Hey, Folks.
How goes it?
I hope life has been treating you all well.
As for me?
Well... It has been one hell of a year.
A wild, weird, wondrous year.
For better, mostly.
You all have been here and hella loyal!
My job has been going well, and I am due for a promotion!
I've met someone who I really, really, really, really like.
I pray that all goes well in all of these endeavors of mine, you know?
I love you all.
I love my job.
I want to love this woman.
I really just want to win in love just once, you know?
Just once.
I know that I've missed some amazing opportunities with some phenomenal women...
I just ask the Universe for one last try here, Folks, lol.
Please... Send me all of your positive energy, will ya?
I don't ask for much, you know?
I just want to love and be loved.
I don't think that this is too much to ask for.
I think I mentioned that I had met an amazing Colombian woman not so long ago?
Mayhap that was in Dear You, lol.
Well, we didn't work out as more than just friends, and that may not even be an option.
She wanted more from me than I could offer, and vice versa...
Such is life, you know?
Sometimes what we want and what we need are two extraordinarily different things.
I wish her the best, and that she finds everything she is looking for.
I will let you all get to what you came for, yeah?
See you back here soon enough!
Enjoy!
(Hold on to your phleblaplorlaries! We have quite the trip to endure!)
-----
October 28th, 2013.
Journal #107.
-----
This weekend was interesting.
I went to a party -been a while- and a super drunk cop (girl) fell down the stairs...
Highlight of the night, I assure you.
The house was crazy.
It scared me to imagine anyone having to live there.
Yes, it was that bad...
So, XXXXX is gone for a while.
It is good and bad.
Good because I don't have to have anyone near me that's overly fond of me.
Or "aggressively" fond of me...
Bad because I actually find her pretty cool.
She is a good woman.
The worst part is being lonely...
A man or woman's greatest weakness is being alone...
Strangely, I love being alone, but not having companionship... That's the hard part.
No one to share things with.
Laughs.
Kisses.
My empty bed.
XXXXX is here, but there is a wall there that can't be crossed.
I've accepted that.
I just don't like random women...
Yes, I could EASILY have anyone over...
But that's not how I am...
That's not who I want to be.
I am not my father...
All I have from him is my name...
And I don't even like that...
She said, "Dream in color".
But it's hard sometimes when my world feels so black and white.
Because I always get half of what I want...
Yeah, story of my life.
So, that leaves me always wanting what I can't have.
I need change.
I don't know why lately, but I've been feeling this strong pull towards fatherhood and the idea of having a child.
Why?
I have no Idea...
That's another problem.
There are so few people that I would even think of going that far with,
And only one that I ever dream of.
But even in my dreams, her kids aren't mine.
Now that's pretty messed up.
How is it that even my dream world is telling me what I don't want to hear?
How is it that MY dream world is only giving me what I don't want, and showing me what I can't have...
What the fuck...
I see so much of her.
Inside and out.
I see so much of other people that I'm slowly losing myself in all of the colors, sounds, pains, and joys of others.
Where is MY life?
Who am I?
Where am I going?
I need to figure these things out and be away from what's not good for me.
Keep around what's good.
But where do I start?
-----
(I hope your phleblaplorlaries are okay! Mine fell out of the machine somewhere between 2016 and 2023... I may have to hunt it down.)
Hmm.
This was a four-page entry, lol.
I had ventured into a random Halloween costume party that I believe one of my old friends had spoken of.
It was quite the experience.
The place HAD to have been abandoned some time ago, yet the power was still on for some reason.
The doors hardly worked.
The lights flickered and fluttered with the music, but not on purpose.
Nearly every inch of every wall was covered in strange and ungodly graffiti.
There were literally holes in the first floor that you could look through and see the entirety of the floor below.
The floor below the first was more of a "Polish flat" than a basement, and it was also where the bulk of the party took place and where the music was being played.
At one point in the night, a very drunk woman who was dressed as a police officer proceeded to fall down the stairs. It was quite the sight, and she was ultimately okay, but the fall had definitely looked a lot worse than it had been.
I met a really cool woman that night that I still know this day, lol. I should send this to her!
- I met a woman who really liked me, and I let her slip away. I was so "in love" with my now ex that I not only didn't see that she was using me, I pushed away at least three amazing women who genuinely wanted to give me the world.
I was a selfish fool, I tell you...
But you know what?
I met someone a few days ago who seems to want the opportunity to do just that, and I think I won't let this one slip by so easily.
I will never be that fool again.
That woman whom I had met and subsequently pushed away had been a really good person, and she had offered me a real and enduring love. I had no idea how rare and treasured that and people like her were, you know? I was young, stupid, and falling in love with the wrong person. The timing of our meeting was just bad, you know? We had met online and hung out a few times. All had gone and was going well, and I had even detached myself from the woman whom I shouldn't have been falling for...
I had friend-zoned myself. Several times, in fact.
Unfortunately, that woman ended up leaving town for a while just as I was thinking that we could be something, and I let that gothic woman's influence seep back in...
She - the goth- had even gone so far as to talk badly about the other woman's looks and style, and she made a conscious effort to show me that she had a future for us in mind.
It was all a lie.
As you all know, she was just using me, lol.
It's not right, but it's okay.
I firmly believe that everything does and/or doesn't happen for a reason, you know?
We wouldn't be sitting here together, you and I, had I never gone through all that I have.
It's not right, but it's okay.
I ended up pushing the other woman away because I was so invested in someone who didn't have my best interest in mind.
- I still like being alone, you know? It's rather peaceful.
Maybe that comes down to who we choose as a partner, you know?
I was with the wrong one for the right amount of time, lol.
Loneliness is the hardest part of being alone.
People need people. We are an extraordinarily communicative and community-driven species.
- I had always had the charisma to attract and retain women, but I was never one for multiple companions, you know?
I have always been monogamous, and that hasn't changed. I wanted the ONE woman that I wanted, and I was quite determined, lol. I never cared for multiple partners, but to each their own, you know?
- She told me she dreamed in color, and I told her that my dreams were in black and white.
I wasn't being dramatic.
My mind is a strange place that only seems to exaggerate the important colors, and all else is just either black or white. I don't mind, but there probably is some medical or scientific term for this, lol.
- My life seems to be set up so that I only get half of things, and I have come to realize that this is mostly for the best, you know?
I only got half of her -that gothic chic- that I had wanted, and it was not the half that I would have rather had, lol.
I was with her, yes, but I was more of an accessory and less of a significant other.
Listen, Folks...
Don't fall in love with someone's potential.
What you see in them doesn't exist.
Love who you love for who they are when you meet them.
That is so much more important than you can imagine.
- I got a wave of baby fever in 2013 that has never left me since.
I was 24 years old, and my biological clock slapped me hard.
I still want a kid, you know?
But if it doesn't happen, I will settle for an amazing woman to spend the rest of my life with.
If that is the half I get, I will die happy.
I can't and won't ask for much more.
If a child happens for me, it does.
If not?
It was never meant to, and that's okay.
- You know something crazy?
I have always been quite empathic, you know?
And my dreams have always been so vivid and descriptive.
I should have listened to myself, you know?
I told myself countless times that the situation I was in was toxic, and that she never did and never would care for me; I was just too damned stubborn for my own good.
Why is it that we as a species rarely listen to ourselves when we KNOW what the hell the problem is?
We tend to have so many little problems that are self-imposed that we could just NOT have if we just listened...
Bah, and bah again, lol.
I was a young and unevolved version of myself.
I was also born in a time before the term "red flag" was invented, lmao.
- Losing myself was hard...
It only got worse with time, and with that toxic woman chipping away at my confidence, it would only become that much easier for other people's emotions to seep into my deepest rooms and cover the walls in images and memories that weren't mine.
I had had a good sense of self, but it had been deteriorated so deeply that it took me just over two years to find who I was and return to that after I found the strength and courage to leave her.
Be careful who you surround yourself with, Folks.
You can quickly become a hollowed-out chameleon in the presence of the wrong people, and regaining yourself after that fall can be nearly impossible.
I would know.
I will leave you all at that, and I hope to see you all in the next one, yeah?
I love and appreciate you all, as always, and I hope you have a good weekend and week wherever you are on this planet of ours!
Safe travels, Folks.
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Bluu.