Chapter 31
What was he doing?
Kakashi didn't know to whom he should ask that question. To himself, for watching over Sasuke? Or to Sasuke, who would soon collapse from exhaustion? It was already the third time Kakashi would have to carry Sasuke back home. And he was running out of excuses to give to the kid.
He couldn't just tell the kid that he was watching him. Aside from it being creepy, he didn't want to reveal himself too much to the kid. In the end, Kakashi's and Sasuke's paths would be different; there was no need to make a pointless connection here.
And yet, here he was still ready to help the kid. But what could he do if the kid was just stupid enough to train his body until he collapsed? Iruka would get angry with him if he left the kid be, and Kakashi didn't want a ghost to haunt him.
Though he was more annoyed that Iruka Umino was right, Kakashi didn't know him. But it still annoyed him that someone like him was right. Not only was he right that something would happen to him, but also that Kakashi would need to look after Sasuke Uchiha.
And the most annoying thing Iruka was right about was that Kakashi would do as he was asked to. He didn't appreciate how easily he was read through. And here he was now, watching as a kid fell to the ground again, scrabbling at the ground to stand up again, only to fall once again.
It was a vicious cycle that Kakashi was way too familiar with. But that didn't make it any easier to watch it once again. Especially when it happened to someone else. And yet, he knew better than to try to stop him.
It wasn't like he needed to stop Sasuke, as the boy was already far too exhausted. Mentally and physically. And there was nothing anyone could do about the former. Kakashi knew that, too.
"Should I carry you back home?" Kakashi asked as he poked at Sasuke's body with a stick.
"I am fine," Sasuke replied as he tried to stand up again, failing once again. "Leave me alone."
If only it were that easy. If it were up to Kakashi, he would leave everyone alone. But sadly, he had this little annoying thing called consciousness. And there was simply nothing he could do about it. He could only accept it as it came with being a human.
"Let's go, it is already dark, and you won't be able to get back by yourself," Kakashi said as he picked up Sasuke's feet and started dragging him home. "You know it isn't healthy to go this far. You won't be able to get any results like this."
"What do you know?" Sasuke asked back.
"Nothing, I know nothing," Kakashi replied. "Maybe just that it is all a lie."
"What is a lie?"
"Your revenge," Kakashi replied, already regretting saying it, but sometimes he just couldn't help himself.
"Shut up!" Kakashi expected that kind of response, and yet he still couldn't help himself.
"You think it will make you whole again," Kakashi continued to speak. "That once you manage to get your revenge, you will finally find peace. But it is a lie people like to convince themselves with. You are confusing pain for purpose. And hate with healing. When it is all over, you will realize that you have nothing anymore. And that silence in your heart will hurt you more than all the pain you ever felt before."
Kakashi stopped as he found the lack of response disturbing. He looked at Sasuke and saw silent tears falling down his face as he gnashed his teeth. His bruised hands formed a tight fist.
What was he doing?
What kind of authority did Kakashi have to talk about anything Sasuke must be feeling? He could only pretend to know it all, but in truth, he understood nothing. He himself was still lost and empty, so what would he know about healing?
"What am I supposed to do then?" Sasuke asked, and Kakashi kept silent. "I'm fine by myself, you don't need to look after me anymore."
Kakashi could only watch as Sasuke slowly got up and wobbled forward. There was something Iruka was wrong about. Kakashi shouldn't have been the one to look after this kid. It wasn't him that Sasuke needed by his side. He couldn't fill even a small part of that empty heart.
He could only watch as Sasuke struggled to walk and, as he was about to fall face-first to the ground once again, offer his back for him. He could only let Sasuke rest on his back as he picked up the boy and carried him back home.
"They all say the same thing," Sasuke said. "But no one tells me what I'm supposed to do. How am I supposed to deal with it? How can I possibly let it go? I would like to know it. But nobody was able to provide me with an answer."
"You endure," Kakashi replied. "We are shinobi. And we endure."
That was all that Kakashi knew of. There was no shortcut. There was no cure. No remedy. No answer. They could only endure it and hope it was enough. Even though they knew it was never enough. None of them was strong enough.
Over the past month, Kakashi watched over Sasuke as Iruka asked him to do. And over the month, he learned a lot about the boy. He learned that the boy was the same as him. But in many different ways.
…
In a couple of years, Orochimaru will make a deal with Suna and attack Konoha. Countless innocent people will die, the village will come to ruin, and the Third Hokage will die. And that would only be the start of everything, not the end.
Would even a single shinobi in this village believe those words? Even Orochimaru wouldn't. And yet they were as true as Iruka's existence in this world. A meaningless thing that won't change anything.
The burning taste of Iruka's liquor lingered for a second as he took his first sip after so long. It was nice; it let him forget what had been and what would be, and only with this could he focus on the present moment. He knew he was dependent on it. Though addicted would be a better description.
"Put it down," the Third Hokage said.
"One moment," Iruka took another sip from the flask. "And you knew that I wouldn't be able to resist, especially when you give me something so delicious."
As annoyed as the Third Hokage was, he could only blame himself. After all, it was he who gave Iruka his flask back. And he even filled it up with quite nice liquor. Iruka didn't need to smell it, as the weight of it already compelled him to taste it.
"Anyway, you must have some nerve to ask me something like this," Iruka said as he glared at the Hokage before him. "I am still recovering, and I have already made myself clear. I don't want any part of this kind of mission."
"And that's why you are the best suited for it," Asuma said. "Not many know of your true skill. And no one knows you in the capital. Nobody will even bat an eye at you, since you aren't in your best condition, nor are you an active shinobi."
"That is an advantage that no one else has, especially no one of even a similar level to you," the Third Hokage added. "We need you to do this. Nobody, aside from you, can guarantee success."
Iruka lifted his arm, which was thin like a twig. Bones and skin, the muscle was barely starting to grow on them. That was the price he paid for using Akimichi pills that required a special constitution. He was already lucky he didn't cripple himself for life.
And with this kind of body, they wanted to put him on a mission. And an important one at that. How ridiculous. They severely overestimated his abilities. Sure, he was good at hiding and striking from behind, but that was all there was to it. There were plenty who could do better. Or at least as good as him.
But he was a shinobi through and through. And even if he didn't want it, he knew it was better to finish what he started. He could act like an asshole as much as he wanted, but his job wasn't to act like a shinobi; it was to be one. One that protected the village.
"Details," Iruka sighed and said.
"Madam Shijimi isn't particularly interested in anything inside the capital or the village. She is knowledgeable about political affairs in the country as she manages a few businesses, but it is unlikely for her to make deals with any shinobi. So, if anyone else heard your report, they would laugh at you and say that you, at best, have misunderstood the situation."
"But you aren't doing either," Iruka pointed out, seeing Asuma's serious expression.
"Because it makes sense to me."
That alone told Iruka all he needed to know. He just would have liked it if Madam Shijimi were just trying to overcompensate for something and meddling in things she shouldn't be. But nothing was simple in this world.
"Something suspicious is going on in the capital, especially around Madam Shijimi. I can't leave the Daimyo's side easily, and without anyone noticing my absence, so I can't investigate it further. So, I am using this situation to get a personal report about Danzo to ask for help. Nobody but me, the Third Hokage, and you know of it."
It didn't escape either Iruka's or the Third Hokage's mind that Asuma didn't even try to address him as his father. But neither of them put too much thought into it. This mission was already more than complicated enough.
Taking the report filed by Asuma, Iruka read through the subjects of interest in this mission. Most of them were close aides to Madam Shijimi. Asuma focused on the newest additions the most. But Iruka felt a sickening feeling in his stomach about this mission.
And that feeling was the only reason he agreed to do this mission to begin with. Something smelled fishy, and he had already suspected something. He just couldn't confirm it yet. And even though there were plenty of people who would like to weaken Konoha, there was only one who stood out to Iruka.
"How will I infiltrate the capital and the palace? Under proper protocols, or unseen, unheard, and unnoticed?" Iruka asked.
"You will come to the capital for further rehabilitation for your injuries," the Third Hokage said. "Then you will be invited to the palace for one day and one night. After that, you will leave for Konoha."
He just could have told Iruka to go fuck himself and figure it out by himself. It would be a lot easier, but now he needed to act all nice and not cause any trouble while he was officially there.
To most shinobi, it would be a perfect opportunity to familiarize themselves with the area. They could move freely and without anyone posing any suspicion about them. But Iruka didn't need it. Well, he didn't need it before. But with his body like this, it might be better to play it nice and slow.
"Time for preparation? Resources? Backup?"
"None. For all three of them," the Third Hokage replied.
"Fuck do you mean none? I am not one of your ANBU," Iruka, of course, complained. "I need assurance."
"You know well that assurance will make you more susceptible to failure," the Third Hokage replied. "And don't curse at me, you fucking brat. And the reason you aren't getting anything is that you aren't an ANBU, but just a disposable asset I can throw away anytime and replace as I wish."
"Oh, I see now. Just because my body is like this, you think you can push me as you like, old man?" Iruka said.
"This old man can still beat up a drunken brat at any time of day and drag the shitstain you are through any mud I want."
"You talk a lot for someone who sits behind this table day in and day out. When was the last time you were faced with a proper opponent?"
"There is no opponent for me to face, you brat."
"Oh yeah, what about—"
"Would you both shut up already?" Asuma didn't seem to like Iruka's and the Third Hokage's banter. "There is no time for this bullshit."
Iruka responded by drinking more from his flask, and the Third Hokage lit up his pipe. Asuma was pretending to be way too serious. It didn't suit him. But he was at that age where he took everything seriously and tried to act responsibly. It was nothing but annoying.
Iruka could never do that anymore. Neither could the Third Hokage. That's why Iruka could voice his anger so freely, and the Third Hokage could reply to him in the same manner. They both knew that all of this was bullshit to begin with.
"I need three days to prepare. I take Shin and Sai with me as my aides; they won't be part of the mission, though, and I need funds for gambling."
"You get two days, do as you wish with Shin and Sai, but they won't enter the palace. I will provide you with a hundred thousand ryo, but all the winnings come back to me."
"Stingy old bastard," Iruka complained silently, but shut up when the Third Hokage raised his eyebrow.
Iruka just wanted to finish this quickly. He was serious when he voiced his wish for retirement. After this, he would focus on teaching the kids and training himself. As much as he knew how useless he was, he still couldn't stand to be so pathetically weak.
He needed to at least get back to the level he was before, before he could drink himself to death. And what else would he do? Start writing? He didn't think so. At the very least, he would not let himself be humiliated by the likes of these kids.
A.N. As always, thanks for reading and supporting me, so I can continue writing without any concerns, and if you want more, up to seven more chapters, you can support me on pa treon. com \ ironwolf852.