Chapter 151:
– Haru –
True to my word, I had no plans to interfere with the second stage of the First Class Mage Exam.
Serie seemed downright pleased about that, which felt like its own small victory given how the morning had gone.
Irene, on the other hand, was not pleased at all. She wanted me to keep messing with the exam, to keep getting under the blonde elf's skin, because watching Serie's ears twitch with irritation had apparently become her new favorite hobby.
I had to gently remind my dragon that I had given my word. Irene pouted in that unfair attractive way of hers, the kind that made me question every decision I had ever made about restraint, but she let it go. Eventually. After a kiss that very deliberately reminded me what I was missing out on by being responsible.
So I left Daenerys in Serie's capable hands. My silver-haired future wife was practically glowing with excitement at the idea of more lessons, and Serie was already steering her back toward the training grounds with the brisk efficiency of a teacher who had waited centuries to find a student worth her time. Watching them walk off together, Daenerys's hand resting protectively over the small swell of her stomach, I felt something warm and stupidly proud settle in my chest.
There was no reason for me to hang around while everyone taking the exam went dungeon diving for the next few hours.
So I headed back to the Fox Hole, and on my way out, I scooped up Stark. The poor guy had been standing around like a lost puppy ever since Frieren and Fern disappeared into the exam, with absolutely nothing to do and no one to do it with. He looked at me with the expression of a man who had been silently praying for rescue, and I figured I could at least pour him a drink and feed him something better than whatever bland tower food Serie kept in her pantry.
I poured Stark a pint of ale and slid it across the bar to him. The redhead hesitated for half a second before grabbing the mug and gulping half of it down in one long pull, like a man who had been waiting all day for permission to drink. He still glanced around the Fox Hole nervously between swallows, his eyes flicking toward the door like he expected Frieren or Fern to materialize out of thin air to scold him for slacking off.
"Relax," I told him, leaning against the bar. "They're both in the middle of the second stage. Dungeon diving. Pretty sure they have bigger things to worry about than whether you're day drinking."
Stark considered that for about two seconds before sliding the empty pint back toward me. "In that case, another one."
I chuckled and reached for the tap, my tails swaying lazily behind me as I refilled his glass. While I worked, I asked him what kind of adventures Frieren's group had been up to since I had last seen them.
Stark shrugged, scratching at the back of his neck. "Not much, really. Exterminated some demons that were trying to wipe out a town. Dealt with a couple of giant monsters. Nothing crazy."
I laughed out loud at that. "Buddy, from a normal person's perspective, that's a hell of a lot more than 'not much.'"
A deep, rumbling chuckle came from a nearby table, and I glanced over to see a cluster of Nords from the Companions shamelessly eavesdropping while pretending to drink. One of them, a broad-shouldered bear of a man with a braided red beard and arms thicker than my torso, pushed back his chair and walked over to clap Stark on the shoulder hard enough to make the redhead wince.
"That's a true warrior's weapon you've got there, lad," the Nord said, nodding at the massive battle axe leaning against Stark's stool. "Real steel. Proper weight to it. None of that elf glass nonsense."
Stark, awkward as ever, managed to mumble out a thank you. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, "I used it to kill a dragon."
Every Nord at that table perked up at once. Mugs hit the wood. Heads turned. A grin split the bearded warrior's face wide enough to show every tooth he had left, and within about ten seconds, Stark had been bodily dragged over to their table to swap tales of adventure and bravery. He shot me a slightly panicked look on the way over, and I just gave him a thumbs up.
The kid spent all his time with Frieren and Fern, two women he was either too intimidated by or too in love with to relax around. He needed a night with the guys. He needed to drink mead and tell stories and have someone slap him on the back hard enough to bruise. It would be good for him.
The whole table ordered another round of mead and ale, and my tails swayed contentedly as I reached for the tap again.
I made my way around a couple more tables after that, taking drink orders and checking in with the regulars, making sure everyone inside the Fox Hole was having a good time. A Quarian by the window needed a refill on his dextro-formulated wine. Tevos wanted another asari brandy without looking up from her book. The Companions table needed two more pitchers of mead, which was a foregone conclusion the second Stark sat down with them.
Once I was satisfied that everyone was settled, I decided to take a few minutes for myself. I drifted toward one of the corner booths in the back, where I had spotted two familiar heads earlier.
Hela sat slouched against the booth's high back, one leg crossed over the other, a half-finished glass of Skyrim mead in front of her. Frigga sat beside her looking warm and golden in a soft cream-colored gown, her own teacup steaming gently between her hands. They were deep in conversation, and I caught the tail end of it as I approached.
"It is a large army, and it was just sitting there waiting for a Death Goddess like me to take it. So I did of course" Hela was saying, with the kind of casual satisfaction someone else might use to discuss a particularly good harvest. "Nearly one hundred thousand strong. I cannot wait to march them on Asgard. Cannot wait to see his face when he realizes I have brought my own dead to bury him in."
Frigga did not look impressed so much as deeply concerned. She set her teacup down with a soft clink and turned her full attention on her not-quite-stepdaughter.
"You must not underestimate him, Hela," she said quietly. "Odin is many things, but he is not stupid, and he is not arrogant when he knows he is outmatched. He has ruled for thousands of years for a reason. He is a schemer. A planner. The moment he realizes he cannot win on the field, he will pivot to something far uglier."
Hela's lip curled, but she nodded slowly. "Of course I will not underestimate him. I lived under his hand longer than you did. I know exactly what he is." Her green eyes glittered with something dark and patient. "But he will feel my wrath all the same. Soon enough."
Frigga sighed, then tilted her head with a more practical line of questioning. "And how exactly are you planning to move an army of that size to another universe?"
Hela's smug expression cracked. She grumbled something into her mead and muttered, "I am still working on that part."
Both of them turned at the sound of my approach, and the tension melted off their faces. Frigga's smile bloomed soft and warm. Hela's was sharper, more wicked, but her eyes lit up all the same.
"There he is," Hela purred. "My favorite distraction."
"Ladies," I said, grinning as I slid into the booth across from them. My tails fanned out behind me along the bench. "Plotting world domination without me again? I'm hurt."
Hela laughed and reached for her mead. "I am only plotting the domination of Asgard, my love. And perhaps the rest of the nine realms in my own universe while I am at it. Nothing too ambitious."
Both Frigga and I gave her a flat look at the exact same time.
Hela pouted, an expression that should have looked ridiculous on a thousand-year-old Goddess of Death and somehow only made her more dangerous. "Fine. Fine. Since Midgard seems so very independent these days, I suppose I will be satisfied ruling over eight realms instead of nine." She took a long sip and added, almost grudgingly, "To be honest, ruling over eight billion humans sounds exhausting anyway. None of the other realms are anywhere near as overpopulated as that little blue rock."
I snorted and slid into the booth, choosing the seat next to Frigga. She made a small surprised sound when I leaned over and kissed her cheek, and I watched a soft pink bloom spread across her cheekbones. Even after a few weeks of living at the Fox Hole and Yasaka's palace, she still blushed every time I showed her affection in public. It was one of my favorite things about her.
She was still impossibly gorgeous, the former Queen of Asgard. Even now, in a simple cream gown with her hair loose, she looked like she belonged in a portrait somewhere.
"I'm sorry I haven't been more available the past couple of days," I told her quietly, my hand finding hers on the seat between us. "Especially after my menace of a little sister and I sort of uprooted your entire life. I keep meaning to spend more time with you, and then another dimension catches fire, or Serie tries to vaporize me, or my mother walks in on Cersei in the bath, or..." I trailed off, ears flattening. "You get the idea."
Hela leaned forward across the table with a wicked grin, mead swirling in her cup. "Frigga, step-mother dear, you simply need to take charge. Watch and learn." She gestured at me with her glass. "When I want him, I follow him to his bed. And whatever pretty little thing he has brought home with him that night gets to share. It works marvelously."
Frigga turned an even deeper shade of pink and lightly smacked Hela's hand. "I am not that bold, you wicked thing."
"You should be."
"Hela." Frigga laughed despite herself, then turned back to me. Her fingers squeezed mine. "It is fine, my dear. Truly. You do not need to crowd me constantly to please me. I know where I stand with you, and I know your attention is in many places. I am content." She smiled at me, soft and steady, and I felt that warm protective pull in my chest tighten just a little.
Hela's expression shifted then, that wicked smirk curling slow and deliberate across her lips. She leaned forward across the table, propping her chin on one hand, and a second later I felt something warm and bare slide up the inside of my calf.
She had taken one of her boots off. Of course she had.
Her foot traveled up my leg with infuriating patience, the smooth skin of her bare sole dragging along my inseam in a way that made my tails go rigid behind me. My ears twitched. I had to consciously force myself to breathe through my nose and not give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
"Haru, my love," she purred, her green eyes glittering. "I have a rather large favor to ask of you."
I shook myself out of it and gave her a flat look, even as her foot crept higher up my thigh. "Hela. No. You absolutely cannot use my restaurant to transport an army of one hundred thousand ice zombies back to your universe."
"I was not going to ask that. Exactly."
"You were going to ask that exactly."
She pouted, but I kept going before she could regroup.
"Even if I said yes, that army would end up dumped in the middle of New Mexico. Fury would lose his goddamn mind. I just got him to like me. I am not blowing that by sending a hundred thousand undead Northmen out of the back door of a SHIELD-monitored portal."
Hela sighed dramatically and pulled her foot back from where it had been creeping toward the much more interesting territory of my upper thigh. "You are no fun."
Frigga, who had been watching this entire exchange with the patient exasperation of a mother who had seen far too much, finally scolded her. "Hela, behave yourself."
Hela's smirk turned even more wicked. She tilted her head and asked sweetly, "Mother dear, are you jealous?"
A second later, Frigga let out a tiny startled, "Mmnh," and shifted in her seat.
I caught the scent a heartbeat after, sharp and sweet on the air, the unmistakable musk of arousal blooming off her. My nose twitched before I could stop it. Hela's foot had clearly relocated to far more dangerous waters under that side of the table.
I leaned across, reached out, and booped Hela right on the tip of her nose.
"Nope. None of that is allowed in my restaurant," I told her firmly, even as my tails betrayed me by swishing in slow agitated arcs behind me. "If you two want sexy time, you take it to my apartment in the back. Those are the rules."
"I am down," Hela said immediately, without missing a single beat.
Frigga squirmed in her seat, biting her lower lip, and clearly trying very hard to look composed. "Hela, please," she breathed out, voice slightly higher than usual. "Mmh. Maybe we should figure out your... your problem first. Have you tried asking Lady Ranni?"
Hela tutted and waved her hand dismissively. "I do not really want to ask Ranni."
She caught my expression and quickly added, with only a touch of sarcasm and noticeably more fondness than she would have managed a few weeks ago, "Not that I am ungrateful for the existence of the scarily powerful goddess who is watching us at all times. Truly. She has my respect. But this..." She tapped her fingernail against the rim of her glass. "This is something I want to do on my own. Or at the very least, with just Frigga and me figuring it out together."
I nodded, understanding that more than she probably realized. Hela had spent a thousand years stripped of everything that made her who she was, locked away in a dead realm while her father erased her from history. Of course she wanted to plan her own war. Of course she wanted to be the one who solved her own problem.
I turned to Frigga instead, my hand still resting against hers under the table. "How have your studies been going? You know, of trying to figure out how the interdimensional aspect of my restaurant works."
Frigga blushed, but it was a different kind of blush than the one Hela's foot had drawn out of her a minute ago. This one was more sheepish.
"Lady Ranni is a true genius of magic," she admitted softly. "My studies have not borne as much fruit as I had hoped. I have been at it for weeks now, and I have only just begun to understand the surface layer of what she has woven into this place." Her thumb traced a small circle on the back of my hand. "Even though we are both goddesses of magic, I still have so much to learn. Watching her work is like watching someone read a book in a language I did not even know existed."
Before I could respond, Hela's eyes lit up with that wicked, gorgeous, deeply concerning gleam I was starting to recognize as her "I just had a terrible idea and I love it" expression.
"I have an idea," she said slowly. The smirk that followed was sexy and evil in a combination only she was capable of. "Why do we not steal the Bifrost?"
Frigga's teacup paused halfway to her lips.
Hela leaned forward, gathering steam. "Would it not be deliciously ironic? To use Odin's own pride and joy against Asgard. To march my army across the very bridge he built to crush his enemies. And Frigga, my love, it should be far easier for you to modify a device of such power than to weave entirely new magic from scratch to cross universes. The foundation is already there. You would simply be... improving it."
Frigga actually looked contemplative at that. Her free hand came up to her chin, fingers tapping thoughtfully against her lower lip. "It is possible," she murmured. "The Bifrost's architecture is ancient, but it follows principles I am familiar with. If I could study the rune array directly..."
"Hold on," I cut in, glancing between the two of them. "Did we not, you know, destroy the Bifrost before we fled? Specifically so Odin could not use it as a weapon against us?"
I distinctly remembered watching my own blue foxfire eat through miles of crystallized starlight. It had been a hell of a thing to watch burn.
Hela waved her hand like I was raising an inconvenient minor detail. "We will simply repair it first."
"Simply repair it?"
I don't think it will be that easy but Hela is never lacking confidence.
"And then Frigga can modify it." Hela's smile widened. "And I have every faith that my brilliant not-mother will not only restore it to working order, she will make it better. Not just capable of moving armies across realms, but across universes as well."
Frigga blushed and shook her head, ducking behind her teacup. "I appreciate your faith in me, Hela, truly. But I am not at all certain I am capable of such a thing. We are speaking of magic that predates Asgard itself. The original architects took knowledge of its construction to their graves."
I shifted closer to her in the booth, my thigh pressing against hers. Her fingers were small and warm in mine under the table, and I rubbed my thumb slowly along the back of her hand.
"Frigga." I waited until she looked up at me. Those soft blue eyes held mine, uncertain and beautiful and a thousand years tired. "I am sure you can do anything you put your mind to. You spent a millennium with your brilliance buried under his control, and look how much you have already pulled apart of Ranni's work in a few weeks. You are extraordinary. I believe in you."
Her cheeks went a deeper pink. Her lips parted slightly, and I watched her breath catch.
Across the table, Hela let out a low shudder and slumped back against the booth, fanning herself with one hand. "Mmnnh, fuck," she breathed out. "It turns me on so much when you say things like that with me sitting right here. Just so you know."
I was starting to get a little aroused myself, if I was being honest. Hela's bare foot, the smell of Frigga's blush, the warmth of her hand still tangled with mine under the table. All of it was working on me in ways I really did not need to be working in the middle of my own restaurant during the lunch hour.
I glanced around quickly. The Nords were still engaged in their loud interrogation of poor Stark, the Quarian couple were absorbed in their meal, and Tevos had not so much as looked up from her book. None of them had noticed the tension brewing in the corner booth, thank every god I knew personally.
I turned back to Hela and forced myself to shut it down before her foot decided to make another unscheduled appearance.
"As much as I would love to take you both up on... whatever this is becoming," I said, my voice a little rougher than I meant it to be, "I have to be back at Serie's tournament in a couple of hours. The third stage is starting soon, and I am still the co-examiner. I cannot exactly show up smelling like I just got railed in the back room of my own bar."
Hela's lower lip pushed out in a brief pout, but only for about two seconds. Then she shrugged and lifted her mead to her lips with the kind of casual recovery that told me she had already pivoted.
"I suppose Frigga and I have our own plans to attend to anyway," she said, glancing sideways at Frigga with a softer look than I usually saw from her. "We have something we need to find. An object called the Tesseract."
"What does that do?" I asked.
"It is a power source," Frigga answered, her tone shifting into something more scholarly as she leaned forward over her teacup. "Old, far older than Asgard, an artifact of immense magical potential. We will need it not only to repair the Bifrost, but to seize control of it. With the Tesseract, we could untether the bridge from its anchor in Asgard entirely. Steal it, in a manner of speaking."
"Odin stashed it somewhere on Earth," Hela added, swirling her mead. "I am certain of that much. He has always been paranoid about hiding his most dangerous toys on the realm he considered too primitive to ever pose a threat. Arrogant prick. I know a few tracking spells that should help us narrow it down."
Frigga's whole face brightened at the prospect. She squeezed my hand under the table, but her eyes were already on Hela.
"I would love to help you find it," she said softly. "And to spend the day working on it together."
Hela's smirk gentled into something that almost looked like a real smile, the kind she rarely let anyone see. "It is a date, then," she said. "And later tonight when he is done, we will bring Haru in for the most fun part."
Frigga blushed and I smiled.
The front door of my restaurant opened with a familiar little chime, and I glanced over just in time to see Kunou slip inside and quickly shut the door behind her. Her nine little tails were practically vibrating with mischief, and her golden eyes darted around the room like she was checking for witnesses.
I sighed.
That look meant exactly one thing. She was being a menace today, and somewhere across town, Tanya and Myrcella were probably realizing she had given them the slip.
The second Kunou locked eyes with me, her whole face lit up. She abandoned all attempts at stealth and skipped across the restaurant toward our booth, her tails swaying behind her in nine excited golden arcs. Several of the Nords waved at her, and one of the Quarians gave her a polite nod through his helmet.
She hopped up into the booth right next to Hela without asking, scooting in close.
I snapped my fingers under the table, drawing on just a tiny thread of magic to scrub away the pheromones and lingering scents that had been building up around the booth before my little sister got close enough to notice. The last thing I needed was Kunou asking why her brother and his goddesses smelled funny.
Hela and Frigga both turned to her with matching fond smiles. Whatever Hela's intentions had been a minute ago, she was very good at putting on the auntie face for Kunou.
"Hello, little fox," Hela said warmly.
"Hi, Hela-nee. Hi, Frigga-baachan."
I cleared my throat. "Kunou. Why aren't you in your etiquette lessons today? You know, the ones Kaa-san and Cersei are teaching to you, Tanya, and Myrcella right now?"
Kunou pouted at me, crossed her arms over her chest, and stuck her chin out with the full force of an young girl's righteous indignation.
"I don't need any stupid etiquette lessons. When am I ever going to use them, huh? They're boring."
Hela, sitting right next to her, did not even bother to hide her smirk. "Yes, of course," she said in that smooth velvet drawl, dripping with sarcasm. "As the princess and most likely future ruler of this entire nation, when would etiquette lessons ever be useful for you, my dear Kunou?"
Kunou did not catch the sarcasm. Not a single drop of it.
She just turned to Hela with a triumphant little smirk and a single sharp nod. "Exactly."
Frigga snorted into her teacup, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing out loud. Hela, who had been so pleased with her own joke a second ago, pouted at the sheer wasted effort.
"You are too clever for your own good and your sister is too clever for mine," Hela grumbled, then ruffled Kunou's hair.
Kunou batted her hand away, then suddenly remembered her actual mission. She turned to me and pointed a small, accusing finger directly at my chest.
"Onii-chan. I heard you were in charge of a cool mage tournament. And you didn't invite me to come watch! How could you?"
The obvious reason I had not mentioned this tournament to Kunou was the small, inconvenient detail that Serie had explained, very calmly, that mages would absolutely be dying or killing each other throughout pretty much the entire exam.
I considered that a tremendous waste of potential. All that talent, all those years of training, snuffed out over a credential. But this was how Serie had been running her exam for hundreds of years, and apparently nobody in her world had thought it strange enough to change it.
It was one of the reasons I had interrupted the first stage with a giant fox clone of myself. If all the contestants were busy fighting me, then they were too busy trying to kill each other. I was pretty sure Serie had picked up on that, and that had probably been one of the reasons she had been so cranky with me afterward.
The second stage, though, had been individual dungeons. Monsters, copies of themselves, environmental puzzles. No direct mage-on-mage combat, which meant no mage killings to worry about. Which was exactly why I had been comfortable stepping away from it.
But the third stage. The tournament part. That was the killing part.
And now I was looking at my little sister's adorable, hopeful, expectant pout. Those huge golden eyes shining up at me like she had never wanted anything more in her entire life than to come watch her cool big brother be a co-examiner.
I caved instantly. I was many things, but I was not strong enough to say no to that face. I loved her too much.
Which meant I was also probably going to have to renegotiate the tournament rules with Serie before the third stage began, because there was absolutely no way in any of the worlds I was letting Kunou sit in the front row to watch teenagers murder each other for an elf's certification.
Future Haru's problem. Or, well, problem in about an hour.
"Okay," I told her, reaching across the booth to ruffle her hair the way Hela had a minute ago. "You can come watch the final part of the mage exam with me."
Kunou's reaction was immediate. She threw both arms up in the air in the booth and let out a happy little, "Yaaay!" loud enough to make a few of the Nords turn their heads and chuckle. Stark gave a small wave from their table. The Quarian couple smiled behind their helmets. Tevos glanced up from her book just long enough to give my sister an indulgent little smile before going back to her page.
Then everyone went back to their own business, and Kunou bounced in her seat next to Hela, vibrating with smug, victorious energy.
Kunou and I slid out of the booth so that Hela and Frigga could get up as well. Hela leaned in and kissed my right cheek, lingering just a touch longer than strictly innocent, while Frigga rose on her tiptoes and kissed my left, her hand resting briefly against my chest. Both women turned to Kunou next and affectionately patted her head, making her ears twitch and her tails sway happily under the attention.
"We are off to find the Tesseract," Hela announced.
"Good luck," I told them both. "Try not to start any wars before dinner."
Hela gave me a wicked little wink over her shoulder. "No promises."
I watched them weave their way toward the door, Frigga's cream gown swishing softly against Hela's dark armor. The bell over the door jingled as they slipped out, and then it was just me and my menace of a little sister standing beside the booth.
Kunou was practically vibrating with excitement next to me, all nine of her tails fanning out behind her in agitated little arcs. "Let's go, let's go, let's gooo," she chanted, tugging on my sleeve.
I patted her head, which made her ears twitch in that way I never got tired of. "The third stage does not start for a little while yet. We have to wait, Kunou-chan."
She pouted hard at that and crossed her arms. "Maaaybe I shouldn't have ditched Tanya and Myrcella so quickly, then."
I put on a look of deeply mock-wounded sadness, letting my own ears droop for full effect. "What? Do you not want to spend time with just your onii-chan anymore, Kunou-chan?"
Her whole face went red. She shook her head rapidly back and forth, her braid whipping behind her. "No way! Onii-chan is still the best! I always want to spend time with you, dattebane!"
I bit back a laugh at the Naruko-ism that had crept into her speech over the past few weeks. My future wife was clearly a bad influence, in the best possible way. "Good," I said, scooping her up onto my hip just to hear her squeak. She wrapped her tails around my arm automatically. "How about we make some chocolate chip cookies, then? A certain blonde elf I know seemed to like them an awful lot the last time."
I had Kunou's complete and total attention at the word "cookies." Her golden eyes lit up like I had just promised her the moon and the stars and the right to bully Loki forever.
"Cookies!"
Kunou was happily doing her part of the cookie-making, mixing a big bowl of dough batter with the kind of focused intensity she usually only brought to plotting kidnappings of poor unsuspecting friends. Yes, I saw her occasionally trying to be sneaky and steal little fingerfuls of raw dough to pop into her mouth while she thought I was not looking. But that was to be expected. I would have been disappointed if she had not.
The lunch crowd had mostly thinned out at this point, and Stark was still sitting at the counter looking comfortably half-drunk and a hell of a lot more relaxed than when I had first dragged him in. The Nords had bullied him into telling his dragon-killing story at least three times by now, and each retelling had earned him another round of mead. I was pretty sure the kid had not had this much fun in months.
I was just about to leave a shadow clone to watch the place while Kunou and I headed back to Frieren's world when the door swung open with that familiar chime.
I glanced up, and my eyebrows lifted in surprise.
Tsunade herself strutted inside.
That was unusual on its own. She did not usually leave Konoha except when Rias came around to drag her to mandatory peerage meetings. The day Tsunade could finally hand the Hokage hat over to Naruto and never have to do paperwork again was coming up fast, and I knew for a fact she was counting those days like a prisoner counting the marks on a cell wall.
She was not alone today, though.
Beside her walked an edgy young man with sharp features, dark hair, and eyes that were currently doing two things at once. They were whipping around my restaurant with curiosity, taking in the diverse mix of patrons, and at the same time they were filtering everything through the most aggressive disdain I had ever seen on a single face.
Sasuke Uchiha was in my restaurant.
I had wondered how long Tsunade was going to keep him locked up while she dug through his head.
Tsunade spotted me at the bar and her face broke into a grin. She started walking over with that confident, hip-swaying stride of hers that always made the Nords at the back tables start nudging each other and pretending they were not looking.
Sasuke glared at the back of her head, then at me, then at the room in general, on principle.
"Haru," Tsunade said as she reached the bar, planting one hand on it like she owned the place. Her grin widened. "As the best medic in existence, I am pleased to officially inform you that I have managed to un-fuck Sasuke Uchiha's messed up head."
Sasuke's glare sharpened into a knife at her phrasing.
A second later, Kunou popped up from behind the counter where she had been carefully not eating cookie dough, with a smear of said cookie dough on her cheek and her ears perked straight up.
"Onii-chan, what does un-fucked mean?"
Tsunade's grin froze. Her amber eyes darted to me with the very specific panic of a grown adult who had just dropped an F-bomb directly in front of a small child.
"Oh, shit. Sorry, Haru," she said, then immediately winced as Kunou's ears perked up even higher at the new word. "I— uh. I did not know Kunou-chan was with you. I did not mean to swear."
Kunou grinned at her with the full innocent confidence of a kid who had no idea she was about to drop a verbal grenade.
"It's okay! I've heard worse stuff coming from Kaa-san and Cersei's bedroom these past few nights for some reason. I don't know what they're doing in there, but there's a lot of swears and really loud noises."
The bar went very quiet.
Nobody nearby knew how to reply to those particular innocent words. Even Sasuke, who had been laser-focused on glaring at me specifically, paused. His brows furrowed. I watched him visibly decide that whatever was happening here was beneath him and not worth processing, and then he went right back to glaring at me on principle.
Tsunade, on the other hand, looked like she had just heard the most golden piece of village gossip in years. Her eyes lit up, her lips curled into a slow, delighted smirk, and she leaned one hip against the bar like she had all the time in the world to extract every juicy detail. "Oh ho ho. Is that so?"
"Rias has all the details," I told her flatly, before she could ask a single follow-up question. I was not about to discuss my mother's sex life with Kunou right there. "Did you come here for food, or was there something else?" I asked Tsunade.
Sasuke scoffed under his breath. Quietly. But not quietly enough.
Tsunade sighed and let her smirk soften into something more sheepish. "Not exactly. I am actually here to personally deliver him to Rias in Kuoh Town. He is going to be joining her peerage." She gave Sasuke a pointed look as she said it, like she was daring him to argue. He did not. He just kept glaring. "He is a wanted criminal in the Elemental Nations now," Tsunade went on. "He cannot stay there until we sort his shit out, and that may take months. Maybe years, considering how furious the Cloud Village is over the Killer B situation."
I tilted my head and grinned a little at that. "Hmph. Maybe I should go and steal their giant flaming kitty sooner rather than later, then. They need to learn to let go."
"Please do not," Tsunade said immediately, with the long-suffering tone of someone who already had a hundred political fires to put out before her retirement. "The other villages are already going to get very nervous with Konoha's sudden massive increases in power these past months. I want some time to prepare Konoha first for the event of a war, in case they get too bold and need to finally be put down like my grandfather should have done decades ago…"
Damn, those were some cold words, but then again she is a devil now.
I turned my full attention to Sasuke then, raising one eyebrow at him. "So what is it you wanted with me, then? And why are you still glaring?"
Sasuke pointed a finger directly at my chest with all the dramatic flair his angsty teenage soul could muster. His onyx eyes were burning with the specific fury of a man who had been nursing a grudge for what was clearly days. "You," he said venomously. "Are not worthy of Naruko's love. She was supposed to be mine."
I just blinked at him. "...What?"
That was not the angle I had been expecting at all. I had been bracing for Sasuke being mad about Ranni casually one-shotting his entire team and shutting down his Sharingan with a single glance. Something petty about his pride or his dojutsu or his stupid revenge quest. Not... this.
Tsunade let out a long, deeply exhausted sigh, the kind only a Hokage could produce, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Apparently," she said wearily, "Sasuke Uchiha has had a big fat crush on Naruko this entire time. The dumb little romantic had it all planned out. Kill Itachi. Kill Orochimaru. Return to the village a big damn hero. Then marry Naruko and rebuild his clan, all wrapped up with a bow." She shook her head. "I saw a bunch of his thoughts and memories when I was un-fucking his head, like I said."
She winced the second the F-bomb left her mouth and shot a guilty look at the counter.
Kunou popped right back up from behind it, beaming a cheeky grin from ear to ear. Her cheeks were even more covered in cookie dough now than they had been a minute ago.
I gave her a flat look. "Kunou. Finish mixing the batter."
"But onii-chan, this is the good part!"
"Batter. Now."
She pouted hard and dropped back behind the counter, but I could still see her ears poking up over the edge and tilted toward us, listening intently. Sneaky little fox.
Sasuke had ignored that entire exchange. His glare was back on me at full force, and he flicked his Sharingan on for emphasis, those three red tomoe spinning lazily in each eye. "This is not over," he said in his best brooding voice. "I will win Naruko's heart back myself." Then he turned on his heel and stomped off toward the front door of my restaurant like he had not just made an utter ass of himself in front of every patron present.
I leaned across the counter and dropped my voice low to Tsunade. "Hey," I murmured. "Does he know Naruko is currently pregnant with my child?"
Tsunade shook her head rapidly, her blonde pigtails whipping. "Oh, fuck no. We are keeping that one very tightly under wraps. If Sasuke finds out right now, it might send him spiraling again, and I just spent three weeks reconstructing his mental architecture. I am not redoing that. It is part of the reason I am getting him out of the village and putting him under Rias." She glanced over her shoulder toward the door Sasuke had just stalked through, then leaned in closer. "Rias says she has plenty of redheaded cousins in the Gremory clan she can hopefully throw at him. She figures one of them will seduce him into chilling the fuck out and forgetting about Naruko entirely. Apparently 'Uzumaki-shaped redhead' is a very specific type for him, and Gremory women come in bulk."
I sighed and ran a hand down my face. Even though I loved her with everything I had, Rias Gremory was still a scheming devil at heart, and she would do whatever it took to get her favorite missing-nin into her peerage. Not that I would have done much differently in her shoes, if I was being honest. Sasuke would make her stupidly powerful, and just like having Tsunade as her Rook did.
"Good luck with all of that," was all I could manage.
Tsunade smirked. Then, before I could react, she grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked, pulling my whole upper body partway across the bar. My tails flicked up in surprise behind me.
She kissed me. Hot and unhurried, with just enough tongue to remind me of certain kappa-sake-fueled evenings in her office. When she finally pulled back, she licked her lips, savoring it. "Mmh. I am taking that as payment for you randomly dropping Sasuke's unconscious body right on top of my desk in the first place," she purred.
Then she turned on her heel and sauntered out of my restaurant, hips swaying in that way that always made the entire bar pretend to be looking somewhere else.
The door chimed shut behind her, and I stood there with my hands flat on the counter, my tails still slightly twitching.
Kunou popped back up from behind the bar with a wooden spoon clutched in both hands and a smear of dough across her nose. "Onii-chan, are you gonna be in a love triangle now?" she teased.
XXX