Chapter 159: Thank You
It was a face both familiar and unfamiliar.
A face that Subaru Natsuki had seen countless times in his past life.
Yet, looking at himself in the mirror now, he couldn't help but feel the person staring back at him wasn't him at all.
Those fierce eyes were bloodshot, ringed with deep dark circles. The smile hanging on his face looked fake and stiff.
"Looks like you finally realize just how ridiculous you look," Beatrice said coldly.
"..."
Subaru walked over to Beatrice and sat beside her.
He reached out and picked up one of the many books stacked high nearby. After flipping through a few pages, he realized they were all magic books that Beatrice had prepared for him.
He took his gaze off the books and looked at the tall pile—over ten volumes. Then, he slowly spoke:
"What should I do…?"
"Hmm? What do you mean, 'what should you do'?" Beatrice looked at Subaru in confusion.
Subaru lowered his head, and a tangle of emotions spilled out with his words.
"I thought I was making progress. I thought I was getting closer. I thought I had managed to make everyone smile and go home happy. But in the end, I didn't do anything.
Rem encountered Gluttony. Her memory, her name, was swallowed. No matter what I do, I can't save her. If only I had been stronger, if only I had thought more carefully—"
"Hah?! Who cares about that crap?" Beatrice interrupted with an annoyed voice, making Subaru let out a bitter laugh.
"Yeah... no one forced me to do anything. I chose this myself. But just facing a little setback, I don't know what to do anymore.
I really am pathetic… I should be pulling myself together, finding a solution. I shouldn't be making everyone worry..."
"Are you done talking yet? Betty doesn't care what happens to you. Do whatever you want, just don't disturb Betty's reading with stuff she doesn't care about."
"Sorry… Beatrice-sensei, can I put off the magic training for a bit longer?"
"Hmph, do whatever you like. Betty is only teaching you because she's bored. Whether you learn or not has nothing to do with her."
After saying this, Beatrice watched as Subaru stood up silently and headed toward the door.
Seeing him walk away, Beatrice shut her book with an annoyed face.
Then, she raised her hand, and with a surge of magic, Subaru's body was flung back into the room at high speed. Just as he tried to look back, he felt his head being pulled into an embrace.
"Hmph. Betty just can't stand looking at your sorry face—it's irritating. So just this once, Betty will graciously comfort you. Don't get the wrong idea."
"Even if you say that, I don't even know what to say anymore..."
Beatrice knocked Subaru lightly on the head and rested her chin on top of his head, hugging him gently.
Then she spoke in a tone Subaru had never heard before—soft and gentle:
"Just this once, got it? Only this once. You always act so strong, and just now you looked like you were about to cry.
Betty doesn't know what you're thinking, or what happened to you... but you don't always have to act so tough."
After her words, silence filled the library. They stayed in that position for a while before Subaru finally spoke in a weary voice:
"The truth is... I'm not a hero at all."
"Anyone can see that. What kind of hero is as stupid as you?"
"I'm really not strong at all... I'm weak."
" Betty knows. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come here like you were about to cry, looking for Betty to comfort you."
"You dragged me in here! You kicked me out and pulled me back in—how is that me looking for comfort?!"
"If Betty says it is, then it is. Quit whining."
"So unfair... you say you're comforting me, but you're not saying anything comforting at all."
Subaru fell silent again and covered his face with his hands.
"I want to go home. I had the chance to go back, but I gave it up. I gave up the chance to return home, and now things turned out like this...
All the effort I put in was just to fool myself—trying not to think about home. Everything I've done was just imitating someone I admired. I'm not strong. To you all, I might look like someone who can do anything, but that's not who I really am."
His voice gradually took on a sobbing tone as he continued pouring out the emotions he had kept buried deep inside.
Having lived through a game-like world, he longed for the warmth of home. He missed the love of his parents and wanted to tell them he was sorry.
He had imitated the one he looked up to, trying to get close to that ideal.
But he was not that person.
Every painful death he experienced, every time he saw someone else die in front of him, every broken promise—it was a pain no one could understand.
When he saw Rem's letter that time, he almost believed his efforts had finally been acknowledged.
But there was no one to share his pain.
No one to share his sorrow.
No one to understand his regrets.
No one knew what he had given up.
Back in the game world, at least there were people who shared the experience, people who could cheer him on, people who stayed by his side.
Now, the one most likely to stay by his side—Rem—was in a deep sleep…
He had thought all his efforts were worth it.
At least, in the earlier loops, it felt that way. He could numb himself with those achievements. He could trick himself into thinking he was improving through intense training.
But that fragile balance was shattered by just one failure, one irreversible tragedy—and everything became a joke.
"I see… So do you regret it?"
"Huh?"
"Betty is asking you—do you regret what you've done? Do you regret saving Emilia in the capital? Regret saving the villagers at the mansion? Do you regret what you chose to do?"
"Of course not."
"Didn't think so. After all, you're the type who risks his life for strangers," Beatrice said, a faint smile forming on her face.
"You said you were imitating someone, but that means you chose this yourself. No matter the reason, it was your choice."
"..."
"You really did save them. In their eyes, you're a hero. They trust you, respect you. But none of them ever asked you to protect them forever or save them. No one forced you to do this.
If it's too exhausting, then rest for a while. If you can't do it alone, lean on someone. You're not alone anymore, are you?"
"This feels weird… Beatrice-sensei saying things like this."
"Got a problem with that?!"
"No… Just feels like your character setting is falling apart."
"Hmph. I don't know what weird stuff you're saying, but you're the first person Betty has ever comforted. That's something you can celebrate for the next hundred years."
After saying this, Beatrice noticed that Subaru's body was trembling slightly. He was trying hard not to cry out loud, but in this quiet place with only the two of them, some things couldn't be hidden.
Beatrice gently closed her eyes and whispered softly:
"Thank you."
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