good mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I plan on doing my best to keep it that way.
I told myself at the end of last year that I would do my best to make this year an amazing one.
So far, so good!
Thank you all for being here with me, and I hope that you all have an equally amazing year!
I will shut the hell up and let you all get to the good stuff, yeah?
I love you all dearly, and I will see you back here soon enough.
Enjoy.
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September 11th, 2013.
Journal #090.
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So...
Where do I start?
We kinda held hands.
God, this sounds like the mind of a 14-year-old!
But seriously...
In that moment, I feel like I fell 15 years back in time...
In that moment, when my eyes met hers, we sailed off to nowhere and everywhere all at once...
Somehow "here" and "there" just disappeared, lol.
I wonder if she feels the same magic I feel at the same time I feel it?
We might just be becoming something that neither of us even thought we could be.
I have no solution to the millions of tiny problems that float between us... But the answer is there.
Just...
What is it?
"I... want to get free.
Talk to me.
I can feel you falling.
I... wanted to be
All you need.
Somehow, here is gone."
-Here is gone. The Goo Goo Dolls.
Amazing song.
I think that when she is around, I feel a strange energy.
It makes me giggle when she touches me or looks a certain way.
It's because I keep thinking I am going to wake up.
Yeah... I'm crazy.
But if I were to wake up...
I think the real world would be so grey and dull without her.
I couldn't imagine a world like that.
She's a very weird person in some ways.
Just ways.
I can feel the questions about that coming, lol.
Her heart still dances with him.
It's understandable, six years is so long.
She talks about him, and a part of me just burns, lol.
But I suppose I should thank him.
Strangely.
Because he made her even more beautiful for all of the good and bad that he put her through.
So much stronger.
I would love to just open her head and look inside.
See the scars she hides.
See the battlefield her heart and mind are on.
See how I look through her eyes.
XXXXX...
XXXXX was my XXXXX...
Only it was 2 1/2 years...
She burned me down...
She really destroyed me more than anyone before or after...
I can still feel the scars catch fire where her sword tore through my chest into my heart...
I can still feel the breaks in my mind where her hooks dug in and pulled me apart.
I can still taste her lips sometimes when I light a new cigarette...
I really hide the scars I have with all of my nerdiness, and jokes, and laughter, lol.
It's crazy how one person can take a castle down with just a word...
But I'm much stronger from it all, yeah?
I think sometimes I say that just to make myself feel better,
But it's 80% true.
I AM strong.
I just...
This armor is not as shiny as it used to be.
It's caked in blood, tears, mud.
It's been used and dented and broken so deeply that I should be a bad guy.
But that's not me.
I'll always be a knight.
As long as there is a queen to save.
As long as there is a dragon to kill.
I'll be...
P.S.
She said, "There is nothing to drink!"
I can't explain how my mind flipped when I seen her in her pajamas, lol.
Peel back all of the chains and armor, and she is even more beautiful when she is vulnerable...
I couldn't even think about sex.
Just relaxing.
A movie.
A drink...
In a boy's dream...
P.P.S.
What does that even mean!?
Whatever.
I think she's starting to realize that me being crazy is actually good for me, lol.
I think that I'm glad my mind works the crazy ways it does, or I'd be a very different man.
I'm a changed man.
A better man.
My past is dark...
But I'm much better.
Just ask, I'll explain.
-End.
(No, really this time.)
-----
Hmm.
- I was very much falling in love. Being so childish over just holding someone's hand is definitely a sign of such a thing, lol.
There was no magic in it for her, just a realization that I was a very kind, giving, compassionate man, and that I would give her the world without her having to ask.
She learned very quickly that she could use me, and I was blind to it.
- Want to know something that I learned recently? The song "Here Is Gone" by the Goo Goo Dolls is actually more of a love-sick sing than it is a love song.
The irony, right?
Look up the lyrics, and you'll quickly come to see that the singer is essentially begging for attention and the chance to love her, despite all of the pain she has gone through, and all of the lies he continues to tell him to keep him around.
Wild...
Sounds quite familiar, you know?
Hmm.
- I found life to be very grey for some time after I felt her. Why? Because I was just so used to her being part of my day-to-day life, not because of the lack of presence. I thought I needed her, and she let me believe that while syphoning as much from me as she could.
Anything and everything that benefited her, she took.
She took and muddied my love of life, love, and laughter.
My colors.
It has taken me nearly four years to rediscover that part of me and heal it back to a point where it again is healthy and functional.
- When it came to her ex, I only knew about him what she told me, and I am sure nearly 90% of that was bullshit. I am sure that he cheated on her, yes. Do I condone that? No. Do I understand why he would have been pushed and tempted to do so? Yes.
Yes, I do.
She was cruel, hurtful, dismissive, uncaring, manipulative, condescending, and so much more, and that was all toward me.
Cheating wouldn't have fixed any of that, so I left.
But seeing how she constantly contacted me after we broke up, and all of the shitty, selfish things she did, I can imagine that it probably wasn't the easiest to get away from her...
I remember going to her place to get something I had left behind after we had broken up, and we sat and talked for a bit outside.
I can't recall what exactly was all said, but I had to emphasize the fact that I was single to her several times, and you know what she said?
"Okay, okay... YOU are single."
That is crazy.
That is delusional.
I made it a point to never go back to that house ever again.
I chose to block her on any and every platform for my own mental and emotional health.
- Had I been able to look into her head, I would have seen enough to make me leave her alone well over 10 years ago. I would have seen how she saw me, as a cash grab... As a foolish, love-blinded Knight who was willingly giving her anything and everything.
I am glad that I never did, and never could.
Not because of what I've been through, but because I wouldn't be who I am now, and you all wouldn't have this little series to read.
- One of my exes really did a number on me.
She used me and tossed me aside just as soon as she was done.
I told that gothic girl about her.
I told her about how she had broken me.
Guess who thought it would be a good and fun idea to take what I went through with that last woman, and do it ten times worse, and for almost literally ten years longer.
Sheesh.
- I quit smoking cigarettes a long while ago, and I have been much better off for it. I had tried to stop several times while I was engaged to her, but she didn't care to help or support me in it, and she smoked nearly a pack a day.
- As some of you may have picked up, I still have a tendency to mask my pain and discomfort in humor, lol.
It is best that way, and it works, does it not!?
I am just fine as I am, you know?
I am quite sure of it.
- I've been used a lot in my life, and I never thought that she would add herself to the list of people whose bridges I've had to burn away.
She read my journals.
Hung out at my house every other day.
Let me get close and vulnerable.
She "Got comfortable, and knew I would never leave."
What a piece of work.
- Despite all that, this Knight's armor is still quite functional, you know? It will be until the day I die, I suppose, and all dragons around me will continue to be a threat just as well.
I don't think that chivalry will ever truly die.
I will leave you all at that, and I really hope to see you all back here for the next one!
Take care of yourselves out there, Folks, and I will do my best to do the same.
I love you all, and I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.