I don't wake up when he returns from the bath. And by the time I'm awake again he's already gone from the room. I don't know for how long. traveling in space like this makes it even more difficult to tell what time of day it is than when I was on the moon.
Maybe it's for the best. If I did catch him then we'd have likely ended up doing less than talking and...
A sudden burst of sharp laughter escapes me before I even realize why.
My hand presses to my forehead and I shake my head.
It really is... just one thing or another... isn't it.
I've been so stuck on the idea that he doesn't want to be with me that now I'm struck by the reality that, actually, we do want to be together. We're just too dysfunctional to actually—
I snort. "So stupid."
The door slides open before I have a chance to try and go back to sleep, and I sit up to see Llywelyn there. He's wearing a simple black tunic and pants, and his hair is still damp. He looks refreshed and calm.
He glances at me, and then looks away, clearing his throat. "You're awake."
"Yeah." I say, and my voice sounds weird. Too casual. Too forced. "Where'd you go?"
He shrugs and walks to his bed, sitting on the edge of it. "Just... to get some food."
I nod and look at my hands.
This is... awkward.
He's not avoiding me, but he's not meeting my eyes, either. He's... nervous.
I am, too.
I don't know how to start this conversation.
I don't know what to say.
I feel like... it's been a long time since we've been able to just talk. And now that we can... it feels different.
Because we're not just friends anymore.
We're... more.
Or we could be.
We should be.
I take a deep breath and decide to just go for it. "Llywelyn."
He looks at me and his eyes are guarded. "Yeah?"
I swallow and muster my courage. "You said you love me."
His jaw tenses and he looks away again. "Did I?"
"You did." I say, and I try not to sound too hurt. "Do you remember?"
He sighs and rubs his face. "Of course I remember, you damn hetchki. Do you think I'm going to suddenly forget? They were my feelings first. I know them better than you."
I flinch at his tone. It's not mean, but it's... cold. Defensive.
I suppose it's justified, given the way I broached the subject.
He clicks his tongue and makes an aggravated sound. "I don't know how many ways I need to say it. Is there some human humiliation ritual that you expect from me? Do I need to say it all again? Or do you need to hear it in a different way?"
"No, no, that's not it—" I shake my head. "I just... I want to know what it means. What you want."
He looks at me and his eyes are narrowed. "What I want? I thought I was pretty clear on what I want, Sarah. Unless you've forgotten."
I blush and feel a flutter in my stomach. He's not wrong. He was pretty clear. But... that's not what I'm asking.
"I know what you want physically. I mean... you said... about being alone..."
He groans and runs a hand through his hair. "Nishi'an. You're so—so—! What do you want, Sarah? Will it make you happy to hear me say embarrassing cur'oih? Is that what you want? To make me squirm? Fine!" He stands up and glares at me. "I said it. And I meant it. You're the first person who's ever made me feel less alone since I met Xilukulkas, although I'm beginning to prefer loneliness. So there. I love you. And if you make me say it again, I'll nishi'an feed myself to the nearest carnivorous plant."
I stare at him, my heart pounding in my chest. He looks so angry and vulnerable at the same time. His veins are glowing bright blue-pink, and his ears are twitching. He's so cute. It's perhaps the most inappropriate thought I can have in this moment. But he is.
I stand up and walk over to him. He flinches, but doesn't back away. I reach out and touch his cheek. He closes his eyes and leans into my hand.
"Llywelyn..." I whisper, and I can't help but smile. "You don't have to say it again." And then, I add. "But I like it when you do."
He opens his eyes and looks at me with a mixture of surprise and relief. "Of course you would, hetchki. You're a sadist." He grumbles, but his voice is soft.
I laugh and kiss him on the lips. He kisses me back, his arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me closer. I feel his warmth and his heartbeat against mine. I feel his hands on my back and my hair. I feel his tongue in my mouth and his teeth on my lips.
It's... intense. It's amazing.
It makes me want more.
I break the kiss and look at him. His eyes are half-lidded and his breath is heavy. He looks so... sexy.
I bite my lip and say, "I—I think—no, I—I don't want to be alone either. So... maybe... we could... stay together?"
"Well..." He murmurs softly, forehead pressed to mine. "That was my plan. But I'm... glad you want it, too."
I smile and kiss him again. He responds eagerly, his hands moving down to my hips and squeezing them. I moan into his mouth and press myself against him. I can feel his arousal through his pants and it makes me shiver.
I don't want to stop.
I don't want to wait.
I want him. Now.
But, of course...
There's a damn knock on the door before I can do anything about it.
"I'm going to smother Mira in her sleep." I sigh under my breath.
"She doesn't breathe."
"I... will find a way."