Waking up in the arms of someone you love, their warm skin pressing against your own? It's probably got to be one of the best feelings there are. Definitely top five at least. The scene around us just makes it even better.
The wood panelling, the open space and tatami flooring and paper squares on the walls. The sun lightly filtering through that thin paper, illuminating it all in warm colours and soft tones...
It's a struggle to accept that I ever let myself live within lifeless tan-painted brick and concrete squares.
Everything matters. All those small details add up. The environment around you does influence your mood.
Perhaps I'm only now really realising that. It's like how people used to talk about getting plants and stuff. About the difference between a place to live and a home.
But I get it now, I think.
I should have gotten a plant, all those years ago. Put it on my bedroom windowsill, add some colour to the tan walls and off-white ceiling. Humans need more than monotone. Whether it's a plant or just some posters, it's important.
If only I'd known that earlier.
But I suppose that's just how it is, isn't it? We humans have a habit of only recognising what is good for us after it would have been good. Always too late, and always so willing to ignore the advice of others that have stood in our shoes before us.
A sigh leaves me at the philosophical thoughts, and I shake them away. My attention instead turns to Tamamo's snoozing face.
Her nose twitches in her sleep. It's something I've noticed. Not a lot, but frequently enough. It's cute, and I can't help but stare for a while, stun-locked by pure adoration. She really is beautiful.
However, it seems that I am unfortunately still in a bit of a mood because of yesterday, as my thoughts soon drift away.
I can't help it.
It was just so... Unexpected? Seeing that Angel cry. It... It caught me off-guard. Really, they are probably the normal ones here. Well, maybe. I don't know. It depends on if I want to consider the sentiments of my previous life as the baseline for 'normal'.
If I do, then the Angels' reactions were normal, and I'm the one who's become abnormal. I'm the one whose immersed myself in the culture of my new home, a culture that is so far removed from what I used to know.
I prefer it, I won't lie. I love this life and I love my home. I'd just never really thought too much about how this culture would look in my last life. I doubt the old me would have been capable of understanding it.
Because with the eyes of some twenty-first century guy, how could one possibly see murder as something done out of respect? The old me certainly wouldn't have understood it. Not really.
Another sigh leaves me, and I plant a chaste kiss on Tamamo's forehead before extracting myself from her grasp.
I'm not used to this. Doubt. Or rather, I am. I've just had a lifetime to forget it.
I can't say I'm enjoying the feeling's return. It's like I'm a kid again, walking through the forest wondering when Death or something or other is going to show up and erase the mistake of my existence.
It's not a fun feeling, so I decide to do the smart thing for once. I've faced and solved this dilemma before, after all. So it is only natural that I should fall back on proven methodology, right?
I decide to visit my father.
I still make Tamamo a little sandwich and leave it with a note explaining my absence though, obviously. The note naturally comes with very important chibi doodles. Because chibi doodles matter.
It sounds like a joke, and I'd even say it as one, but there is a truth to it. Just like the wood panelling and open space and warm colours of this room matters. Those little details add up.
...Damn, I'm totally going to be the type of parent that leaves my kids' lunch with little lovey-dovey notes inside of them aren't I? That's pretty funny.
Another sigh leaves me at the thought, and maybe this one felt a bit less tired.
Regardless, I spend another moment just fondly watching Tamamo snooze before pulling on my clothes and closing my eyes.
With the practice from Kamo-Sensei and Inari-sama's pavilion, I was already confident that I wouldn't face much trouble finding my father's Soul.
That didn't stop me from surprise when I located him near instantly. Perhaps I should have expected it, I think wryly to myself. He is my father after all. He is home.
Of course I would always know which way is home.
My shadow rises and consumes me. I'd warned Tamamo that the teleportation would be uncomfortable, and from her reaction to it back then, that seemed to be the case. But for me? It's like entering a sauna and feeling all of my muscles unwind after a long day.
It is where I belong. A part of me. Maybe the shadow is even more real than I am outside of it.
And then it's over and my shadows unwind and I am hit by a heavy sense of déjà vu.
I can't help but snort a little in amusement. I hadn't really thought about it, but that is the exact Torii that is the first ever thing I saw in this world.
Only this time, I do not need an old man to come down the steps and take me in.
This time, I can walk to him. I do so with a slight grin on my lips.
It's nice to be home. A balm on the Soul.
I take my time with the steps, finding it rather amazing just how much nostalgia I'm feeling. It's only been what, half a year since I left? It feels like it's been a lifetime.
Still, it's really, really nice to be home.
As I walk, I see deer start to gather in the forest either sides of the steps and walk with me. More and more, as if welcoming me back. I think I recognise some of them, all grown up. It feels good, and by the time I reach the final steps, I can't help the smile on my face.
That smile only grows when I come to see my old man waiting for me at the final step, our Shinboku tree standing tall and proud behind him as always.
"Yo!" I greet with a two-fingered wave. "I'm home."
Kinoshita favours me with a slight smile and a simple greeting; "Welcome home."
Naturally, I don't leave things there and give him a big ole hug as well, because why not?
He hugs me back.
"You seem troubled, my son," he murmurs as he pulls from the embrace, because of course he noticed. "What is the matter?"
A deep sigh leaves me at that.
"It's... complicated, I guess. Have you eaten?" He nods plainly. "Let's sit down then. I need advice, but it'll probably take a bit to explain it all."
We move together to the engawa, the same outer walkway we always seem to wind up sitting at whenever we talk. I make sure to greet the Shinboku properly as we pass as well.
He doesn't say anything, just lets me gather my thoughts in silence for some time as I try and figure out what to say. Nothing easy comes to mind though, so I just start talking.
"I killed an Angel yesterday." That is the source of what's been so heavily on my mind after all. The words hang for a moment. "Her comrades cried for her."
Kinoshita remains silent, and I am thankful for it, because as I start to talk, my words come out slow and stilted. I'm trying to figure them out as I say them, after all.
"It's just... It caught me off-guard. It really, really did, and I don't— I don't know..." Another sigh leaves me and I bring up my knees and lean forward to rest my chin atop them.
"I'd like to be a good person. But I've never been under the impression that I would always be unequivocally good. I'm too selfish for that, and even when I do help someone, oftentimes that means acting against someone else. But I'd like to be a good person. I just... don't know if that's still an option for me."
"I uhh, I killed some people." A deep stab of shame lances through me enough that I wince. All the worse because the shame does not even have the decency to come with any regret. "No, I shouldn't downplay it like that. I killed a lot of people. It... I'd just made a friend, y'know? I didn't want to lose that.... No, that's just an excuse too. I just wanted to experience it. I was Curious. I knew I'd hate it and I did it anyway and sometimes I still wake up hearing them."
A brief, entirely mirthless and empty chuckle leaves me. "It's like you said, way back when. Curiosity is my Curse. It's just that I'm not the only one who suffers it. Even with the Angels, I can't... I can't help but admireit. Grief, I mean. The way Addy-chan glared at me with such loathing. The way she cried with such mourning at the loss of her friends. It's... romantic? Poetic? I don't know, it's just... It's beautiful." My voice drops into barely a whisper as her hate-filled eyes flash through my mind. "She was so beautiful, in that moment."
A longer pause fills the air, and Kinoshita still does not speak.
"I made a vow, back when that Curse chased me through the forest as a kid. Not a Binding Vow or anything, just a promise to myself, I guess. A consequence of my Curiosity. I resolved myself to bear witness to everything, so that the entire world could live on in my memory."
Another pause, and maybe my voice gets a little bit bitter.
"Unfortunately, the world is cruel, and I don't think I fully understood what that meant back then. It is kind, too. Beautiful and ugly in equal measure. There is so much, it cannot possibly be any one thing. So to experience all of it means both the good and the bad. But where does that leave me? A good person lives a good life with good memories. A bad person lives a bad life with bad memories. What does that mean for me? Am I fated to be torn apart by conflicting memories? By the part of me that can remember the smiles and joys that I have saved and caused and the other part that remembers my hands coated in blood and the despairing screams of an Angel?"
"I just... I don't know what to do. Do I give up? I'd probably be happier. I could just give up on experiencing the ugly sides of the world. Focus on the good and spreading it where I can. I'd Love to do that, but I just can't. I can't and I think I might hate myself a little bit because of it. Because I am so Curious... I don't know. I don't want to be the cause of suffering, but I need to know how it feels. So what, should I just give up on being a good person instead? I don't want to do that either."
A bitter laugh leaves me as my thoughts are finally aired. Insecurities. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm ——— again. Sitting alone in my room, spiralling in depression and self-doubt.
"Love and Curiosity," I mutter into my knees. "Who ever knew they would be so conflicting? I guess I was being stupid. They are Curses, in the end. However much they may be me, it was stupid of me to act as if a Curse would never cause me pain. Kami, I can be dumb sometimes."
We lapse back into silence as I run out of thoughts to air. Just sitting in peace under the gentle swaying of the Shinboku's leaves.
After some time, I feel Kinoshita's arm fall over my shoulder and pull me in as he sighs.
"Oh, my son who feels too much, you ask a difficult question," he says, and I feel like I've heard that before. "Yet I cannot but feel as if you have lost the forest in the trees."
"What's that supposed to mean, exactly?"
"That you are lying to yourself, my son. You do not feel guilty killing this Angel or those people."
I can't help but look at him as if he has two heads and gesture broadly to myself.
"I think it's pretty clear that I'm hardly dancing for joy, here."
Kinoshita sighs. "It is not the act that you feel guilty for, my son. You are feeling guilty for being who you are. Guilty because you do not regret any of it. Guilty because you know that you have only done as you have wanted to do. You feel guilty only because you believe that you should, yet you do not."
"So what, I'm just a horrible person?"
"You have high standards," Kinoshita immediately hits back. "But if that is how you must view yourself, then yes, you are horrible. You have a choice before you, my son. You are The Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer, are you not? If you truly despise this Curse of yours, then simply exorcise it. Choose either your 'Love' or your 'Curiosity' and exorcise the other. Or, you can stop hiding from yourself. Accept who you have become, truly accept it. Perhaps you cannot be a good person, but you will always be a kind one."
'Accept who you have become' huh? It's pretty clear that he's referring to my previous life. I still haven't told him much about it, but it's pretty obvious that things are different here to there.
It's funny, but this feels like the exact conversation I had with Seimei before, only now I'm in his position.
It really is easier to offer advice than to take it.
Some part of me wants to reject the old man's words. It feels like if I'm to accept them, then some part of me will stop being human. I just don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
"I doubt that you will ever stop empathising even with your enemies, my son. Just as you will not hesitate to fight them even in spite of it. That is simply who you are. All you can do is to accept your own nature. You have never been ashamed to cry."
I can't help the amused huff that leaves me at that, but I still think on the words.
Have I been rejecting myself? Maybe a little. It's just... killing shouldn't be some casual thing, y'know? But I guess it isn't. That's not the problem here. The problem is that I'm doing it anyway.
"Y'know..." I begin, "I was kind of hoping you'd just have some magical answer that'd make everything make sense."
"What would be the point? You didn't come to me because you were looking for an answer, Narauko." He rolls his eyes at the doubtful look I give him. "You are not a fool. You already know the 'answer'. You only wanted to drag out this final moment of self-doubt, because you know that there will be no coming back."
I blink, taken aback, but he doesn't give me a chance to respond before he is speaking again, staring me square in the eye as he does.
"It didn't make sense to me before, but I see it now. Your past life's memories were the answer. The 'Human' from your past is clinging onto life, latching on to you like a Curse. If you want me to give you your 'answer', then I will. You must decide. Are you a 'Human', or are you a 'Jujutsu Sorcerer'?"
We both know the answer to that, and it's clear what he's implying. I've already been halfway there already, but he is saying that I need to cut off that lingering remains of my previous life in order to truly embrace who I am now. Narauko.
Something... untenses, within me, as I accept that this is my path. The grief does not fade, but it... unclogs and flows free without doubt.
Because the answer is obvious; there has never been doubt what I would pick.
I am Narauko, The Strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer.
///
Kiyohara no Motosuke
///
It should have been a simple thing.
Most of the kids are out to the capital, so there are no classes right now. It's a peaceful time of the year for Cursed Spirits, but those still around Edo have plenty of slack to pick up. Not an overwhelming amount, but enough that even someone like Motosuke could be sent on missions as simple as this one.
Just a mere Grade One Curse. An easy task; barely worth a moment of thought.
However, that simplicity fell apart on his return to the nearby Fujiwara castle, where he intended to rest the night before moving on.
He was only a minute out when he saw it; the large skeletal beast flying through the sky in a straight shot to Motosuke's own destination.
He wasn't truly concerned though, at the time. He recognised the beast, after all. So instead, he simply made haste to the simple fortification's courtyard where he awaits the man, curious. He did not wait long.
A great gust of wind blows up from the wings of the draconic skeleton, despite said wings merely being spires of bone. Then, not a moment after touching down, Taira no Yoshikane hops down, looking rather haggard.
The Taira's eyes light up upon Motosuke, and he ignores the gathered crowd entirely to approach him, grinning all the while. It is an expression at odds with his apparel that seems to have been through a war.
"Yooo, Kiyohara-dono~. Shit luck for you, eh? You been sleeping facing North? Tsk tsk, how irresponsible."
Motosuke blinks, nonplussed at the entirely unexpected greeting. He is hardly close with the man, but Motosuke was at least confident that the Taira would speak more normally. Apparently that was too much to hope for.
Unless of course, the man is an imposter of some sort.
"Pardon?"
The Taira waves his confusion away without a care, and it is only after overcoming the initial surprise that Motosuke notices the finer details of the man before him. The general poor condition is nothing too surprising for a Sorcerer, but it's the smaller things that catch his eye now.
Such as the faint shake to his hands, the equally faint waver to his voice, or how his grin does not quite reach his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in some time.
"Don't worry about it, Kiyohara-dono. Just believe in Saiō's horse." Motosuke only finds himself feeling more confused at the odd reference to a parable about luck. "Regardless, would you do me the favour of conjuring a Black Butterfly for me? My aide broke his leg."
Motosuke takes a second to unpack those words.
The request itself does not surprise him too much. The Taira clan are known to produce Sorcerer's with Innate Techniques related to the summoning of corpses, such as this skeletal dragon or Takiyasha's Gashadokuro.
However, unlike his grand-niece, Yoshikane was found lacking in talent. So he made a Binding Vow that gave up his ability to be a Sorcerer entirely in exchange for enhancing his Technique enough that it can fight without him. Though, his ability to summon a flying mount has made him more of an errand boy for the Taira.
So the request isn't strange, because Yoshikane is incapable of making a Black Butterfly by himself.
However, it is that last bit that sticks out to Motosuke. Because in the parable of Saiō's horse, Saiō's son falls off of the horse and breaks his leg.
Motosuke can't help but be suspicious that the Taira's aide is dead. That fact combined with Yoshikane's poor state of dress leaves Motosuke with a foreboding feeling.
"To what end? Explain clearly, Taira-san. What happened to you?"
"Right, right," Yoshikane agrees easily enough, brushing a hand through his hair in clear stress. "So, I was at the capital a few days ago, then I had to rush out here to meet with my nephew to pass along Ōtono-sama's words regarding a certain marriage prospect and some other stuff. Haaaais~, but you know how it is with nephews, no respect for their elders. Which is to say... Well... Hmmm, there's really no easy way to put this... Anoooo... It's like when you're already drunk and you drop a bottle of saké, ne? It's not like you can just lap it up from the floor, one must simply accept the loss of something precious."
Motosuke simply stares as the man before him has the temerity to nod at his own words as if they are in any way meaningful.
"I think you have had enough saké already. Do you understand what 'speak clearly' means?"
"Ehhh~? But you said 'explain clearly', not 'speak clearly'. Aren't they two totally different things?" Yoshikane's hands shoot up in a gesture of panicked surrender as his words make Motosuke glare. "Relax~! Relax~! Can't a man have a little bit of fun in their final moments? You really need to loosen up a little, Kiyohara-dono. If you meet Izanami-no-Mikoto with such a frown on your face then you'll really be sorry~."
Motosuke closes his eyes and takes a deep, deep breath to calm himself. "Taira-san. Stop screwing with me, or I will arrange your meeting with Izanami-no-Mikoto right now. What do you mean by final moments?"
"Oh, that? Yeah, we're totally dead." Motosuke blinks again at how casually such a verdict has been given. But then, it is not casual, is it? Motosuke can see the way he shakes. The man is pretending, which only makes Motosuke's foreboding feeling worse, because it means that the Taira believes what he is saying. "To put it simply, well, my nephew didn't exactly approve the marriage. He'll be here before moonrise with an army at his back. So I really would appreciate if you would send a few Black Butterflies out for me?"
Ah.
That about explains it.
"Why, should this be my problem? If your nephew wishes you dead, then that is between you."
"If only it were that simple. Unfortunately, it seems that my dear nephew wants to rebel. He'll kill everyone who is not Taira in the prefecture, and this is a Fujiwara outpost. If you want to try talking to him, feel free. Can't hurt."
Motosuke sighs at his own misfortune, and asks the only remaining question of importance. "Which nephew of yours are we expecting, exactly?"
Yoshikane smirks at him and raises his brows as if to say 'really?'.
"I think you know the answer to that already," he says, and Motosuke nods with him.
And then he punches Yoshikane square in the nose in a fit of anger.
This damned fool has brought death to him and wants to act so casually about it! Motosuke is no coward, but no one wants to die.
Ironically, the one exception to that rule would be the man marching to kill them.
"Ow." Yoshikane states from his spot sprawled out on the floor. "That was uncalled for."
"Bringing your damn problems to me!" Motosuke roars down at the fool, "You want to say this is uncalled for?! I should string you up on the road!"
Yoshikane only shrugs, though his false mirth does fade away. Motosuke almost wishes the fool would have continued to smile, because the blank stare is only more uncomfortable.
"What difference would it make?" His tone lacks the playfulness of before, and Motosuke almost misses it. "Inevitability is marching this way. There is nothing to be done. We can't win. So I ask you; what does it matter? I won't be seeing the morning either way."
Motosuke doesn't answer. It's difficult to hold onto anger with such open melancholy lying right in front of him.
Yoshikane releases a long, tired sigh into the silence, and Motosuke almost doesn't catch the words whispered into the wind.
"And I'd just made a friend, too."
Motosuke turns away and ignores the fool. He has messages to send afar, men to organise right here and women and children to evacuate or hide. He is not Yoshikane to simply lie down and accept defeat.
There is work to be done, and so Motosuke works.
Men are armed and armoured, defences raised, preparations made. The garrison is hardly large, but there are a few Sorcerers stationed here. Motosuke doubts how much use they will be, since he is here in the first place because this garrison cannot handle a mere Grade One Curse.
Dozens of Black Butterflies leave through his shadow, but useful though it may be, the Technique is not instant. Just very very fast.
Unfortunately, this means that by the time Motosuke is called to the front wall and stands there watching the approaching army, he has yet to receive any replies. He'd have liked to have heard from his daughter, at least.
Motosuke is watching the small tide of red banners and Agehachō emblazoned soldiers march inexorably closer when he feels Yoshikane walk up to his side.
"No need to concern yourself, Kiyohara-dono. I got one of the juniors to send my final words out for me. Don't bother apologising for forgetting, I saw how busy you've been."
"Tsk, are you my wife?"
"Eh? To you? Ahh, how should I say... It's just... The amount of hair you have... It's a little... Y'know?"
"What do you know about hair? Have you even started growing?"
"Woah. To ask such a question, I gotta say... How forward of you."
Motosuke huffs and rolls his eyes. If not for the army before their eyes, he certainly wouldn't have allowed for such a casual conversation with this man.
Alas, in such a situation... Well, there's no point in holding on to ceremony here, is there?
"For what it's worth," Yoshikane speaks again, ending the short silence between them. "I lied a little bit earlier. I was mostly sent up here to prevent my nephew from taking this exact course of action. I did try. You just have shit luck, being here today."
Motosuke glances at the man beside him but says nothing. He can read between the lines enough to figure what Yoshikane isn't saying.
That the Taira clan was already planning to rebel. Else if they knew about this, they would have done something earlier. Plus, it doesn't surprise him in the first place to hear of such a thing. The court has hardly been friendly these days.
"It is not worth a lot," Motosuke decides, and Yoshikane chuckles.
A hush falls over the garrison that only grows ever more tense with each second that passes.
Nearly two-hundred men and boys watch the approaching army over a thousand strong, and they do all they can. They wait.
The army gets closer and closer, until eventually, Motosuke sees him.
He already expected it, both because of Yoshikane's tone and even more because of the size of the approaching army. But it's still disheartening to see.
To stare inevitability in the eye and know it is coming for you.
He comes astride an armoured white horse, leading his army from the head. It is not as if he need fear a stray arrow.
His clothing befits his status as a General. Ornate armour over flowing black and red robes, all engraved with the Agehachō symbol of the Taira clan.
Motosuke looks at the man, and then he looks. His Technique, Faultline, floods through his eyes, doing what it does best; searching for weaknesses. Everyone has them. Blind spots or hidden injuries or areas they do not guard as well as the rest. His Technique makes these weaknesses shine like stars to his eyes. It allows him to always know where to strike to cause the most harm.
As expected, he sees nothing at all.
It was worth a shot. Perhaps the sole exception had changed over the years.
Alas, there is not a single weakness to be found in this man.
Even other Special Grades like him still have weaknesses. This man just happens to be the sole exception.
It doesn't surprise him. Not when facing The Strongest Shield.
He is the closest a man can come to being an inevitability, for there is simply nothing that Motosuke can do to even scratch him. This inevitability, this Kami-class invulnerability, combined with the army that he commands, are, after all, the source behind the man's imposing title.
So Motosuke stands with men and boys, and he waits for inevitability to come claim his life.
He waits for Taira no Masakado,
The Divine General.
///
A/N: He~llo! Dear readers!
OOOooooOOOoOoooOOooOo~~~
So fun fact. I have struggled to write chapters before, however, this chap was an entirely new sensation as I, for the first time, actually struggled to even think about what to write. Like, usually it's an issue of motivation or finding the right phrasing or something.
But that philosophical shit in the first half of this chapter was difficult man. I don't think I even conveyed what I wanted to convey properly. I legit just couldn't think of the words. And then, and then! I couldn't think of what to write after that.
I spent last night and basically the whole of today thinking about it. I've never not had a clue what to write before. Usually the issue there would be that there are too many ideas and I have to pick. It was weird. Brain was totally blank for the first time ever.
So I wound up getting annoyed, and when I get annoyed by my writing I vent by killing people and causing suffering.
So y'know... sucks to be these two.
But other than that, the plot is finally moving forward properly again. Idk if it'll be a chap or five, but shit's gonna kick off soon and I am going to have the opposite problem where there will be waaaay too much shit going on for me to keep track of it all :(
Also! Divine General mentioned?!?!?! Is this finally a hint to Mahoraga?!?!?! The first in the fic?!?!?! I can practically see the theorising already lmao. I'm still not going to say anything on the subject of mahoraga to confirm or deny anything tho ;)
Or it could just be a red herring? But would I do such trickery? I suppose your answer will depend on how long you've known me and if you remember my Jinx ;P