For how long does this dedication has to keep up ? I don't know, for maybe as far as i live. Just my luck for trying to make my assumption a reality. That's what you get. I should just kept it only to myself and imagining it in my head. Curiosity makes it arise, as an excuse I would say I want to try.
Probably everyone is wondering what's this all about. Let me tell an experience that I have go through that makes me regret and traumatized for a lifetime. All the support that I need would be much appreciated for me just to share this openly.
First of all, let me introduce myself. I am a girl, mid 20's - living a normal life. My whole life has been great. Living the life that's maybe everybody wants, I guess. I did pretty good at school and can managed well in Uni without anything I would just mind my own business.
The type that would not care for anyone or anything and just making her way of what she wants. It was perfect. You can say that I am almost unbreakable and always on par with anything that comes in the way. I was born to be this way as I always thought that I am weak in certain parts so I have to focus and gain something to be proud of.
Things took a wrong turn for this. Believing it was a God's sign for me. I always had a small hooked for girls, for real. To remind you again, I am a girl too. Ever since I was a kid I always like to look at girls rather than boys. This maybe because of my boyish character as well and not to mention how I like to dress up simple.
My feature is pretty decent so makeup is out of league for me and I don't care for much on girlies items. Only the essentials, though. My family also doesn't seems to care for it too. As long as I am comfortable and happy.
At first, I thought it was normal to feel that way so I would just slide it through my mind and carry in with the usual. It was only a slight feeling and to be honest most of the time I would focus on much more on other matters that I think way important.
I reach a phase where you can say 'exposed to reality'. I began to learn and know a lot about the social life that we lived in today. As an open minded person, I openly accepted every information as to know - maybe too open for a naive girl. Curiosity overwhelmed me as it goes by and my passion for more has penetrate deeply in me.
Getting to know more and learn as much as I greed, I notice that the feeling i had always felt for girls was maybe true all the time. It's confirmed. The feeling of whipped, amazed and love-struck. Something you would feel when you see or met with people that you idolized.
Only the sun will shine and mesmerized in it's figure. Fast heart beat, struggling to breathe and limbs feels numb together with soulless body. Loving and observing every step they take, the behavior, the character and the form of beauty in all of it self. Those who knows the feeling will understand.
This feeling don't seems to appear when I'm with boys though. It's not like I'm interested in them but I don't be as passionate for them rather that girls.
CanI consider myself as bi ?
It sucks for me. To be honest, I'm so confused to tell if it's normal or not to have this feeling.
Applied for celebrities at first but slowly I would look at people around me. People that I knew and people that I met. I started to have a standard for anyone that I became close or would say as friends. Frankly speaking, I like to look at beautiful 'things'. It was low profile so nobody suspected anything and things went under control pleasantly.
I notice that I always had special attention towards the same gender, no lie as this has been going on for most of the time. Even in photos or videos it would be 90% girls and 10% for others - I mean boys.
I know the majority would say, why you took interest on same type of reproductive system? I know that too, for God's sake. Have you ever feel the sparks when you look at something you like, items or human being? Like an idol or actor that you adore.
It's the same for me so my brain think it's normal. As time passed, it began to deepen - as it's to confirm. This time, I even admit it to my friends that I like to look at women more than men. They took it as a joke of course but some began to monitor my behavior.
That time I got no boyfriend or someone that I actually like, so a few 'audience' kinda believe to what I said. Part of me just let it be though as I enjoy seeing them mesmerize in their curiosity. I admit I'm a clingy especially for those that I like. I like to make people comfortable around me, it's like a sense of trust and affection between interaction. For girls it would be extra.