Jade
Stupid heart, stop beating!
God, I thought I was going to faint when I saw him in front of me.
A fish, that's it. I must have had the silly expression of a fish struggling out of water.
But—damn!—I dreamed about him so much that seeing him in person unsettled me.
And in front of Marco, no less!
I must have looked like an idiot, letting him kiss me like that.
I bite my lip.
Me, who's been rambling for hours about exes being a thing of the past, about not getting caught up in lame excuses for anything in the world, and blah blah blah.
Idiot that I am!
I sigh as I pour a drink into the glass, careful not to spill anything.
Be careful, Jade!
Min-ho is a tempting devil, and now he'll do anything to get the better of you.
...as if that were difficult, damn it!
I glance sideways at his face, so damned alive like my memories.
That lock of hair falling over his forehead, though... and his tormented eyes. Could something have happened?
I take his hand, instinctively.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
And his answer surprises me.
"I don't know what I thought I'd find, bursting into your life. But it was stronger than me. Forgive me, Jade. I don't want to make you suffer anymore."
Suffer? Me?
I smile sadly.
"I won't suffer, Min. Not anymore."
My mother ripped my heart from my chest and threw it away.
You couldn't protect my soul from the pain of separation.
I'm far from my friends and loved ones.
What could make me suffer?
Nothing!
I feel nothing anymore, except this infinite melancholy that drives me to get up every day.
And the desire not to succumb.
But the pain, no. I don't know what that is anymore.
His eyes become sad, but my heart, strangely, calms.
I breathe in and feel myself coming back to myself.
I squeeze his hand for a brief moment, a light, consoling pat, and then I let go.
"So, did you run away or what?"
I say it with a hint of irony, and his look makes me laugh.
"Yes... more or less."
He sighs and pushes his hair back.
"From what?"
"From myself."
His tone is firm, serious, and it surprises me.
Mih-no, rationality has never seemed so fragile to me.
"Have you become such a bad person?"
He bursts out laughing, and the sound fills my soul.
I love his laugh, his lips curling, his eyes sinking into his cheeks.
I absorb every moment of his being and understand that, deep down in my heart, he will always be there.
Damn idol!
"Yes, I've become a bad person, Jade. And it's your fault."
He raises his hands to forestall my response.
"You told me to do my best, not to ruin my career, and to bury my heart. And I did. So well that if you had seen me, you would have been proud of me. I wore a mask so thick it even covered my heart. And then… just seeing Seo Joon smile for you shattered everything. Everything. Career, life, hypocrisy. Mine. And that's why I'm here. Only you can tell me who I am."
"Me?"
I'm devastated by his words.
He said them in a normal, firm tone, but so heartfelt that they felt like pins stuck in my skin.
"I can no longer sink into work to forget your smile, spend nights exhausting myself dancing or smiling when I want to scream 'enough'. I'm just a man, Jade."
"You're an idol, Min. You're not a man. You're a product, a dream, a symbol. And in your society you have duties, not rights."
He shakes his head bitterly.
"The only right that matters to me is right here in front of me. And it's denied to me."
I close my eyes for a moment and hold my breath.
I. Must. Not. Give.
I've held on for a long year, I can't send everything to hell.
I open my eyes again and find my own suffering in his eyes.
I raise a hand in warning.
"No, Min, stop this push and pull. I don't want it. I don't care."
I see him take the blow, but he doesn't look away.
"Then help me forget you, Jade. Rip this feeling from my heart, or you'll have me camped out on your doorstep for the rest of my life."
He takes my hand and pulls me suddenly toward him.
I land on his chest, his warmth overwhelming me.
"How can you ask me that?"
This time I'm screaming, my hands clutching his jacket.
We're face to face, eye to eye, hearts beating like forest drums.
"I'm desperate," he whispers, resting his forehead against mine.
He pulls me into a suffocating embrace and presses his lips against my neck.
The contact sends shivers down my spine, and I can't react.
"I can't spend my nights searching for your image, snooping on your profiles, or hoping for a message from you. Enough, Jade, all I do is write songs for you that I throw in the trash."
A dull pounding fills my head.
Min hasn't forgotten me.
I desperately want to hold him close, but I don't have to.
I don't. I have to.
I promised him. And myself.
I grit my teeth and pat him affectionately on the back.
"What would Ji-Ri say if she heard something like that?"
I feel him stiffen against me.
"What?"
His voice is icy.
"Your official girlfriend. Does she know you're thinking about another woman?"
He pushes me away from him with a jerk, taking me by the shoulders.
"Are you serious? I'm confessing my love to you, and you're talking to me about Ji-Ri?"
"I'd be offended if I were her."
I tell him this brutally, even smiling.
He takes a step back and looks at me painfully.
"Why are you doing this, Jade? For Seo Joon? To punish me for being stupid?"
I shake my head and walk away from him, going to open the window.
I take it easy, walking slowly, and when I turn around, my face shows no trace of internal torment.
"You asked me for help, and I'm giving it to you, for the sake of what happened between us." I sit on the couch and invite him next to me, patting the cushion.
He stares at me sullenly for a long moment, then slowly sits down, keeping his distance.
He sulks and makes me smile.
"Your torment isn't love, but obsession. I represented the break with your daily routine, your controlled life, your repressed emotions. You think of me when you feel crushed by responsibilities, by thoughts, as if I were some sort of tropical island to which you could escape."
I reach out and take his hand, which remains rigid.
"You don't love me, Min. If that were the case, neither the contract, nor the career, nor the manager would have stopped you. Seo Joon's presence was enough to make you feel threatened. It's possession, your need to protect your territory. But I'm not an object to be taken and forgotten at your leisure. Go on with your real life, rid yourself of the memory of me."
He looks at me painfully and squeezes my fingers.
"If you wanted this, you shouldn't have smiled at me that day. And you shouldn't have taken possession of my body, my mind, my heart."
I sigh.
"I was a little girl. I was your fan, and you seemed like my sun. My sunshine… Put yourself in my shoes. When would I have another chance like that?"
"I wasn't a fling for you!"
I shake my head.
"No, you weren't. But you're the past, Min. And as wonderful, unforgettable as you were, you're still there. In my memories. Now my life is moving forward in a different direction."
"That… Marco? That boy, who is he?"
"Someone who could become part of my life, maybe…"
He stands up abruptly and runs his hands through his hair nervously.
"I'm leaving!"
I stand up and take the sleeve of his jacket, forcing him to look at me.
"Where? Did you book a hotel before rushing here?"
I see him looking confused and smile.
"You're still the same mess!"
I walk to the cabinet in the hall, open a drawer, and fish out a set of keys.
I return to him and hand them to him.
I point to the doors in front of us.
"That's my room, and it's off limits. The door after that is the bathroom, make sure you don't leave any mess. That door with the glass is my dance rehearsal room. The last door is free; there are a couple of boxes from the previous tenant who'll pick them up next week. Put your things there, at least for today. Then tell me how long you're staying and we'll get organized."
I look at my watch with a start.
"I have to go to work, I'm already late. If you're hungry, check the fridge; there's something ready. Otherwise, there's a pizzeria downstairs; ask for takeout."
I grab my jacket and bag and give him one last warning look.
"And don't do anything stupid, like disappear without telling me. This time I'll have the police after you!"
I walk away, open the front door, and leave.
Only when I hear the lock click do I manage to breathe.
What the hell have I done?
To keep my mind off things, I start running down the stairs, my heart racing faster than my running steps.