Engines roared in the distance, the ground trembling under the weight of hundreds of motorcycles. A storm of dust rose like a herd of wild beasts charging straight at them.
The three Spider-Men stiffened at once as their Spider-Senses flared violently, alarms ringing inside their heads.
"They're here again! They're here again!" Holland-Spiderman yelped, jumping like a frightened cat.
"Who's here?" Tony demanded, momentarily thrown off.
"Deadpools," Wolverine muttered, eyes narrowing at the cloud of dust. "Dozens of them."
Deadpool's head whipped around. "Hold up—when did you stop being Wolverine and become Deadpool Dog? And what do we even smell like?"
"Guys, relax. I'm fresh as an avocado after a bubble bath," he insisted, unsheathing his katanas. "This time, I'll block all the perverts for you and prove I'm the best Deadpool. From body to soul, baby."
Garfield-Spiderman frowned. "You are a Deadpool."
Deadpool twirled his blades dramatically. "Exactly. Which is why I'll tell them Peter belongs only to me!" He struck a heroic pose against the dust storm, looking like he was about to go out in a blaze of glory.
For a moment, the Peters actually wavered.
Then a bald, mangy dog came sprinting ahead of the horde, tongue lolling.
The three Spider-Men froze.
"Wait a sec," Garfield muttered, "why does that dog look like Deadpool when he… you know… turned into a dog that one time?"
A metallic clang rang out. Deadpool's katana dropped to the dirt as he collapsed to his knees, arms outstretched. His eyes filled with tears.
"Oh my god. Look at this beautiful little guy. It's practically me."
So much for heroic sacrifice. Deadpool had already surrendered to a dog.
The Spider-Men groaned in unison, smacking their foreheads.
"I knew he was unreliable," they muttered.
"Don't you dare insult this angel!" Deadpool cried, waving frantically. "Come here, little guy, come here!"
Three meters away, the Deadpool Dog leapt. Deadpool rushed forward to catch him—
—but the mutt landed squarely in Garfield-Spider's arms instead.
Its slobbering tongue immediately assaulted his face.
"Ugh! Why does it smell exactly like Deadpool's mouth?! Get off me!" Garfield gagged as he hurled the dog to Holland-Spider.
"No, no, no!" Holland yelped, now covered in slobber.
He flung it to Toby-Spiderman.
"Don't! Mary Jane will kill me!" Toby yelped before tossing it back toward Deadpool.
Deadpool caught the slobbering creature like a long-lost soulmate. "See? Perfect match. Same hobbies, same energy."
The dog licked his cheek, and Deadpool ripped off his mask, tongue out, happily licking back.
Everyone stared in silent horror.
"Oh my god…" Gwen muttered, clutching her chest.
The three Spider-Men scrubbed their faces furiously.
"I hate my past self for agreeing to come here," Garfield groaned.
"Are all Deadpools like this?" Tony asked, dumbfounded.
"Mr. Stark," Holland said through gritted teeth, "they only get worse."
Tony sighed, patting him on the back. "Now I understand why the Avengers never recruited this guy. My Avengers sure wouldn't."
He tapped his wrist, summoning several Iron Man suits that floated into formation overhead. "Don't worry, kid. No matter how many come, we'll hold the line."
The motorcycles were now only a few hundred meters away, the Deadpools screaming loud enough to drown out their engines.
"Peter!"
"My Peter, I'm coming!"
"Peter!"
"Peeeeterrrrr!"
They flailed their limbs wildly, like cultists worshipping chaos itself.
"Jarvis!" Tony barked. "Stop them. Don't hold back—they'll just heal anyway!"
"Yes, sir," Jarvis replied calmly through the armor's speakers.
The Mark 12 suits raised their hands, repulsors glowing.
Jarvis's polite voice carried across the battlefield: "Attention, Deadpools. Please pursue Mr. Parker rationally. You may only hug him with consent."
"No! I don't want a hug!" Holland yelled, covering his face.
"Apologies," Jarvis continued, "Mr. Parker refuses. Please leave immediately."
"Impossible!" a Deadpool screamed. "Peter would never reject us!"
"Yeah! Iron Man must be controlling him!" another shouted. "That bossy middle-aged man is forcing Peter to say this!"
"Rescue Peter! Capture Iron Man alive!"
The horde gunned their engines, roaring toward the Iron Man armor.
"Warning," Jarvis intoned. "Three, two, one…"
The suits fired.
Beams of light lanced across the field. Motorcycles erupted one by one, explosions flinging Deadpool limbs into the sky.
In seconds, the battlefield was covered in burning wreckage, smoke, and dismembered regenerating bodies.
The Mark 12 units hovered silently, repulsors dimming, as the dust began to settle.