The lanterns and the whole fair were just as impressive as I remembered.
There was something about the place that made it difficult to describe properly. The lights seemed warmer here. The shadows deeper. Even the merchants felt different, as though everyone who came here understood something about the world that I didn't.
I still hadn't figured out what that something was.
"How did they know where the fair was going to be held?" I whispered to Sadako.
Mary and Nicholas were speaking with the man I now knew was one of the lantern-bearers.
Sadako looked farther into the fair.
"I don't know. Maybe there's an operative who is also a merchant."
She laughed quietly.
"I mean, it was pretty easy for me to get in when I first came."
"Yes, but it clearly isn't that simple to belong."
My eyes moved toward one of the stall owners.
There was something strange about watching all these people interact so casually. Cultists, merchants, ordinary people—whatever distinctions existed between them seemed to disappear beneath the lanterns.
"Megumi—"
Sadako turned toward me.
"Where's Karly?"
I blinked.
"I don't know."
I looked around.
"She was here looking at the stalls too."
Sadako's expression changed.
"Hmm."
She glanced around the fair.
"Well, come. You said you were curious about the word Chi."
I immediately brightened.
I'd been searching for an answer for what felt like forever.
Every person I asked gave me Qi.
Or fate.
Or destiny.
Or some other answer that wasn't quite what I was looking for.
"The lantern-bearers are rather well travelled," Sadako continued. "He might be able to help."
She looked around again.
"Nicholas."
He turned.
"Karly is gone."
My smile faltered.
For a moment, I felt as though I'd failed at something.
I was supposed to keep an eye on her.
"Oh, don't feel bad," Sadako said quickly. "She was supposed to have arrived here alone. You weren't expected to babysit."
I looked at her.
She looked just as worried as I felt.
That didn't make me feel better.
I took a deep breath.
Then I walked toward the lantern-bearer's table.
"Good evening, sir."
The man turned toward me.
"My colleague said you might have an answer to my question."
I took another breath.
"Good evening, miss."
He adjusted his robe.
"What might your question be?"
My eyes fell on the lantern sitting on his table.
It was old.
Not damaged, exactly.
Just well used.
"What is Chi?"
For a moment, he said nothing.
I waited.
Then he tilted his head.
"Chi..."
He seemed to search his memory.
"Hmm. It's been a while since I've heard that."
I blinked.
"Presuming you're referring to Qi?"
"No."
I shook my head.
"I mean Chi. Not the one some martial artists cultivate."
"I see."
He reached for a small teapot.
He poured himself a cup.
"I don't have a perfect definition of the word."
"That's okay."
I smiled.
"And thank you."
He offered me tea.
I politely shook my head.
He took a sip.
"It could be said to be the deepest truth of what you want from life."
I remained quiet.
The words felt simple.
But I wasn't sure I understood them.
He continued.
"Or, to be more precise, it is the recognition of one's deepest desire."
He lowered his cup.
"The thing one truly wants to become, experience, protect, create, understand, or possess."
I stared at him.
"What you truly want to do..."
I murmured.
"What you truly want to be."
I finally understood what the man from the Dog Province had been trying to tell me.
Then another thought came.
"Wait."
I looked at him.
"Isn't that like your ultimate goal in life?"
I hesitated.
"Like... your destiny?"
"No."
He said it simply.
"If destiny is the course your life is meant to take, Chi is the one who walks with you through it."
I paused.
He turned to speak with one of the merchants beside him.
I waited until they were finished.
"What about Fate?"
He laughed softly.
"Fate?"
He considered the question.
"Fate is what is meant to happen."He set his cup down. "Destiny is the course your life is meant to take."
I nodded slowly.
"So..."
I tried to organize it in my head.
"Fate is what is meant to happen."
"Yes."
"Destiny is the course my life is meant to take."
"That is one way of putting it."
"And Chi is what I truly desire from life."
He smiled.
"Precisely."
I stared at the lantern.
Something about that distinction felt important.
"Then following or finding your Chi could be fate..."
I thought about it.
"But it might not be destiny."
He nodded.
"It could be."
I had another question.
Of course I did.
"Megumi."
Sadako's voice came from behind me.
"We're leaving."
"A moment."
My answer came out sharper than I intended.
I was becoming frustrated.
Not with her.
With the fact that every answer seemed to create another question.
I turned back toward the lantern-bearer.
"Does that mean Chi is..."
I stopped.
I didn't know how to phrase it.
The lantern-bearer waited patiently.
"Is Chi supposed to be something good?"
He smiled.
"No."
I blinked.
"A person's Chi could be evil."
I stared at him.
"Chi isn't necessarily the one ultimate good deed that a person would be satisfied with."
He lifted his cup.
"It could be anything."
He took another sip.
"Something grand."
He paused.
"Or something as mundane as opening a shop. Getting a particular job. Raising a family. Learning something you've always wanted to learn."
I listened.
"It doesn't have to be an ending."
He looked toward the fair.
"It can simply be what you choose to pursue because, when you look at it honestly, that is what you want."
I smiled.
"Thank you."
I reached into my clothes for some money.
He raised a hand.
"No."
I paused.
"I can't pay you?"
He shook his head.
"Thank you for the conversation I had with my tea."
He lifted his cup slightly.
I laughed.
A small smile appeared on my face.
I felt a little embarrassed for turning down his tea earlier.
Then he added,
"Chi being anything, in my understanding, means life does not require some ultimate outcome to have meaning."
I looked at him.
"The little things we end up choosing are just as important."
I bowed my head.
"Thank you."
I stepped away from the table.
Sadako was waiting for me.
"Did you get your answer?"
Nicholas and Mary were already walking ahead of us.
"Yes."
I walked beside her.
"But I just remembered..."
Sadako glanced at me.
"We never used that radish flour you purchased from that merchant."
She stopped.
Her face changed.
The color seemed to drain from it.
"A lot happened. I..."
She began trying to explain herself.
I stared at her.
Then I sighed.
I didn't have the energy.
I walked past her.
She hurried after me.
I looked up at the sky.
The stars were still difficult to see through the glow of the lanterns.
What is mine?
I wondered.
If Chi was what I truly wanted from life...
What did I truly want?
I didn't know.
Not yet.
But for the first time, I understood that perhaps I wasn't supposed to find an answer written somewhere.
Perhaps I was supposed to choose it.
And perhaps...
my Chi would find me.