Jade
I played tough, the way I do best.
I plastered a calm smile on my face, straightened my back, and encouraged Min, who seemed broken.
We can't both be this way; one of us has to react.
And that's me.
Even though I'm younger, even though I'm the more fragile.
I've been there; I know how to protect my heart.
And my love for him.
He left with his head down, like a prisoner, without adding a word to what he'd already said, and when he turned around for the last time, I smiled at him.
It wasn't until I closed the door that I collapsed on the floor and cried.
For two hours straight.
Then I went to take a shower, packed my bag, and left the hotel, thanking the staff for their kind welcome.
On the flight home, I didn't want to listen to music on my AirPods, otherwise I would have burst into tears again.
During the 14-hour flight, I reflected on everything and made a promise to myself: I have to grow up quickly and find my way, only then can I escape the pain.
My relationship with Min taught me that I'm strong, that I can take care of myself and make my passion my future.
When I arrived home, the pain had subsided, I had a great deal of enthusiasm on my face, and I told my whole family about the fantastic concert I'd experienced.
Apparently they already knew something, because videos of me singing during the sound check, outside of the rules, started appearing online—some unfortunate person always posts something—and, of course, they got tons of views.
Seeing them all again is something magical, but my heart skips a beat when I see "him."
He was very sweet; he wrote to me so much, sent me videos and messages, made tons of promises, but I know that with all his good intentions, he won't be able to keep them.
I know how hard it is to work by Korean standards, how tireless they are in their pursuit of perfection, and I won't blame them if, along the way, they forget about me.
The first time I thought about it, I cried, the pain was tearing through my chest.
After repeating it over and over again—I know, it's masochistic—I've convinced myself it's the right thing to do.
Even when I told Sherry, she looked at me with that look only mothers have, and then she hugged me.
"Darling, every time you cry thinking about what you've lost, remember why you did it," she said.
And last night I'd already forgotten about it, since I started crying like an idiot again.
I'll miss Min-ho like the wind, with every fiber of my being.
I'll damn myself, I'll curse myself for my stupid goodness because I know I'll never love anyone like him.
He's sun, life, love to me, and I don't even dare to think what my life will be like without seeing his life, hearing his voice, reading his poems.
But I have to be strong and hope that with time, things will change.
I wake up with a cold feeling on my skin and realize I'm drenched in sweat.
Summer is coming quickly, and the temperatures have risen significantly.
I sigh and pick up my phone to check the time, realizing I have a notification.
It's his.
I sigh, wiping my face and moving my hair to the side for a bit of coolness.
"I thought you'd protest so I wouldn't leave, and your resignation hurt me deeply. I struggled to understand the reason for your last smile, and I've been mulling it over all day, feeling a deep pain in my stomach. Only by watching the dawn break did I understand that you know a secret I don't: you know life, Jade. You know deep pain, suffering, falling, abandonment. You know how to smile in the face of tragedy because you carry chaos and loneliness within you, while I, who only dreamed of protecting you, don't even dare imagine what you're feeling. You didn't say 'I love you' to me lightheartedly, nor like one loves an idol. No, you've felt every single word of your love, while I wonder what or who I've loved until now. You're a dream to me, a fairy who burst into my life with force and caused me turmoil, surprise, and enthusiasm. I'm not worthy of your love, I didn't even try to protest, and what hurts me the most is that you You knew it. I'm ashamed of myself, but I make you a promise: I will grow up and return to you with my heart in my hand, hoping that until then, you can wait for me. And if that doesn't happen, don't worry. You have a right to so much in life, especially the unconditional love of someone who puts you first. And in this I failed... but I just want to get one promise from you, my sweet love. Please, never forget me! Love you, your sunshine."
I don't know which line I'm crying from, but I can't stop.
He also understood that his dream was shattered and wanted to say goodbye.
Of course I won't forget you, you stupid Korean idiot!
I'm sure I won't find another like you, but not better, either, for that matter.
And there will never be anyone who will make me feel as special as you did.
Goodbye, my sweet love.
May you shine like the new star that will illuminate all the galaxies in the universe.