"She, still haunts me.
I only self inserted in one character, then made another to represent my delusions. How was I supposed to know I'd hunt me for so much time?
It's been over three years. I once created a story with characters, depth and knowledge I've gathered from observing many works.
It was a silly little story, something one does to have a bit of fun.
There was a guy who I made the image I wanted to have, and gave him the girl I liked, as I mentioned, a very silly story.
It had many fantasy tropes and the characters became how I saw my life.
I couldn't see myself as how I was, just as "Blade".
The same happened to her. I was Blade and she was Erika.
I had a fun time, until we went to different highschool.
It sucked, not being able to have Erika.
Because of that, I stopped being Blade as well, I became ordinary.
Days went on and I, kind of forgotten how it used to be, no, I mean, I forgot how to be Blade.
He was this amazing guy, he was so cool and powerful. That was because he had Erika.
With Erika gone, so was Blade.
What made it worse is that sometimes I could spot her from a distance, walking home after shopping, going to highschool, leaving school.
I didn't have the distance to talk to her no more.
But my urges felt stronger, my loneliness couldn't be filled with my other friends or games anymore.
So I decided to walk home instead of the bus.
Somehow, my desire was fed.
I managed to see her closer than across the street, I saw her walk a few meters away from me, taking the same crossing, just towards me and me towards her.
Of course, I didn't say anything, that would lead me to feel like a real stalker.
But my passion burned again, so I decided to write again about Blade and Erika.
I told my friends about my story, I even redrew the models for Blade and Erika, but once I redrew her, something jumped back into my brain, my 8th grade delusions.
By now Erika was her and she was Erika, so by redrawing her, I acknowledged her existence.
I acknowledged that I was missing those times, that happiness, so my brain responded, the same way as it did back then, but this time as a curse.
I used to imagine scenarios where she would be next to me in person and we would talk about different topics all the time.
She came back in the form of Erika, the easier her to digest, but I wasn't able to be Blade again.
I have long since abandoned that mask and decided that I'd rather be miserable than live in a brain made lie of reality.
But I drew Erika and my brain wasn't happy with be just drawing her, it wanted that happiness back, so I had a dream about her.
I am getting obsessed over her all again, thinking of scenarios that would never become real.
I wake up and want to tell somebody, but all my friends are gaming friends, not people I could complain to.
I hold it in. The day almost goes by, but I feel boredom.
I check the drawing again and, as if opening Pandora's box, all the delusions flood my mind again.
I try to step off from the computer, to lay down on my stomach to process my thoughts.
That's when I feel it, as if a ghost was whispering in my ear, I could tell she broke into my mind again.
She won't leave my side, but she's all my imagination.
Knowing my friends, they would tell me to "just message her", to see how she's doing. I thought of that too.
But there was no hope, I couldn't do it.
I could fix a friendship that I thrown in the trash in a single moment of impulsive decisions, but this, to text her, I can't do it.
I simply can't, and Erika has yet to leave my brain, right now, as I am writing this side chapter to my novel, she's still there, laying down behind me on the bed, scrolling her phone."