Dear J,
Hi, I do wonder how you are. How life has treated you, and how things eventually turned out after we disconnected.
Did you know I have too many stories to tell you? Too many words I wished I could have told you, as well as too many other words I wish I never said.
We've been best friends for more than a decade. We've both had our fair share of lovers, of experiences, and the friendship never waned.
In fact, you were even one of the people some of the people I've been with were most jealous of.
How can a man know and be close with a woman for so long and yet have no feelings?
I think it's quite true in my case. It just never bloomed because when I was free, you were not, and when you were free, I already had someone else.
Of couse, I won't say I still have the same feelings for you, but you see, sometimes, I imagine us together, like a true couple.
Unfortunately, much like all relationships that get ruined by blossoming feelings, it happened to us.
But I would really like to confess.
Did you know, when we were younger, you were the first girl who was kind enough to talk to me when I was just a newly transferred student?
Did you know, when I knew you lived nearby, I used to try biking in your neighborhood in an attempt to catch a glimpse of you?
The other boys used to ask me to write love letters for their crush, but have I ever told you the reason I knew how to write love letters was because of the many love letters I have written for you?
We were so young back then, and I never really had the confidence to become someone's love interest, so all these years, I never truly told you.
It's funny, right? After so long, I would write this letter for you. I would confess about everything I have felt for you before.
You see, for years, I've always wandered around you, thinking, maybe, you'll notice more of me. And you did. Unfortunately, not the way I want you to.
Back then, I became more of a trusted friend, and you even told me the name of your crush. And that, in fact, crushed me. I realized... You never had eyes for me, just as I had for you.
It was more because I was someone worth befriending, and you felt safe confiding things to me. Your issues with your parents, your younger sibling, and the pressure you faced at school.
It was all a sham. But as a dumb student back then, not once did I have the guts to tell you how I feel. The letters I wrote for you? I threw them away, lose somewhere. And some of the messages? I used them in other love letters to set up some of my friends with their love interests.
It was such a long time ago, and yet I remember it as if it was yesterday. And then high school came, and we became even closer. Much closer than I had anticipated, but not close enough for me to even show a shred of what I felt for you.
Of course, it was out of fear. After all, the genuine friendship you felt with me might instantly end the moment I open up. And here we are, the secrets of the past are nothing but mere secrets, told in a novel.
It's been a while, how are you? I'm happier now, but always had a what if at the back of my mind. What if I actually tried to be more than just a friend?
What if I tried to confess?
Would anything bloom? Could I have helped you better during your darker times? Was it ever possible between us?
Too many what ifs, but all in all, really, I thank you for your existence in my life.
I will never be the same without you, my first love~