FROM ELLA PERFAE
TO LARA PERFAE
34 MAY'S CORNER
CASTLEFORD
LO6 1AR
You didn't look at me!
You didn't look at me once; not even for a moment. You walked into that courtroom, defying me until the very moment you left. All you did was stare straight ahead, giving your attention to the judge, the prosecution, the jury, to your own hands clenched in your lap. You even looked at Mr.Rajmen when it was his turn to speak. But you didn't look at me. Your own sister.
After all these months of silence, was that the reunion you wanted us to have? Was that all you could offer me? A cold shoulder, a heart of stone, a painful reminder that you still haven't changed. Instead, you blended in, matching everyone else in that courtroom; they were all so... stoic, so unemotional. The only warmth I could feel was the heat of their judgement, and yours.
It was the same at the hearing all those months ago. You weren't there; no one from our family was. You must have stopped everyone from going. I was left all alone, no one to stand by me, to believe in me. Just a sea of strangers, and they all had that same disbelieving look in their eyes as I stood up to face them, my voice clear and steady as I pleaded Not Guilty.
There was a silence that rushed over the entire courtroom after I said that. It was so vivid, so powerful, and it screamed every one of their thoughts out loud; she's lying, she did it, she's a murderer.
They knew nothing then, and they know nothing now. They have no evidence to prove their claims because they're all wrong about me. You're wrong about me. And when the jury proclaims me innocent of all charges... by then, I'm afraid it will be too late. We won't be able to return to how we were; our family will be changed forever.
There is only so much I can do by myself, especially in the position I'm in now. It's up to you to fix things, Lara. You need to accept you were wrong and help me return to our family, to my children. You're their star witness, their only path into our lives. Revoke your testimony, and their case collapses.
You're the one who started all this, after all.
You brought your so-called proof to the police, and agreed to testify against me. You damned our family. And if you do not revoke your statement by the end of this trial, even after all the chances I've given you, even after knowing the whole entire truth...you do not deserve to be forgiven. You deserve to be alone. I cannot remain by your side. You will have no one. You'll have nothing but your regret, your shame, and a bleak future created by your own ruinous choices.
There is still time. The next trial date isn't for another week. You have to believe me, Lara; I'm not a criminal. I have done nothing wrong. I no longer wish to be involved with the law, and their sterile courtrooms and their mechanical workers. It is absolutely soul-crushing, and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
After my plea at the preliminary hearing, this case was put to trial, and what followed was a draining blur of statements, reports and interviews. It has been endless, a continuous stream of questions based on this imaginary and monstrous version of myself that the prosecution have drawn from your accusations. This whole process has been tiresome. Tedious. Lifeless.
It's nothing like my letters.
My letters have heart. My letters have truth. When I write them, it's a wonderful break from the cruel reality you've trapped me in. I just don't know how you're going to live with yourself, live with the guilt, when you realise you're wrong. When everything comes crashing down. You will never know just how hard I am fighting against everything you're putting me through, but you will, one day.
Mr. Rajmen says it will all pay off. He is confident. He says your team's case is weak, and it will come crumbling down like sand. Everything they have is circumstantial. You're their only witness, and even then, your claims are mere theories; you haven't seen me do anything you've accused me of. They're all stories, stories you've sold to these cold, dark people, stories you've created in your little fantasy world because you're too afraid of the actual reality. You were so desperate to make sense of it all, that you panicked and latched onto the most painful explanation. Surely you're beginning to see that now.
Think of everything I've told you in my letters, Lara. Think of how I suffered. I was the victim. Denis was selfish and absent. He neglected us. He shoved me against a wall. He served me papers and his next step would be to try to tear my children away from me. He didn't believe I was a good mother and would always tell me, remind me that I was not good enough for him. So I found the strength to walk away, to build a better life for myself... without him. I found the strength to win against him.
That is what made him snap, Lara.
Denis didn't think I could be so strong. He couldn't bear that I was so sure in my own conviction. As his own life became hollow, he realised that he was now all alone. That the person who had ruined his life was not his wife, not his children, but himself; his own weakness, his own failings as a husband and a father.
And so, faced with the empty future he had built with his own two hands, Denis decided to do the only thing he felt he could do to escape it.
I am not on trial for his murder, Lara. I am on trial for surviving him. For thriving in spite of him. They are prosecuting my strength, my conviction, and my courage.
This is what you are supporting. Every day you spend in that courtroom, you are destroying any chance our family has of returning to normal. You are burning the last bridge we have back to each other, back to the children, back to happiness.
It was easy to make me the villain, wasn't it? I tick all the right boxes, don't I? A neglected wife. A jealous sister. A resentful daughter. A rejected, bitter woman.
It's honestly a miracle that you were able to convince everyone about your lies. How do you sleep at night? Or do you lie awake, practicing your lines in the mirror, controlling for every emotion, every movement, so you can continue playing this role of forlorn wife and mother, so you can hide behind the tears you always seem to be shedding?
It will soon be over, Lara, this act of yours. The curtains will close on you before you're even finished, and your audience will leave dissatisfied.
Mr. Rajmen says if we can disprove the prosecution's claims regarding Denis's death, then every other charge will crumble. It's only a matter of time, Lara, because the truth is that I am no criminal, and sometimes a heart burdened by its own failures can just... stop.
So, I ask you, again; what will you do? Will you stop treating me like your enemy, or will you stay playing the fool?
The choice is still yours, Lara.
You can stop this.
But until then, I will be watching you. I will be watching every flicker of your eyelids, every tremor in your voice; I will be watching everything. You will not be able to ignore me forever. You will have to look at me when you swear to tell the truth.
Make the right choice, Lara.
I do not deserve this. My children do not deserve this.
Send my love to my children. Tell Aiden and Cleo that I will return to them soon.
Always you sister,
Ella