Did I say better day? I must have been mental.
Spike, my pretty girl, I can't wait till you wake up. You and I could fly away from this mess. You could eat me. I'm sure being dragon food is better than this.
So I was going to Stoick's lodge. I'd thought about what Hiccup said last week, with the cloth and sewing and trade and all, and I was lugging a bolt of light green woollen that my mother said I could have. She certainly couldn't make any use of it. I was going to trade it for the repair of my axe. Really, it was perfect, the haft was neither too long or short, and it felt faster in my hands. No bolt of green woollen was enough to pay for that.
But as I came closer, I could hear voices raised inside the house. I could hear Stoick (everyone on the island could probably hear Stoick), and Hiccup, and…
Ruff and Tuff? Tuff?
"You'll wake him! Stop it, Dad!"
"Then tell me why you're not going to accept this! It's a perfect way out of this gods-forsaken war you've plunged us into!"
Oh no.
"Because… because I'm not! It's not right, Dad, it's not right for me! Can't you see that?" Hiccup sounded distressed.
"Give me a reason, other than 'because'! You're of age, I was younger than you when I married your mother, and the Gods know we didn't question our parents about it!"
"Chief… perhaps we ought to come back another time…?"
"Stay right where you are Thorston! You started this, you'll see it end!"
"Oh I am going to get so hurt, aren't I…"
"Shut up, Tuff!"
"You shut up, Ruff! This is your fault!"
"My fault! If you hadn't botched this…"
"If you weren't such a girl… owwwwwww."
"Please, could everyone just shut up?" Hiccup now sounded worried, and slightly scared. A moment later I heard why. A purling rumble, sleepy and angry, billowed through the air.
I burst in through the door, dropping the cloth on the floor. "Hiccup?" I gasped, "I'm sorry, I heard, from outside… is Toothless…?"
"What is she doing here?" I distantly heard Ruff sneer.
"He's waking up," Hiccup wrung his hands. "Everyone, out! Now!"
Stoick's face was still red, but he glanced at the stirring dragon and at his son's tight expression. "Right. Right, you two." He pinned the twins with a glare that had sent men on the battlefield running for new trousers. "March."
"I'll wait outside," I told Hiccup as Stoick frogmarched the twins from the lodge.
"No, wait," he grabbed at my hand. His fingers were rough. "Stay. He likes you, likes your voice. We'll talk to him until he falls back into deep sleep."
"Umm." My hand felt too hot to be attached to my arm any more. "Okay. About what?"
"Ahhhh," Hiccup darted his eyes around the room, and then brightened as he spotted his hammer. "Training! Toothless, I've been training to fight, with Astrid!"
"He's getting better," I said to Toothless. It felt strange to be speaking to another sleeping dragon. I'll always prefer talking to you, though, Spike. "The hammer is absolutely the best choice for him. And he did a perfect tumble roll yesterday."
Hiccup rolled his eyes, and ran our clasped hands down Toothless's smooth, warm hide. "Yesterday. Couldn't manage it this morning though." He wouldn't look at me for some reason.
"It's okay, muscle memory, remember?" I chided him for his self-deprecation. "You've got to work this stuff into your muscles, it-"
"It takes a while, I know," Hiccup finished with scant humour. "Wish my muscles had better memories, though, instead of being Berk's five-year-running Forgetfulness Champions."
"You are getting better, Hiccup," I told him, and together our hands petted the settling dragon. Toothless was calming and stilling, and he let out a final happy purr before his breathing assumed that slowness that told us the hibernation hadn't been interrupted.
Hiccup's mouth quirked, and he gently pulled a fur that had been dislodged back over Toothless's shoulders. Then he let my hand go… reluctantly, maybe? Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking. It felt like goodbye.
"Am I getting better fast enough, Astrid?" he murmured then, and his head bowed slightly. "Dad thinks the Brassies' ship will be here in a week or so. They'll have gathered all their clansmen and shieldmaidens. To stop a war, I'll have to fight Oglaranna, or marry her. I don't really want to do either."
I wanted to take his hand again, but since he'd been the one to let go, I didn't dare. Instead, I put a hand on his shoulder. Once again, my heart and body didn't collapse into a mush of mmm hiccup shoulder mmm. I just felt for the guy. What a mess.
"We'll keep training," I promised. "Twice a day, if you like. You'll be ready."
"Wish I was as sure as you," he muttered, and his eyes performed that now-familiar leftward glance, and then abrupt aversion.
I knew then that Gobber was right. I had to get him to open up about his leg, and before Oglaranna arrived. Or he'd never feel whole enough or trust himself enough to win.
However, right at that moment –
"He asleep?" Stoick's booming whisper echoed through the lodge. I saw Hiccup wince, then roll his eyes.
"He's back down for the count," he answered. "Out like a torch. But Dad, that was pushing it a bit far."
"Sorry, son," Stoick really did seem apologetic. "Not the best place for a shouting match in winter, I know I should remember. Never really can seem to."
"I guess I'll just keep reminding you," Hiccup said dryly, and pulled himself up off the floor.
"We do need to address this, son," Stoick said pointedly. "The Thorston boy wasn't exactly wrong about that."
"Dad," hissed Hiccup, and his eyes darted to me. "Come on, please, not now?"
"Then when? In a week, when that Frost Giantess hacks your head off your shoulders? Nay, son. We've got to get it done, and fast." Stoick looked regretful now, and Hiccup defiant.
"Get what done?" I asked suspiciously.
Hiccup's fists clenched. Then he rounded on me with anger and hurt dancing in his eyes. "Tuffnut dragged his sister over here, and claimed that she wants to marry me. That she's making his life Hel, what was it, 'mooning' over me. As though anyone would believe that. And he said she wasn't accepting the Jorgenson or Ingerman offers because of some stupid wager. With you."
I opened my mouth. And shut it again.
"We've got to get you married off, Hiccup," Stoick sighed. "Only way to stop this Oglaranna. Well, only way to stop her marrying you, nothing stopping her from chopping you into fishbait."
"You are always so cheerful," Hiccup said flatly. He hadn't stopped looking at me.
"Hiccup," I started weakly. He closed his eyes and shook his head.
"Astrid, please, just - Just leave it. I'll see you tomorrow – we'll train twice a day, whatever. But don't talk to me about this."
A promise I knew I'd need to break. I didn't want to. I fled.
It's a mess, Spike. I've made a mess. Hiccup will never believe that I can see him under the pretty wrapping or behind the hero reputation now.
I don't hate Ruffnut, I hate me.
I think… I don't know what to think.
Long day, Spike.
It's been two days since he found out about the wager with Ruff. I've trained with Hiccup three times. Each time he's been polite, attentive, and not Hiccup. He doesn't grin in a crooked line. He doesn't make snarky little quips every time he lands on his arse. He just nods, and off we go again.
New Hiccup… is awful. I want my Hiccup back.
But I chased him away, with a stupid bet. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust the… understanding we had.
I'm not looking forward to training tonight. It was the highlight of my day, and now I'm dreading it.
Stoick grabbed me this afternoon, Spike, on my way down to the old training ring to see you.
"What in the name of all the Gods is going on with you and Hiccup?" he growled, dragging me into the empty Gronkle pen.
I pulled my arm out of his grasp. "I think you were there, Chief. You can't have forgotten already. Or do I need to remind you? There was a dragon, some twins, Hiccup and I, and a bet…"
"Yes, yes," he muttered. "You mean to say you haven't fixed this yet? He's got five days!"
"Fixed…? My Chief. With all due respect, you are a massive bearded idiot." I sighed, and pushed my fringe back. "Hiccup doesn't want to forgive me. And I don't blame him."
"You want the Thorston girl to have him?" Stoick's eyebrows almost disappeared under his helmet. I bristled.
"No! But it's his choice!" I crossed my arms. "Besides, he's not forgiven her either."
"She was around today with a stew her mother had made," Stoick said flatly. "An' she hung off him and moaned and wept until he had to give in out of sheer fluster."
"Wept? Ruffnut?"
"Quite the performance," Stoick said in a non-committal tone.
"Why, that…" I fumed, biting off the words before I could make it any worse.
"Now, missy," Stoick easily heaved a dry bale of kitty-grass over and sat down. "Tell me what you aren't telling me. And why you haven't made it up with my boy even though it's making you both miserable as a pair of sick sheep."
I gaped, and then tried not to. This was not a conversation I really wanted to have with Hiccup's dad.
"Well…"
"No hemming and hawing. No lies. And no edging 'round the truth." Stoick crossed his ankles and leaned back, obviously settling himself in for a long wait. I eyed the door nervously. He'd placed himself between me and escape.
"No getting out of it, either," he added, almost cheerfully.
I sighed again, and sat down on another bale. It was old, musty and scratchy. The Gronkle had obviously used it as a chew toy, as it smelled vaguely of dragon-gas. "I don't like this," I warned him.
"Not expectin' you to," he said pleasantly. "Start talking."
"Well, Hiccup and I… well. Hiccup. Before he went away."
"Yes?"
"We were, sort of… well, there was an understanding. We understood each other. It was… nice. He was Hiccup, and I was Astrid and we… belonged. It was… understood."
"Oh aye. The whole village understood. You made your feelings quite plain about each other."
"Right. Yes, right, we did! Everyone knew! And then, well, you were away for a long time, a very long time. And Hiccup…"
"Aye?"
"He was. Different. Looked different."
"Mmhm. Grew up, didn't he? Children tend to do that. He's ended up looking a lot like my Valhallarama. Beautiful woman, she was."
"He's. He. Well. It shocked me. Made me stupid. I didn't realise…"
"Go on."
"He's still just Hiccup inside. He's still just Hiccup. He looks like that and doesn't even know. He still thinks he's Hiccup the Useless, that his foot makes him less than anyone else, that he's only tolerated because of the dragons. He can't actually see how amazing the things he's done are, the things he is. He still says silly, sarcastic things, and smiles like a kid…"
"Aye. I like his doltish grin, though. It's very him."
"Oh, so do I! And I like the way he concentrates when he works, and the way he treats dragons like people, and his face when he's learning a new thing, and…" I stopped, realising I was rattling along, just like I do to you, Spike, and that the Chief, Hiccup's father, was encouraging me. Sweet Odin preserve me.
Stoick tilted his head, and he smiled at me. Maybe. It's hard to tell with the beard, sometimes.
"You can still see him, can't you," he said with approval. I think. Beard again.
"Look, I made that awful agreement with Ruffnut because she couldn't," I said heatedly. "Even though I was a bit… blinded, I soon knew that he was still him. I tried. I'm still trying, though it gets a bit tricky when he's close or when he smiles… but now I'm not sure how much of that is how he looks or because it's Hiccup. She looks at him… and… and…"
I stood. I was angry again. And it felt good. Gods, even though I love you, Spike, it felt good to be talking to someone who responded.
"She wants him to leave you and your home. She wants to take him back to her family's hall," I fumed, pacing. "She wants to make him leave his inventing and his plans in their stable – and she wants to keep Toothless out there too! She wants to make him into a high-status bauble. He'd hate it!"
"He would," Stoick agreed, "he loves his loft full of gadgets. And that beast has run of the whole damned place. I can't say no to the boy, not after how I treated him."
"And that's just it!" I cried, stalking back and forth now. "I made that wager, that stupid agreement, all so I wouldn't lose Hiccup. Because at first I was crazy about how he looked, and then I was crazy about someone else having him, but now I'm just crazy that he'll be miserable. I just want him to be happy. I stopped caring about the stupid bet that night in the mead-hall, when Ruff tried to make him show his new foot to everyone. I bet she thinks it's just a pretty decoration and can't even consider how much it costs him to acknowledge it at all!"
"It's both. It's a foot and a pretty decoration now," rumbled Stoick thoughtfully. "And a clever one. But did Hiccup tell you anything about Ruckus, the smith back in Brass Monkey?"
"Only that he was a great smith," I huffed, irritable now that my anger had been derailed.
"He's got no hands," Stoick folded his arms. "A smith with no hands, not even one, like Gobber. His wife puts his hands on, every day, a hook and a hammer. If he needs them changed, he calls for her. And he married her long after he lost them."
I was shocked. No hands. "How did he…"
"Ruckus was originally from another village. He fought to stop a raiding party to a poor coastal area on the mainland. His people were too eager for a fight. Trumped-up charges of adultery and thieving were issued. His family was too powerful for him to be killed, and so they chopped off his hands and exiled him instead." Stoick stood. "Think about that awhile, Astrid. Ruckus is a great man. But he needs to lean on someone, now and again."
He scratched under his helmet, then nodded to me. "Get him to talk to you. You're meeting him in the morning, aren't you?"
I nodded dumbly.
He stood. "Good." Then he smiled again. Maybe.
Beard again.
I don't know about this, Spike. Stoick wants to get his son married off, as quickly as possible. Is he really thinking about Hiccup, here? And me… am I even sure that I'm right for him?
And would he want me now, anyway?
My mother was waiting for me last night.
"What's this about you and the Haddock boy?" she screeched. Odin and Thor, I hope I don't sound like Mum when I'm angry.
"What about us?" I said defiantly.
"That he's no longer walking with you! He's with Bloodnut Thorston's girl! It's all over the mead-hall! Have you destroyedthis family with your idiocy, Astrid?"
I felt my stomach turn to ice. I've been awake all night.
I'm about to meet Hiccup for training, and it's a choice between horrible, painful conversation, and indifferent, stilted politeness. Which is horrible too.
And there are four days left.