Cohen didn't feel like continuing the conversation.
Because Edward had silently lain back down on the ground and closed his eyes.
Then, he opened them again, sat up with a groan, and pretended like he had just regained consciousness:
"Cohen?! Where are we? Aren't you supposed to be in the tournament?"
"You can reboot yourself ten more times and it still won't change anything…" Cohen said wearily. "Besides, this wasn't exactly my decision—and if your Patronus is already a Dementor, having a Dementor grandchild shouldn't be that hard to accept."
"I should've seen this coming…" Edward took a deep breath. "It… it really is… yours…?"
"Dementors reproduce by splitting," Cohen explained, giving Edward the "safe-for-parents" version of how Mick had come to be and why the little Dementor kept calling him "Dad."
Of course, he glossed over the part about meeting Mick in the creepy basement of Borgin and Burkes.
When he clarified that Mick wasn't the lovechild of him and a mother Dementor, Edward's expression eased a little—it looked slightly less horrified.
"Dementors don't have a gender. If I really wanted to have kids, I could just reproduce asexually…" Cohen added. "If you don't believe me, I can give you a live demonstration—"
"No need!" Edward jumped up, stopping Cohen before he could spawn another little Dementor right in front of him. "Didn't that giant squid point you in some direction? Let's just go check it out! You're still in the middle of a competition—drag this out any longer and forget winning, you might not even place!"
Muttering non-stop, Edward pushed Cohen toward the deeper part of the cave. Despite all his grumbling about things like "if you have a kid, you've got to take responsibility" and "raising a child isn't some weekend hobby," he stayed alert, walking ahead of Cohen and sweeping the damp rock walls and wet sand with the light from his wand.
"Hm?"
Edward stopped when he saw something familiar near the back of the cave.
It was a large serpent coiled on a slick rock surface. It had two antler-like horns on its head—unlike the tail of Cohen's Chimera, this one was clearly much older, and the gemstone on its forehead was covered in a cloudy film, dim and lifeless.
Edward turned to Cohen, since anything magical-creature-related usually had something to do with him—but Cohen shook his head, signaling that he didn't recognize it either.
[Snore... zzz... huh?] The old water serpent groggily lifted its head. Its beady black eyes scanned the two wand-wielding humans in front of it, then it jerked upright and hissed threateningly at them: [What do you want?! Don't come any closer! One more step and I'll—bite you!]
It hesitated briefly between "bite you" and "gore you with my horns," but finally chose the more aggressive option. Then it suddenly remembered that humans couldn't understand Parseltongue.
[Hiss hiss hiss hiss!] It started hissing fiercely, trying to scare off the two wretched wizards.
"What's it saying?" Edward whispered.
"It says if we take one more step, it'll bite us. But water serpents aren't venomous, so I think it's just bluffing," Cohen replied. "Hold on, I'll ask it something…"
[Didn't you ask the giant squid to find me?] Cohen said. [If not, I'll head back and finish the tournament—you can go back to sleep.]
[Yeah, yeah, go on! Leave! And stop jabbering in that human gibberish—I don't understand any of it. Also, stop shining that light in my eyes—wait, what did you just say?]
[I said if there's nothing urgent, I'll get back to the tournament. I've got, like, twenty minutes left—if I hurry, I might still place in the top three.] Cohen glanced at his waterproof watch and sighed. [If you really want to chat, I can send a few other snakes to keep you company. I'm busy.]
[You speak Parseltongue?] the old serpent asked curiously. [Ouou! Or are you actually a snake in human skin?]
It slithered closer, peering at Cohen with interest. Edward instinctively pulled Cohen behind him.
"It's okay," Cohen reassured him. "If I did turn into a snake, I'd be way more dangerous than that one."
The old serpent flicked its tongue, giving Cohen a full sniff-over.
[Doesn't seem like it… you barely even smell like a snake. There's something else mixed in…] the serpent said. [Have you seen a really pretty, long-horned water serpent? She's stuck to some dumb lion. She looks a lot like me—horns on her head, really shiny gemstone. Kinda cranky, but deep down she's a good girl—rough on the outside, soft on the inside…]
[What are you to her?] Cohen narrowed his eyes.
That voice can't possibly belong to the Chimera's lover, right?
[I'm her father.] the old serpent said proudly. [Have you seen my daughter? I've been following her scent, but I keep losing the trail around here…]
"What'd it say?" Edward asked, seeing Cohen pause and stop hissing back.
"It said… it's my grandpa," Cohen said, already numb to it.
Honestly, with the whole magical creature parentage thing—and given that Cohen's "parents" included a full pantheon of wild beasts, including a literal genetic cocktail of a Chimera—this kind of family tree mess was just another Tuesday.
"…"
Edward didn't respond. He just gave the old snake a polite smile, then immediately dragged Cohen aside and whispered, "Okay, what does it want? Is it trying to recruit you into some water serpent family reunion? Don't tell me I'll have to start calling a snake my father-in-law."
"It's here looking for the Chimera," Cohen replied. "Seems like it only cares about finding her. Once the task ends, I'll bring him to the trunk and let them reunite. No big deal. Also, can you stop thinking in such strict 'family tree' terms? No magical creature's gonna force you to start calling them Grandpa."
"Your basilisk dad would definitely disagree." Edward muttered.
"You don't even understand what Xisoco says!" Cohen groaned. "How do you two even argue?! Anyway, forget it for now. I'll deal with the snake—you go cast a Bubble-Head Charm on yourself. I might still be able to claw back a decent score in this round…"
[So you haven't seen her?] the old serpent asked again, slithering closer. [Guess I'll keep looking… That squid's probably not too bright—I told it to find my daughter, and it dragged in two wizards instead…]