-What did I just do...
I ran my hands over my face, terrified, my face more corpse-like than alive. I had been under that blanket for a good two hours, struggling not to kill myself. But...the result was more than chaotic.
I felt so embarrassed by myself.
How could I have inflicted such a thing on myself
I hurried to clean my white sheets with what I could. Grizzly behind me had waited for two hours, barking and sprawling on the floor, staring at the top of the bed with whiny eyes.
I went out, leaving Grizzly alone with food because I needed something stronger than his support. I needed to find a trace of me here because I felt like I'd never existed here. I left the house under a bright sun in my turtleneck sweater, revealing nothing of my body but dying of heat. It was already 5 p.m. so I went into the internet cafe and paid for my computer. I recognized that auburn hair even though it had grown well and was covered with a cap.
I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could join the game. He seemed too busy to wonder who I was and accepted without question.
- AJCK56.
-Thanks.
I opened this age-old game where we used to exchange love messages. The last message he sent me was an "I love you" and I never replied.
Yes. I came to look for Rui Han before I got completely lost all alone.
He had told me he would be there for me if I needed him after we had made the choice to separate out of obligation, now was the time to prove it to myself. I was no longer afraid to face reality.
I made a teammate request, which he accepted.
-Are you switching to support? Ah, throw projectiles. What's with these rotten DGTs...is that your main or not?
He finally looked at me, and I coldly told him no. He sighed and asked me to take my main, which I did afterwards. That must have meant something to him because he leaned over his screen when he saw that I was playing it.
-Your main, is it?
-Yes.
-Lol, bro. You don't kill anything with that.
He had already commented on that at the time, and I told him that... "The outfit was nice."
-But the outfit is nice.
Unfortunately, he was chatting with his friends on the other side and hadn't even listened to me.
I was waiting for him to recognize me...but if he didn't, it was really because Feng Yu had disappeared...
Zhong Feng Yu was loved by everyone, Shang Feng Yu is just a shadow who looks like everyone and no one at the same time.
This idea never left my head and I thought about nothing else while I played. I forgot my goal here and stared at the screen, executing blows robotically.
-"Wanafly"?
-Hum?
He looked at me with wide eyes, realizing he knew me because my ID rang a bell.
No matter how much he looked at me, he couldn't find where I came from and, while trying to concentrate on the fight, he clicked on my character to display the information.
There was nothing special that could alert him, so he kept sneaking glances.
-Hey, send me the buttons for the special ult, please.
-Me?
Without even thinking about it, I took the time to send the message, and the "I love you" made me blush a little. I knew very well that he knew this move because it was him who told me... so he did that to get me to reactivate the conversation...
If he still acted like he didn't know me, it was over. All I could hope for was that he'd slap me embarrassedly, saying it's been a long time... so that I'd feel like I was Feng Yu one last time...
-Dude! Why did you stop playing?!
-We're going to lose because of you!
Rui, next to me, rested his elbows on the table after pushing the computer keyboard and pulled the headset down to the back of his neck, exhaling loudly. I stood there, wondering if he recognized me and how he was going to approach me. There was the possibility that he would chase me away like a shameful ghost from his past or that he would accept me as the old friend from his past. He would disconnect from the game, which I did too, seeing him so tense. I didn't feel like playing anymore anyway.
A divider hid his table, so I couldn't see his reaction. For now, he remained silent and upset. I occasionally heard a sigh and noticed a movement of his arms, but nothing more.
His friends were too focused on having to catch up on the part we almost messed up to pay attention to what he was doing...
I ended up turning to face my turned-off screen, really embarrassed, and a dull sadness, like the one you feel after a failure, gradually invaded my body and mind.
I was about to go home after tidying up the office, but something came and touched my leg, groping for my hand.
I squeezed it back when his fingers touched my palm.
He couldn't look me straight in the face...but I was holding his hand...I had it there, close to me. He was holding Feng Yu's hand, and he knew it without needing to look at me.
Just as I was regaining hope that he might still like me enough to say hello, he abruptly let go of my hand and told his friends he was going home because he had a migraine.
I watched him leave the internet cafe without even looking back, and I felt even more lost than before I entered.
Was he disappointed when he realized my hand was different from Feng Yu's? It was big, thin, and cold...
I also stood up after clearing my head of all unnecessary thoughts. Anyway, I'll just have to hug Grizzly and it'll be better. He's the only one who likes Feng Yu current one because he didn't know me in the past.
I walked, staring at the ground, filled with disappointment that was more incredulous than anything else. I couldn't believe it.
-Feng....!
I turned my head as I left the internet cafe to see Rui sitting on the ground, his eyes red and his face contorted. I stared at him for a moment without saying anything until he tried to grab my hand and pull it towards him.
-...I can't even bring himself to blame you.
-You should.
He stood up, wanting to cry, and took my face in his hands to inspect it from top to bottom, from left to right, and ended up removing my glasses from my eyes.
-Apart from your skin, nothing has changed, actually!
I looked at him with so much surprise that he wanted to laugh at me. Realizing afterward that I was at his height, he seemed more comfortable smiling at me.
-You've grown a few inches~
"You haven't changed." "You're still the Feng Yu I love." The wounds in my body seemed to open a little more every time I thought about it... because of the guilt of having inflicted this on myself for such a simple and short sentence.
If I had known that contacting Rui Han would do me this much good, I wouldn't have waited until I was this bad to do it.
-So, you left because your dad was sick, but he died?
I nodded as he sat on my couch with Grizzly on his lap. Good thing I'd done some cleaning...
-You just got back and you're going back to the local high school next week....
-That's right.
-And why were you crying like that earlier?
I scratched my arm in anxiety, unsure whether I should really use his help now or wait a bit to take care of it myself.
-Feng, me...you're the only guy I've ever loved in my entire life.
He was completely red, trying to say something in some roundabout way. I looked at him with a slight smile and still that tired look.
-Do you want to get back together?
-S-of course I do!
I felt really, really sad and let my body fall against him after sending Grizzly flying to the other end of the couch.
-Actually, I have some problems I've never told anyone about...
I stood up with a serious face, which he understood as he stopped blushing childishly. I stuttered but decided to tell him everything. It was important...that I do...
I didn't want to show him because it was ugly, but I didn't want to leave him in denial either. I saw in his bright eyes that he still loved me and worried about me like he did back when Muyang had hit me.
-I came looking for you for this...it's nothing big...just a little problem. I didn't tell anyone because I don't want them to worry, but since you're not related to me, I thought it would be okay....
He took my hands, burning with the desire to help me.
It didn't take long for me to start shaking and no longer be able to hide the fear in my eyes.
-Since my father died, I've had an OCD...a bit debilitating...
-I get anxious and I lose control of my body...let's say halfway...
-Anxiety...?
-And without realizing it, I start scratching myself...
He stared at me, frowning. I forced myself to smile to make up for it, but I ended up just stop myself from crying by giving him a hug.
-Help me, I'm in pain...it's too painful.
Gently stroking my back to calm my grief, he calmly put the pieces of the puzzle together so as not to rush me.
In front of him, I became again the fragile little boy who blushed when he said he was in a relationship.
-Where are you scratching?
-Your chest...but sometimes it spreads to your neck and arms...
He wanted to take off my T-shirt, but the dried blood had stuck it to my skin, making me frown in pain when he finally took it off.
He remained silent and left my T-shirt in a ball in front of him. His expression remained impassive and his gaze determined to help me.
A tear rolled down his face without me realizing it because he hadn't even trembled, not a blink of an eye, not a blush. He was crying as discreetly as possible so as not to scare me.
The hardest thing was that I was aware of it...because he was in front of me...but I wasn't all that anxious, I didn't want to scratch myself either, I wanted just feel him against me one last time. Like when I discovered love thanks to him. I never got to thank him, nor did I say goodbye, yet all these years I only thought about Muyang without suspecting that he might be suffering too.
-...don't do that anymore, okay?
-I'll try...
-It breaks my heart. Do you really want to hurt me too?
He said it humorously, keeping a weak smile while removing the blood with a cotton ball from the edge of my wounds.
I had never felt my wounds heal until he looked at them... I felt for the first time that they could close on their own.
I was afraid of breaking him by going to meet him while I was slowly breaking myself.
His forehead facing mine but his eyes lowered, I spoke as if I were alone, not waiting for any answer, just leaning my head against him, our hair tangling.
-You think you can love me again...?
He closed his eyes, accepting the caresses of my face against his warm, soft skin.
-We dated for a week, but I still have feelings for you.
-So I want us to be a couple again.
He took me in his arms as if it were official, then, before I expected it, whispered lividly:
-I already have a girlfriend.
I stared at him with a half-smile, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. It wasn't like I was demanding that we get together because I'd suddenly found him after three long years; I had a bad feeling he'd been making fun of me all this time.
-You could have warned me before...
-But that's nothing, I should just dump her!
-Don't you feel bad doing that...?
-Yeah...
Seeing him panic between getting me back and calling his girlfriend to break up, I couldn't help but smile naturally. I was on the verge of laughing even though the situation was far from thrilling me because I had the firm intention of getting closer to Rui Han now that I had revealed my secret to him.
I placed my hand on his phone as he had decided to choose me, a lively, mocking smile on my face. The type of smile the old Feng Yu made every day and which rekindled a burning flame in Rui's heart.
-We don't have to be a couple to be close. We're fine as friends too.
-...I'll wait for her to lose interest, if you don't mind.
He tied his hands above his head, begging for mercy, but I just stroked his head, very relaxed compared to my usual nervous self. I felt like my life in this city was regaining color, a surge of nostalgia, and reflecting a little more of the one I had known during my youth. Maybe one day I'll smell the same scents, would talk to the same people and eat the same dishes with them. For now, I had to fight myself before rushing in.
-You have the weekend left before going to high school. Are you prepared?
-Yeah...
Jianyu looked at me sideways as I stared into space while eating my breakfast. He was probably wondering why I was so tired lately when I tended to be on my guard. The tension was at its lowest in my head; it was a way to make peace and take a step back from my problems, at least that's what I thought. Maybe I
was letting myself go even more than before.
Mom slapped Jianyu's arm when his gaze was fixed on me and decided to grab my head to make me leave and enjoy the morning with her husband.
-Where are your glasses?
-...lost.
-What?!
-In the house, don't worry.
-Go get them!
Jianyu didn't agree when she tried to exclude me from "family" activities like watching a movie, going for walks, and shopping. It had happened a lot these past few days and was starting to become a recurring problem.
He would probably confront her about it soon, and it would turn into an argument because the only one gentle and understanding enough to put up with her was Dad...
While I was playing a mini online game on my computer for entertainment, I heard my phone vibrate, which I took out of my pocket and answered after seeing Rui Han's name on the screen.
-Are you coming to play soccer with the seniors from middle school?
-No. I can't.
-Why? Did your mom punish you~?
-I haven't touched a ball since I left...and I have a prescription from the doctor for sports.
He remained silent for a moment and I heard him mumbling with someone. He wasn't alone... and I wondered if it was his girlfriend...
Honestly, I wasn't jealous. As long as it suited Rui, it suited me too...
-Are you sick?
-More than just an illness, the city hospitals discovered a bunch of shit when they were checking if I had cancer like my father.
-Damn, Feng, you looked so healthy. The air there was too polluted...
I stuck my tongue out after losing it from being so distracted, spun around in my chair three times, and told him I still agreed to go even if I would have to sit in a corner. It'll give me some fresh air; I already didn't have much to do
I'd barely stepped outside when Mom was tugging at my arm. She seemed to completely disagree with the outfit, even though I'd made an effort to look normal, without a turtleneck or overly thick pants.
-You're planning on going out without sunscreen with your white skin?! And your eyes?! There's pollen in the air, so wear a mask. What are those bandages on your arm? Don't tell me that stupid dog bit you?!
I could hear Jianyu laughing at my final outfit, my arms and neck smeared, my face covered as if I were a celebrity in a public place, and Mom was still managing to find fault with me.
-I haven't said anything these past few days because it's been raining, but today it's sunny. Tell me what you're going to do if you don't even take the dog with you.
-I'm going to join my friends who are playing soccer.
-Yes, yes. Soccer...
She stopped applying the sunscreen, a worried expression on her face.
I thought she was the one who wanted me to join a sports club at school...but now she was starting to sweat as if her life was at stake
-If you feel your head spinning, sit on the floor.
-I wasn't planning on playing, just watching..
Jianyu, unaware of my illness, frowned.
Already during high school in the city, I had received a prescription forbidding me from practicing. I had a malformation of the autonomic nervous system, so I often got tired and fainted during physical exercise.
Since the symptoms only appeared as I grew older, it was normal that nothing was noticed when I was a kid.
I had become someone very physically fragile even though I thought I was in perfect health. Lots of allergies, strange malformations, and a tendency to develop melanomas...
I thought I was pretty strong; it seemed like it was all in my head thanks to denial.
-Hey...? What's that outfit?
-My mom.
Rui Han smiled, and I lowered my mask to talk to him, suffocating.
-Sorry again for not being able to j-
I started having a sneezing fit because of pollen. The air was dry after such a deluge, and my otherwise fine nose was now acting up.
Rui, amused, pushed my mask up over my nose with his fingertips before I died.
-Was it a good idea to take you outside?
-My new house is stifling. I need to go out...
-Your villa? Is it stifling? Come into my five square meters so we can see if you can breathe better.
A pretty girl was waving to Rui from afar. Her eyes were drooping, and it made her face look so sweet. I had a sneaking suspicion of who he was when he started to get embarrassed seeing us face to face. When we were close enough, the young girl would suddenly take my hand and shake my arm, a big smile that was almost a little too welcoming for my taste
-This is my girlfriend, Meiling. This is my middle school friend, Feng Yu, who just came back from Beijing.
-Oh~ Beijing! Is the capital nice?!
I took off my glasses and mask, finding it very rude to not even show her face when we introduce ourselves, and she lost her smile when she saw my face.
-Beijing is a little too busy and exhausting for my liking.
She remained silent and displeased. She ended up frowning and judging me drastically until Rui asked her what was wrong.
-Honey, your friend is a hypocrite. I can see it in his eyes, he wants to hit on me! It's ugly to do that in front of you too!
I instantly put my mask back on my glasses before causing any more drama.
Good thing Rui knew I wasn't straight and took things lightly, laughing out loud.
-Feng Yu is already interested in someone else, so don't worry, Meiling.
-Oh...sorry, Feng Yu...
-He's sick so he won't be able to play soccer. You'll stay with him on the bench, right?
-Sick?