There is no ground here. I notice that first or I notice it the way you only realize a room has been silent for a long time when a sound finally breaks it except in this case it was my thought .
I have no body, just awareness, suspended in the middle of nothing And yet I'm still here. Whatever here means. I have been here for some time, I think. Or no time. I find, with nothing else to do, that I am thinking.
So I want to be honest about something from the start. I was not a good person. I don't mean that with any guilt attached. I mean it the way you state a fact about weather. I moved through the world like a stone through water, no ripple, no resistance, nothing disturbed on the way down.
I was a janitor. People react to that in one of two ways. Either they feel sorry for you, or they forget you exist. I preferred the second one. It suited me. You move through spaces people have already left, clean the evidence of their presence, and by morning it's as though nobody was ever there. There is an honesty to that kind of work that most jobs don't have. Nobody pretended it was something it wasn't. Nobody gave speeches about passion or growth or potential.
I had a theory about lifeEverything ends.
You are born, things happen to you, and then you die, and the world moves on without registering the difference. Given that, the logical response was to minimize exposure. I want less. Spend less. Accumulate quietly, and one day early enough that your body still works, stops altogether and simply exists somewhere cheap and peaceful until the clock runs out.
I had a spreadsheet. It tracked every expense down to the coin. Groceries calculated by the gram. The heating was kept low enough that I slept in two layers through winter. Shoes resoled twice before being replaced. I always brought my own lunch, ate convenience store clearance items after nine PM when the prices dropped, and had not bought anything I could call unnecessary in longer than I could clearly remember.
People left, over the years. Not dramatically. Just gradually
There were coworkers, early on, who invited me to things. I looked up and deemed it too expensive. I calculated the cost of and declined before they finished the sentence.
They stopped inviting me. That was fine. That was the natural result of being a person who consistently said no, and I had said no consistently, and now there was nothing to say no to.
I didn't dislike them. I just didn't see the value in spending money to sit in a loud place with people I would one day stop seeing anyway. All friendships end. Either someone moves, or changes, or dies, or simply drifts until the distance becomes the truth of it. I had observed this enough times to accept it .
I rarely held onto names, they felt like information that would become useless
The thing I understood, that I'm not sure other people did, was that I controlled almost nothing.
You don't control what happens to the economy, to your body, to the people around you. You don't control illness, or accident, or the particular Tuesday when the thing you relied on simply stops working. You don't control other people's choices or your own feelings about them or the way time moves regardless of whether you are ready for it.
The only things I could control were small. Spending. Routine. Distance.
So I controlled those things very tightly and I let everything else go, because holding onto things you cannot steer is just a more complicated way of suffering.
It made sense to me. It still makes sense to me, even now, looking back.
The problem was that somewhere along the way, the letting go stopped being a choice and became a condition. I wasn't releasing things anymore. I simply stopped reaching for them in the first place. And eventually I stopped noticing the difference.
Life is just sleep Work eat maybe clean reaped simple routine
The day I waited for was identical to the ones before it.
Here is the thing I have not said yet.
When the light of truck kun came I had time. Not much, but enough. A step to the left would have done it. A single step, and I would have gone home safe But I stood there and I watched it come. I end up here in this endless limbo of existing
My plan did not unfold the way I had imagined. I had pictured myself spending what little I had accumulated burning through it slowly, purposefully. Instead, I suspect it will be spent by someone I despise. But it showed me what I really wanted in the end was never money that I desired. If you know me truly, you already understand that what I want from the life I never asked for is a place removed from the voices of people I despise, a choice I made with open eyes.
I hope you understand that what you might see as a hall for me, it is paradise , the kind I had convinced myself I had finally earned.That at least I thought I had arrived at the life I dreamed of ,Then I opened my eyes to see her look at me .
She changed me. Genuinely, irrevocably, she changed me.She made me want to fight just to see her smile. She may change my world. No matter how much you try, people remain exactly what they are .
What i real like to know why give hope to someone if you going to take it back leave him with nothing are happy by play other life just give them enough to give him hope then moment later take it back so i simple stop playing your game to show me your ultimate price get me addicted so even i lose to you .