…..
The world Naruto lived in was split cleanly in half, like a blade edge drawn in moonlight. On one side were demons, portals, metaphysical conspiracies, soul sacrifices, and cults that wanted to play god. On the other was electricity bills, overpriced noodles, nosy teens lugging groceries, and a dating pool populated by perfectly ordinary women who wanted nice dinners, stable husbands, and men who didn't smell like late night demonic warehouse interrogations.
Currently Naruto was busy going through his smartphone with a deep frown on his face.
The problem?
Naruto belonged entirely to side one, but looked deceptively like a handsome resident of side two.
He discovered this paradox most brutally not in combat, but on a mobile app.
Twinkle was what every other human under thirty was absorbed with. Its interface was neon-bright and aggressively optimistic, determined to convince users that love was three swipes away and maybe premium currency. Susan once joked that the app was powered by broken hearts and subscription plans, which was funny until Naruto realized it was painfully accurate for him.
He created the profile exactly one month after the stadium incident, in a moment of "I should live like a human before hell remembers my Wi-Fi password." He uploaded a clean, non-bloody selfie, left the bio blank for a day, then eventually wrote something minimal:
"Private Investigator. Night owl. Coffee addict. If ghosts are real no spoilers please."
He thought it made him sound mysterious.
Kurama said it made him sound unemployable and emotionally unavailable.
Naruto didn't bother arguing.
Within 72 hours he had over fifty matches. That alone confirmed what he already feared: regular women were drawn to danger without the slightest understanding of the demon-grade risk involved.
Her name was Clara Jenkins, a twenty-one-year-old sports science student who worked at a local gym. The first time they talked, she sent a voice note that opened with energetic breathing and a smoothie blender in the background.
"Heyyy Twinkle match! You look like you could deadlift the moon. You train?"
"Sometimes," Naruto typed back. He meant sword drills in demonic ash hurricanes.
She thought he meant Pilates.
When they met at a smoothie bar, she showed up wearing leggings and an oversized hoodie that said "Sweat now, cry later." Naruto showed up wearing a leather jacket, his sword case swapped for a discreet metal equipment box in case demons skipped into juice stands. Clara talked for approximately twenty minutes straight while drinking something green and suspicious, explaining workout science with infinite passion.
"You should visit the gym! I can build you a routine for muscle retention, heart health, and emotional stability!"
Naruto smiled politely. "My cardio peaks when I'm falling off buildings."
"What?"
Naruto corrected, "I mean, with staircases. Lots of staircases."
She nodded. "Right right, stair workouts! Love that!"
She was sweet. Earnest. Hopeful. Tragically unprepared.
The date ended when a truck backfired outside and Naruto casually flicked his head toward the window, eyes narrowing, posture shifting into combat anticipation so sharply even the air changed tone.
She froze. The sudden change in demeanor caused her heart to skip a beat. "You're scaring me."
Naruto blinked and leaned back again, the threat evaporating just as quickly. "Sorry. Force of habit."
Two days later she unmatched him, leaving only one message behind:
"I want a boyfriend, not a boss fight."
He couldn't blame her, dating him was a risk of it own. The sooner she realized that the better. However, Kurama laughed for days. Pointing out the irony of the matter.
Next came Chloe Harcourt, twenty-two, culinary arts student, café waitress. The conversation leading to the date was actually almost normal.
Chloe: "So, you solve crimes?" Naruto: "I solve problems." Chloe: "Like bad boyfriends?" Naruto: "Like consequences."
She laughed hard enough to write "LOL" in all caps though no human had laughed that way sincerely since 2019.
They met at a small family restaurant where Chloe worked night shifts. She got them free dumplings, free tea, and a staff discount even though Naruto wasn't staff. Naruto spent the first half of the evening calmly nodding while watching the flow of the room like an experienced assassin auditing exits (and maybe emotions). Chloe thought it was cute until she realized he was mentally scanning for paranormal pressure coordinates.
"You don't relax, do you?" she asked, resting her chin on her palm.
Naruto sipped tea. "I am relaxed. This is relaxed. My spine is ninety percent surrender right now."
She giggled. Then, softer: "You're different than you look."
Naruto answered honestly, because lying in dating was worthless when your sword aura came if you whispered its Wi-Fi name. "Yeah. My job makes it hard to be regular."
Chloe's eyes dimmed slightly. "Is it worth it? Protecting strangers?"
Naruto paused. He fed stray cats who didn't appreciate him. He saved civilians who didn't remember him. Worth wasn't measured in gratitude. It was measured in continuation.
"I don't ask for thanks," Naruto said. "Just fewer missing persons cases."
She smiled faintly. "And here I thought you'd say fewer heartbreaks."
"Well," Naruto grinned, "fewer heartbreaks means fewer demons born from emotional damage. So either way, I win."
He decided to throw the word demon out there. Whether she believed it or not it doesn't matter.
She laughed again. Then asked if he carried weapons—Naruto said no. She said a man without weapons was rare. Naruto silently realized his entire back was literally weighed down by Purgatory's presence at home.
By dessert she said: "You should try dating someone like you."
Naruto raised an eyebrow. "A demon hunter investigator noodle addict insomniac private legend type guy?"
"I meant someone who can handle your world," she chuckled.
She unmatched him a day later too.
Her reason was kinder than Clara's:
"I don't fit in your shadows."
Naruto saved the message in his notes app anyway.
Sometimes rejection was data. Sometimes it was nostalgia.
Naruto wasn't bitter. He wasn't sad. He was simply the walking embodiment of "I could flirt but I'm tracking demonic DNA patterns in espresso foam." The women saw a tall, attractive PI with cheek marks that oddly resembled something wild. The city saw a lazy young man. Only Susan and Henry saw the night-forged steel part of him, and only Kurama saw the part that preceded legend by force.
Naruto found normal women intoxicatingly uncomplicated, which also made them tragically unsuitable. Demons were easy. Humanity was complicated. Romance was catastrophically unprepared for either.
Kurama didn't tell Naruto how to fight. He definitely didn't tell him how to date either. But he commented sometimes, briefly, like he was grading Naruto's emotional stealth stat.
"You stare like you're hunting blood trails when women talk."
"I zone out when people monologue," Naruto defended mentally. "You literally monologue at me."
"I monologue like an endboss. Women monologue like dinner."
The two of them fell into a moment of silence that seemed to last for a few minutes before Kurama said.
"Humans want warmth, Naruto."
Naruto: "I'm warm. Ninety-eight point six degrees even."
"Not the temperature, idiot."
Naruto smiled anyway.
The mutual relationship he had with the fox was ironic because it proved exactly why dating normal girls was dangerous: they heard pressure in thunder, earthquakes in footsteps, ghosts in fog. Naruto heard demon residue in the emotional vibration spectrum.
Kurama sometimes grumbled warnings only, even in dating scenarios:
If a room felt too empty, "Check corners."
If silence felt hungry, "Something is watching."
If a woman laughed too loudly, "Human or demon?"
If a pendant ever came up in conversation, Kurama didn't speak at all, but Naruto still instinctively reached for his weapon case reflexively, which kept dating conversations short and journalists discoursing long.
He kept trying anyway, because mid-twenties Naruto still had a reckless spark. Not the loud, teenage optimism spark, but the subtle, adult confidence spark that said "If I survive soul cults I can survive a date."
He could.
The dates couldn't survive him.
'I just want a normal life. I don't want to end up in my mid thirties and still be single like Dante' Naruto felt like crying after returning from another failed date. F things continued like this he might really end up single and lonely in his old age.
"Atleast you have me" Kurama chuckled.
Naruto rolled his eyes at him. Maybe I should just give up.
...