MO XI DIDN'T HAVE TO spell it out; the others weren't stupid. They understood at once that he planned to find some far-off spot and expose his whereabouts, using himself as bait to divert Wuyan.
"Absolutely not, it's too dangerous," Jiang Yexue protested.
"If I can't even handle a flock of bats," Mo Xi said, adjusting the hidden weapon compartment on his wrist, "how could I hold my head up as the commander of the Northern Frontier Army?"
Jiang Yexue knew Mo Xi had always been stubborn. Seeing that he wouldn't be persuaded, he looked toward Gu Mang.
Gu Mang's face was a patchwork of shadow in the flickering light of the fire. It wasn't clear whether he would bestir himself for this. But after a long moment, he finally spoke. "What's Xihe-jun thinking, running off to meet that crowd of bats alone? Are you in such a rush to become a trophy husband for the Bat Queen?"
At these words, Mo Xi looked at Gu Mang and then turned away. "I'm ill-tempered and vicious," he said softly. "All I do is order people to beat and kill. No one would take a liking to me."
Gu Mang stared at him. They were the very words Gu Mang had just bullied Mo Xi with; he hadn't expected Mo Xi to commit them to memory and turn them back on him. No matter how thick-skinned Gu Mang was, he still felt abashed at that moment.
Mo Xi fastened the buckles of his hidden weapon compartment. "I'm leaving," he said over his shoulder.
"Hey hey, wait up!"
Turning halfway, Mo Xi paused. "What is it?"
Gu Mang rubbed his nose. "Humans wouldn't take a liking to you, but demons might."
Mo Xi's face was stony.
"I heard that demons only look at humans' skins. Your personality is a bit of a bore, but your face is pretty, I'll admit—you've got that innocent allure. You're absolutely perfect as long as you don't open your mouth. If that old bat doesn't take a liking to you, she must be blind; maybe she should go to Jiang Fuli's manor to get her eyes checked."
With a sweep of his sleeves and a stunned pallor in his cheeks, Mo Xi turned on his heel and strode off.
Gu Mang gazed at Mo Xi's retreating back and sighed. "You know, I didn't notice while my memories were gone, but now that they've returned, I can see his attitude really hasn't improved in all the years I was out of the country. No—it's gotten worse. Now he can't even take a joke."
At this, Mo Xi finally couldn't bear it anymore and whirled around. He looked as though he was about to fly into a rage, but he forced his anger down and only said with red-rimmed eyes: "Gu Mang, did you just discover my terrible temper today?"
Mo Xi stalked away without another word, striding into the distance beneath the swaying moonlight. As he was about to vanish out of sight, Gu Mang turned to the others. "Why don't I…go with him? Youngsters can't be trusted to do things properly. I'll keep an eye on him, and we'll lead Wuyan away together."
"Go, quickly," replied Jiang Yexue. "There's safety in numbers."
Gu Mang grimaced. "I'm just afraid he'll be angry if I tag along. Didn't you see his face when he left?"
Nevertheless, he still quickly followed after Mo Xi.
Mo Xi's steel-toed military boots crunched over dried branches and withered leaves. After walking alone for a while, he heard the rustle of footsteps behind him.
"Xihe-jun."
The sound of that voice made Mo Xi's heart ache unbearably. Instead of turning around, he quickened his pace.
Gu Mang caught up to him. "What are you walking so fast for?"
As if Gu Mang hadn't spoken, Mo Xi kept his head down and strode on.
"I'm asking you a question. Are you so mad you're ignoring me?"
It was some time before Mo Xi finally spoke up. "Why are you insisting on coming with me?"
"How long have you been in the army? You've fought too many battles not to understand the concept of strategic deployment of troops. Why else would I follow you?"
Gu Mang pulled a blade of foxtail grass and began fiddling with it. He smacked the wildflowers growing by the side of the path as he continued: "We can't let anyone interfere with Jiang Yexue and the others while they're dealing with the gu in the cave. The more of us on the outside attracting Queen Wuyan's attention, the better. To provide for all possible contingencies, there must be someone on guard in the cave, but Murong Chuyi is clearly the better choice to stay behind. He's Yue Chenqing and Jiang Yexue's uncle, so he's more suited to be their last line of defense."
After laying out his logic, he smiled at Mo Xi. "So why are you behaving so recklessly? Just because you don't want to see me?"
Mo Xi said nothing. The two of them trod over dead foliage, walking into the distance step by step. They hadn't yet removed the spells that concealed their spiritual energy, so they had no cause for worry even when they began to see bat demons here and there patrolling through the trees.
For a while they walked shoulder to shoulder like this, until Mo Xi suddenly said, "Gu Mang."
"Mm-hmm."
"There's no one else here now. So can you tell me the truth?"
"Hm?"
"Do you really hate me?"
A pause. "Why are you asking this out of the blue?"
"When I didn't want you to accompany me, it wasn't because I didn't want to see you," Mo Xi replied. "It's because I feel that you despise me, and I don't know how to face you."
Gu Mang was silent. Their surroundings were very quiet, filled only with cold moonlight and the rustle of leaves. Even the twitter of birdsong seemed remote.
Mo Xi hesitated. "Have you really resented me all along?"
"Why would I resent you?" Under the light breeze and pale moon, Gu Mang's white clothes fluttered, billowing like waves. He tucked away the careless and cavalier mask he'd worn in front of Jiang Yexue and the others, revealing a face that—having experienced too much death—seemed apathetic and unnaturally pale. "Would I resent you for not being able to stay with me back when I fell into trouble? Or for thinking that I was drunk and making a scene when I most needed someone to pull me back?"
Mo Xi failed to respond.
Gu Mang chuckled softly. "In the Time Mirror, you asked me pretty much the same thing. Whether it was eight years in the past or eight years in the future, my answer is the same."
He raised those long lashes like willow catkins. As if a gauze veil had been lifted, bright moonlight poured into his azure eyes. Gu Mang gazed at Mo Xi with those irrevocably blue eyes and said, "Mo Xi, I've never hated you for this."
Mo Xi suddenly stopped in his tracks and lowered his gaze to Gu Mang's face. Ever since he and Gu Mang had reunited, he had nigh always been powerful and decisive in front of Gu Mang. But at this moment, facing Gu Mang with his memories intact, what did Mo Xi have left? Gu Mang had watched him grow up. Gu Mang had seen all of his suffering, misery, and struggle, had forgiven all of his recklessness and immaturity.
In front of Gu Mang without his mind, Mo Xi might've been his lord, his companion, or Xihe-jun. But in front of his Gu Mang-gege, Mo Xi was just Mo Xi. His armor and blades were stripped away, leaving behind a scarred and bloody heart full of sincerity.
Mo Xi's voice shook as he asked quietly, "If you don't hate me…why do you have to treat me like this?"
"Does there have to be reason? It's no different from how you treated me," Gu Mang said. "These are the choices we've made, just as you chose Chonghua and I chose the Liao Kingdom. The Time Mirror's release incantation says it best—cross o'er the abyss of suffering, chase no more the past. The past is in the past; there's no point dwelling on it. I've already let go of all our rotten history; you're the one who insists on clinging to it. What else can I do but be ruthless with you?"
Gu Mang's words felt like a scalding pipe pressed to the flesh of his chest. Mo Xi's heart strained to breaking. "You've let it all go?"
"Ages ago."
Mo Xi closed his eyes, his long lashes fluttering. "Gu Mang…" Swallowing hard, he sighed. "It's been seventeen years."
Gu Mang was taken aback. "What?"
"From the time you helped me complete my first assignment at the academy, I've known you for seventeen years. From my youth to my coming of age, from the classroom to the battlefield…you said you'd always stay with me. You said you'd always be at my side, for richer or poorer. You once said—"
You once said you loved me.
But how could Mo Xi speak those words now? They stuck in his throat, choking him with their bloodied sweetness.
He closed his eyes, forcing down the quaver in his voice. He heaved a sigh, but his voice still shook as he spoke. "Once upon a time, you taught me many things: you taught me to endure in silence, you taught me magic, you taught me the ways of the world, and you taught me the meaning of romance. Now, you want me to stop clinging to you. Okay. I'll do my best," he said. "But, before that, Gu-shixiong, I ask you to teach me one last thing. It's been seventeen years—half our lives so far. Teach me how to let go."
Gu Mang said nothing.
Mo Xi's eyes flew open as he jabbed at his own heart. "Can you teach me how to feel at ease?" His fingertips trembled faintly, and his eyes were red. "How do I lose two souls—can mine be missing instead? I still have my memory and my mind; I can't let go! I knew I couldn't change a thing upon traveling eight years into the past, but I still wanted to ask you not to defect; I still hoped for you to stay, even if you think it's all useless!"
"Mo Xi…"
"What cross o'er the abyss of suffering, chase no more the past—I've lived in the past for eight years! Since the day you left, I've lived eight years in the past. I wished so badly for you to recover your memories, but now that you've recovered them, you tell me you've let go… Gu Mang, Gu-shixiong…in those seventeen years, what was I in your heart?!"
As he choked out those last words, his voice went hoarse and broke off. They stuck in his throat, becoming sobs. He felt tears swimming in his eyes, but to let them fall would be too shameful. The rare times he cried had almost always been in front of Gu Mang. It could be excused when he was young, but how could he bear to appear so utterly defeated in front of the same person after all these years?
He turned abruptly away, striding forward on rapid steps. The white birch forest rustled as the night fog wove around the trees. Mo Xi walked through this hazy and indistinct mist; after a while, he heard Gu Mang catch up. Gu Mang's footsteps always followed close behind him. It had been like this, too, many years ago, when they had raided enemy camps and chased deer in the countryside. No matter where they went, as long as Gu Mang was present, he would always be just a sidelong glance away.
It had been the first thing in his life to bring him peace.
Then Gu Mang defected and left. When Mo Xi marched and fought on his own, he never again found this kind of tacit understanding with his comrades. When he galloped ahead too quickly, leaving all others behind, he couldn't hear the voices of those accompanying him—as if all that existed between the heavens and the earth was him astride his horse, galloping toward a glorious, solitary end. Dissatisfied, he commanded his soldiers to follow no more than a single step behind—but even when the sounds of footsteps and hoofbeats returned, the faces were no longer the ones he remembered.
From then on, Mo Xi understood that, although the death of an old friend was agonizing, it could not compare to the pain of an old friend irrevocably changed. When he thought how this person yet remained on this earth but could never return to the past; of how their deep emotion had decayed, how their shared path had split into two unlike roads, how his beloved had become his enemy—that was a suffering that brought agony with each breath.
"Useless!"
Up ahead came an angry scream, dragging Mo Xi's thoughts out of their morass.
"All of you, useless!"
Mo Xi stopped short. Gu Mang had heard too, and swiftly drew even with Mo Xi, peering through the dense fog. "Is it Wuyan?"
Their relationship was complicated and the atmosphere awkward, but they knew their priorities. They exchanged a wordless glance, then slowed their spiritual energy circulation and breathing to noiselessly approach the source of the voice.
They followed the sound to a tree so giant that three men linking arms would have barely girdled its circumference. When they silently looked around it, the sight that greeted them astonished them both.