Celia's Perspective:
1/1/2018 - 9:31 AM
I tucked my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them.
The grass was cool against my legs, the tree behind me rough but grounding. My shoulders slumped, my head lowered until my chin nearly touched my knees.
I tried to smile — but it slipped away before it even formed.
All that came out was a long, tired sigh.
Kaiser didn't say anything.
He just shifted slightly closer, sitting next to me with his back against the same tree. I could hear his breathing — steady, slow.
He wasn't looking at me, and somehow, that made it easier to talk.
"It's… about me." The words barely made it out, more air than sound.
He tilted his head a little, eyes still forward.
"Go ahead, Lia," he said softly. "I'm listening."
I swallowed, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "I wanted to tell you about me… a bit."
…
"I've always had this…" I paused, searching for the right word, but nothing felt right. "This burning question inside me. About how you really see me… from the way I act. The way I behave with you."
The words started to spill out faster, unevenly. "Sometimes I'm… a little controlling. Or pushy. Maybe even forceful. I know that. I know it must be… annoying sometimes."
I forced a laugh, but it sounded hollow.
My arms squeezed around my knees tighter.
"But even then… you never mocked me for it. You never—" My voice cracked.
I bit my lip, looking down at the dirt, hiding my face behind a curtain of white hair.
Why does he stay so calm when I lose myself like that? Why doesn't he just… tell me to stop? To go away? He should hate me by now… right? I'm that annoying of a person.
My throat tightened. "Can you…" I hesitated, my voice shrinking. "Can I… tell you about my childhood? A bit?"
Kaiser turned his head slightly toward me, his tone still gentle.
"You can," he said. "Tell me as much as you want."
The wind stirred the leaves. My heart hurt. Not fast — just heavy.
I stared at the ground, clenching my teeth until my jaw trembled. Every memory felt like something pressing against my chest from the inside, trying to crawl its way out.
"Kai…" I whispered. "I don't know how you'll… think of me after this. But I…"
The words tangled again, my breath hitching.
"I really want to share it with you. And… ask you something."
He nodded silently. His blue eyes — calm, patient — told me to continue. And that quiet understanding… was enough for me to take a breath.
"I was born in a small village…" I started, my voice trembling like the air before a storm. "My parents were… there to raise me. And I had an older sister."
For a second, I smiled.
It was faint — a memory trying to surface — but it faded just as quickly.
"Even so… growing up… maybe I was a little… left out by others."
Kaiser didn't move. He didn't interrupt. He just stayed, listening.
And that silence — that patience — was what made it harder to stop talking.
"My village believed in angels," I continued. "In Celestara's blessing — in people chosen by light. And my mother… She was so religious. She wanted me to be one. To be an angel — someone who smiled, who healed, who helped others."
I forced a tiny laugh, bitter and hollow. "So I tried. I did what she wanted. I smiled. I helped. I said kind things to everyone."
I looked down, fingers gripping the fabric of my dress.
"The villagers adored me… they said I was Celestara's daughter. They said my smile brought light. But I always wondered…"
My voice broke.
"Was it really me they saw? Or just the version of me they wanted to believe in?"
A tear finally slid down my cheek. I didn't even bother wiping it away.
"I had to smile at everyone. All the time. Even when I was sad. Even when I was hurt. Nobody ever asked if I was okay."
I bit my lip, trembling.
"They just saw the angel — not the little girl behind her."
Kaiser's gaze softened.
"When I asked my parents to buy me… dolls or toys…" I gave a shaky breath, my voice getting smaller. "They didn't. They said angels don't need those things. I only had my sister's old doll — she gave it to me. That was all."
My hands tightened around my knees. "I was seven, Kai. Seven. But they wanted me to act mature. To act perfect. I wasn't allowed to… to just be a child."
I looked up at him for a second — his face steady, calm — and then back down again.
"The other kids in the village… They played together. They laughed. They fought and made up. They could cry if they wanted. They could be loud."
My voice lowered to a whisper. "And I couldn't."
"I used to watch them from my window. Sometimes, when it rained, I wanted to go out too. Just to get wet. To feel it. But my mother would scold me — she said rain could curse me, make me sick, make me less angelic."
I gave a quiet, trembling chuckle — one that hurt to make.
"My sister Lyra… she was different. She treated me kindly. Gently. But even she…"
"Even she looked at me with the same eyes as them. Expecting me to be the 'good' one. The mature one."
My throat burned. "And so I smiled. And smiled. Until it didn't even feel like a face anymore. Just… a mask."
And maybe that's why I became like this. So desperate to be loved that I forgot what it means to just be me.
"I didn't know how to be me anymore. I only knew how to be… what they wanted."
The silence that followed was heavy — but not cold.
Kaiser slowly reached out, brushing his thumb under my eye to catch a tear before it fell.
His voice came softly, like a whisper that didn't want to disturb the air.
"…You don't have to be anyone's angel now, Lia."
I hesitated, the silence between us stretching thin.
"...I, um..."
"You can continue, Lia." Kaiser's voice was low, gentle.
Taking a shaky breath, I nodded.
"Even if I had friends... I couldn't really be like them. They were allowed to laugh, to run around, to make mistakes..."
"But me... I was scolded, sometimes even punished, for the smallest things."
I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling the tremor in my voice.
"There was once this pretty blue flower... it grew far away, on top of a mountain near our village. I saw it from a distance once—it looked... magical. It wasn't like any flower from our garden, it almost shimmered under the moonlight."
Kaiser's lips parted slightly in surprise, a quiet sound of realizing hitting him.
"A blue flower...?"
"Mhm," I nodded faintly, eyes downcast. "I asked my father about it—no, begged him. But he scolded me. Said it was childish. Said I should be content with the flowers in our garden."
A faint, broken smile crossed my lips. "But that one... it was different. It looked alive, like it was smiling back at me. I wanted to put it in my hair, just once, and look in the mirror and think... Maybe I could be pretty too."
The words left me like a confession. My fingers curled around my knees as my voice turned softer.
"I don't think I'd ever said it to anyone before... but I used to think I was ugly. When I looked at myself, all I saw was the girl everyone wanted me to be—not me."
Kaiser didn't say anything.
"They didn't give me permission, and I... I couldn't stop thinking about it. I dreamed about that flower for nights. It was like... the more I was told no, the more I needed to go."
"So I snuck out one night... just to find it. The forest was dark—terrifying even—and I was so small. I remember my hands shaking as I held a lantern, the sound of branches cracking under my feet... I was crying, but I didn't stop walking."
"You were really determined." Kaiser's voice came quietly, laced with deep thoughts.
A weak laugh escaped me, half-sad, half-nostalgic.
"I guess I was. But maybe it wasn't just about the flower... maybe I wanted to feel like I could want something for myself. Something that wasn't chosen or approved by anyone else."
"It was the one thing that felt... mine."
I took a breath, closing my eyes as the memory played behind them.
"I stumbled a lot on the way, tripped over roots and scraped my knees... I didn't even know where I was going, but I just... kept climbing."
"Then… there was this—" I paused, trembling. "A scary monster in front of me."
My words quivered, and my nails dug slightly into my palms. "It had this horrible face… I don't even know what it was. I tried to run, but my knee was already scraped… and I fell again. It hurt even more."
"I was crying, screaming for help. It kept coming closer, those heavy steps…" I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat refusing to go away. "I was so scared, Kai. I thought that was it."
My breathing grew unsteady.
"Then—someone else called out to it. Threw a rock. And ran the other way. The creature turned and chased after him…"
Kaiser's eyes widened. The realization hit him like lightning, his mouth falling open slightly. He glanced down at his palms, silent, as if searching for something lost there.
I continued, voice small.
"After a while, I stopped crying. I could still hear the monster's roars fading deeper into the woods. My knee was bleeding badly... I didn't know how to walk back."
"Then I heard footsteps again."
I looked up faintly at him. "It was that same boy. He had black hair… and blue eyes, just like yours."
Kaiser froze. The world around us seemed to fall quiet.
"He came to me, helped me up… reached out his hand."
My gaze softened as the memory flooded back. "I asked him who he was. He didn't tell me his name. He just… tore a piece of his shirt and tied it around my knee. Told me I needed to treat it soon."
My voice broke into a small laugh — fragile, but warm.
"He was the same age as me. Maybe eight, or nine."
"I remember crying again, telling him I wanted that flower. I could barely speak properly… but he understood. He held my hand and said he'd take me there."
Kaiser turned his head fully toward me, eyes wide, his expression unreadable — a storm of disbelief, wonder, and something deeper.
"It was…" he began softly, voice cracking.
I met his gaze, smiling faintly through tears. "It was me."
Kaiser's breath hitched, but before he could speak, I continued.
"You looked different back then... but your eyes—" I paused, placing a trembling hand over my heart. "They were the same."
I could still feel it — that boy's hand holding mine, careful, protective. "He walked slowly so I could keep up, even though I was hurt. He didn't treat me like I was fragile... he just stayed beside me."
"I asked why he was there," I said, my eyes misty. "He said he wanted to pluck a flower too. Just like me."
A small, sad smile touched my lips. "I didn't have a name back then… not a real one. And he didn't share his. He said I could call him Kai, for short."
I let the name linger in the air — Kai — feeling how heavy it was now.
"Kai told me something I never forgot." My voice trembled again.
"He said I didn't need to force my smile. That… I could stop pretending."
My throat tightened. "It was the first time anyone had said that to me. The first time someone asked if I was really okay."
"When I asked how he knew, he just said… he could tell."
My lips quivered as tears finally rolled down my cheeks.
"I didn't understand it then. Not until we reached the top."
My eyes softened as I looked up at the above, lost in memory.
"It was beautiful. I could see my whole village from there. The moonlight over the valley. The wind brushing my face."
"He picked the blue flower for me," I said, smiling faintly through tears. "And he tucked it into my hair."
Kaiser said nothing. But his eyes — those same blue eyes — glistened faintly.
"I remember how happy I was," I whispered. "He told me I looked pretty."
I let out a small laugh, breaking between sobs.
"I asked if he meant the flower… or me."
Kaiser's lips parted, breath unsteady.
"He shook his head," I said, closing my eyes, voice barely above a whisper.
"And said… 'Your real smile looks prettier.'"
"Kai then picked up another blue flower," I said softly, eyes distant. "He put it inside his small satchel."
"He looked at my wound — still bleeding a little"
"It'll be hard to go down like this. Where's your village?"
I pointed with my little hand, sniffling.
He nodded, and after a moment said he'd help me back.
And he did.
"He held my hand the entire way down. Every step felt safer because of him."
That night, I felt something I hadn't before — like I could breathe again.
I remember asking him what he liked, just to hear his voice again.
He said, "Reading, a little."
"And I told him, proudly, 'I love sewing.' I even said I'd make him a scarf if he ever came to my village."
I laughed softly telling Kaiser, "I annoyed him so much that night... I wasn't even that talkative, but... I tried. I just wanted to talk to someone who actually saw past me."
Kaiser — sitting next to me now — gave a faint chuckle, his voice low.
"You still do that."
I smiled weakly. "I know."
He smiled at me back then too — the boy — and said,
"Maybe one day."
"The whole path down, he never once let go of my hand. After saving me from that monster… after calling me pretty… He walked me all the way to my village."
"When we finally reached the edge, he said he had to go."
"I still remember that exact moment — how I felt something in me tearing away.
But I smiled anyway and waved goodbye."
"Take care of yourself," I told him.
"He smiled one last time… and then turned, walking back up the mountain. I never saw him again."
"That blue flower he gave me… I kept it close that night."
It glinted faintly under the moonlight, like a little piece of the sky itself.
"Maybe... I thought I could finally be myself too. Maybe I could smile for real."
But they didn't let me.
"The next morning, after my parents found out — they saw the flower.
I was so proud. I told Mama how someone had helped me get it."
"But—"
My voice cracked as I spoke, the tears already gathering in my eyes.
"They scolded me... they took it away from me."
Kaiser didn't move. He just sat there, listening, silent but his hands were clenched — I could see it from the corner of my eye.
"My father was angry. Lyra too. They said I was reckless... that I could've died, and that trusting a stranger was foolish."
The tears fell now, harder, trembling down my cheeks.
"But... the worst part—"
My throat closed. I bit down, trying to speak.
"My mother… she burnt the flower in front of me."
Kaiser's eyes widened slightly, his breath catching.
"That hurt the most," I whispered, voice breaking. "Watching it burn. It felt like she was burning me with it."
My words shook now, my voice louder, trembling.
"They called me stubborn... annoying... for crying over it. It was the last time I cried in front of anyone. They told me— they told me it wasn't like me."
And before I could stop myself, the scream broke out of me:
"IT WAS ME!"
Kaiser's hand flinched slightly, startled — but his eyes softened instantly.
I sobbed harder, fists tightening in my lap.
"I told them it was me! The person they kept telling me not to be... the girl who just wanted to be herself, not because she had to!"
The tears wouldn't stop.
"I ran away from home after that... tried telling my friends, hoping they'd understand."
"But they didn't. They said I was stubborn too. That it was just a flower."
A small, bitter laugh escaped me through the crying. "Just a flower..."
I shook my head.
"They even laughed about it... mocked me for crying. For such a small thing."
"Small thing…"
The silence that followed was heavy — only my quiet sobs breaking it.
I pulled my knees closer, hugging them, my voice shrinking.
"It hurt so much, Kai. So much that... I stopped crying altogether after that day."
"I Choose to Isolate myself from the world."
"I hated myself…"
I wiped my own tears, but they just kept falling again, one after another, like the rain that used to hit my window when I wasn't allowed to go outside. My chest felt tight, heavy, like something was pressing on it from the inside.
"In my childhood…" my voice cracked, my throat burning, "I was a liar. I lied and I faked myself. I had no identity. I never was me. They told me who I had to be, and I just— followed it."
I let out a short, broken laugh, bitter enough to sting.
"I was ugly. And pathetic."
My knees pulled closer to my chest. I buried my face against them, my body trembling with the quiet sound of my own sobs.
Then… I felt something warm touch my cheek.
I flinched a little— but it was just his hand.
Kaiser was kneeling in front of me now, silent, his expression soft. His thumb brushed away one of my tears before it could fall. The world around us went quiet, and only the faint wind filled the space between our breathing.
My lips quivered as I looked at him through blurry eyes.
"It was you that day too… wasn't it?" My voice broke. "Tell me!"
He didn't reply. His gaze wavered for a second, quiet— thinking.
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, louder, faster, desperate.
"You saved me that time," I said, my tone trembling. "You were the first person to see through those lies. And again— in Levinton, when no one else did… every time I fake something, every time I wear another face, you notice it. Instantly."
My hand reached for his, almost begging for the truth, fingers curling around his.
"Please…" I whispered. "Please tell me it was you."
He stayed silent for a few more seconds that felt like forever. Then his lips parted, voice low and steady.
"It was me. Back then too."
I gasped faintly, the air leaving my lungs.
"I didn't realize it was you," he continued softly, "You had brown hair and eyes at that time. You looked… different."
I felt the tears spill again, but this time they didn't burn.
"You unknowingly saved me… twice," I whispered, trembling.
My voice quivered as I continued, almost losing itself between crying and breathing.
"The first time we met… I felt safe with you. Even if you didn't know what you did for me. The countless times you saved me— getting yourself hurt again and again—"
I clenched my fists. "You thought I wouldn't notice, but I did!"
I reached for his arm, both of my hands holding his forearm tightly. The same place I remembered— scratched, bleeding, all those years ago.
"That night," I said, shaking, "you were hurt luring that monster away from me. You had a cut here. Right here…"
My voice softened as my fingers brushed that same place on his arm.
"That's why…" I said, my throat tight, "after realizing it in Levinton… I started getting obsessed with you. But not because you helped me when nobody did."
I looked up, eyes wet, my heart pounding out of control.
"But because you cared about me. Even after seeing me at my worst."
My hands trembled as I gripped his sleeve. "When everyone hated me, when they wanted me to be someone I wasn't… when they wanted me to kill myself… You didn't. You never did."
Kaiser didn't speak. His eyes softened, almost pained— like he wanted to say something but knew that I needed to let it out first.
"Yet even now— even now, you don't mock me or laugh when I bother you!"
I clenched my fists tighter against him, my eyes red and swollen, trembling.
"Tell me why!"
He blinked, silent, and I couldn't stop.
"WHY!" I screamed, my voice echoing faintly through the quiet park.
"Why do you always do this!? Why do you make me feel like I am important!? Even when I'm useless, ugly, even when I'm not who I'm supposed to be—"
The last words came out as a whimper.
"Why…?"
My breathing hitched again. I hated how I sounded— desperate, fragile, needy.
But I couldn't stop.
I shouldn't yell at him. I should stop. He'll think I'm pathetic again. He'll leave.
But… I want to know. I need to know why.
I looked up, my voice almost gone.
"Why didn't you ever… hate me, Kai?"