"I've been swindled twice by your ma," he reminded her. "Forgive me for not diving into shark infested waters yet." He suddenly had a bathing suit on. "Little nervous it won't go well. Even with a retainer, you are pretty clever. If you figure something out, it won't end well for me. Again."
Insurance. There was only thing Astrid could think of. "Me. If you take this risk, I'll give up my soul if we don't fulfill the deal."
"Don't need it. I don't want to live again, that's lame."
"Would it work on getting rid of your soul-sucking wife?" she asked. "If she's alive again." He looked intrigued. "I won't welch on the deal."
"Promises, promises." He glanced toward her mom who he was still holding. So far, he had never wanted to put her down. "The marriage is the retainer, I want paid my amount per transaction. All business is done by the end of the day. We will bounce back between worlds, you need to be ready at a moment's notice. If she runs out of money, the marriage happens."
Okay. "So you don't want my soul as backup?" Astrid asked.
"Nah, keep it."
Why? It was clear that it would stop his ex if she was alive again. He doesn't want me to lose my soul.
"I mean what kind of new dad would I be for ya if I let you do that?" he added.
"You are just a potential future stepdad."
"Ya sure?"
Oh now he was teasing! She was already on the brink, his actions and her feelings around him. "You better eventually explain what I'm feeling right now."
That phrase seemed to really elate him. "Sure. Eventually. So, if the deal is ready?" He chuckled, kind of wickedly. He shoved his hand straight at her. His body glowed like there was suddenly fire around them. "Then shake your new daddy's hand."
Oh, she hated the way he did that. It wasn't hard to tell she was making a deal with a demon.
Something had to give though, and this was all she had. Except, for one thing. "The marriage is the retainer."
"Right, we established that."
"Marriage is a relationship. You don't have one with her. So? No grabbing. No hugging. No kissing. No dating. No touching my mom in any way without permission."
"Whaaat?!" It was the strangest anger mixed with a whine. She didn't know whether to be afraid, or give him a treat like a good little dog. "Do you know how long-"
"No deal," Astrid insisted. "Anything else, you need to ask mom about first."
"Oh, you and you modern day people. Take all the fun out of everything," he complained. He grumbled.
"Do you kiss your clients?" she asked, but that backfired.
"Used to. Modern day dead folk, you guys are another breed. You all want your space. People get super mad and then there's no job. Keep yelling shit like canceled. Then their contract is cancelled and they probably regretted that later."
Ew. "All of it's part of a relationship, which is part of the retainer." Oh, she hated how that sounded, like her mom would just go for him after marriage, but it was the best shot mom had not to get annhilated by him right afterwards. "Your dead. She's living. She's going to have to get used to . . ." She gestured toward his face. Especially toward his teeth. "That." Right. "You should take a bath too."
"Hey! If I accept these nonsense boundaries, then you gotta respect mine too. Isn't that what all you people are into these days? Boundaries?"
Boundaries. "If you smell so much that she doesn't want to be near you, your going to have a hard time getting anything like a kiss."
"Oh. Done."
Wait? Astrid smelled the air. She could smell the air, but there wasn't anything foul in it anymore. "What did you do?"
"Changed the old factory settings of your nose," he said.
Old factory. Olfactory. He was covering the scent from their noses, but he was still dirty. "Not good enough. We are living. Dirt equals germs, and too many germs can kill us. It's not an exaggeration."
He scratched his head. "We've reached a crossroads." A railroad sign fell between them.
Astrid looked up and moved backward as a whole train fell down! It started to speed across the tracks.
Whether he wanted to or not, apparently that disgust was part of what made him, him. So far, this seemed like the hardest part of the dealings. While the train crossed, she had to think.
Jeremy didn't have an odor even though he was dead. Her dad Richard, sort of smelled like fish though. He would definitely be taking care of himself, he did in life. The smell wasn't too bad, but he did smell like fish and the rainforest.
When the train finished passing, she knew what she had to ask. "Can you get rid of the smell or did you die with it?"
His eyes went wide and he even took a step backward. He just looked at her strangely.
Yep, she nailed it. He would never smell well even if he did take care of himself. "Basic hygiene, enough not to kill us, and we'll learn to accept it." They had to. It was part of wherever he came from.
"Modern people are weird," he just muttered. "There won't be that much difference. Fine! Basic that it can't kill you. Picky."
Astrid watched as the whole set up of the train disappeared. He stuck his hand out again. "This includes mom's treatment?"
"Yeah, yeah," he muttered. "I'll work on marriage papers as a delay tactic, until I do win her. Until then, I get paid."
"Right."
"I can't believe I am stooping this low," he complained. He changed from his ridiculous bathing suit back to the strange black and white tuxedo. "Thing's happen in threes. Even on the two, I really tried. I knew it wouldn't happen." He glanced at her. "All the sweet green icing, flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain."
He didn't sing it, he just said it, but she vaguely knew what he was saying. Those were the lyrics to the song he made them sing at the wedding. She was too shocked and had no control of herself during that part, she wasn't thinking about the lyrics. Cake. They did sing a lot about cake. "What song did you make us sing? I'd never heard of it before."
She grabbed her phone from her pocket.
"People are attached to those like umbilical chords," he said.
Astrid didn't care what he said, nor with his phrasing did she want to see what he was doing. She was typing the lyrics into the phone to find the song. Jimmy Webb wrote the song. The meaning?
It wasn't something the average person would be singing at a wedding that was happy. Apparently, the songwriter was broken up about losing his girlfriend in MacArthur Park and wrote about it. Beetlejuice could not have made it clearer. He knew how it would end, before anything even happened to jeopardize the wedding. "If you knew the marriage wouldn't happen, why'd you try?"
"Same reason," he muttered. "I'm still trying."
Astrid looked at him a couple seconds longer before putting her phone away. Her mother called him a trickster demon. He wasn't a nice person. He smelled horiffic, he was terrible, he killed innocent people for his job. He tried to marry her mom. He was going to ride up the hugest bill he could before this was over. He was the thing that haunted mom's nightmares.
And for the strangest reason, he felt like her dad. The impossible marriage the officer said couldn't happen, it suddenly could when he saw her records. A lot of things refused to make any sense. He probably had those answers, but one thing was for sure.
She knew it, for a fact. If he was given extra freedoms? He wouldn't be the chaos supreme her mom thought he'd become. It wouldn't unleash some hell on Earth. He'd stay right there, with them. Protecting them until the job was over.
This time, she extended her hand.
He still looked skeptical.
She pulled her hand back briefly. "The other deals were made in the spur of the moment," Astrid pointed out. "With a desperate young teenager, and a desperate mom wanting to save her daughter. This deal had an officer involved, a retainer, payment, and we worked out details about hygiene and boundaries." It had been thought through. "We are going to finish this deal." She put out her hand again. "One shower a week. Including hair."
He grabbed her hand.
"You have to brush your teeth everyday too," she added.
He pulled his hand away.
"If mom does like you, or she at least feels pity enough for you to give into a kiss? She'll choose a hug or something different, she never will like that." That seemed to work.
He put out his hand again.
They shook.
"Don't stab me in the back again," he warned her. "Things have a tendency of happening in three's. Your mom needs to get in on the deal too, she's part of it. That and she already owes me."
"Yeah."
"Back payment too."
"I know." Astrid looked at the card. "You sent five to the waiting room."
"Escorter," he said. "Never helped the living much, but we'll just flip the definitions but keep the same rates. Five escorters. One Bouncer. One Roper."
Five escorters. Astrid saw a calculator pop up in front of her, free floating. She put in the prices. Escorters are 2500. Bouncer is 1000. Roper is 500. She did the math. "14,000 dollars."
"That was today. Now? Since I got scrubbed on the other deals. Another roper, but an advanced roper." A piece of paper appeared in front of him and flew toward her face.
Astrid grabbed it. It had the details of all the pricing and more detailed pricing. All of the official pricing was off the charts, but it made sense why, even Officer Wolf said it. Not everyone needed a killer.
"Breaking into the neitherworld falls into advanced," he said.
When he brought her mom to the Neitherworld illegally to get her, it turned advanced. And advanced? Ten thousand plus 500. "10,500." She added them together. "24,500." Then, she knew what was going to be next. Last Chance. "There's no way anyone could pay this."
"It's big, that's why anything that happens in it is free."
It better be for that price. "It's 250,000."
"There's no coming back from exorcism," he said. "It's just 208 dollars a month for a hundred years. It's the only plan the Neitherworld allows to be a payment plan. For your mom? I was sent back to the waiting room again. No deal. Full price. Up front."
"274,500." That was just what was owed. "Wake up mom."
"I need time to draw up contracts and get things ready for this maybe fake marriage thing. Right now, I need two things. To finagle, and to lie to your mom a lot."
He didn't trust her to stay. That only made sense. "Lie away, I won't tell her anything yet."
Beetlejuice looked down at her mom. "Hey? Know your sleeping happily. Gonna have to end it for you. I've been chatting with our daughter a good thirty minutes now."
Then, the sensation Astrid felt from her childhood was gone. That comfortable funny feeling in her stomach completely disappeared. She could tell without a fact her dad was nowhere there. As suddenly as it had come out of the blue, it now disappeared?