Nox's POV:
"HEY! WHO THREW THIS SOAP AT ME!"
"PRISONER 0948! STAND DOWN, OR-!"
*Swoosh*
Hello, voices inside my head. It has come to my attention that a certain slanderous documentary inside my subconscious has been making wild accusations about me such as, me being a tsundere, or throwing a flamethrower party in whitebeards academy home, that are not at all true. That is why I am here to fill you all in on what has been going on since my retirement from magical girlhood, instead of some objectively lying narrator.
It all started last year a couple of days ago. I was kind of pissed after losing my money printing prototype for the second time thanks to a toast loving idiot and a pizza delivering guy with the wrong address. So, I stuck the pizza guy-king with the bill and bailed with my teleportation cube. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a mix-up with the coordinates I punched in, either because of the wormhole I had used not long ago, or cuz the remains of my money printer were doing an Armageddon directly below us. Either way, I ended up teleporting not to my kids' escape-pod, but the cold ass vacation home of that playboy, known as the Frost Palace.
This spatially unstable popsicle castle happens to be where the playboy sends his kinkiest girlfriend/stalkers. And me, a female magical cosplayer not in a guard uniform, had suddenly appeared in the middle of it. The guards tried to arrest me for trespassing but lost me after I played a little game I call, identity theft, with the guy I found shitting in the bathroom. I was going to walk out the front door, but there is a naughty mystery person who messes with the environment to keep anyone from leaving. I ended up getting portaled in front of an avalanche and captured the moment I tried to leave the building.
That is how I came to be dressed like a common criminal pervert, using the magic stones I have been pickpocketing off the guards to turn invisible and frame people for throwing random stuff at each other during lunch time.
"OKAY, THAT IS IT! PRISONER 0758! YOU ARE GOING IN THE HOLE!" Said the guard after I threw some more soap.
"WHAT?! BUT IT WASN'T ME! I SWEAR!"
*Swoosh*
"Ugh! *Gag* What's that smell?" Asked the guy I just threw a vomit-stained snowball at.
"PRISONER 0564! A WEEK IN THE HOLE!"
"WHAT? BUT I DIDN'T-!"
"THAT'S 2 WEEKS IN THE WHOLE! ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE JOINING EM?!"
As I heard the words I had been waiting for, I did not hesitate to throw the bowl of moldy dirt and worms they serve here into the guard's face.
*Swoosh*
*splat*
The reason why I am doing this is because I need a distraction to sneak away unnoticed. After my last stroll, they have been keeping a close eye on me, or I think they have. If this is the normal amount of staring they give every inmate here, then they are going to need a lot of eyedrops.
Anyways, with my core still too weak for any major shenanigans, they would totally notice if I suddenly turned invisible, except for now, during lunch time when I can hide in the crowd. That said, there are guards at every exit to the cafeteria. While I might be able to sneak around the crowd of inmates running to and from the designated vomit-zone for those who ate a bad bowl of moldy dirt, if I walked straight up to a guard, they would probably notice me. Meaning, if I want to leave this room unnoticed, I will need a distraction, like say, a riot in the cafeteria.
"HEY, GET OFF ME!"
"HEY, IT WASN'T HER, MAN!"
"SILENCE! OR YOU ARE ALL GOING IN THE HOLE!"
Crowd mentality is such a scary thing. It only takes two people to start a riot. One person to start something, and another person follows suit which will encourage the rest of the group to join in after. By creating an illusion of rebellion, the warden over there will raise the stakes to intimidate us into compliance, but the more it fails, the less intimidating it becomes. Meanwhile, the more people I frame, the more likely one of them is to lash out in frustration for being unjustly punished for something he or she didn't do. The longer this cycle continues, the worse the inevitable fallout is going to be.
"SCREW YOU!"
*Bang*
"And that's how the cookie crumbles!" I muttered from under the table.
It just took one guy to punch a guard, then his prison gang joined in, then the other prisoners followed after, and soon, I spotted the guards at the doors begin to rush in to try and stop the ensuing brawl. And just like that, I was now free to roam the halls for about 5 to 10 minutes, depending on how long it takes to quell a group brawl of starved war criminals and stalkers.
Now, can anyone guess what my next move will be? I will give you some options:
Option A. The warden's office so I can steal keys and free everybody.
Option B. Food storage, cuz pizza.
Option C. Leave the popsicle palace on my own.
Option D. Track down whoever teleported me into an avalanche.
If you guessed A, then you're wrong, cuz the answer is B. First of all, option A would be pointless since I could just pick all the locks myself. Option C, leaving, wouldn't work cuz I'd just get teleported and/or buried alive again, and option D would not work cuz someone or something with the power to control a chaos plane like this would have just as tight of a security detail as the warden's tight ass. Option B on the other hand is so much better.
The food storage is closer to the cafeteria, which is good cuz I'm on a timer. The brawl might also lighten the security there, since nearby guards will likely be called away to help deal with the riot, making the heist much easier to pull off. Finally, there is the matter of my reward. If there is any lesson to be learned from the UFO crash, it is that pizza is worth its weight in gold, and if I am to renovate this terrible vacation home into a five-star spa resort, then I'm going to need a lot of golden pizzas.
*Bang*
*Wheeze*
As I approached the guard's personal food storage, I spotted two guards in front of it. That would be one less than what I saw on my way out during my short life as guard Michal-Mac-doesn't-exist. Using my invisibility to my advantage, I hurried to punch the first guard in the throat before he could react, damaging his vocal cords so he couldn't call for help, and stunning him momentarily so I could hurry and deal with his buddy, guard nr. 2.
"A-!*Gag*"
*Thud*
Guard nr. 2 tried to shout, but he choked on the sleepy rag I shoved down his throat. Guard number 1 tried to stab me from behind, but me having a 3rd person perspective of myself thanks to my 6th senses being awesome, I sidestepped his lunge and I hugged his neck so hard he fell asleep. Guard nr. 2 who was struggling with the sleepy rag followed suit soon after.
"Boy am I glad I don't need to do all that chemistry anymore!"
I am so glad I decided to give my body various poison glands. When I got captured in the old days, I smuggled all sorts of stuff up my bum-hole so I could make stuff like ether or chloroform. Not sure which was worse, the feeling of a glass tube threatening to break inside my lower intestine or trying to clean the equipment to a semi-functional degree every time I pull it out. Now it's just as easy as wiping the neurotoxins off my armpits and I have a sleepy rag.
Anyways, after I put the guards to sleep, I picked the lock on the door and started showing as much as I could into the storage rings I permanently borrowed from the sleepyheads. I would have used my own storage space, but it would be inefficient due to my core still being a mid-grade that can only handle one item at a time. However, there was a problem.
"What happened to you two? Why are you sleeping on the job?"
*Knock**Knock*
"Somebody open this door!"
While I could hear the fun police fumbling through their keys to stop my food raid, I was struggling to come to terms with this one depressing fact.
"There is no pizza!"
To my knowledge, which is not too much given I've mostly only explored the ground floor so far, all the good food is stored here, while the only other storage is the one where all the spoiled food fed to the prisoners is kept. Yet, there was a distinct lack of pizza in this room.
*Click*
"Why won't the door open?"
"Is it jammed again?"
"Alas, I must continue my search for the golden pizza elsewhere, because the crates I stacked in front of the door won't hold much longer." I muttered as I finished loosening the plank in the roof.
*Smash*
"THERE! IT'S OPEN! NOW SEARCH THE ROOM!" Said the angry old dwarf below as he smashed down my tower of crates.
I hurried to place back the loose roofboard I had removed, removing the last source of light in this dark hallway. Fortunately, I don't need my eyes to see my surroundings. The place I am in right now, I'm not sure, but I think it's a secret passage, and an old one judging by the amount of dust in here. Using my third eye to look around, it seems this hallway connects to a room on the 2nd floor that I think is the warden's bedroom, and a wall on the 1st floor, but that's not the interesting part.
"Sweet! More secrets!" I whispered to myself.
I noticed this brick that was poking out a few millimeters more than the others, and pushed it in, unlocking another secret passage leading to a trapdoor on the roof of the building. Poking my head out to take in the view of the guards rushing about, and the prisoners getting tortured, I started coming up with ideas. Then, seeing the starving inmates getting pushed into holes in the ground, I deduced the best one from my awesome brain of infinite wisdom.
As I now had a plan for toppling this place, I moved on to the difficult part. Picking a name.
"I need a stupid title to for this to work! Pizza prophet! Nah, I've talked too much about pizza as it is! Food maiden! Doesn't roll off the tongue! Holy filler! …"
I spent the rest of the day, finding and making secret passages through the place while thinking up food related titles for myself in preparations for the last supper of my future cult.