14th Day of the Rowan Moon, Year 347.
I haven't been able to update this in a while, so I'll write down what's happened.
It's been about four months since me and Ren moved out of the estate.
For the first couple of weeks, things were tough.
Because I left the estate without much thought, the only money to my name was the money I had made in my time at the academy.
Luckily, that was a decent amount of money, but I still should have used my brain more.
Then, when we did reach the countryside, Ren and I had to live in an inn for a while as there were no free houses.
Besides those problems, there was Ren himself.
For two entire weeks, he didn't speak a single word, didn't make a single movement, didn't even acknowledge my presence.
It was heartbreaking.
For a while, I thought it might be too late.
I looked after him every day, making sure he ate, bathed and drank a decent amount.
Eventually, his body stopped looking as sickly.
He's still pale and thin, but it's an improvement.
But back to his mental state.
It took about two weeks for him to start talking again.
It was one day after I'd changed his clothes, he looked up at my face and said, "Freya?"
I had to hold back my tears.
It was at that moment that I finally realised what was going on with Ren.
It seems like, because of everything going on at the estate, he had started dissociating to cope.
And because of that, he didn't even realise that I had come back, or that we had left the estate.
Fortunately, after he realised it was me, he began improving rapidly.
He was able to eat and drink by himself, though he still asked for help with bathing.
If there was one thing I had to mention, it's that it seems like his codependence has increased since I last saw him.
Whenever I wasn't by his side, it seemed like Ren would get anxious or start panicking.
I'm not sure what to do about this… I should probably take him to a church at some point for a psychological evaluation…
But anyway, after Ren began improving, things started looking up.
We were able to find a house in a village for a reasonable price.
I helped the villagers hunt so there would be enough food for everyone.
And Ren has even started to have life in his eyes once more.
For four months' worth of time, it's not much, but that's for the better.
This is the life Ren deserves, a quiet, peaceful life where he can be himself without worry.
And it's a life I'm happy to live with him.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
3rd Day of the Sycamore Moon, Year 347.
We cooked stew together today.
Ren almost dropped the pot when it boiled over.
He looked so scared, I couldn't help laughing.
He pouted at me and said I was mean.
It made me happy.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
9th Day of the Sycamore Moon, Year 347.
Ren smiled properly for the first time.
Not that fake smile he used to wear at the estate.
A real one.
I almost ruined it by crying.
I'm pathetic.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
22nd Day of the Sycamore Moon, Year 347.
The villagers have started greeting Ren by name.
He still gets shy and hides behind me, but he doesn't flinch anymore.
Progress.
It's progress…
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
25th Day of the Sycamore Moon, Year 347.
I knew this day would come eventually.
This morning, a letter arrived.
I didn't even need to open it to know who it was from.
It was about time she reached out.
The letter she sent was her usual kind of letter, one that didn't say anything that could get her in trouble, but anyone with a brain could see the threatening nature.
The contents, ignoring all of the filler, basically told me that I had to complete a campaign. Otherwise, she would report my actions toward her and the rest of the family.
I was wondering why I had never heard anything about it until now, but the letter made everything clear.
She had intentionally covered it up so that she could use it against me in situations like this.
The worst part about it is that I can't even fight back.
My theory grades were low, and I never made any connections.
All I have is my strength.
And that is useless here.
Sure, I could go marching back to the estate and threaten her physically, but what happens to Ren if I do that? What happens if she's prepared? I know Mother is smart when it comes to politics, and that's what scares me.
So I have no choice. I have to accept. Only then will Ren be able to keep living this life.
I don't know how I'll tell him, but I'll have to do it soon.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
13th Day of the Kukui Sun, Year 347.
I left for my first mission today.
Ren's face keeps coming back to mind.
When I told him that I had to go fight for a couple of days, he cried for hours, clinging and begging me not to go.
I wanted to listen to him, but I couldn't.
I had no idea what Mother would do if I didn't.
So I left.
Ren will be fine. He might be fragile, but he can look after himself.
I've been watching over him for almost seven months now. I've seen him cook and clean, he's a smart kid…
I'm worried, though…
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
15th Day of the Kukui Sun, Year 347.
My mission is over.
I returned home this afternoon and saw Ren.
The dark circles under his eyes made it look like he hadn't slept since the moment I left.
I remember him hugging me the moment I stepped through the door.
He really is the cutest…
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
2nd Day of the Willow Sun, Year 347.
I was gone for five days this time.
When I came back, Ren tried to pretend he was fine.
He'd cleaned the house and cooked.
The food was burnt.
He lied and said he just lost track of time.
He's a terrible liar.
I praised him anyway.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
11th Day of the Fir Moon, Year 347.
Ren had a nightmare last night.
He clung to my clothes and wouldn't let go.
He kept apologising for something.
I couldn't make out the words, but I knew who caused this.
I hate them.
I hate all of them.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
28th Day of the Pine Moon, Year 347.
Today was the first time he met Ina.
Surprisingly, they got along better than I thought. When I asked what he thought of her, Ren said that since she was my friend, she had to be a good person.
He really makes it hard not to cry…
Ina left after only a few hours, but that made sense. She's a busy woman, unlike me.
I hope we can all see each other again someday.
He also laughed out loud today.
She joked that his laugh was weird, but…
I think it's the best sound in the world.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
Soren's vision blurred.
He set the back of his wrist against his eyes for a moment, then lowered it and kept going.
The entries continued like that for several pages.
Freya wrote about what they cooked, how Soren had started helping the neighbours with small tasks, how he had sat in the sun too long and burned his nose, how he had complained that he was "too old" to be doted on and then quietly sought her attention anyway.
And in between those small, bright things were thin lines of worry.
About campaigns.
About letters from Mother.
About political obligations, she couldn't refuse.
She always circled back to the same conclusion.
— I have no choice.
— As long as Ren can stay here, it's fine.
Soren bit his lip hard enough to taste iron.
'You really believed that, didn't you?'
That as long as he could stay in that village, as long as she kept dancing on the strings Sofia held, it would be "fine."
His fingers tightened around the diary.
The dates jumped again.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
19th Day of the Magnolia Moon, Year 348.
I received another letter from home today.
I don't want to write the contents down in here in case Ren ever finds this.
I don't know what to do.
They want me to set off on a mission in a couple of days.
Mother said it would be my final mission, then the campaign would finally be over.
I need some time to think.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
20th Day of the Magnolia Moon, Year 348.
I went to see Lulu today…
I haven't seen her since my third year, but she's grown so much, really, it's unbelievable that she's the same girl who used to shed tears so easily.
…
…I ended up breaking down in front of her.
With all of my emotion training, I had become fairly good at hiding my thoughts and negative emotions, but I couldn't stop myself today.
Lulu panicked when she saw it, but I didn't stop.
I ended up explaining what I could.
I avoided telling her what was in the letter, but I told her about my final mission, and I asked her for a favour.
Thankfully, she agreed. I don't know what I would've done if she didn't.
I need to talk to Ren tomorrow, then everything will be sorted.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
21st Day of the Magnolia Moon, Year 348.
That was harder than I expected…
It seems Ren has grown more than I thought.
I'd been treating him like a child for so long that it seems to have distorted my image of him.
I think he's been able to see through my acting for a while. He just goes along with it for me…
Anyway, I managed to ask him.
To see whether he would be okay going to Stellaris Academy.
I couldn't let him return home, not after the state I found him in last time…
He seemed hesitant at first. I knew his codependency was bad, but I had hoped that it would have improved over time.
That doesn't seem to be the case…
At least he agreed to think about it in the end.
As long as I can send him to Lulu, he'll be fine, he'll be safe.
I can trust Lulu.
I'm sorry, Ren.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
23rd Day of the Magnolia Moon, Year 348.
I'm writing an entry in the morning for once.
I couldn't sleep.
Today is the day of my final mission.
My head hurts.
I keep asking myself if this is really okay, if I should really listen to her, but what choice do I have?
…
I was reading through some of the early entries in this diary.
It's hard to believe I've kept this going for over a decade…
It's even harder to believe that I used to call Ren 'him' and think he was weird…
A lot has changed.
I can't even imagine a life without Ren in it anymore.
He's become more important to me than my own life.
I love him so much.
…
What should I do?
I don't want to leave him.
…
I'm scared.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
Soren's vision blurred again.
His throat tightened.
He forced himself to blink the tears away before they could fall and drip onto the page; he didn't want to stain the lines Freya had already soaked.
"More important than my own life, huh…" he whispered.
He had no idea what the letter had said.
No idea what exactly Sofia had demanded, what terms had been set, what threats had been made, but the fact that Freya, who had always been so careful with her emotions, had written "I'm scared" in this diary said enough.
He stared at that last line for a few breaths.
Then he turned the page.
There was no date on this one.
Just a few, scattered lines in uneven writing.
The ink was darker, as if it had been written quickly, pressing hard.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
…
I'm sorry…
I'm too weak.
I thought I was strong.
I really did.
I should have done more for you.
I should never have left you alone.
I should have just killed her.
She deserved to die.
She's a monster.
Soren…
I don't know if you will ever find this…
…
You probably won't, there's no way she wouldn't check my remains…
…
But still… on the off chance you do see this, remember this.
I loved you with all my heart.
I never forgot about you for a single day.
You are my world, my everything.
You are the reason I worked this hard.
…
And… If you can…
Please…
…
Be happy…
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
The handwriting cut off there.
No final dot.
No proper ending.
Just a line broken halfway through, as if the ink had finally run out or the hand holding the pen had been forced to stop.
Soren stared at the last words for a long time.
Be happy.
His chest felt tight enough that it was hard to breathe.
He didn't realise he had closed the diary until he heard the soft thud of the cover meeting the pages.
He sat with it in his lap, fingers pressed against the worn leather, and waited for his vision to steady.
The tears didn't come.
He realised, distantly, that they already had.
Somewhere between the entries of the countryside, the first campaign, and the final apology, the tears had burned themselves out.
What remained wasn't empty.
It wasn't numb.
It was something heavier.
Something hot and dense that sat in the centre of his chest and refused to move.
He drew in a breath.
Then another.
Each inhale felt like scraping something raw.
The room around him came back into focus slowly.
The clubroom's ceiling.
The faint hum of mana from the lights.
The muffled sounds of students moving somewhere far below.
He put the diary down on the sofa beside him and leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands folded loosely.
For a while, he just breathed.
Small, regular breaths at first.
Then deeper.
As if he were learning how to breathe all over again.
Freya's words looped in his head.
– I should have just killed her.
– She's a monster.
– You are my world.
– Please… be happy.
He let them cycle, again and again, until they settled into something sharp and clear.
"Monster, huh," he muttered.
He thought of Sofia.
The woman who had adopted a boy only to turn him into a tool.
The woman who had denied him a childhood, then locked him away and starved him of affection.
The woman who had held Freya's guilt and love on a chain and yanked whenever it suited her.
He thought of the servants who had mocked him.
The father, who had never once looked at him.
The sister who had turned her back on him.
The campaign.
The final mission.
The way Freya's last entry hadn't had a date.
His hands were steady when he opened them.
He looked down at his palms quietly.
In the past, anger had always come to him like fire.
The kind of rage that made him shout first and think later.
This time, it wasn't like that.
The heat in his chest wasn't flaring.
It wasn't burning him from the inside out.
It was condensing.
Sharpening.
Becoming something cold.
Something patient.
Something that could last.
Freya had spent over half her life thinking of him, worrying about him, fighting for him.
She had dragged him out of hell and tried to build a life where he could simply exist.
She had gone back onto the battlefield because she had no choice.
She had walked into a mission she knew might kill her.
And in the end, with her last strength, she had written that he should be happy.
Soren exhaled slowly.
"...That's not happening."
Not yet.
Not like this.
Not while the people who had twisted her life, who had cornered her into that last decision, still walked around in comfort.
He straightened his back.
His thoughts felt clearer than they had in a long time.
He wasn't shaking, his breathing was steady, and his heartbeat was calm, but under that calm, there was a line.
A single, simple conviction.
Sofia Arden would pay.
Not just her.
Every piece of that rotting structure that had eaten Freya's life would pay.
Not in some heroic, dramatic way.
Not in a sudden blaze.
He would take his time.
He would learn, grow, and sharpen every tool he had.
He would protect the life he had now, the friends who had pulled him back, the quiet days in the Sweetheart Society, the fragile peace he had been given.
He would honour Freya's wish to "be happy" in his own way.
And when he was ready, when he could make a move without throwing away everything she had died to give him…
He would ruin them.
The promise settled inside him like a weight that fit perfectly into place.
It didn't make the grief less.
It didn't erase the guilt.
But it gave the sorrow shape.
It gave the anger somewhere to go.
He reached out and picked the diary up again, fingers gentle on the cracked spine.
Then, with a controlled motion, he slid it back into his inventory.
The space in front of his ring finger rippled faintly as the book vanished.
He leaned back into the sofa and closed his eyes for a moment.
In the darkness behind his eyelids, the last line of Freya's diary glowed faintly.
– Please… be happy…
————「❤︎」————