This is shitpost
***
"I'm so bored..."
This is Bum, a guy who's overweight, kinda fat, and definitely not handsome.
In general, he'd be a perfectly normal person if it weren't for one absolutely terrible flaw.
"I wish I could fuck someone."
He's a massive pervert—no, way beyond that.
"I've tried my hardest to show off my manly side to girls, but not only do they ignore me, they're even disgusted! Girls these days, seriously!"
Oh yeah, he's also extremely arrogant and full of himself.
"But nothing beats Gwen from my class. Oh Gwen~" He drools, fantasizing about Gwen stepping on and crushing his balls. (what?)
While walking down the street, he suddenly notices something on the ground.
A Japanese coin tied to a string.
"...Why does this look exactly like that thing I saw in the hentai I watched?"
He picks it up and looks around.
It looks completely ordinary; probably someone dropped it here.
"Meow~"
A nearby cat meows and yawns.
"Well, here goes nothing."
He takes out the coin, holds it toward the cat, and starts swinging it back and forth.
The cat, which had been relaxing, immediately locks its eyes on the swinging coin. Its eyes instantly change.
It stands up on its hind legs.
"...?"
And starts dancing Gangnam Style!
"???"
Watching the cat dance with incredible skill, he stares at the coin in his hand.
"N-No way?! Is this a real hypnosis item?!"
Excitement and lust surge through him that his whole face turns red.
"HAHAHAHA!! JUST YOU WAIT, WOMEN! I'LL BECOME YOUR ADAM!!"
"Uh, what are you saying?"
Suddenly a voice from behind startles Bum. In panic, he thrusts the coin in front of him and starts swinging it.
The bespectacled boy stares confusingly at the swinging coin.
He had just left home to head to school when he saw a short, fat guy yelling something in front of a cat dancing Gangnam Style, so he got curious and approached.
[Oh, he's trying to hypnotize you, Peter.]
'Wait, really? That's bad! I have to deal with that coin!'
[Actually, I kinda want to see you get hypnotized just once, so... SEE YA!]
'WAIT WHAT THE F-'
Instantly, the light in his eyes vanishes and he completely loses awareness.
"...Did it work?"
Bum waves his hand in front of the boy's face, then grins in satisfaction.
Total success!
This guy... isn't he Gwen's boyfriend?
"Heh! I'm definitely gonna fuck your girlfriend right in front of you! Then get her pregnant—let's see how you react, you damn pretty boy!"
Grinning triumphantly, he looks down at Peter with contempt...
...until he takes a closer look.
"Actually... this guy is... how should I put it?"
After thinking for a moment, Bum pulls a wig out of his underwear and puts it on Peter's head. (where the hell did you get that from?)
Then he removes Peter's glasses.
"HOLY HELL! HE LOOKS SO HOT LIKE THAT! PERFECT! FUCK JUST GIRLS IS KINDA BLAND ANYWAY!"
He takes the wig off, puts the glasses back on, and orders Peter to follow him.
But after half a step, another voice rings out.
"Oh! Peter!"
Bum turns toward the voice. This time it's another super handsome and popular guy from school.
Harry Potter!
"Huh? Why does your face look like you just got hypnotized and are about to be turned into someone's femboy toy?" Harry scratches his head, looking at Peter.
Bum can't use the hypnosis this time—Harry would probably notice something and punch him right away. Hypnotizing Peter only worked because he acted fast.
So...
"Peter... say something!" Bum whispers. Peter nods.
"Harry, I have something to tell you. Do you want to hear it?"
"Huh? Hear what?" Harry asks.
"All my life I've been lonely, with no friends, no one to hang out with. Then suddenly you appeared—like a bright moon illuminating my heart, touching me deeply."
"Harry, I have to confess: without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. That's why, Harry, I'll always keep you in my heart... to remember your boundless kindness."
Hearing Peter's completely sincere, utterly truthful words, Harry is shocked and blushes a little, scratching his cheek.
"Jeez dude, you're making me blush. No homo though."
'Is this Harry guy gay?' Bum thinks to himself.
"That's weird, I'm sure it was around here..."
Another voice, this one feminine. Bum immediately recognizes it.
It's Gwen!
"Huh?"
Gwen sees the three guys: Harry, Peter, and... some stranger?
But she instantly recognizes what the stranger is holding.
"AH! THAT'S THE HYPNOSIS ITEM I WAS GOING TO USE FOR ROLEPLAY WITH PETER! GIVE IT BACK!!!"
"Huh?" Harry looks confused, staring at Bum.
"Shit, I've been found out! Peter!"
"Roger that."
Peter steps in front of Bum, radiating a terrifying aura.
"UOHHH!!!"
Instantly, his clothes tear to shreds, revealing rock-hard muscles.
No—even more ripped than that!
"????" Harry jumps back in shock, staring at Peter who now looks like a character from that bizarre manga he once read.
"ATTACK HIM!!" Bum commands.
"私の引き締まった筋肉を見てください!!!"
What the heck?! Since when does he speak Japanese??
"ハンサム,ハンサム,ハンサム,ハンサム!!" Peter unleashes a flurry of finger strikes at pressure points, relentlessly targeting Harry.
"ハンサム!!!"
Peter delivers the final strike, sending Harry flying.
"Uhah!!!" Harry's shirt explodes into pieces, leaving him collapsing on the ground wearing nothing but Hello Kitty underwear.
"Now then..." Bum turns to Gwen.
He's been in love with Gwen for ages—this is the perfect chance to make her his!
"Peter! Restrain her!"
Peter obeys, charging straight at Gwen without hesitation.
"How dare you touch Peter... Unforgivable!"
She releases a powerful aura that envelops the entire area.
"What the?!"
Instantly, all her uniform explodes off, leaving her completely naked.
"NANI?!" Bum yells, wiping a nosebleed.
If she can do the same thing as Peter, he'll have to try a different approach!!
"Peter! Take her down!"
"ハンサム,ハンサム,ハンサム,ハンサム!!"
Peter unleashes continuous attacks, but Gwen counters with equal—or even greater—speed!
She blocks his strikes effortlessly, then slips her soft hands through and gropes his chest.
"?!"
Feeling his pecs groped, Peter blushes furiously and throws a punch, but Gwen dodges and grabs something else!
His balls!
What the hell is this? A pervert fight?
"Damn it!" Seeing things going badly, Bum pulls out the coin.
"Peter! Hold her still and make her look at the coin!"
Peter surges forward and clamps her under his arm.
"HAHAHA! VICTORY IS MINE!!" Bum swings the coin wildly. A supernatural wave shoots toward her.
...
...
"Huh?"
Gwen is unaffected. He can't sense any sign of hypnosis.
"You idiot," her voice rings out, startling Bum.
"That thing only works on people who stare directly at it."
"But you were clearly looking at the coin??"
"You moron, look closer!"
He looks at her—and freaks out.
She... she's licking Peter's nipple?! (WHAT THE FUCK)
"You think I could focus on the coin while I'm enjoying his nipples? How stupid!"
"YOU FREAKY PERVERT—YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN ME!!"
Gwen then breaks free from under Peter's arm and unleashes a barrage!
Grope nipple, squeeze nipple, lightly bite ear, poke belly button, touch balls...
Whoosh!
She dashes past Peter and stands tall.
After enduring that horrific onslaught, Peter collapses.
But before he falls, Gwen catches him and carries him bridal-style.
"I'm off to fuck."
Then she vanishes at the speed of sound while carrying Peter.
"..."
Bum is speechless.
BAM!
A massive slap lands squarely on his cheek, knocking him out cold.
"Phew."
Harry grabs the coin, snaps it in half, and throws it into the nearby river.
"And that settles everything..."
He looks at the pile of shredded uniforms, then at the school.
"...Guess I'm skipping today."