Banaded was an old Goa'uld, old enough to have been on Tau'ri before Ra had banished them all from the first world. He had been a minor Goa'uld then and had carved a small niche for himself as a ram-god, which was the symbol that his Jaffa still carried.
He was actually still a minor Goa'uld, but unlike in his younger days when he had thirsted for a higher position, he had now made peace with the fact that he would always be a minor Goa'uld. Once, long ago, he had managed to acquire a Queen and aspired to rise to the rank of System Lord.
Those aspirations came crashing down when he found himself severely outmatched in military cunning by his rivals and unable to keep the ambitions of his underlings in check. His Queen had betrayed him in exchange for a better position with a rival and eventually been killed by rivals of her own, while his own forces had suffered crippling loses, forcing him to beg for the protection of the Supreme System Lord.
Ra had agreed and placed him as the Planet Lord of some forsaken backwater, with a contingent of his personal Jaffa keeping an eye him in case of treachery.
Banaded had seethed at the humiliation of it for some time before calming down and accepting his new position and eventually discovering that he was actually content with being a minor Goa'uld in service to a more powerful one.
Ra had eventually noticed the shift, as well as his skill in planetary administration and assigned him to the governance of Saral, which was a minor trade planet generally dealing in domestic slaves, crafts slaves, pleasure slaves, clothing materials and foodstuff, mostly various grains. Ra had also pulled back his own Jaffa and allowed Banaded to use his own eventually. As of yet, no large deposits of any precious metals had been found on Saral, most especially not naquadah, but it did boast some very fertile land and mild seasons.
In short, there was no reason to attack it and every reason to leave it be, meaning that the only danger came from its human population. However, unlike Zeus who had never been a Planet Lord and was terribly inept at managing the human population, Banaded knew that you couldn't just demand endless labor from slaves and expect to get optimal results.
He had presided over Saral for centuries now and had increased its profits considerably, all the while keeping the human population in check with a minimum of productivity reducing bloodshed. While still needing to work long hours in the fields and suffering the minor league oppression perpetrated by Banaded, it was having their most beautiful sons and daughters taken from them to be trained as pleasure slaves that incited thoughts of rebellion among the humans.
Banaded managed to keep most of this contained through judicious use of religious propaganda, painting it out to be an honor to serve the gods in such a way and if that didn't work, demonstrations of superior force.
The only ambitions he had left were to be given control over one of the larger trade hubs in Ra's territory and maintaining his current safe, hedonistic lifestyle.
When his Jaffa had come to tell him that the Great and Powerful Uzu had come to do trade, bringing with him sixty Jaffa, all carrying crates full of naquadah, he had felt that his goal of becoming Ra's chief Planet Lord was just a bit closer than he'd thought it might be. Naquadah was the cornerstone of all Goa'uld technology and was always in high demand. A smallish trade planet like Saral usually didn't have that amount of the rare metal pass through it in a year.
He had never heard of a Goa'uld called Uzu before, but that didn't mean much and just about every Goa'uld introduced themselves with some grand title anyway. It was entirely possible that he was an ambitious newcomer that usually operated on the other side of the Galaxy and had come to Saral to make a trade without his rivals noticing. His name certainly sounded as if he'd come from the regimes of either the Shinto pantheon or perhaps the ancient System Lord Yu-huang Shang Ti, which were established in those parts.
It was when he caught sight of the host that Uzu was using however, that Banaded began to think that his ascension to the coveted position of chief Planet Lord in Ra's service was within arms reach.
Uzu's host was a massive male of a hitherto unknown species that bore a striking similarity to humans, except for the distinctly predatory eyes, claws, fangs and the great horns on his head.
A human of such size, physique and glorious hair color would have been an invaluable commodity as a host to many Goa'uld who preferred their hosts to be physically imposing. The fact that he was clearly not human would only have further raised his value. There was no small amount of Goa'uld who would still be using Unas hosts if the lizard like species that shared a homeworld with the Goa'uld hadn't started adapting their massively powerful immune systems to reject possession. A new, physically powerful species that could be taken as hosts would appeal to many.
Sokar, for example, would have traded exorbitant amounts of naquadah to get his hands on such a menacing looking specimen, probably even at the cutthroat rates that Goa'uld who were not in Ra's service incurred when trading on Saral. Too bad that he'd been banished recently, but there were bound to be others who would want one.
This of course all hinged on whether Uzu could be convinced to either reveal where he had come across this new species, or failing that if he could be bargained with to provide a few. Banaded strongly suspected that Uzu had only recently risen to power exactly because he had discovered this unknown but impressive looking species. Promises to provide other Goa'uld with such creatures for whatever purpose they wanted them would have been enough to gain him many things in exchange for nearly nothing.
Of course he'd be facing obliteration from irate Goa'uld if he failed to deliver on his promises but that was just business as usual.
Despite his greed at the chance of an extremely profitable trade, he was still wary. Mostly he only traded with other underlings of Ra, with the occasional visitor who'd come from the dominion of another System Lord or an independent minor Goa'uld, all of which brought with them only a small contingent of warriors.
Sixty was a number well beyond what he was comfortable hosting, even if Uzu did have the excuse of needing them to carry all those crates. He'd already had his First Prime check the crates to make sure there really was naquadah in there and had been gratified to know that they were indeed full of the valuable ore.
He had still reassigned many of his warriors to watch the newcomers however. You could never be too careful, even if Uzu's Jaffa had only come armed with Zat'nik'tels instead of staff weapons and even if only a small number of them were armed.
Banaded had no idea that Naruto considered the Ma'tok staff weapon to be a cumbersome piece of crap that wasn't worth using. Sure, it was a plasma weapon, which was certainly the most advanced firearm he'd ever seen, but its design was just so stupid.
There was no practical reason whatsoever for shaping it like a staff, not when it's component parts could fit into a much smaller casing. It was too long and too heavy to aim effectively and the heavy cobra hood like covering on its back end continuously kept throwing off the aim. It worked great as a counterweight for a melee weapon, but it was horrible on a ranged one.
Naruto basically considered it to be a semi-automatic flintlock rifle that just happened to shoot plasma bolts, except harder to aim.
The zat'nik'tel sidearm was at least more compact, even if it was still shaped like a coiled serpent for some retarded reason. True, it couldn't kill with a single shot, but it would still incapacitate and it was much easier to use.
"I welcome you to my planet lord Uzu, and hope that trade between us may be profitable." Banaded said after two of his Jaffa had led the horned man into the room and took guard positions in the corners and he'd gotten over the shock of his guest's appearance.
"I am certain that it will be." Naruto replied, easily faking the Goa'uld-ish tone of voice and using a minor Genjutsu to make the Goa'uld think that he was sensing the presence of naquadah that all Goa'uld had in their bloodstream from him.
He also had to prevent his eye from twitching at the ridiculous preponderance of the color gold in the room. Gold plastered walls, gold colored curtains, gold embroidered cousins. Seriously.
Even the Goa'uld himself was wrapped up in a lot of gold, his host being a man of Egyptian descent with braided black hair, dressed as a high priest of old and heavily decorated with, you guessed it, gold!
Banaded fought down the nervous crawling sensation in his host's stomach at the rolling thunder of Uzu's voice, the natural growl in it further deepened by the Goa'uld tone. He definitely needed to get ahold of a few such hosts.
"I must say that yours is a most impressive host." Banaded commented, hoping to learn where more like it could be found.
"My Queen thinks so too." Naruto agreed vaguely. His body was a host for his soul if you wanted to be technical and Xanna did find it impressive.
While Banaded was surprised that Uzu already had a Queen, it was not that big of a surprise. It was nigh impossible for a Goa'uld to establish himself as a great power without a Queen to spawn new larva for his Jaffa. The comparative rarity of Queens simply meant that most of them were either in the service or thrall of the System Lords and the stronger independent Goa'uld that managed to stay independent.
"How did you come by it?" Banaded tried to draw information from his guest once more.
"With great difficulty." Naruto answered with a smirk, being deliberately vague and knowing that he needed to delay for a while longer if he wanted to avoid being forced into steamrolling the opposition all by himself. Again. Xanna wanted him to treat this like an RTS strategy game(one that he wasn't allowed to cheat at), which meant that he couldn't just point and click and delete.
A rather callous approach to the lives of their subjects, but nobody had ever accused Xanna of being particularly humanitarian.
"Perhaps you would like to see my most recent batch of trained slaves?" Banaded redirected, seeing that his guest wasn't about to let slip anything. Disappointing, but not surprising.
"That's why I'm here." Naruto said, speaking truthfully but only marginally so.
The following half an hour or so was an exhibition of attractive young men and women of various skin tones ranging from very dark to light olive, dressed in skimpy outfits and oiled to make their skin gleam in the torchlight.
Naruto listened with an expressionless face as the Goa'uld made his sales pitch, extolling about how these people had gone through years of training to serve whichever master chose them in the skills they were trained in and how they were kept in peak physical form in case any Goa'uld wanted them as a host for one of their underlings or even themselves.
He was oddly reminded of a greasy car salesman as he added that they were even suitable for use as Lo'taurs, personal servants of Goa'uld whose primary role was to serve as an emergency host if their current one was to be fatally injured somehow.
"That's quite enough, I'll take them." Naruto interrupted when he saw that the slimy worm was about to offer that he 'sample' one of the women, a very pretty girl with a dark tan skin tone that had obviously been trained as a pleasure slave exclusively.
She was terrified of him but doing her best not to show it, knowing that a punishment would follow if she did so. Naruto could practically feel his soft spot for cute girls kicking in, even though he knew that it was likely just his appearance that unsettled her rather than the prospect of having to sleep with him. Having been trained for a young age for that exact purpose likely meant that she'd come to see it as her purpose in life, but his little sister complex didn't care about technicalities.
The situation with the Jaffa had most likely had enough time to settle down at any rate.
"Which ones?" Banaded asked, a bit nonplussed at the interruption but nonetheless pleased.
"All of them."
"That will be very expensive." Banaded cautioned but his voice was full of greed. "If you take them all, then I won't be able to accommodate any of my other buyers."
"That won't be a problem." Naruto assured him.
"I beg to differ, even the amount of naquadah you brought with you would not cover the expense of such a thing, but perhaps if you could provide a few examples of your host's species, we could make a trade." Banaded bargained, getting to what he really wanted. The amount of naquadah that Uzu had brought with him would have actually been sufficient, but the chance at a new host species was not to be wasted.
"We seem to have a misunderstanding." Naruto said mildly. "When I said that I'll take them all, I mean that I will be taking all of these, your own personal servants and attendants, all of your Jaffa, the entire human population of this planet, all of your food stores, all the tools, furniture, building materials, technology and any other resources you might have that isn't nailed down."
That was a lie actually. If it was nailed down, he'd just rip it up, but a man had to finish his sentences somehow.
The two Jaffa standing guard in the room reacted even as their shocked lord simply stared at the horned man, brandishing their staff weapons at the sudden threat.
Naruto reacted faster though, kicking a low table at the more distant one with enough force to knock him out and grabbing the bulbous tip of the staff of the closest one before it could even be primed, squeezing so hard that it crumpled under his strength, destroying the firing mechanism completely. A moment later, the shocked Jaffa's head crashed into the wall and he joined his comrade in unconsciousness.
The slaves still in the room shrieked and ducked for cover at the sudden violence, while Naruto advanced towards the backpedaling and terrified Goa'uld.
"You had your own warriors so busy watching my Jaffa that you didn't consider that I might be the real threat, now I'm going to kill you and take command of them without opposition." He growled menacingly, deliberately peeling his lips away from his teeth to show the strings of saliva dripping from their points.
Score one for the Alien movie series. Those Xenomorphs sure knew how to make scary faces.
"Thanks for that by the way, that many warriors would have been able to overpower me." Naruto continued, lying outright.
Banaded retreated rapidly, eyes wide with terror at his mistake. He hadn't expected that anyone would attack him here. Visiting Goa'uld were required to relinquish their kara kesh devices, which Uzu had done and they had sat far enough apart in the meeting room that it wouldn't be possible to use any hidden knives. Certainly, no Goa'uld could realistically hope to overcome two armed Jaffa and himself, who still had his kara kesh, so he had diverted his warriors to the sixty Jaffa retinue that Uzu had brought with him instead, thinking it the greater possible threat.
On that note, he tried to compose himself and fire a blast from his kara kesh to keep the dangerous horned man away. The blast wave was not as strong as it could have been thanks to his frazzled emotional state, but it hardly mattered as Uzu raised his own empty palm towards him.
"Shinra Tensei(Heavenly Subjugation of the Omnipresent God)!"
Banaded felt himself hit with an irresistibly powerful shockwave, stronger than anything he'd ever felt, and crashed painfully through the doors and then against the wall of the connecting corridor in his palace.
"I haven't practiced that one much, so I couldn't make it any weaker. So sorry." Naruto mocked sarcastically and continued to slowly advance.
Without another thought in his head save for needing to find his Jaffa to protect him, Banaded ran towards the closest ring transporters that would take him to safety. Inside his shaken thoughts, he numbly realized that this new host that Uzu was using must be some kind of Hok'taur, the superior host that so many Goa'uld spent their time searching for.
Chancing a glance backwards during his panicked flight, he became further panicked as he saw his horned pursuer somehow easily keeping pace with him despite the fact that he appeared to be walking while Banaded was running. He was also dragging his claws along the walls and effortlessly gouging the stone with them.
Finally, he reached the ring transporters and initiated them, gulping down terrified breaths as Uzu just barely missed him.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Naruto smirked as he walked out of the palace through the front door, palming the Long Range Visual Communications Device that Zeus had kept in his private quarters. The spherical device(once again an ugly golden color) was used as a form of faster-than-light communication from what he could tell, though it seemed a cumbersome way of doing it. Definitely needed a shorter name too.
As expected it activated, showing the face of Te'lok, who had its partner.
"It is happening as you said it would my lord, Banaded's Jaffa are converging on your position and abandoning their observation of us. We have subdued the ones that remained and are preparing to execute our objective."
"Casualties?"
"One of ours and two of theirs are dead, the rest are merely unconscious." The Jaffa reported. The superior training that Naruto had put them through had allowed his warriors to easily overcome to complacent Jaffa of Banaded, who hadn't seen or expected to see combat in years. Thanks to the use of the zat guns, the casualties were low on the enemy side as well as theirs.
"We'll bring their bodies with us and put them into the sarcophagus as soon as possible." Naruto decided. No need to leave them dead if there was a technological excuse readily available for any mysterious resurrections.
"Very well my lord, " Te'lok agreed and continued. "We are moving to secure the town square."
"You've already assembled the holographic projector?" Naruto asked in surprise. "And didn't we say that the stairs of Ra's temple would be a better location?"
He and Xanna didn't actually have enough naquadah to fill all the crates he'd brought with him, but generous use of false bottoms made it look like they did, and it provided a convenient hiding spot for extra weaponry and the pieces of the aforementioned holographic projector.
"We have since discovered that there is a much larger projector in the town square that Banaded uses for spreading propaganda, it would be ideal for our purposes." The Jaffa said confidently.
"Niiiice." Naruto drawled with a grin. "Go for it then, but only if you don't encounter too much opposition."
It made sense, he mused, for Banana Dead to use one of those. A giant holographic avatar would look pretty godlike to your average uneducated peasant. Zeus would probably have been a lot more successful if he'd bothered to use that instead of summary executions.
"Understood."
Naruto then noticed several Udajeet death gliders taking off, clearly intending to attack him. "I gotta go. Stuff to do, people to kill. I'll keep the heat off your back."
The orb turned opaque and Naruto put it away, making it vanish back into the Interdimensional Storage Locker.
"Come at me little birdies." He muttered to himself as the modest flight of three death gliders approached swiftly, firing pointlessly on the ground in a show of attempted intimidation.
Those things were pretty useless at anything else anyway, their design making them unsuitable for actual combat, since their weapons weren't really powerful enough to even dent the shields of a Ha'tak mothership unless they came at it in massive numbers. Not to mention how hard it was to aim at anything when all you had were two forward facing plasma cannons and had to rely on line of sight alone for aim.
When they were close enough, Naruto took a running leap and launched himself at the nearest one, landing on the wing, much to the wide eyed shock of the two Jaffa in the cockpit, his long hair whipping around wildly due to the speed they were moving at.
He gave them a grin and swung himself under the wing to rip off one of the plasma cannons and then climbed back on.
While the pilot tried desperately (and uselessly) to shake him off, Naruto used his stolen plasma cannon, which was really just an extra large Ma'tok staff, and started firing at the other two gliders.
He managed to blast one of them in the wing fairly easily before his ride started jinking madly to throw off his aim and keep him from hitting the other one. Irritably, he stomped his foot on the wing and damaged it enough that the glider couldn't stay in the air any more.
Since his ride was going down, Naruto leapfrogged to the last glider and raked his claws through its underbelly, severing the power lines that supplied electricity to the ugly crafts computer and allowed it to be flown.
This glider also rapidly started going down, its pilot unable to control it any longer. Its two passengers may or may not survive, Naruto didn't much care which. More than likely they'd end up getting resurrected with a sarcophagus soon either way, but he wouldn't be heartbroken if they died permanently either.
He landed on the city outskirts and could already hear the tread of many Jaffa feet as they converged on him, no doubt on Banaded's panicked orders.
Good, if they were busy hunting him, then Te'lok and his posse would be unmolested.
Naruto paused for a moment and spoke to himself. "That sounded wrong even in my head."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Banaded was not having a good day, not at all.
Over the years, Ra had steadily decreased the garrison of Saral, all the while praising Banaded for his skillful administration of the planet. At the time he had taken pride in this, seeing it as proof of his skill that he did not need a large garrison to keep control of the humans so that Ra could use those forces elsewhere.
He'd never been concerned over the reductions, as even the mere three death gliders he had been left with were more than enough to keep a few thousand humans cowed if it came to that. Not that it really did, due to his effective governance that kept the malcontents controlled mostly by their own people who knew that things could be a lot worse and didn't want to rock the boat and outside threats had never been an issue due to how deep in Ra's territory Saral was.
Seeing Uzu tear the three gliders apart with his bare hands had him changing his mind though. He'd never imagine that a Hok'taur host would be so monstrously powerful. If this trend continued, this newcomer would rapidly rise to the rank of System Lord as he subsumed other minor Goa'uld that wouldn't be able to stand against a concerted ground assault led by such a monster.
And there was another oddity, that he led from the front, even operating without a constant Jaffa guard. That was something that only a rare few Goa'uld did, the most prominent example being Heru'ur, though even the feared, aggressive general and son of Ra didn't do it to this extent.
Even now, Uzu was leading his Jaffa on a merry chase through the outskirts of the city and the outlying forest. The Jaffa were nowhere near quick enough to catch the ludicrously fast horned man.
Banaded had ensconced himself in his private ship, a basic Tel'tak cargo ship. It had neither weapons or shields, but it did have an efficient hyperdrive engine and more importantly, a cloaking device. It was currently hovering invisibly in the air above the city.
He had been monitoring the life signs through his ship's sensors and getting an approximate idea of the situation that way. It was no good for use in the city due to the number of humans in it, but the chase was happening on the outskirts.
Thus he saw a single life sign moving at such a pace as to boggle the mind, almost literally running circles around the others chasing it. He had no illusions as to who that life sign belonged to.
The activation of the Long Range Visual Communications Device surprised him and almost made him let out a startled yelp, but he managed to suppress it as the image of his First Prime appeared, his only Jaffa to have been taught the secret of how to operate it.
"My lord, we cannot defeat this enemy god, he moves too quickly and I believe that he is merely delaying us to allow his own Jaffa to complete their task." The man with a golden ram symbol on his forehead reported, his breathing slightly labored from his attempts at catching the speedy horned man.
"What task? What are his Jaffa doing?" Banaded asked urgently, face paling as he considered the fact that there might be yet another problem.
"I do not know my lord, they have taken the town square and entrenched themselves. We have attempted to retake it, but the enemy god harasses us whenever we try to break off our pursuit of him."
Banaded felt like pulling his hair out, or his host's hair at any rate. This was exactly the kind of complicated situation that had led to the doom of his attempts at establishing himself as a galactic power. A multi pronged attack that he didn't know how to repel. He'd contented himself with increasing his personal power from within the safety of the Supreme System Lord's empire exactly because he didn't handle these kinds of things too well.
He could instantly deduce what their target was in the town square and knew that they could use the huge holographic projector there to spread all sorts of information to the human population. Pretty soon, he might have an all out rebellion on his hands and without the airborne death gliders, his paltry force of Jaffa might not be able to repel it.
Uzu's words that he would take the entire human population of the planet suddenly made sense. He didn't mean to remove him and place himself as their new master, he intended to play the part of their liberator and use the holographic projector to claim divinity all in one swoop.
A portion of the humans would likely resist him, but most of them probably wouldn't, he might even get a few of Banaded's own Jaffa to convert, further cementing his victory.
Banaded felt a trickle of sweat bead on his forehead as he contemplated simply escaping and abandoning his Jaffa to whatever fate awaited them. Ra would be highly displeased with him for the loss of Saral, but news of a Goa'uld with a Hok'taur host would most likely mitigate that.
He'd stayed so far only because he'd hoped to capture the invader, but that was looking more and more unlikely. If he could have done so, then he would actually have profited from this entire debacle and Ra would have rewarded him greatly, but paranoia was now niggling at his mind, a deep fear that Uzu would find him despite the cloaking of his Tel'tak.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Te'lok nodded to himself in satisfaction as one of his fellow Jaffa carefully set the frequency on the Long Range Visual Communications Device imbedded in the holographic projector to receive from the one that Naruto was using so that he would be able to broadcast a hologram from it.
Te'lok had seen this device in use before and had always thought it a display of the powers of his god to be able to manifest an avatar to speak from a distance.
Then Naruto had explained that it was a tool just like a hammer, save for being more complex. He freely admitted that he didn't know exactly how it worked himself, but he knew the basic principle of it and was able to figure out its operation quickly enough.
Te'lok and the other members of this attack on Saral had been required to learn how to operate it as well, which had allowed them to appropriate Banaded's main tool of propaganda for themselves.
Once more taking out the palm sized golden communications sphere, Te'lok activated it and informed Naruto that their task was complete.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Banaded's nerve had just about broken as he saw the life signs of his Jaffa becoming ever more disorganized.
He had no idea how Uzu intended to proceed once he took control of Saral, but that hardly mattered now. Patrols by Ra's ships were rare this deep in his territory and he had no means of contacting them, since the only Long Range Visual Communications Device powerful enough to call for aid was in the palace, which he'd been forced to flee.
The Supreme System Lord would be immensely displeased by the loss, but Banaded doubted that his punishment would be too harsh. For one thing, at least he would be bringing back information on this new Goa'uld and the powerful host he was using and for another, Ra was not in the habit of handing out punishments without consideration of the circumstances.
The defenses around Saral were extremely light as nobody had expected it to be attacked and even then, who could have predicted a Hok'taur host?
With resignation, Banaded pulled on the control sphere and directed the Tel'tak upwards, away from the planet that had been his for centuries now.
"Oh no you don't." A familiar voice chuckled from the seat next to him, this time without the distinctly Goa'uld tone.
Banaded nearly jumped out of his seat in fright as his hands were slapped away from the control sphere that was used to fly the cloaked cargo ship. Turning his head to the interloper, he beheld none other than the one who had attacked him.
"How did you get in here?!" He shrieked in a tone most unbefitting of a god.
"Fuck you, that's how."
The Goa'uld blinked in confusion and worked his jaw uselessly, unable to make sense of that no matter how hard he tried. It didn't help that in Goa'uld, that translated to something along the lines of 'copulate with you, that's how'
"You desire to mate with me?" Banaded asked incredulously and more than a little apprehensively. He'd heard...stories of what some Goa'uld did with their defeated rivals.
"What?!" Naruto gaped a his passenger/prisoner/co-pilot. "NO! What the fuck man?!"
Before Banaded could offer any kind of reply, Naruto continued in an aggrieved and downright enraged tone. "You know what, fuck you and fuck your stupid ass language! I can't even insult someone properly using this piece of shit."
Banaded cowered before the irate tirade and furious glare of the horned man, wisely keeping his mouth shut about the many, many things that didn't make sense to him about that sentence.
As it happened, he wouldn't have had time to make any comment anyway, because something of much more immediate importance grabbed his attention.
"Cliff!"
"What?"
"CLIFF!" He repeated much more loudly, pointing frantically out the view screen, where a cliff face was approaching rapidly.
"Oh, that cliff." Naruto replied with far too little concern for the Goa'uld's taste and managed to pull up before they crashed. "I've never actually flown one of these before."
Banaded made no comment, busy as he was trying to calm his own frantic heartbeat, as well as that of his host. As he was doing this, he became aware of the fact that he wasn't sensing any naquadah from the man next to him. Combined with the lack of Goa'uld voice that Uzu had been demonstrating ever since his appearance in the Tel'tak, he could come to only one conclusion.
"You are not Goa'uld." He whispered in shock.
"You're only figuring this out now?" Naruto asked back, his tone implying that Banaded was immensely stupid. "And don't even think of trying to jump hosts, Zeus already tried that one and now he's dead."
Banaded sank back into his seat, stunned, not only at the revelation that the renegade Goa'uld Zeus had been killed but at the implications.
If he was not Goa'uld, what was he then? A member of some advanced race that had decided to launch a campaign of conquest against the Goa'uld and take their place? An opportunist that had seen a weakness in Saral's defenses and decided to exploit it for his own gain? A man that had some grudge against the Goa'uld and was hunting them? So many questions and no answers were forthcoming.
"What are you doing?" Banaded asked, speaking far more meekly than he had in centuries. In fact, the last time he had spoken like this was when he'd begged Ra for protection from the enemies he'd made. Just like any other Goa'uld, he hated being anything else than the most powerful person in the room, but he was in arms reach of a man whose claws he'd seen mangle stone and metal, so certain concessions had to be made.
"I'm setting up this thing so that it has a good angle on us." Naruto answered distractedly as he placed the golden communications device on the spaceship version of a dashboard that the cargo ship was sporting.
"A good angle for what?"
"For projecting both of us to that big holographic projector you've set up in the town square. It's almost like an advanced version of a home video, which I would normally have posted on YouTube and then gotten into a lengthy and pointless, but highly amusing, argument over the legitimacy of said video." Naruto explained, his expression subtly darkening as he continued speaking.
Banaded had at this point decided that the wisest course of action would be to submit to the power of this horned newcomer, whether he was Goa'uld or not, and offer to serve him. He didn't see himself surviving for very long if he stayed loyal to Ra. He'd nearly mustered the courage to ask for a bit of clarification on the confusing explanation when the point became moot as Naruto suddenly exploded into another angry rant.
"Only, I can't do that, because you backwards assholes don't have anything like the internet! WHAT KIND OF SPACE FARING CIVILIZATION DOESN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING INTERNET?! CAN YOU ANSWER THAT ONE YOU SHIT EATING GOAT FUCKER?!" The horned man roared at ear splitting volume down at the Goa'uld, gesticulating wildly with his arms and completely ignoring the fact that the Tel'tak was losing altitude.
Banaded cringed as far back into his seat as he could as the horned man loomed over him and continued shouting, making himself as small as possible as if it would help him evade the misdirected wrath of the internet deprived deity. He understood less than half of what was being said, as Naruto had started slipping into a variety of languages whenever he felt that he could conjugate profanity with greater clarity in that particular one. He paid particular attention to German, because it really didn't take a lot to make that language sound angry.
Banaded wished with all his heart that he could somehow reach the transporter rings and use them to escape from this unstable monstrosity. His desire to avoid these kinds of things were exactly why he'd been content to remain a minor Goa'uld for all this time.
Well, not exactly these kinds of things, but hardship in general.
Eventually, Naruto finished venting and sat back down with an annoyed snort, deliberately clipping a tree and then activating the communications orb to start broadcasting the image of himself and Banaded in holographic form in the town square.
Banaded had just finished flinching as the Tel'tak hit a tree and was looking more than slightly frazzled. He wasn't sure if it was safe to move yet, or if it would set off the volatile horned man again, so he remained frozen in his seat in a cringing position.
"Will you stop cowering already and give a wave to the people, everyone is watching you know." Naruto stated in a very matter-of-fact tone, the previous towering rage completely gone from his voice.
Banaded started a bit at being addressed before his eyes widened at the realization that anyone who cared to look could see the undignified position he was in. He quickly tidied himself up as best as he could manage and adjusted his posture to something more fitting of a god.
"Greetings people of Saral! My name is Naruto and I'm sure you recognize the person next to me as Banana Dead, even if he does look like he's been crying recently for some reason that I can't possibly imagine." Naruto started theatrically.
Having been thoroughly cowed earlier, Banaded didn't dare contradict anything that the horned man said, not even his mispronounced name nor did he bother wondering why he'd introduced himself as Naruto. He also noted that the Tel'tak had ascended into orbit and now hung there.
That made him feel uneasy for some reason.
"It has come to my attention that in all the time that he has ruled this planet, Banana Leg has never once had the opportunity to demonstrate exactly how much of a god he was." Naruto continued. "Being a god myself, I could not let this stand! Today, once and for all I intend to silence all those who doubt the divinity of Banana Head!"
Naruto paused to build dramatic tension before he once more continued to speak. "I will do this by crashing this ship into the planet at the highest possible speed, after which we will both walk out of the wreckage completely unharmed in true divine fashion."
Immediately after the sentence was completed, Naruto angled the Te'ltac into a nosedive, aiming at a rocky patch of ground on the outskirts of the city.
"What are you doing?" Banaded asked in alarm, seeing the terrifying grin on the horned man's face as the ground approached.
"I already told you what I'm going to do."
"You will kill us both!"
"Don't be ridiculous, we'll be fine. We're gods aren't we?"
"I beg you my lord, do not do this!" Banaded pleaded, throwing all pride to the wind in the face of his need to survive.
"Why not?" Naruto asked in a puzzled tone. "Haven't you ever done something crazy just because you're a god and you can?"
"We are not gods! That was just a lie to keep the Jaffa and the slaves docile!" The Goa'uld said frantically, seeing that they were fast approaching the point of no return, where it would be impossible to pull out of their descent in time.
"Oh." Naruto said in the same tone that someone might use if they had, after years of misuse, discovered that the toothbrush was actually meant for the brushing of teeth and not for scrubbing the toilet. "In that case, this is going to end badly for you."
His nerve breaking, Banaded tried to wrest the control sphere out of Naruto's hands, only to be easily pushed back into his chair.
Seeing his death approach with no way to stop it, Banaded let out a wordless yell of fear. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH."
Unable to let the opportunity go, Naruto waved his hands in the air madly and echoed him, though his own voice was sarcastically high pitched. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH."
Just before they hit the ground, Naruto was struck by another idea and he implemented it instantly without so much as a second thought.
"ALLAHU AKBAR!"
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A large crowd of gawkers stared at the twisted wreckage of the Tel'tak, both human and Jaffa. After seeing Banaded admit that he was not a god in a fit of terror, none of them were quite sure what to think.
Naruto's Jaffa also stared at the wreckage, worried for their lord in spite of themselves. They'd seen him survive some pretty crazy things, but this was way beyond that.
"What will we do now?" Banaded's First Prime asked as he approached Te'lok, sounding a bit lost. "If they are both dead, then we have no one to serve. Are we to wait for Ra to arrive?"
They were interrupted by a shriek of tortured metal before any answer could be given. Looking back at the remains of the Tel'tak, they beheld a chuckling Naruto walk out of it without so much as a scratch on him.
"That was fun."
Banaded's Jaffa immediately fell to their knees, causing Naruto to sigh even as the Goa'uld's former First Prime spoke. "What is your wish my lord?"
The large crowd of humans behind them instantly follow their example, in response to which the horned man pinched the bridge of his nose. All this kneeling had gotten old really fast, but he couldn't deal with it right now. They were on a schedule.
With this in mind, he jumped on top of a building and spoke in a booming voice that easily carried halfway across the settlement.
"We're evacuating this planet, spread the word to everyone that they are to take as many supplies as they can and bring them to the stargate. Don't bother with shiny trinkets, focus on bringing food, clothing, tools and other basics. Take as much as you can carry and feel free to loot the palace while you're at it." He ordered. He wasn't going to be giving them a choice in the matter, because he sincerely doubted that the humans on Saral could be trusted to make an informed decision after centuries, millennia even, of brainwashing. "And no fighting! I want this looting to be done in a calm and orderly manner."
Everyone scrambled to obey and soon word spread like wildfire that their new god had commanded that Saral was to be abandoned.
A few minutes later, Te'lok approached Naruto with a question. "My lord, why did you shout 'Allahu Akbar' before crashing? Is it some kind of spell?"
Naruto's shoulders slumped in disappointment. Before Te'lok had asked this, he'd been able to pretend, but now...
"Let me ask you something else instead of answering that one Te'lok." He sighed out.
"Yes my lord?"
"If a man says and does something really offensive, but nobody is around to be offended by it...is it still funny?"
"Uhh..." Te'lok pontificated and attempted to decipher the philosophical question. "If something is offensive...or amusing...then would it not be so regardless of whether anyone hears it or not?"
Naruto brightened slightly and clapped the Jaffa on the shoulder. "Thanks Te'lok, you're a good man."
He didn't feel like counter arguing that both offense and amusement were entirely subjective and therefore it did matter if anyone heard it or not, as well as who heard it. He wanted to believe that someone, somewhere, somewhen was offended...so that he could laugh at them.
"Thank you my lord." A somewhat confused but nonetheless proud Te'lok replied.
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A few hours later, Naruto was doing what he could to organize the exodus he'd started. There was a constant stream of people bringing stuff to the as of yet inactive stargate and it was starting to get rather chaotic. People naturally wanted to keep hold of their own things, but there was only so much room.
Already, most of the immediate area around the gate had become cluttered with sacks, crates, carts and other forms of containers that were full of the things he'd ordered people to bring along. There was even a sack made out of one of the golden curtains from the palace. Naruto was impressed with whoever had thought of that one.
Inevitably, there were a few people who didn't listen and brought along useless junk such as golden chalices, candlesticks and other such things that Naruto collectively called 'booty'.
The pirate kind, not the ass kind.
And by ass he meant the euphemism for the human rear end, not a donkey.
Either way, if this kept up he was going to need to open the gate and start letting people through, or else things might start going bad. There had already been a few arguments as people were starting to become crowded.
It was not all bad though. Over a hundred children and teenagers had been found in the now deceased Banaded's expansive palace, clearly having been taken to be trained as slaves for one reason or another. They were now getting reacquainted with their families, though it was clearly a somewhat stilted affair in the case of those who had already gone through many years of training. Still, it was a very sugary sight.
"My lord, we have a problem."
Naruto sighed and responded in a tone of resignation. "Of course we do. What is it?"
"You said that Saral was chosen as a target because it had a population small enough that we could take them all and support them with what little infrastructure Erius had."
"Yes, and?"
"Zeus' databanks seem to have been incorrect or out of date my lord. According to Banaded's former First Prime, the full population of Saral is nearly ten thousand instead of five."
Naruto grimaced. He'd thought that the amount of human life he was sensing was a bit high, but there was nothing else for it now. He wasn't going to just tell half of these people that they couldn't come along.
"My wife is going to be so piiiissed~." He sing-songed to himself.
Telok's lips twitched in humor, being well aware of the limitation that Xanna had given as to the number of humans that Naruto was free to take and why she'd given it.
"Perhaps not my lord, there is a large amount of grain and other foodstuff being held in storage, either for the people here or for some other Goa'uld. Enough that feeding so many should be possible for at least a short while. Unfortunately, it is being held in crates so large that we have no means of moving them without a cargo ship...which you destroyed, but the food itself is there."
"Don't worry about that, I'll move them." Naruto grinned.
"There is one other problem my lord." Te'lok said hesitantly. He hadn't been able to deal with this particular problem on his own without bloodshed and he wasn't sure how Naruto would handle it.
He'd already snapped the neck of one particularly mouthy Jaffa priestess who had been asserting that the now freed slaves belonged to Ra and that Naruto had no right to take them. She'd been causing problems and delays despite the rather convincing demonstration Naruto had put on about how Goa'uld weren't gods and the horned man had clearly lost patience with her. Te'lok had no wish to see any more of his people killed for their delusions to bring the others in line, but he couldn't blame Naruto for it either...they didn't have time to do things the slow way.
"Another one?" The horned man asked with a raised eyebrow.
"While the priesthood of Banaded has submitted to your will with little issue, those of Ra stationed on this planet are proving a good deal more stubborn. They have barricaded themselves in the Temple of Ra, along with a few dozen people who still believe in the divinity of the Goa'uld, and refuse to come out. They claim that they will wait for Ra's arrival so that he can 'liberate' them from your oppression." Te'lok explained.
Naruto rubbed his chin thoughtfully and considered how to solve this issue.
"Gather a few dozen warriors and raid the temple. Subdue them by force if you have to and drag them to the gate, we don't have time to talk them out of being stupid. After you've done that, I want you to make them watch as you rob the temple blind and set it on fire. "Naruto ordered after a moment of consideration. "And remember to pillage before you burn."
"But my lord, there is nothing of use in the temple, only trinkets and religious paraphernalia, perhaps a few robes. Did you not say to leave such things behind?" Te'lok asked in confusion.
"It's not about the stuff Te'lok, it's about sending a message." The horned man said with a grin, getting the idea to send Ra a message or two of his own.
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Naruto nodded to himself approvingly as he saw that things were as ready as they were likely to get. Soon, it would be time to open the stargate and start sending people through. He would open the gate and keep supplying power to it to make sure it could stay open for as long as needed, instead of the usual thirty eight minute limitation. He'd have to try and figure out what that was about one of these days.
They'd be apprehensive of walking into the shimmering blue portal no doubt, but they'd get over it. They had gotten over their incredulity of seeing him carry a multi ton crate of food to the gate all by himself too.
"My lord." Te'lok began nervously.
"Don't tell me we've got another problem?" Naruto groaned. The Temple of Ra had just barely started burning properly and he didn't think that he could just keep setting things on fire as a solution.
"No my lord, but you are standing in a pile of animal excrement."
Naruto looked down and saw that he was indeed standing in such a pile. "Ah, the dangers of going barefoot to a planet with lots of livestock." He said musingly and extracted his foot, preparing to use a surreptitious control of water to clean the soiled appendage. "There's so much shit around I didn't even notice the smell."
Right at that moment, one of Banaded's Jaffa shoved a man, causing him to stumble and fall on his children, who cried out at the sudden and surprising turn of events.
The few Jaffa that Naruto had brought along winced in sympathy for their fellow Jaffa, knowing exactly what type of punishment was going to be heaped upon him.
Instead of cleaning his foot, he swung it forcefully, making the shit on it splatter over the offending Jaffa's back, with a small amount landing on the back of his head.
The man spun around with a glare, seeking whoever had dared assault him and paled when he saw the horned form of his new god beckoning him to approach.
"What is your name?" Naruto asked mildly once the man was standing in front of him.
"B'rick my lord." He answered with as much composure as he could manage.
"Your name is Brick, seriously?" Naruto couldn't stop himself from asking incredulously, but waved off any answer. "Nevermind, it's not important. Why did you feel the need to push that man? Especially when I gave specific instructions that you are not to harass anyone?"
"He was moving too slowly my lord." B'rick tried to justify.
"I see, well you seem to be behaving most unyouthfully, so in order to fan your flames of youth you are going to apologize to him and then run circles around the palace." Naruto decided. "Te'lok, have one of the others explain things to him, I've got another job for you."
Te'lok nodded and waved the closest warrior over and sent him to explain to B'rick what he was to do.
A few minutes later, one of Banaded's former Jaffa leaned over and asked what the 'flames of youth' were and how running circles around the palace was going to help fan them.
"We don't know. " The man, a young Jaffa that had only become an adult scant months before the horned duo had killed Zeus and taken over, shrugged. "Lord Naruto frequently uses this type of punishment when he is displeased with us. He will speak of these 'flames of youth' and tell us to run until we are told to stop. Not even Te'lok understands what it is supposed to mean, but we all do it."
"What if you were to refuse?" The same Jaffa asked curiously.
"It was only attempted once." The young Jaffa shuddered. "Lord Naruto forced him to wear an extremely tight fitting, bright green suit and made him run through the streets, all the while encouraging the women to make lewd comments. B'rick should consider himself fortunate that he did not need to endure such humiliation."
The listeners nodded empathically. Indeed, they could not imagine how they would live with themselves if their pride was so mauled.
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Meanwhile, with Te'lok and Naruto.
"You'll be going through first Te'lok, along with the one dead Jaffa that we haven't been able to bring back with Banaded's sarcophagus. Tell my wife the situation and that she's going to have more work than expected getting everything organized." Naruto said.
Te'lok shifted uncomfortably as he spoke. "Do I have to my lord?"
"Don't worry, she's not in the habit of killing the messenger, and we can bring you back in case she does anyway." Naruto assured him.
Te'lok merely sighed and nodded, prepared to carry out his unenviable order. Xanna scared him.
"And yes Te'lok, I am a bastard."
"I did not say anything." The Jaffa said defensively.
"You were thinking it."
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