I just wanted to curl up in my bed and spend the rest of my days as a toasty cinnamon bun. I wanted to be a shellfish tucked away in its shell on the beach; who needed the outside world when you could be rocked gently by the waves forever?
I felt that way for a long time. Even now I felt like that sometimes. I knew it was an impossible wish. But that's why I transferred schools.
To tell you the truth, I was happy to see Aki again. Yes, even though he glimpsed my panties. A pair I'd just picked at random from the drawer that morning. Despite the dire embarrassment, I was happy. Happy that he was talking to me as though nothing had changed since old times. He hadn't changed a bit, either.
"I'm holdin' a little welcome party for you on Friday."
He'd said those words over and over. On the way to school, at school, in front of my apartment... The look on his face every time he invited me made my heart ache. I knew he was trying to be nice. Even after all this time, I knew that he was just like that. I knew because, even when we hadn't seen each other, I'd been watching over what he was doing this whole time.
That was why I wanted to make a change. If I did... If I reached out to him, maybe I could change, too.
How wrong I was.
Who was that kouhai hanging around Aki? I'd never seen her before. I already knew about Kohinata Ozuma and Kageishi Sumire from eavesdropping on Aki and my dad's phone calls.
But I didn't know that there was a pretty girl like that hanging out with him, too. Not only that, but the two of them ran around like the most lovestruck couple I'd ever seen.
Wait. All of this was just jealousy. Ugly, horrible jealousy. All my feelings were based on mere scraps of memories and information I'd scraped together during our years apart. They were superficial at best. Who was I to be jealous of his friend's sister?
I was so unbelievably happy when my dad suggested having Aki as my fake boyfriend, ashamed as I am to admit it. That was exactly why the despair that hit me when I saw her—Kohinata Iroha—was so devastating.
I know what you're thinking. I think it's pathetic, too.
When things broke down at my previous school, I started to hate going. Then I learned about 05th Floor Alliance, and ended up getting close to all of them...
"'Stop stalking me'?" I scoffed at my own choice of words.
Who was really the stalker here? I was the one who begged my dad to let me go to the same school as Aki, and even make it so I ended up in the same class as him. I was the one who was being underhanded.
I hated the fact that I was treating Aki so horribly, just because of the jealousy stabbing at my chest. I hated the possibility that if I tried to get close to him, I might end up getting pushed away. I hated that there was already a girl who Aki got on so well with.
What I hated most of all, was that I was in the exact same spot I was before transferring. Miserable, self-loathing, and lonely.
I hated everything. Like a stubborn child who refuses to do what her mother tells her is best.
Friday... That's tomorrow.
I rolled over on the bed, and stared at the wall next to me. The wall connecting my room to Room 502.
I wondered if Aki slept right on the other side of the wall. I found myself squinting instinctively, but of course that wasn't enough to give me the x-ray vision I needed to find out.
I mumbled into my duvet. "I'm not going to your dumb party."
If it was just me and Aki, maybe I could deal with it. But I knew it was going to be filled with guests who were all smiles and cheerful conversation. I couldn't do it. I couldn't fit in with those kinds of people.
Even if I tried to talk to Aki one-on-one, he would just get snatched away by someone who was more cheerful, and better at conversation than me. Who would be left for me to talk to then? Strangers, that's who. In a fun place surrounded by people, I would just end up feeling more and more alone.
I hated the very idea of it. There was no way I was going. No matter how much I loved Aki, and how many times he invited me, I wasn't going.