Chapter 89 I want to make all the girls call me Daddy Deadpool!
"Bro, is your head made of Vibranium, or did you pay for VIP and turn on an infinite health cheat?"
Deadpool shook his gun in disbelief and leaned in closer to look at Lin Zhen's mask.
Lin Zhen rubbed the back of his head; his health bar hadn't recovered yet. How much health could one bottle of red potion restore anyway? This was a huge loss!
"Motherfucker, you dare to headshot me!" Lin Zhen was furious. He backhanded him with his frying pan, slamming it directly into Deadpool's face.
With a muffled "bang."
Deadpool spun around in place like a runaway top for three full rotations. The crisp sound of his nasal bone shattering was exceptionally clear in the empty warehouse.
"Oh, that feeling is amazing, it's even more intense than being rubbed into the ground by Colossus," Deadpool said, clutching his collapsed nose as blood streamed down through his fingers. Instead of getting angry, he started shouting excitedly, "This pan of yours is definitely a divine artifact; it must have armor penetration and stun effects, right? Quick, hit me again, hit my left cheek to make me symmetrical!"
Lin Zhen looked at this masochist, his mouth twitching wildly. This NPC's AI settings were definitely messed up; he acted more like a lunatic than Lin Zhen himself.
"You want the pan, huh? I'll grant your wish!" Lin Zhenpulled two blocks of C4 out of his crotch and unceremoniously slapped them onto Deadpool's chest. "Off you go!"
The heavy, powerful blow sent Deadpool flying.
The mercenaries had been stunned, watching these two spandex-clad freaks turn on each other.
Seeing a red and black figure fly toward them, they subconsciously pulled their triggers.
"Boom!"
The C4 detonated with a roar.
Fire shot into the sky, and severed limbs flew amidst the debris. Deadpool was blown into several pieces on the spot, his upper body landing with a "splat" right at Lin Zhen's feet.
"Cough, cough... Bro, that combo of yours is too vicious, but I like it."
Deadpool's severed torso was still talking, his intestines spilling all over the floor, yet he struggled to give a thumbs-up.
"This wave of AoE damage was maxed out. I'll give you a nine out of ten; I'm deducting one point because you didn't buy me an insurance policy."
Lin Zhen completely ignored him because the system notification sound was spamming his screen like crazy.
[Experience + 50]
[Experience + 50]
...
"Nice." Lin Zhen watched his rapidly increasing experience bar and leisurely pulled out a handful of caramel sunflower seeds to snack on.
More than half of the mercenaries in the warehouse had been blown to death. The remaining ones finally recovered from the ringing in their ears caused by the explosion, staring in terror at the half-dead Deadpool on the ground and the sunflower-seed-snacking Lin Zhen, their eyes looking as if they had seen a ghost.
"Monsters, they're Mutant monsters! Open fire, kill them!" the mercenary deputy Captain shrieked hysterically, his voice cracking.
A dense net of gunfire covered them again.
Lin Zhen was unhurried as he raised his frying pan.
Amidst the clinking and clanging, the bullets triggered the 100% Physical Reflection Mechanism, all of them flying back along their original paths.
The few mercenaries who had opened fire were instantly riddled with holes by their own bullets, falling straight to the ground.
"Don't steal my kills, leave a few for me!" Deadpool's upper body propped itself up with his hands, crawling forward like a zombie, wielding his gun and firing wildly at the mercenaries.
"Rat-tat-tat-tat..."
"Hahaha, feel my wrath! By the way, has anyone seen my lower half? My wallet is still in my pocket!"
Lin Zhen rolled his eyes and pulled a few high-explosive pumpkin bombs out of his crotch, tossing them down.
"Boom, boom, boom!"
A chain of explosions sent the remaining mercenaries flying, and the entire warehouse fell completely silent.
The battle ended in less than three minutes.
Lin Zhen landed and skillfully began looting the bodies.
"Poor, too poor. Are these guys from the Beggar Sect? They don't even have a single gold tooth." Lin Zhencomplained, stuffing several magazines, tactical flashlights, and a few broken watches into his crotch.
"Bro, your looting technique is so professional; you're like a seasoned scavenger."
The parts of Deadpool that had been blown off were constantly regenerating, and soon two legs grew back.
Those two legs were a bit small and seemed to still be growing; soon, a third leg popped out.
However, the size was indeed a bit small; if you didn't look at it with a magnifying glass, you probably wouldn't be able to see it clearly.
He didn't seem to care at all, crawling over to Lin Zhen's side.
"But how much stuff can your crotch actually hold? You aren't planning on stuffing the entire warehouse in there, are you?"
"This is called high-dimensional spatial folding technology; an NPC like you wouldn't understand." Lin Zhen walked to the end of the warehouse, where a heavy titanium alloy door stood.
"Whoa, the grand prize is here," Deadpool leaned in and knocked on the door with his knuckles. "This is a military-grade blast door. How do you plan to open it? Are you going to knock on it with your frying pan, or should I bash it with my head?"
Lin Zhen sneered, pulling out a few blocks of C4 and a bottle of strong acid reagent he had swiped from Oscorp.
"Watch closely, this is called the perfect combination of physics and chemistry."
Lin Zhen poured the strong acid into the hydraulic gap of the door lock. A pungent white smoke rose, and the titanium alloy surface was instantly corroded, creating a small pit. He stuffed the C4 into the pit.
"Stand back."
Lin Zhen pressed the detonator.
Boom!
The heavy door slowly collapsed, kicking up a sky full of dust.
Inside the door was a flash of golden light, a blinding golden light!
Deadpool's jaw almost hit the floor: "Good heavens, what am I seeing? This is practically heaven!"
In the vault, rows of shelves were piled high with gold bars, bundles of sequential U.S. dollar bills, and all kinds of precious jewelry and antique oil paintings.
Under Lin Zhen's mask, his eyes lit up.
"I'm rich, motherfucker, I'm really rich this time!" Lin Zhenrubbed his hands and rushed straight in.
He walked up to a pile of gold bars, waved his hand, and the gold bars vanished into thin air, entering his System Inventory.
"Collect!"
"Collect!"
"Collect it all for me!"
Wherever Lin Zhen went, nothing was left behind. Gold bars, U.S. dollars, jewelry, armor, and even the mahogany shelves holding the gold bars were not spared; he stuffed everything into his crotch.
Deadpool watched from the side, dumbfounded.
"Bro, what kind of magic is this? You stuffed them all into your... that place?" Deadpool swallowed hard, looking down at Lin Zhen's crotch. "Don't you feel heavy, or is that place of yours actually a black hole that can even suck in light?"
"Stop talking nonsense. I promised you ten percent, take it yourself." Lin Zhen pointed to a small pile of U.S. dollars left in the corner.
Deadpool cheered and lunged at the pile of U.S. dollars, stuffing them frantically into his spandex suit, not even forgetting to stuff a few bills under his mask.
"Fuck, I can't fit any more. Maybe I should develop other places."
Deadpool watched Lin Zhen frantically stuffing things into his crotch, thought for a moment, picked up a gold bar, and stuffed it in from the back.
"Oh... a little painful. Oh, this is so intense!"
"Hahaha, I'm going to buy a hundred, no, a thousand New Mexico burritos, and I'm going to rent out the entire Red-light district and make all the girls call me Daddy Deadpool!"
Chapter 90: Who Is That? Can He Drop Gold Coins Like You?
"Buddy, I think I've been a bit too greedy. That gold bar might be stuck in the bend of my rectum. Can you help me dig it out? I'll split it with you 50/50," Deadpool said, crossing his legs.
"Get lost." Lin Zhen pulled out a frying pan. "If you disgust me again, I'll smash you against the wall so hard you won't even be able to be scraped off."
Deadpool shrugged, and just as he was about to speak, the crisp sound of high heels clicking on the concrete floor suddenly echoed from outside the vault.
"Click, click, click."
Lin Zhen pulled up his System Inventory, and a massive red dot, so red it was almost purple, appeared on the radar.
"An elite monster is here." Lin Zhen's eyes lit up. He tucked the frying pan behind his waist and pulled out a handful of caramel sunflower seeds.
Outside the titanium alloy gate, three people walked in.
On both sides were Mutant bodyguards in black suits, and in the middle was a woman.
The woman was wearing a provocative white corset and cape, with blonde hair and blue eyes, exuding a cold and haughty aura.
"You dare to touch the vault of the Hellfire Club?" the White Queen Emma Frost said coldly, her voice seemingly capable of freezing the air.
Deadpool immediately raised his hands and wiggled his waist.
"Hi, beautiful. We're just lost sewer maintenance workers. By the way, where did you buy that outfit? Do you have a men's version? I want to buy one for my friend; he's a cross-dresser."
Lin Zhen glanced at Deadpool.
"Motherfucker, you're the one who's a cross-dresser."
Emma ignored Deadpool's trash talk, her eyes glowing with a faint blue light.
As one of the top telepaths on Earth, she was accustomed to directly destroying the will of her enemies.
An invisible mental wave surged toward the two of them like a tsunami.
Emma first invaded Deadpool's brain.
The next second, Emma's cold expression shattered instantly. She clutched her forehead, her face turning pale, a wave of nausea rolling in her stomach.
"What... what on Earth do you have in your brain?!" Emmashrieked.
What had she seen?
Countless Deadpools dancing striptease,
hundreds of New Mexico burritos flying in the sky,
and a purple-skinned brute fighting Deadpool over a skeleton woman in a black robe.
And a group of naked... men?
"Oh, you're so naughty, how did you get in here?" Deadpool said, shyly covering his face. "I knew that women nowadays like to enter a man's heart directly."
Emma gritted her teeth, severed the mental link with Deadpool, and turned to thrust her massive mental energy toward the man in the chicken mask next to him.
"Kneel for me!" Emma roared.
Lin Zhen didn't even stop cracking his sunflower seeds.
As soon as Emma's mental energy touched Lin Zhen's brain, an even more savage and unreasonable stream of information surged back along her mental connection.
"Motherfucker!"
"Black Widow bathing photo.jpg"
"Tell me loudly, who is the New York Ji Ba!"
"Motherfucker, I do whatever I want, whew! That feels good!"
Accompanied by the deafening system prompts and Lin Zhen's various bizarre rants, Emma felt as if her brain had been smashed by a heavy iron hammer. She staggered back, nearly falling over.
"What... what kind of monsters are you?!" Emma panted, a hint of panic finally appearing in her eyes.
"Why are you swearing, NPC?" Lin Zhen brushed the sunflower seed crumbs off his hands. "Mental attacks are ineffective against me. I suggest you switch to physical output, otherwise, this XP is going to be too easy for me to get."
Emma's face turned livid; she knew she had run into a tough opponent today.
"Kill them!" she ordered the two Mutant bodyguards beside her.
The two bodyguards roared, one bursting into flames, the other with hands transforming into sharp blades, pouncing on Lin Zhen from left and right.
"He's kill-stealing!" Deadpool shouted, drawing the dual swords from his back and charging forward.
Lin Zhen stood still, watching Emma.
Emma took a deep breath, and a strange change suddenly occurred on the surface of her body.
Starting from her fingertips, her skin, muscles, and bones instantly crystallized. In the blink of an eye, a living person turned into a dazzling, crystal-clear diamond statue.
This was her secondary ability, Diamond Form, which granted immunity to all physical and energy attacks while significantly increasing her strength.
Deadpool slashed his sword at the neck of the flaming Mutant, looked back, and said, "Whoa, buddy, she turned into a limited edition Swarovski piece. How much must that be worth!"
Lin Zhen was also stunned; he stared fixedly at Emma, who had turned into a diamond, his breathing quickening.
On the system panel, the red name above Emma's head had changed.
[Rare Elite BOSS: White Queen (Diamond Form)]
[Drop Estimate: Top-tier High-Density Diamond Material (Priceless)]
"Motherfucker..." Lin Zhen swallowed hard.
This wasn't a BOSS; this was a walking human gold mine!
After turning into her Diamond Form, Emma's confidence skyrocketed.
She sneered and walked toward Lin Zhen, her diamond high heels leaving deep cracks in the floor with every step.
"Now, let's see if you can still stop me."
Lin Zhen stuffed the frying pan back into his crotch.
"Buddy, why are you putting your weapon away? Are you planning to conquer her with your charm?" Deadpoolshouted while grappling with the two bodyguards.
"Using a frying pan against this kind of monster is a waste of resources." Lin Zhen rummaged frantically in his crotch.
The next second, he pulled out a massive, rumbling heavy-duty industrial chainsaw, then pulled out a mining pickaxe, and finally took out a large woven bag printed with snake-skin patterns.
Emma was stunned.
"What... what are you trying to do?" Emma's voice, in her Diamond Form, carried a metallic echo.
"What am I doing?" Lin Zhen started the chainsaw, the chain spinning wildly and emitting a harsh roar. "Obviously, I'm mining! You must have at least a few hundred carats on you; I'm going to make a fortune today!"
Lin Zhen turned into a streak of golden light, charging toward Emma with the chainsaw raised.
"Lunatic!" Emma swung her diamond arm, throwing a punch at Lin Zhen.
Lin Zhen dodged with a nimble slide, the chainsaw in his hand cutting into Emma's calf.
Zzzzz-zzzzz!
The Diamond Form was indeed hard; the chainsaw's teeth shattered and flew off instantly.
But with Lin Zhen's strength combined with the chainsaw's speed, he managed to cut a white mark into Emma's diamond calf.
"It's working!"
Lin Zhen's eyes lit up even more. He tossed aside the ruined chainsaw, swung the mining pickaxe with both hands, and slammed it hard against the white mark.
Clang!
With a loud crash, Emma was forced to one knee by the massive impact.
"You dare to mine me!" Emma was nearly driven mad with rage. As the dignified White Queen of the Hellfire Club, respected wherever she went, she was actually being hammered by someone with a pickaxe today!
She stood up abruptly and kicked Lin Zhen flying.
Lin Zhen did a flip in the air and landed steadily, his health bar dropping slightly.
He didn't care at all, pulled a bottle of red potion from his crotch, and downed it, his health bar instantly refilling.
"This monster's defense is too high; I need to use a special item." Lin Zhen rubbed his chin and thought.
He pulled up his System Inventory and locked his gaze on a corner.
That was a bottle of high-concentration corrosive liquid he had swiped from Norman Osborn's lab earlier, capable of melting even titanium alloy instantly.
"Beautiful, let me give you a full-body spa." Lin Zhenpulled out the glass bottle and smashed it hard at Emma.
Emma instinctively raised her arm to block it.
The glass bottle shattered, and the green liquid splashed all over her body.
Acrid white smoke rose up.
Although the Diamond Form was immune to most energy, this liquid, classified by the system as a "Special Chemical Agent," actually began to corrode the surface of her diamond, emitting a teeth-grinding dissolving sound.
"Ah!" Emma let out a painful scream; she felt her diamond body, which she was so proud of, starting to soften.
"Strike while the iron is hot!" Lin Zhen swung the pickaxe again, leaped high, and slammed it down hard onto Emma's shoulder.
"Crack."
A crisp snapping sound rang out.
A small piece of Emma's diamond shoulder armor was knocked off, clattering to the ground with a crisp sound.
Lin Zhen was quick-handed and grabbed that piece of diamond.
"I'm rich, I'm rich!" Lin Zhen was ecstatic, stuffed the diamond into his crotch, and turned to look at Emma with eyes that had completely changed—he was looking at a gold mine.
"Buddy, save one for me! I want to take it and set it on the hilt of my sword!" Deadpool had already finished off one bodyguard and was currently riding on the neck of the other flaming Mutant, shouting at Lin Zhen.
Emma was completely panicked.
Her defense, which she was so proud of, had been broken, and the opponent was treating her like an ATM.
She wanted to deactivate her Diamond Form to escape, but once she did, her fragile physical body would definitely be smashed by a pickaxe blow from this lunatic in the chicken mask.
"Stop! You damn robber!" Emma shouted while retreating. "I am from the Hellfire Club. If you dare touch me, Sebastian Shaw will not let you go!"
"Shaw?" Lin Zhen stopped in his tracks and shouldered the pickaxe.
Emma thought the other party was afraid and sneered, "That's right, if you know what's good for you..."
"Uh... who is that? Can he drop gold coins like you?"
Emma:...
Chapter 91: By the way, has your leg grown back yet?
"Can he drop gold coins?"
Lin Zhen's eyes lit up, and he raised his pickaxe high again.
"That's great. I was just worried the loot from this dungeon run wouldn't be enough. Hurry up and call him over; I'll mine him too."
The pickaxe fell, slamming hard into Emma's back.
With a "crack," another walnut-sized diamond was knocked off.
"Eighty!" Lin Zhen shouted, catching the diamond and stuffing it into his crotch, then raised the pickaxe again. "Eighty! Eighty!"
Emma shivered in pain. Although her diamond form was immune to physical pain, the terror of having her body literally smashed apart made her nearly break down.
"Stop! I'll pay!" Emma screamed. The diamond luster on her body surface faded rapidly, restoring her fair and hot body.
Lin Zhen's pickaxe stopped in mid-air, his eyes wide behind the mask. "Motherfucker, where's my ore? Why did you change back? Hurry up and change back; I haven't finished mining yet!"
Emma slumped to the ground, gasping for air. The white corset she wore had been corroded into tatters by the strong acid, revealing a large expanse of skin.
She gritted her teeth, attempting a final counterattack with her mental powers while striking a pitiful pose. "As long as you let me go, the wealth of the Hellfire Club, or even me..."
"Bang!"
A dull thud interrupted Emma's spell-casting wind-up.
Lin Zhen had already swapped the pickaxe in his hand for a dark frying pan, slamming it solidly against Emma's delicate face.
Emma rolled her eyes and promptly passed out.
"Pah, an NPC trying to seduce a player? How shameless. Am I the kind of person who would give up loot for beauty?" Lin Zhen squatted down skillfully and began searching Emma.
"Buddy, I give your 'destined to be single' move a perfect score!"
Deadpool pulled up his pants and shuffled over.
"But your looting technique is a bit lewd. Are you looking for gear or just taking advantage of her?"
"Cut the crap. This woman is covered in good stuff."
Lin Zhen ripped the diamond necklace from Emma's neck, followed by her earrings, rings, and even didn't spare the diamond-encrusted high heels on her feet, stuffing everything into his crotch.
Just as Lin Zhen was about to strip off Emma's tattered corset to see if there were any hidden pockets, a dull sound of footsteps suddenly came from outside the underground vault.
"Boom!"
The titanium alloy door of the vault, which had already been blown up, was completely ripped off by a massive force and slammed heavily against the wall.
A middle-aged man in a vintage suit with a middle-part hairstyle walked in.
His gaze swept over the empty vault and landed on Emma, who was lying on the ground, his expression instantly darkening to the extreme.
"Who dares to run wild on the Hellfire Club's turf?" Sebastian Shaw's voice was deep, carrying an unquestionable majesty.
Lin Zhen pulled up the system panel.
[Elite BOSS: Black Emperor (Sebastian Shaw)]
[Status: Extremely Angry]
[Estimated Drops: Massive EXP, Rare Energy Core]
"A big client is here." Lin Zhen clapped his hands, stood up, and tucked the frying pan into his waistband.
Deadpool drew his dual blades and blocked in front of Lin Zhen. "Buddy, this old guy looks like trouble. That suit he's wearing is a limited edition Armani; I bet he's a rich guy."
"Fire." Shaw couldn't even be bothered to talk nonsense; he waved his hand at the few Mutant subordinates behind him.
The few Mutants immediately activated their abilities, and flames, ice spikes, and energy beams rained down on the two of them.
Lin Zhen was unhurried; he pulled a few high-explosive pumpkin bombs from his crotch, pulled the pins, and threw them over.
"Boom, boom, boom!"
A violent explosion erupted at the vault entrance, and the firelight engulfed those few Mutants.
Lin Zhen was just about to step forward to loot the bodies, but discovered that after the smoke cleared, Sebastian Shaw was standing in place, completely unharmed.
Not only that, but there seemed to be an invisible force field on the surface of Shaw's body; the Shockwave and thermal energy generated by the explosion had all been absorbed into his body.
Shaw took a deep breath, an expression of enjoyment on his face. "Is that all the energy? It's not even enough to warm me up."
"Buddy, this old guy is a battery; he ate your bombs for lunch." Deadpool raised his golden Desert Eagle and fired three shots at Shaw's head.
The bullets hit Shaw's forehead but didn't penetrate; instead, they stalled as if stuck in a quagmire. Then, the kinetic energy carried by the bullets was instantly absorbed by Shaw, and the bullet heads fell to the ground with a "clink."
Shaw sneered, raised his hand, gathered the previously absorbed explosion energy and bullet kinetic energy into his fist, and punched out into the air.
A visible Shockwave roared out, blasting Deadpool away, slamming him hard against the wall, embedding him into the concrete.
"Motherfucker, physical immunity plus energy absorption? This BOSS is cheating." Lin Zhen raised an eyebrow.
Shaw took a step, walking toward Lin Zhen step by step. "Now it's your turn, masked clown."
Lin Zhen pulled out the frying pan and rushed toward Shaw.
"Seeking death." Shaw didn't dodge or evade, letting the frying pan slam into his shoulder.
He prepared to absorb the kinetic energy of this strike just like he absorbed the bullets, then backhand this reckless brat into shreds.
However, the moment the frying pan touched Shaw's shoulder, a sudden change occurred.
The frying pan's "100% physical rebound" mechanism triggered, while Shaw's ability was "absorbing all physical kinetic energy."
These two absolute rules caused a serious logical conflict at this moment.
Hum! A harsh explosion sounded in the air.
Shaw's expression changed drastically. He felt a bizarre force that couldn't be absorbed rebound along the frying pan, directly ignoring his ability and slamming hard into his internal organs.
"Pfft!" Shaw spat out a mouthful of blood violently, flying backward like a kite with a broken string, rolling on the ground a dozen times before stopping.
Lin Zhen was also shaken by the reaction force, his hand numb, and the frying pan nearly slipped from his grip.
"Motherfucker, what kind of crappy game engine is this? It almost glitched and crashed on me." Lin Zhen shook his hand, looking at Shaw lying on the ground. "Looks like conventional physical attacks are a bit tough against this guy; I need to change tactics."
Shaw clutched his chest and struggled to stand up, his eyes full of disbelief. "What kind of weapon is this? It actually managed to hurt me!"
"Your daddy here specializes in curing all kinds of fancy tricks." Lin Zhen stuffed the frying pan back into his crotch and rummaged inside.
Shaw didn't dare to be careless anymore. He roared and began to crazily absorb the thermal and kinetic energy from the surrounding environment. His body gradually expanded, muscles bulged high, and even a red glow appeared on the surface of his skin.
"I will burn you to ashes!" Shaw roared as he rushed toward Lin Zhen, his fist carrying destructive energy.
Lin Zhen finally pulled something out of his crotch.
It was a moldy pancake covered in green fuzz, emitting a pungent, sour, stinking odor.
"Taste this, authentic biochemical weapon." Lin Zhenperformed a slide to dodge Shaw's heavy punch, and took the opportunity to slam the moldy pancake into Shaw's wide-open mouth.
Shaw was about to roar, but caught off guard, he was stuffed with a mouthful of moldy pancake and subconsciously swallowed it.
Ugh! An indescribable stench instantly rushed to his brain, and Shaw's movements suddenly froze.
The [Moldy Pancake] produced by the system came with potent hallucination and gastrointestinal perforation effects.
Shaw's ability could absorb physical and energy attacks, but it had no resistance against this kind of biochemical attack that acted directly on the digestive and nervous systems.
The next second, Shaw's eyes became unfocused, and he began to scratch his neck frantically, as if he had seen something extremely terrifying.
"Don't come over, Magneto, you damn bastard, take that coin away!" Shaw swung his fists wildly at the air, and the energy accumulated in his body began to shoot out uncontrollably.
The vault walls were riddled with holes by the energy beams.
Lin Zhen had long since hidden behind the wall where Deadpool was embedded, eating melon seeds while watching the show.
"Buddy, what did you feed him? Why did he start dancing like a shaman?" Deadpool pulled himself out of the wall, rubbing his broken ribs as he came over.
"Advanced control item. You wouldn't understand even if I told you." Lin Zhen spat out a melon seed shell.
Shaw went crazy in the vault for a full five minutes, and the energy in his body finally went completely out of control.
With a dull "boom," Shaw's body couldn't withstand the rampaging energy and exploded from the inside, turning into a pile of charred remains.
The system notification sound rang wildly.
[Killed Elite BOSS: Black Emperor (Sebastian Shaw)]
[EXP + 8000]
[Points + 50]
[Obtained Special Drop: Kinetic Energy Absorption and Conversion Core × 1]
"Awesome!" Lin Zhen slapped his thigh and rushed out to start looting the body.
Although Shaw had been blown into charred remains, Lin Zhen still managed to rummage a blue-glowing energy core and a ring embedded with a ruby out of the ashes.
"This ring looks quite valuable; it's mine." Lin Zhen stuffed all the loot into his crotch.
Deadpool watched from the side, envious. "Buddy, what about the agreed-upon split of the loot? You can't hog it all. I put in a lot of effort; I took a punch from that old guy, and three of my ribs are broken!"
Lin Zhen curled his lip, pulled a handful of cash he had randomly grabbed from that pile of U.S. dollars earlier—about a few thousand—out of his crotch, and threw it to Deadpool.
"Take it to buy your New Mexico burritos. The rest counts as the medical fees you owe me. I still haven't settled the score with you for using me as a human shield earlier."
Deadpool caught the money and counted it. Although it was far less than the 10% he had expected, it was better than nothing.
"Fine, remember to call me next time you have a job like this; I'll give you a 2% discount." Deadpool stuffed the money into his bodysuit.
"Buddy, are you busy later? Why not stay and go to the Red-light district with me to celebrate? I know a girl in the Red-light district who has excellent skills." Deadpoolshouted with a sleazy grin.
Lin Zhen's eyes lit up. Since he had made money, of course he had to relax—maybe get a foot massage, or a full-body spa treatment.
"Good brother, let's go! But let's agree first, I'm going first later!"
"By the way, what about that woman? She doesn't seem to be dead yet. How about we while it's still warm..." Deadpool said.
Lin Zhen rolled his eyes at Deadpool, looking down at Deadpool's crotch.
"By the way, has your third leg grown back yet?"
Chapter 92: I... Can I cancel my appointment?
Deadpool looked down at his "third leg" that had just grown out less than a centimeter.
"Hey buddy, this thing can expand. Just find a beauty to stimulate it, and you'll be done!"
Lin Zhen:???
Seriously, can this actually pass censorship?
"Alright, let's go. My big blade is already thirsty and impatient!" Deadpool said.
"Wait." Lin Zhen stopped in his tracks.
"What's wrong? Changed your mind?"
"By the way, doesn't that gold bar in your butt chafe when you walk?"
"I'm used to it. Do you want to try?"
"Get lost!"
The two walked along the pier towards Manhattan. Deadpool hummed an off-key song in front, spinning around halfway through and nearly tripping over a fire hydrant.
"Is your movement in the late stages of Parkinson's?" Lin Zhen followed behind with his hands in his pockets.
"This is called artistic expression. You wouldn't understand." Deadpool turned back and made a heart gesture.
The Red-light district was in the east of Lower Manhattan; the two walked for twenty minutes.
Pink neon lights glowed on both sides of the street, and the air was filled with the mixed scent of cheap perfume and alcohol.
Women dressed in revealing clothes stood at the doorways smoking and chatting. Seeing Deadpool's red and black spandex suit, they all cast curious glances.
"Hi, ladies." Deadpool waved at them.
A blonde woman whistled and asked quietly, "Brother, want to come play?"
"Play? Of course I want to play, but I have high standards." Deadpool pulled a banana out of his crotch and handed it to the woman. "I need to conduct an interview before we play."
The woman took the banana and peeled off the skin layer by layer.
"Oh, right, professional technique!" Deadpool commented.
Then, he saw the woman bite off the banana in one go.
"Hiss~ That's too brutal!" Deadpool took a deep breath. "But I like it. Come on, let's go into the room and bite hard! If you bite it off, I'll pay you extra!"
As he said this, Deadpool hugged the woman and walked into the alley.
Lin Zhen:???
What the hell kind of move is this?!
How come he couldn't understand it at all!
Exaggerated shouts from Deadpool came from the alley.
"Oh baby, your teeth are so sharp!"
Lin Zhen stood at the entrance of the alley with his hands in his pockets, his face under the chicken mask already questioning life.
Three minutes. From entering to finishing, three minutes.
"Buddy, why aren't you coming in? There's a double room inside!" Deadpool's voice came from deep in the alley, accompanied by the sound of a zipper.
"You come out first." Lin Zhen didn't even turn his head.
Deadpool bounded out of the alley, his red and black spandex suit covered in a few lipstick marks, looking refreshed. "Let me tell you, that girl is very professional. Her teeth are good enough to crack walnuts."
"You call that professional?"
"To each their own." Deadpool patted Lin Zhen on the shoulder. "Come on, my treat. Tonight's expenses are all on me. Anyway, that gold bar in my butt is enough to last a while."
Just as Lin Zhen was about to refuse, Deadpool had already wrapped his arm around his shoulder and was walking towards the center of the street.
Pink neon lights dyed the whole street in an ambiguous hue. On both sides of the storefronts stood all kinds of women—blonde, brunette, redhead—wearing everything from lingerie to evening gowns.
Deadpool stopped in front of a shop with a sign hanging over the door that read "Supreme Royal SPA." "This is the one. I've done my research; it's rated 4.8 stars."
"What kind of research did you do?"
"Everyone says this isn't authentic!"
Deadpool pushed open the glass door covered in pink rhinestones, and a wave of fragrance rushed towards them.
A fat woman wearing "death Barbie pink" lipstick sat at the front desk, cracking melon seeds.
"What kind of service do you two handsome guys want?" The fat woman spat the melon seed shells into an empty milk tea cup without even raising her head.
"Imperial package, double room." Deadpool slapped a stack of cash on the counter.
The fat woman looked up and scanned Deadpool's red and black spandex suit, then looked at the center-parted chicken mask on Lin Zhen's face, her expression completely indifferent.
"The package is two hundred per person for two hours, including full-body oil massage, foot massage, and head massage. We're out of double rooms. Pick between room 3 or room 5."
"No double room?!"
"Fine, open them up." Lin Zhen grabbed the conversation and casually took the bag of melon seeds from the fat woman.
The fat woman glared at him.
"That's mine."
"Now it's mine." Lin Zhen had already grabbed a handful and stuffed it into his mouth, speaking vaguely.
The fat woman rolled her eyes and tossed out two pairs of slippers.
The two changed into slippers and walked inside. The walls on both sides of the corridor were covered in price lists, and the lights were dim and yellow.
The door to room 5 was open. Lin Zhen walked in and scanned the room: a massage bed, a sink, and an old-fashioned CD player in the corner looping a saxophone version of "Delay No More."
"It'll do." Lin Zhen put the frying pan on the nightstand and lay face down on the massage bed.
The door was pushed open, and a Southeast Asian-looking female technician entered, wearing a white uniform and carrying a basket of essential oil bottles.
"Hello sir, my name is NANA, I will be serving you today."
"Just call me New York Ji Ba. Don't touch my face." Lin Zhen buried his head in the pillow.
NANA didn't understand this English name, nor did she ask further. She poured the essential oil, rubbed it warm, and pushed it onto his back. Her technique was decent.
Very satisfying.
A howl suddenly exploded from next door.
"Oh! Yes, yes, yes, that's the spot! Harder! Harder! Oh, BABY!"
Lin Zhen pulled his face out of the pillow.
The whole corridor could hear it. NANA's hand movements stopped, her expression very subtle.
"Is he usually like this?"
"It's normal. Ignore him."
Lin Zhen buried his face back into the pillow. The shouting next door rose and fell, interspersed with the female technician's laughter and the sound of the wall being repeatedly struck.
Five minutes later, it was quiet next door. Thirty seconds later, Deadpool's voice rang through the corridor again, this time with a crying tone.
"No, you pushed my spine crooked. Push it to the left, yes, yes, yes, oh, that's comfortable!"
Lin Zhen dialed a call over, expressionless.
It rang three times on the other end before connecting.
"What? I'm enjoying myself!"
"Can you shut up?"
"No! This is my respect for the massage industry!"
The call hung up.
Lin Zhen put down his phone.
NANA's technique was indeed good. From shoulders to waist to thighs, the rhythm control was appropriate, and Lin Zhen was almost asleep.
This NPC's skills weren't bad, eight streets better than that place in Queens last time.
That Thai lady's elbow strikes on his back were like slaughtering a pig. The bruises hadn't faded the next day, and he had screenshotted them as a side-effect Debuff and posted them on the forum to complain.
"Sir, the back is finished. Turn over for the front." NANA patted his shoulder.
Lin Zhen turned over and lay facing the ceiling.
The chicken mask was exposed. NANA didn't take an extra look throughout the whole process; her professional conduct was excellent.
Lin Zhen half-closed his eyes, already calculating the net profit of this dungeon run: the experience and diamonds dropped by the Black Emperor, the cash from the vault, plus the few thousand dollars Deadpool shared. This trip out was a huge profit.
When NANA pressed on the front of his thighs, she slowed down the rhythm and looked at Lin Zhen, hesitating to speak.
"If you have something to say, just say it. NPCs don't charge you for dialogue fees." Lin Zhen said with his eyes closed.
"Sir, you have fifteen minutes left on your package, and I've used up all my techniques on this side." NANA lowered her voice. "Do you want to add more time? Our shop has upgrade projects, the deep relaxation kind, with more precise techniques."
Lin Zhen opened his eyes, instantly interested.
"What kind of projects? Let's hear it."
NANA took out a laminated price card from her uniform pocket, with a few lines printed on it: Supreme Essential Oil Deep Care, Thai Ancient Stretching, Royal Special Bone Relaxation.
"This looks very normal. Are there any abnormal projects?"
"Ahem, yes, as long as it's here, we have 98, 128, 488."
"Divided so specifically? Let's try the 98 one first!"
Upon hearing this, NANA retreated. Soon, a woman with a graceful figure walked in.
"Hello, boss!"
Lin Zhen's eyes went straight.
"Is the 98 one already at this level?"
He slapped his thigh and shouted excitedly.
"Hey you, I don't want you anymore. It's not that you aren't good enough, it's that I deserve better. Call that 488 one over here!!! I'm adding ten hours of time!"
The woman retreated upon hearing this, presumably to call the 488 girl.
"This is too conscientious! 98 is already this pretty, wouldn't 488 be comparable to Black Widow?!"
Just as Lin Zhen was fantasizing about the 488 girl.
The floor at the doorway suddenly trembled.
A woman with a face full of flab squeezed her way in.
"Who ordered my time?! After so many days, I've finally got a customer!"
Lin Zhen:???
"No, you are the 488?"
"What's wrong? 488 pounds, not a pound less, solid as a rock! Come on, boss, lie down obediently and take off your pants! I'll do the moving!"
Lin Zhen: "I... can I cancel my appointment...?"
Chapter 93: Alright, Director! You sure have a good eye for people!
"Refund? What refund?"
The 488-pound woman blocked the door.
"Boss, once you've booked the time, you have to finish the service. That's the rule!" She cracked her neck, her joints popping audibly. "Besides, I'm in great shape today. I guarantee you'll be satisfied."
Lin Zhen sat on the massage table, his face pale beneath his mask.
"Sister, let's negotiate. Can I pay extra?"
"Extra money won't get you a refund. I haven't had a customer in three months."
"How about... a discount?"
"Enough nonsense. Lie down."
Just as Lin Zhen was about to activate his teleportation to run away, the door was kicked open from the outside.
Deadpool was wearing his red and black spandex suit, with a lipstick mark still on his mask, holding a cup of tea, leaning against the door frame with a satisfied look on his face.
"Yo, brother, what's going on here?"
"Get me out of here, fast!" Lin Zhen said hurriedly.
Deadpool didn't move; instead, he tilted his head to size up the 488-pound woman blocking the door and let out a whistle.
"Whoa, good heavens. With that build, she's gotta be boss-level, right?"
"Shut up!"
"No, seriously, brother, what were you thinking?" Deadpoolwalked over to the bed with his tea, sat down, and crossed his legs. "The girl next door to me, twenty-three, UC graduate, looks like a younger version of the Empress. Let me tell you, that waist, that grip..."
"Can you please stop talking?"
"After she finished my shoulders, she did my waist, then my legs, and finally gave me a head massage. She even helped me eat a banana. I felt completely transcended, like my soul was leaving my body. I'm telling you, I almost thought I went to see God!"
"Then I heard you howling next door, so I came to check it out, and I didn't expect..." He looked back at the 488-pound woman. "You actually pulled the hidden BOSS? I'm so jealous!"
"Jealous my ass! If you like her so much, she's all yours!"
"Jealous, really jealous!" Deadpool slapped his thigh. "With your kind of luck, in a gacha game, you'd at least be the type to have your pity pull go wrong."
The 488-pound woman grew impatient and slapped the massage table, causing the legs of the table to groan under the unbearable weight.
"Are you two doing this or not? If not, I'm leaving, but I'm charging a ten-fold service fee!"
"Deal!" Lin Zhen replied at light speed.
"No way!" Deadpool blocked her. "He has to finish this session. My brother has been under a lot of pressure lately and needs deep relaxation."
Lin Zhen:???
"Motherf***er, you have the nerve to call yourself my brother?"
Deadpool, holding his teacup and sitting on the massage table with his legs crossed, pointed at the 488-pound female masseuse blocking the door and said, "Brother, it's a waste of talent if you don't buy a lottery ticket with this kind of luck. If I were you, I'd just close my eyes and enjoy this epic sense of being crushed. This is a heavyweight contestant; the experience is maxed out!"
Lin Zhen grabbed a pillow and threw it at him: "Motherf***er, if you like it so much, you do it!"
Deadpool caught the pillow and sniffed the scent of essential oil on it: "I can't. I already finished my business next door, and now I've entered sage mode and need to rest. You're different; you're full of energy and just happen to need this lady to help clear your meridians."
The female masseuse put her hands on her hips, her flesh wobbling and making the floor vibrate with a low hum: "Have you two bosses decided yet? My time is very valuable!"
Lin Zhen jumped off the massage table, grabbed Deadpoolby his collar, and dragged him in front of the masseuse: "Sister, if I can't swap, then adding someone should be fine, right? This guy in the red and black suit really appreciates your build. He's willing to take this 488 package for me, and I'll pay double the fee!"
The masseuse looked Deadpool over and clapped her hands: "A double package? That'll cost extra. Give me another five hundred!"
Lin Zhen reached into his pants, pulled out a wad of crumpled U.S. dollars, and slapped them on the table: "One thousand. Keep the change. Take good care of him for me!"
Deadpool's eyes widened, and he gripped the door frame with both hands: "Hey brother, you're for real? I really can't do it. My third leg only just grew back a centimeter; it can't handle this kind of heavy-duty grinding. It'll break!"
Lin Zhen raised his foot and kicked Deadpool in the butt: "If it breaks, it'll grow back. You can't die anyway, just treat it like grinding for a passive skill!"
The masseuse yanked Deadpool into her embrace, her thick arms wrapping around his neck, and let out a booming laugh: "Little Red, today Sister will show you what a Mount Tai crush feels like!"
Deadpool screamed: "My spine! She's strangling my neck! Help me, brother! This woman is stronger than Colossus! I'm running out of air!"
Lin Zhen naturally ignored Deadpool's cries for help, grabbed the frying pan, swiped the essential oil bottle from the table, stuffed it into his pants, and activated his teleportation skill.
A white light flashed.
Lin Zhen dropped onto a large solid wood conference table.
He crushed a pile of documents and knocked over three cups of coffee.
Nick Fury sat at the head of the table, his single eye wide open, his pen frozen in mid-air.
Along both sides of the long conference table sat Natasha, Coulson, and several high-ranking Agents in suits.
Lin Zhen was wearing his center-parted chicken mask, still dressed in the loose bathhouse robe, clutching the frying pan, lying prone on the table.
Fury took a deep breath and gritted his teeth as he spoke: "Lin Zhen, can you explain why you are wearing that outfit and crashing onto my table? And what is that essential oil in your hand for?"
Lin Zhen climbed up, brushed the coffee stains off his robe, and stuffed the oil bottle into his pants: "Need you ask? It's for a high-end massage! Director, I was executing a deep-cover reconnaissance mission, just wiped out a vault, and nearly died a hero's death. You need to reimburse my work injury and, while you're at it, settle the mission rewards."
Fury slammed the table and stood up: "I didn't assign you any mission! Where have you gone to stir up trouble again!"
Lin Zhen pulled up a chair and sat down, propping his legs up on the conference table: "It was on the way. Those were wild mobs; might as well farm them. Enough nonsense. You're holding a meeting in the middle of the night—what kind of crazy scheme is it this time?"
Fury sat back in his chair and pulled up a holographic projection.
The projection displayed a map of New York City, with several red dots moving rapidly across it.
Natasha tapped on the keyboard: "Half an hour ago, a secret warehouse belonging to Oscorp was attacked. Surveillance captured a few masked militants. They stole a batch of high-energy explosives and unfinished bio-enhancement Agents. The police failed to intercept them; the opposing side had extremely heavy firepower."
Lin Zhen chewed on a donut and asked indistinctly: "I already cleaned out Oscorp. Where did they get high-energy explosives?"
Coulson handed over a document: "This is a backup base left behind by Norman Osborn. After Harry Osborn took over the company, he was in the process of auditing these assets. This batch of explosives is extremely powerful, enough to flatten half of Manhattan."
Fury stared at Lin Zhen: "We need you to retrieve these explosives. We cannot let them be detonated in New York City."
Lin Zhen:???
"Me again?!"
"You didn't call me when you held the meeting, but now that there's trouble, you remember me?!"
"Am I the kind of person you can just boss around like this?!"
Fury coughed: "Fifty thousand!"
"Alright, Director! You sure have a good eye for people!"
Chapter 94: Got It, I'll Send the Bomb Over Immediately!
"First things first, the explosives are mine. Also, S.H.I.E.L.D.is reimbursing me for my work-related injury on this trip."
"What work-related injury?"
"My clothes got stained with your coffee; that's all evidence of a work-related injury." Lin Zhen tugged at the hem of his bathrobe. "Should I take it off now and let you smell it?"
Fury closed his one eye and took a deep breath.
Natasha zoomed in on the holographic projection; three red dots were stationary near an abandoned warehouse in Flushing, Queens.
"There are six robbers in total, armed with modified pulse rifles, two bulletproof SUVs. Fifteen minutes ago, they raided Oscorp's seventh backup warehouse and stole twelve high-energy compressed explosives and four unfinished bio-enhancement serums."
Lin Zhen's eyes lit up: "Bio-enhancement serums? What are their properties?"
"Experimental products left behind by Norman Osborn. After injection, strength increases by 300% to 500% for a short time, but the side effects are schizophrenia and organ failure." Coulson pulled up the data. "Human testing hasn't been completed yet."
"Isn't that the serum I stole… uh… took last time?" Lin Zhenpulled a glowing orange test tube out of his crotch and shook it. "I have some too!"
Fury slammed the table: "Put that thing away! The problem right now is the explosives!"
Lin Zhen stuffed the test tube back into his crotch and grabbed the coffee in front of Coulson, downing it in one gulp: "Send me the address. I'll get it done in ten minutes. Remember to transfer fifty thousand dollars to my card; I don't accept checks."
Natasha asked: "Do you need support?"
"What kind of support? They're just a few mobs. I can clear the field with one AOE." Lin Zhen activated map teleportation, and a white light flashed.
Coulson looked at the empty chair: "He didn't even ask what special abilities the robbers have. These guys aren't pushovers!"
Fury looked expressionless: "He didn't ask because he simply doesn't care."
...
Flushing, Queens, abandoned cold chain warehouse.
[Side Mission: Recover High-Energy Explosives] Kill or subdue the robbers, recover 12 high-energy compressed explosives. Reward: EXP +3000, Points +15.
Lin Zhen scanned the perimeter of the warehouse. Two bulletproof SUVs were parked at the entrance, engines running, with a masked militant wearing a skull mask sitting in each driver's seat.
"Clear the mobs first."
Lin Zhen pulled a blue-grade high-explosive pumpkin bomb out of his crotch and weighed it in his hand.
The pumpkin bomb flew out of his hand, tracing a parabola and landing precisely in the half-open window of the first SUV.
BOOM!
The SUV was flipped on the spot, and shrapnel riddled the car body like a sieve.
The robber in the driver's seat was blown out, his HP bar emptied.
As the robber in the other SUV pushed open the car door, Lin Zhen had already slid over to the car door and smashed his frying pan squarely onto the man's mask.
"EXP +50, dropped $32 in cash."
After looting the corpse, Lin Zhen stuffed the thirty-two dollars into his bathrobe pocket with disdain: "How can you be poor enough to rob people?"
Rapid footsteps and the sound of firearms being cocked came from inside the warehouse.
Lin Zhen stood up, shouldered his frying pan, walked to the rusted iron door of the warehouse, and kicked it open.
"Listen up, people inside!" He raised a megaphone. "You have been surrounded by the Federal Chicken Head Administration's Senior Inspector, New York Ji Ba. Drop your weapons and hand over the explosives, and I might consider not confiscating your underwear!"
The warehouse went silent for two seconds, then four modified pulse rifles opened fire simultaneously.
Lin Zhen raised his frying pan, triggering the 100% physical defense mechanism, and all the energy beams were deflected back.
The two robbers in the front row were hit in the chest by their own bullets and fell to the ground screaming.
Lin Zhen strode forward, blocking left and right with the frying pan. The deflected energy beams shattered the chandeliers on the warehouse ceiling, and broken glass rained down.
"Wasting my time." Lin Zhen pulled a moldy pancake out of his crotch and threw it at the remaining two robbers.
The pancake split into two in mid-air, sticking precisely onto the faces of the two men.
The two robbers suddenly started screaming. One dropped his gun and hugged the cargo rack next to him, kissing it wildly: "Mary! Mary, why are you here! I really didn't cheat!"
The other squatted on the ground, holding his head with both hands: "Baka yarou, Taijun, I'm a good citizen, a very good citizen!"
Lin Zhen walked over, knocked them out with one whack of the frying pan each, and started looting the corpses.
Modified pulse rifle ×2, high-energy magazine ×6, fragmentation grenade ×4, cash $287, one Rolex watch.
Lin Zhen compared the Rolex to his wrist: "Damn, it's a fake. The luminous markers aren't even aligned."
Lin Zhen walked to the back of the warehouse, where twelve silver-cased high-energy compressed explosives were stacked in wooden crates.
Lin Zhen reached out and touched them, and the system popped up an appraisal panel:
[High-Energy Compressed Explosive (Blue Excellent) ×12] Unfinished product from Oscorp. The explosive equivalent of a single block is 500kg of TNT, which can be increased by connecting them in series. Note: Even you will be afraid if this thing explodes.
"Good stuff." Lin Zhen stuffed all twelve explosives into his System Inventory.
"Not bad, barely broke even."
He kicked open the back door of the warehouse and was about to teleport back to S.H.I.E.L.D. to report when the communicator in his crotch suddenly vibrated.
Fury's voice came through: "Lin Zhen! That batch of explosives has a timed fuse. It was already activated when the Oscorp warehouse was raided. You need to hurry..."
BOOM!
The blast shockwave from the warehouse sent Lin Zhenflying. He did three somersaults in mid-air and crashed headfirst into a pile of trash by the side of the road.
HP bar dropped by 45%.
Lin Zhen crawled out of the trash pile, wearing a banana peel, and looked back. The abandoned warehouse was gone, leaving only a twenty-meter-deep crater in its place.
"...Motherfucker?"
He looked down at his crotch.
The System Inventory interface popped up, and the icon for the twelve high-energy compressed explosives was flashing red frantically, with a countdown next to it: 00:03:42.
"This thing is a timed bomb?!"
System prompt: [Timer is irreversible, please handle before the countdown ends]
Lin Zhen: "Why didn't you say so just now?!"
[You didn't ask]
Lin Zhen took a deep breath, grabbed the communicator, and dialed Fury: "Director, there's a small problem. The batch of explosives is in my crotch, and it will explode in three minutes. The equivalent is about six thousand tons of TNT. Can you help me calculate the kill radius?"
There was silence on the other end of the communicator for three seconds.
"Where are you."
"Flushing, Queens, next to a gas station."
"...Can you take this thing to an uninhabited area?"
"Got it, I'm coming immediately!"
As he spoke, a white light flashed.
Lin Zhen's figure appeared in front of Nick Fury.
And in his crotch, it was still beeping.
Fury:???
"Motherfucker?!"
Chapter 95: Save This City!
"Did you f***ing teleport onto my face?!"
Nick Fury sprang up from the main seat, his one eye glaring at Lin Zhen's crotch.
Lin Zhen stood on the conference table, his bathrobe hem still dripping coffee. He looked down at the red light flashing from his crotch: "Don't panic, Director, there's two minutes and fifty seconds left."
"Two minutes and fifty seconds?!" Coulson tumbled off his chair, scattering files everywhere.
Natasha stood up, her hand already reaching for the gun at her waist: "Fury, the evacuation route..."
"It's too late." Fury gritted his teeth and stared at Lin Zhen. "The blast radius of this explosive is enough to cover the entire building."
"Can this thing be dismantled?" Lin Zhen asked.
"That's an unfinished product from Oscorp." Fury snatched the explosive and flipped it over to look at the fuse structure. "The timer fuse is a structure we don't understand; it can't be dismantled."
"Then I won't dismantle it." Lin Zhen took the explosive back, stuffed it back into his crotch, jumped off the conference table, and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To find a worthless place to blow it up." Lin Zhen pushed open the conference room door without looking back. "By the way, Director, you need to increase the travel allowance for this trip."
"You have something in your crotch that could flatten half of Manhattan, and you're still talking to me about a raise?!"
"These aren't mutually exclusive." Lin Zhen started jogging down the corridor, his bathrobe hem fluttering to reveal his Pikachu boxers. "This is called high-risk work. According to Chapter 3, Article 47 of the S.H.I.E.L.D. labor regulations..."
"S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have labor regulations!"
"Then write one now."
The elevator door at the end of the corridor opened, and Coulson chased after him: "Lin Zhen, there's a Quinjet on the roof. You can fly it out to sea."
"It's too slow." Lin Zhen ran into the elevator, reached out to press the top floor button, and looked back at the pursuing Fury and Natasha. "Don't follow me. If it explodes, it'll be a hassle to reload the game."
Fury held the elevator door: "What did you just say?"
"I said if it explodes and you die, it'll be a hassle." Lin Zhencorrected himself.
The elevator door closed. Fury turned and punched the wall, cracking the plaster.
Coulson ran over, panting: "Director, should we evacuate the crowd?"
"Evacuate my ass." Fury pulled out his communicator. "Agent Hill, pull up all surveillance footage. I want to see how that Chicken Brother lunatic handles this pile of explosives."
Natasha pressed the button for another elevator: "Do you think he can handle it?"
"I don't know." Fury stepped into the elevator. "But so far, every mess this lunatic has made has been solved in an even more outrageous way."
...
300 meters above New York Harbor.
Lin Zhen stepped on the golden ghost fire hoverboard, climbing at full speed. His bathrobe was torn into strips by the gale, hanging off his body and revealing his Pikachuboxers.
The countdown in his crotch jumped to [00:01:47].
"System brother, calculate the blast radius if this thing explodes in the air!"
[Based on the current explosive yield, the safe detonation altitude is above 1200 meters. Current speed is insufficient; it is expected to explode at an altitude of 600 meters, covering a radius of about 1.2 kilometers.]
"Motherf***er!"
Lin Zhen twisted the throttle to the end, and the rear of the hoverboard spewed out seven-colored flames.
Fury's voice roared in the communicator: "Lin Zhen, where the hell are you?!"
"In the sky!" Lin Zhen looked down at the red light flashing from his crotch. "I've got a minute and a half before my crotch explodes!"
"Didn't you say you could handle it?!"
"I said I'd find a worthless place to blow it up!" Lin Zhenyelled. "Right now, the most worthless thing above New York Harbor is the atmosphere!"
Altitude 400 meters.
Lin Zhen pulled the last three firework boosters from his crotch and shoved them into the jet port at the rear of the hoverboard.
"System brother, how much acceleration can these fireworks provide!"
[A single one provides an instantaneous altitude increase of 300 meters. Three combined can break through 900 meters, but the survival probability...]
"Don't talk to me about probability!"
Lin Zhen hammered the ignition switch with his frying pan.
The three fireworks ignited simultaneously.
Three rings of seven-colored flames exploded from the rear of the golden hoverboard, and the G-force pressed Lin Zhen into the surface of the board.
Altitude 700 meters.
800 meters.
The countdown in his crotch jumped to [00:00:42].
"Still not enough!"
Lin Zhen pulled the last high-explosive pumpkin bombfrom his crotch and stuffed it directly into the jet port at the rear of the hoverboard.
[Warning: This operation will cause the hoverboard to overload. It is expected to disintegrate in 3 seconds...]
"So let it disintegrate!"
Lin Zhen stomped his foot onto the pumpkin bomb.
Boom!
The hoverboard shot into the sky at over Mach 2. Lin Zhen's face was distorted by the air pressure, and his middle-parted chicken mask almost flew off.
Altitude 1100 meters.
1200 meters.
The system prompt sounded: [Safe detonation altitude reached.]
Crotch countdown [00:00:03].
Lin Zhen whipped twelve blocks of high-energy compressed explosives out of his crotch, held them firmly with his frying pan, and raised his hands high above his head.
"Blow up for me!"
The countdown hit zero.
The twelve blocks of high-energy compressed explosives detonated simultaneously.
A giant fireball over 300 meters in diameter erupted over New York Harbor, and the Shockwave shredded the clouds for half a kilometer.
The sea surface directly below the center of the explosion was pressed into a hemispherical depression 50 meters in diameter by the air pressure, and the incoming seawater kicked up waves over ten meters high.
S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters building.
Nick Fury stood in front of the broken floor-to-ceiling window, his one eye staring intently at the surveillance screen.
Coulson held his head in his hands: "Director... Lin Zhen, he..."
"Is he dead?" Fury gritted his teeth.
"The radar signal has disappeared." Natasha stared at the screen. "But..."
"But what?"
"Three seconds before the explosion, a high-speed object was ejected from the center of the fireball and is falling at a speed of 400 meters per second."
Fury: "What direction?"
Natasha tapped her fingers on the keyboard twice.
All surveillance footage switched to Flushing, Queens.
A black dot trailing flames was falling in a parabola, heading straight for Flushing Meadows Corona Park.
"Pull up the park surveillance!"
The screen switched.
Flushing Meadows Corona Park, Queens.
The black dot smashed into the artificial lake in the center of the park.
A white column of water over ten meters high exploded from the surface, and the Shockwave uprooted three willow trees on the bank.
After the water fell back, a pit five meters in diameter was revealed in the center of the lake.
A humanoid object lay at the bottom of the pit.
Wearing Pikachu boxers.
Holding a frying pan in his left hand.
And holding up a middle finger with his right hand.
Fury closed his one eye and took a deep breath.
"...Motherf***er."
Coulson asked cautiously: "Is he... still alive?"
In the footage, Lin Zhen moved his middle finger.
Then he rolled over.
He pulled a bottle of red basic health potion from his crotch and gulped it down.
His health bar jumped from 8% back to 78%.
Lin Zhen stood up from the bottom of the lake, the water reaching his knees. With his head covered in water plants, he walked to the bank, sat down on a fallen willow tree, and pulled out his communicator to call Fury.
The call connected.
"Director, mission accomplished. The twelve blocks of high-energy compressed explosives have been successfully destroyed. New York City is safe. Remember to wire the fifty thousand U.S. dollars to my card, and you need to increase the travel allowance; I ruined two pairs of boxers just finding that explosion point."
Natasha grabbed the communicator: "Lin Zhen, is there anything wrong with your body? Such a big explosion..."
"Wrong?" Lin Zhen looked down at himself. "Everything is normal, except for my boxers being scorched."
Coulson leaned into the microphone: "Um... what were you thinking about when it exploded?"
Lin Zhen was silent for a moment.
"I was thinking."
"Fireworks are f***ing beautiful!"
Fury snatched the communicator back: "Get your ass back to headquarters right now for a full body checkup!"
"Let's talk about it tomorrow." Lin Zhen yawned. "I'm going home to sleep now."
"Where is your home?"
"A certain Red-light district in New York."