Chapter 38: To Live and To Die by the Potato
I shot up from my sun bathing chair.
It must've been a dream, I told myself.
The Codex sat on my lap, almost slipping off from the sudden jump back to reality. I gulped as my eyes landed on the chapter title
"The Elf That Rose."
So… not a dream, I whispered.
Before I could even begin to process what I'd just seen, I was interrupted…by two idiots.
"Oh my, I wouldn't have guessed you of all people would wanna start growing veggies," el said, giggling.
"And what's wrong with that? Are you saying I can't do it?" Mel huffed as she stared at el.
"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's just... I wouldn't have taken you as the whole farmer girl, you know?" el said dryly.
"You're making fun of me, aren't you? And I DON'T appreciate it," Mel screamed.
On the cloud, just a little ways from the main house, was a plot of fertile land. Stella and Stello told us they didn't have time to plant anything, but gave us all the resources we'd need to start our own little farm.
While Eliza did have a point that Mel wasn't exactly the gardening type, I was honestly curious to see how it would go.
"Maddox, tell El she should shut her pretentious mouth," Mel said, pouting.
"Well, I don't think that's very nice," El replied.
"Hey man, you're on your own here," I said. "It works out for me if she bullies you instead of me." i said drly.
I thought back to my orphanage days. I realized Eliza wasn't actually a bully—she just had that personality. She cared a lot about the people around her. Up until now, she hadn't seemed fully settled. But she'd clearly accepted Mel as a friend, and she was finally comfortable enough to tease her—just like she did with the rest of the kids back then. For some reason, that made me happy.
"So, what are we looking at here?"
We looked over pages of seeds provided by the giants. We immediately knew this would be harder than we thought.
Let's go down the list:
Jelly Bean carrots
Jello spinach
Steamed tomatoes
Angry potatoes
Violent hazel lollipops
Chili-sprinkled donuts
...Soup.
"What the hell am I looking at?" I said dryly. "It literally says soup on it. How the hell does one grow soup?" I added.
"So we're going to ignore the lollipops too, huh, Maddox?" El said, just as dry.
"Or the donuts," Mel added.
There were even more ludicrous ones in the pile, but we set them aside. That was a headache for another day. Stello and Stella's lands were literally made of food, so we should've expected their crops to be just as cursed.
Mel looked at the package labeled Angry Potatoes.
"Why do you think it's angry?" she asked.
"I don't know, man. But out of all the options, this seems like the most realistically manageable one," I said, the uncertainty heavy in my voice.
She opened the pack, revealing a shriveled-up potato... with a frown on it. It looked normal ,besides the frown. And since potatoes don't usually frown, that was...NOT normal.
"Okay," Mel said, "what I know about potatoes from Stella's guide to growing the ungrowable guide book is that they're easy to grow. I'll need to leave them in the sun for a bit so they can chit….or something like that, and get those weird roots so I can plant them in soil, right?"
"Seems right to me, but I've never grown potatoes before, so I don't know why you're asking me," I said lazily as I sunbathed.
"So helpful," Mel said dryly.
"I'm not even gonna ask you, Miss Meanie," she shot at El, who was sipping tea and knitting.
Mel used to knit us Christmas sweaters, itchy and godawfully ugly, but we loved them all the same. After everything, I was glad to see her get back into it.
"So hostile today, aren't we Mel?" El said.
"Well, you started it," Mel pouted.
The next day
We woke up to smashing and crashing outside.
"Where is it?! Where?!" a voice shouted.
We ran from our rooms, meeting in the corridor.
"Mel? El?" I said. "If you're here... then who's talking outside?"
I gulped. We were high up in the sky, no way someone had just walked up here. But still, the voice continued.
"Where is it..." it groaned.
We stood outside, and froze.
"Where is the soil?!" it roared.
In front of us was a potato. Its roots flailed like tentacles in every direction, searching for dirt. It had only been a day since Mel took it out of the bag. But it had definitely chitted its roots were long, like octopus legs, whipping around in the wind.
"WHERE is the damn SOIL?!" it screamed, now wrapping around El's foot and crawling up mine.
"Ew, so gross," El said, somehow keeping her composure.
"So should I kill it or...?" I asked. "Mel, your plant is alive. How the hell did you mess up growing potatoes?!"
"These aren't normal potatoes!" she shouted. "It's NOT my fault!"
The tendrils gripped her leg, and she squealed, tossing a bag of soil at it.
"Here! Take it! Now let go, freak!" Her fist glowed blue, she was ready to throw hands with this damn potato.
The moment the bag hit the ground, the roots dived in and snuggled deep into the soil. It stopped screaming... and just curled up, cozy in the dirt.
"Huh... I'm going back to sleep," I said.
"Same," El agreed.
"Wait, what about the potato?"
"We can deal with it in the morning. Or you can go twelve rounds with it. Your choice."
Mel shrugged.
"You better not wake me again... or else." Mel said squinting
"So now we're threatening potatoes, Miss Farmer Girl?" El giggled.
"Shut it and go to bed," Mel pouted.
The next day
"Okay... so yesterday had a few, um... surprises. But I think I've figured it out," Mel said.
"Sure," I said, still sunbathing. "I believe in you. Good luck."
She explained the new plan: soil and fertilizer. Angry potatoes grew faster than normal ones, so she'd prepare a batch, hover them over pots, and let the roots fall in. That way they'd plant themselves and avoid another screaming nightmare.
It sounded fine.
That night
Right before midnight, her plan seemed to be working... until the soil vibrated. Then shook. Then cracked.
"Unacceptable," the potatoes screamed. "WHERE IS THE SOIL?!"
Mel had forgotten to water it. The soil was dry. And the potatoes were not happy.
In the most ridiculous turn of events, they started multiplying, splitting like cells. One became two. Two became four. Then they slithered across the wooden boards like tiny horror movie villains.
The next day
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POTATOES?!" Mel cried, on her knees in defeat.
"Which one of you took them?! And Maddox, how long are you gonna keep sunbathing?!"
"Why would anyone want your creepy potatoes?" I asked.
"Maybe they slithered over the edge," El added. "You didn't water the batch yesterday."
"Wait, what? You're supposed to water them?"
"I have no words for you," El muttered, going back to knitting.
That day, Mel redid everything, this time actually watering the soil. She looked frustrated... but also oddly content. She smiled as she worked with the dirt, mixing, patting, planting. She usually acted tough and impulsive, but here? She was gentle. Careful. Caring. It was... nice.
That night
I woke up gasping. Something was violating my face with roots, trying to drill into me screaming for soil. I fought it off and looked around dozens of potatoes crawling on walls, floors, ceilings, screaming:
"WHERE IS THE SOIL?!"
El screamed from her room. I raced to her, kicking potatoes aside. She stood on her bed, surrounded by the chaos.
"Maddox, WHAT IS THIS?!"
"Looks like a bunch of potatoes to me," I said.
[Shoe: Launched. Direct headshot.]
She teleported into my arms.
"Don't let any of those things TOUCH me!"
We ran to Mel's room she was STILL snoring, potatoes suctioned to her face.
"She can't be serious..." El said.
"I don't know what to say," I admitted.
I stepped in to help–
"WE are not going in there!" El shouted.
Teleport, body slam. Mel landed on El, snoring louder. I ran to the front door carrying both. El managed to yank the potato off Mel's face.
"GASP thought I was gonna die!" Mel wheezed.
"You almost did, dumbass!" we shouted in sync.
We opened the front door and froze. Hundreds of potatoes slithered around, screaming for soil.
"Why are there so MANY?! What did you DO, Mel?!"
"I…..I didn't plant this many!"
And then... the potatoes stopped. Under the moonlight, they turned to us.
They charged.
I summoned my cold-blue sword,Excalibur and slashed.
"They're ATTACKING?! WHY?!" El shouted.
"Maybe they're after nutrients... we're the closest thing."
"Oh, now you're a potato expert?" I snapped. "I REFUSE to die to potatoes!"
It was on.
The three of us in onesie PJs…Red, Blue, and Pink versus a horde of bloodthirsty potatoes. I ran in first, slicing through potatoes and kicking away the ones that lunged for my feet.
"Fine," El said.
She focused hard,and plop,a red bow appeared in her hands, the arrows lined with sharp red spikes. She steadied her aim and let loose.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Headshot after headshot. She didn't miss once. One, two, three bullseye.
When her red quiver ran out of arrows, she focused again, and they teleported back into her satchel, ready to fire again.
"That's so cool, El! I didn't know you could use a bow and arrow."
She blushed slightly.
"I've been training. Just like the rest of you. I won't fall behind," she said.
"Fine. I'll get serious too," Mel said.
Her fists glowed blue as she dove into the swarm,literally punching her way through like a blue comet. Fists blazing, power flying.
After a few painful hours, the sun finally broke over the sky. Orange streaks of light replaced the blue of the night as we sat, exhausted, slumped on the floor.
We'd done it. They were gone. Every last one of those creepy potatoes.
"Why the hell do those even exist?" I asked, panting.
"Truly disgusting things," El added.
"Hey guys!" Mel called out, her voice high-pitched with excitement.
She ran over to the garden plot.
"Look!"
Tiny sprouts poked out from the dirt little green leaves reaching for the sun.
"They're growing! The ones I planted yesterday... they made it!"
She was so happy. Too happy. We wanted to remind her that she literally almost got us killed by a swarm of angry, sentient potatoes…..but we didn't.
Her smile was worth every nightmare I was going to have for the next few nights.
Me and El looked at each other and smiled. Then we ran to her, to see her marvelous, lovely garden of angry potatoes.
And that's how Mel became our team's dedicated farmer. Obviously, she had to put us through a life-threatening root-hell first.
But hey…like they say
A farmer must live and die by the potato...or something like that, at least.